“I’m level five.” The red-headed Kat shook her rifle in triumph. “And I have a point of Fame.”

Petals called up her character sheet. Fame: 0. “Congrats, Kat.” She reached up and waved at the serpentine gray golem atop her noggin. “Did you earn some Fame, Ash?”

“Nah,” he replied. “She must have helped kill Ram-Horns. Anyone who dealt damage to the demon would gain a point of Fame when it was defeated.”

“Yeah,” said Greta, holding up her bow. “I got one.”

“Me, too,” said Elena.

No one else in the Color Guard had earned the Fame point. Petals congratulated the Green Warrior and the Camouflaged Shooter. “When playing Darkentide under normal conditions, it’s good having points in Fame. The higher your rating, the more easily you can persuade special NPCs to give up information or items or grant you specialized quests. Not sure how much Fame will help us given our current circumstances.” She glanced around at everyone, and motioned for Tara to bring the eyeball along in the illusionary cage. “You probably all have unassigned stat or skill points or both. I’ve thought about it, and I suggest if you haven’t assigned them yet, then wait. Normally, I’d know the recommended skills and stats to raise as we progress through the game, but the game isn’t exactly the same as originally programmed. If you save your points, you can assign them when you need a particular skill to be better than it already is. Has anyone already assigned all their points for the levels we just earned?”

“I did,” said Ash. “I put a point in the Joking skill.” He paused. “Just kidding.”

The dozens of tiny voices emanating from the blossoms atop the Pink Wizard’s head chortled. One of them raised above the others to say, “Hey, Ash.”

“That’s me.”

“What do you get when you mix peanut butter?”

“With what?”

“A spoon, I guess. How do I know what you’d use to mix peanut butter?”

Shrill laughter rocked the flower garden.

“Hey, Ash,” said another tiny voice.

“Yo.”

“How many golems does it take to screw in a light bulb?”

“Seven?”

“You don’t sound sure.”

“I don’t know. How many golems does it take to screw in a light bulb?”

“I don’t know, either. That’s why I was asking you.”

The blossoms wailed their joy.

“Hey, Ash,” said a sultry female voice.

“Um... yeah?”

“How many golems does it take to screw in a bed?”

“Um... two?”

“Unless you want to screw yourself.”

“Ooh,” gasped the blossoms, collectively. Then they burst out laughing.

“Hey, Ash,” Petals said. “This is all very amusing, but can we focus on more serious matters?”

They reached the broom closet and entered single file: Elena, Kat, Cherri, Tara, Petals with Ash, and Greta bringing up the rear.

Ash grew heavy atop the Pink Wizard's head and shined his flashlight.

Petals handed her flashlight to Tara. “You might want to keep this trained on our little friend and his cage.” Visual illusions only worked if they could be seen.

The Illusionist aimed the light at the cage and its occupant. “I could put an unassigned point or two into the Illusionist class Light skill. Could help us get around, lighting up a wider area than these directional beams.”

The Pink Wizard shook her head. “It’s tempting, but do it only if the flashlight isn’t sufficient to keep the eyeball in the cage. We don’t know what we’ll be up against later. You might need the points to boost your existing skills. Besides, my See spell can already produce some levels of area light, in addition to finding hidden things. If you think we should have an area light, just say so, and I’ll see what I can do.”

Still parading in her panties, her skirt still draped over the top half of the eyeball, Tara gave Petals a weak smile. “I just want to spend my points, that’s all. I’m not good at waiting.”

“Can I put a point in the Shooting skill now?” Kat twirled a strand of red hair. “I shot at that giant horned demon thing twice and only hit it once. I was better with a rifle before I became an Awakened NPC.”

Making a fist, Petals thumped her forehead with her thumb. “Yes. Definitely. If you’re carrying a rifle, you ought to have the skill to use it. But just one point for now, okay? Keep your other two.”

“Great.” Kat rubbed her palms together.

“I should probably assign a point to the Shoot skill,” said Tara, “since I have a rifle, too.” Her face fell. “Oh. It’s not in my skill set.”

“Sorry,” Petals said. “Maybe our next game won’t have classes, just skills. If we ever have the chance to program another one.”

Kat raised a finger. “What about the unassigned stat point I have? Should I assign that now, too? I was thinking of raising either my Body Offense or Body Balance. If my Body Offense were higher, I could have carried that eyeball. But a better Balance would be more in alignment with my skill set.”

“Please.” Petals raised both hands, palms out. “Let’s deliver the eye to Gondra first. Then we can talk stat points. I’m sure others have some to assign as well.”

She didn’t need to use her Access spell to open the hidden door at the back of the broom closet. It had been removed in its entirety, its broken pieces lying on the floor just inside the classroom, undoubtedly the work of the pirate boys. They weren’t present, and Petals breathed a sigh of relief. Although she and the pirates were supposedly on the same side now, sight of them still gave her the heebie jeebies.

