Chapter 3

“Peelz! Peelz!”

“Whaaat,” I said, turning to see Stompah running through the bridge threshold.

Stompah was a fat and stout goblin. Plenty of food gave him plenty of belly. Talked a lot. Worked a lot. I’m not sure cutting his tongue out could stop him from yabbering. Lately, he’s only had good things to say so I wasn’t too annoyed to see him this time.

He stomped up to my throne, the captain’s chair, and stepped over a Solodon crew member’s body on his way. The place stank of decaying sabertooth beasts. They were rotting while we got things done, but we couldn’t just dump the bodies in space now could we? That would take too much time, and maybe tip off anyone who was watching. We had things to do. Fuel to steal!

“King Peelz,” Stompah said. “We’ve gained access to the fuel chambers. All six of them, and the refinery!”

“Good-good! What about the warehouse?”

“That’s been opened, King Peelz! We’re preparing the augers. When should I call for the assembly line? Can I start the auger parade?”

“Now, Stompah. Now.”

“Hoo hoo hoo!” Stompah said, turning about and hurrying out the room.

I turned to the rest of my goblin minions. Everyone toiled away at the control panels doing things I didn’t know how to do.

“There’s a blink on the signal!” Lobbee said, smashing a fist on a display.

“Where?” I said.

“It’s that way!” he said, pointing out into space.

All the lights in the bridge were off, except those that came from the control panels. At least until my minions could figure out where the button was to mask the windows. We needed to make sure no one saw us from the outside.

“That’s LC Northwest,” Iz-He said.

“Leaf Cloud Northwest,” I repeated. “Hoooo! This is gonna get hairy! We’ve got the augers ready just in time! We’re starting the stealth assembly! It’s parade time boys!”

“Auger parade, auger parade!’ my minions chanted.

The handheld radio at my side crackled to life. It was made from the petrified esophagus’ of dead comrades, fitted with broken Vox’s salvaged from kills we’ve made. Then Stompah’s voice came through.

“Start the parade! King Peelz orders boys! Auger’s will be ready! Stealth assembly go!”

“Yes!” I said, cheering wildly. “Yes! Yes! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Now for our problem! Iz-He, what else can you tell me about the blink on your radar?”

“Big ship,” Iz He said. “This big.” He stretched his arms until they spanned a good ship size. “They’ve stopped about a moon away. Patterns match reports of Cymech sightings and beatings.”

The bridge went quiet. I didn’t want the silence of cowards around me. I wanted minions who were prepared for this. We knew this would happen.

“Stop sulking at the bottom of your boots!” I said, sliding each word over a drooling growl. “Cymech’s don't scare us! We’re the Peelz Boys! Get ready for the auger parade!”

My minions whooped and hollered. They banged against the control panels and the walls. Then they went into a frenzy and began kicking the dead Solodon crew members.

“Alright! Back to your squats! Don’t forget we need to lay low and keep our eyes Peelzed!”

That shut them up. Goblins were obedient to me, and if they didn’t have anything to do, they’re crotches began to stink with mutiny. I hated mutiny. Seen it too many times. Beat it each time, which was a thrill, but now was not the time. Might start one later to celebrate my victory, just to squash it and stay King of the Peelz Boys! “He’s a legend,” they’ll say, “starts his own mutinies just cause he can!”

“Blink! Where’s Blink!” I called out before settling back into my captain’s chair once more.

“Blink is here King Peelz,” Blink said, waddling over.

Blink was an older goblin who’d lost feeling in his eyelids. They were permanently halfway now. We all forgot what his name used to be. He’d forgotten it too overtime.

“You have the rulebook?”

“Yes King Peelz. Right here.”

The rulebook. A goblin king’s bible. It had everything in it! Stealing, looting, fighting, running, chasing, killing, making. Not every goblin faction had a rulebook. Since I was the best, of the best, of course I had one, and Blink was my rulebook keeper.

“What’s next on the rulebook to do list?” I said, swinging my feet with glee. I couldn’t help but clap maniacally.

Blink hurried through the rulebook, searching for where we’d left off.

“Hurry, hurry!” I said.

Blink finally found our place in the book. He used his spit as a bookmark. Worked like a charm every time. He had trouble keeping the rulebook open on account of a metal spike that ran nearly through the middle of the ream. It had been pierced through and bent over to keep the rulebook’s pages in order. It was a mess before that, so I’m glad someone thought to make things a teensy bit easier. Blink handed the rulebook to me. I looked at the words, and “hmmmm’d.”

“Thank you Blink. Now will you please read to me out loud.”

“The next step is to connect the auger parade to PeelzHammer.”

“Yes, I know Blink. I just read that.”

It’s been six or eight days since I’d been on PeelzHammer, the goblin ship that I made my minions build, all by myself. Next step was to connect PeelzHammer to the auger parade, take the fuel, lock the fuel in our silos, and…

“What’s the next step after that?” I asked Blink.

Blink flipped through a few pages and then handed the rulebook over, pointing his old finger on more words. I looked at the words and “hmmm’d.”

“Your turn to read it Blink,” I said. “Read it out loud.”

“Yes King Peelz. The next step is to prepare evacuation, and send the host ship into the nearest ship or planet at its fastest speed. Then it says, ‘getaway fast’.”

That was all fine, but I was beginning to get quite hungry with all the reading I was doing. Good thing for these goblins that Iwas here. They’d be squit-squat without me.

“When do we eat?” I said. “Smawtooth! Ring the lunch bell!”

“Eats and eating time boys!” Smawtooth said, striking a tool against the ship’s walls. He went screaming and banging all throughout the ship. The other goblin minions followed him and I stopped Blink before he could follow as well. In a few moments, it was just us two on the bridge.

“What about the Cymechs?” I said. “What does the rulebook say to do?”

“I need time to look at the rulebook,” Blink said.

That meant he didn’t know. Which meant that I didn’t know. That worried me. In all my dealings and stealings, I’d never had to deal with Cymechs before. Now that I’d tried the biggest stealings of them all, suddenly the Cymechs show up!

“Stay with me while I think,” I told Blink.

I got up from my captain’s chair and approached the window. From the outside, this ship should look like it had shut down. We’d disabled communication signals, but the Cymechs were obviously here because of us.

“I think the Cymechs know what’s going on,” I said.

“Why aren’t they attacking?’ Blink said. “I thought they always attacked goblins on sight.”

Blink had a good point. If the Cymechs attacked goblins on sight, then that means we were out of sight. That was the plan after all. That’s why we used stealth. That’s why we were operating at the lowest power possible. So this could only mean our plan was working. Our stealth was working!

“The Cymechs don’t know there are goblins on board,” I said. “They think these beasts are still here. Which means that until we secure our stealings, we have to continue to make them think these beasts are still here.”

Two thoughts were running through my head at the same time and I had to sit back down. I hated the headaches that came with being King. One thought was to open communication signals and pretend to be the fanged beasts. If we could successfully talk about nothing, then communication would buy us time while the auger parade did the stealings. The second thought was to create a diversion and lead the Cymechs away from the ship. When PeelzHammer arrived, it would be hard to hide my ship. Especially if the Cymechs had radar. Which, of course they did. They’d be stupid not to. I just needed to make sure that we weren’t stupider. Then everything would go according to plan, and we’d be on the ‘getaway fast’ rule of the rulebook in no time!