“Ah, good,” spoke a disembodied voice. Gondra—that is, the original eyeball that represented him—hovered above the instructor’s desk as the Color Guard entered and gathered around him. “You’ve brought my second eye. Place it atop the desk, beneath me, please.”

Tara mentally guided her illusionary cage to the desk. Staying a fraction of an inch above the flat surface, it glided to the the middle of the desk.

Gondra looked down. “Remove the skirt and release the eyeball from its cage.”

Tara reached between the bars of the cage, grabbed the hem of her skirt, and yanked the piece of clothing free. Holding the skirt in one hand and a flashlight in the other, she exhaled loudly, and her illusion vanished. The lower eyeball rotated to stare up at its mate. Then the upper eyeball rotated while the lower eyeball revolved around it in a circular orbit that kept the two eyeballs staring at each other. The upper eyeball stopped rotating when the lower eyeball had reached the same elevation.

“What a cross-eyed buffoon,” said Tara.

“Seems you’re both seeing eye-to-eye,” said Ash. “What now?”

The eyes rotated in opposite directions until both of them were looking straight ahead into the classroom proper. “We need our mouth,” said the disembodied voice. “And our right hand. Doesn’t matter which your bring first. But if you find one, don’t go looking for the other. You need to bring them separately. Don’t bring us our left hand. And above all else, keep the left hand away from the right hand.”

“Oh,” said Tara, “it’s a matter of the left hand not knowing what the right hand is doing.”

“Exactly,” said Gondra.

“I’ve decided to assign my stat point to Body Balance,” Kat said. “Takes it up to 3. Can’t wait to spend my two skill points.”

“Speaking of stat points,” said Tara, “I’m putting mine on Mind Offense. Raise it to 5. Should help me focus my illusions even better.”

“My stat point is going on Body Initiative,” Elena said. “Raise it to 3. Help me get the draw on the bad guys.”

“Where should I put my unassigned stat point?” asked Cherri.

“Okay,” said Petals, “I guess we’re doing this now.” Envy rose like bile in her throat at Tara’s Mind Offense of 5, a point higher than hers. And only Cherri had bothered to ask her advice. “I didn’t program your class, so I can’t say for sure, but it seems your Spirit stats are the most helpful for your Moon Defense and Stop skills. You took the Scimitar skill, too, and your Body stats would be helpful with it. Since you have good defensive skills, if you assign the point to a Body stat, I’d go with either Offense or Initiative. Probably Offense, since you’re likely to be striking through your Moon Defense at your opponents. That assumes your Moon Defense is powerful enough to keep your opponents at bay. If your Moon Defense works off your Spirit stats, we still don’t know whether it is based on Spirit Offense or Defense. I’m sorry, I don’t know your class well enough to be of the same help I could have been for the others.”

“If your skills are Spirit-based, sister,” said Tara, “you might consider raising your Spirit Initiative, so you can invoke your skills before your opponents act.”

“Acting first does sound good.” Cherri nodded. “I’ll do that. Thanks. That brings my Spirit Initiative up to 3, same as my Spirit Offense.”

“Well, great,” said Petals. “Anyone else have unassigned stat points they want to assign before we embark on our next quest? Ash? Greta?”

“Not me,” said Greta.

“Me neither,” said Ash.

“Hey, Ash,” said a tiny male voice from the Pink Wizard’s garden.

“Yes, little fellow?”

“Did you take your daily vitamin?”

“Yeah,” said Ash. “Yesterday.”

A chorus of laughter rang from those dwelling atop the Pink Wizard’s head, including Ash.

Petals bit her tongue. Everything was making her tense. Uptight. The jokes were getting on her nerves. Having her friend riding atop her skull with a garden of talking flowers was beyond bizarre. Her name should be Alice, and there should be a white rabbit running around complaining about being late, with a cat’s grin suspended in the sky. And now she was off on a quest to collect the body parts of a supernatural entity who could supposedly help her get back to her real life and stop another supernatural entity from destroying the real world. This had to be a dream, but she was so far removed from her former life, it felt like the dream.

“So, where do we start looking?” Petals looked to Gondra. One eyeball, the original one, hovered stationary in place, looking straight ahead, while the other one—the one the Color Guard had just delivered—spun rapidly around and around, up and down.

“I don’t know,” said Gondra, “but please hurry. I’m going crazy here.”

“You and me, both,” said the Pink Wizard. “Anyone have an idea which way to go?”

“We could split up,” said the red-headed Kat.

“No,” said the rest of the Color Guard in unison.

“Well, then,” said the red head, “what if I put a point in the Locate Object skill, and see what that does?”

“Do it,” said Petals.

Kat frowned. “Let me add the other point.” She paused and then nodded, her eyes sparking. “Okay, then. I needed the skill at level 2. It’s done. We go that way.” She pointed towards the back of the classroom, towards the corridor some of them had originally used in coming to this place.