《Four idiots in a shed》03 - It's your round

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Colin had taken his lesson regarding socialising with the 'right' people to heart, ever since his interrogation he had made it his policy to drink at the bars which the German soldiers and scientists or the local Militia frequented. He also made a point of buying them a beer every so often and speaking to them in a friendly and relaxed manner, not that Colin was ever anything but friendly, sometimes he was a bit manic though. He really did try to tone that down.

He was currently in a tiny little olde-worlde pub not far from his house, surrounded by people he considered his enemies, finishing his eighth pint and singing along with the soldiers. It wasn't actually that bad. The fire was roaring in the hearth, there were pieces of brass horse tack above the bar and whitewash on the walls. It was very cosy and very, very noisy.

"Can I buy you a beer?" he shouted over the singing to a small man with a severely receding hairline that he had met periodically over the last month.

"Ja, if I can return der favour." The man said, "Und if you will let me challenge you to the skittles again?" The man was actually German, unlike many of the Germans in the army. Colin thought about that sentence and decided he didn't think he was making sense in his own head anymore. Perhaps ten beers would be enough. Buggered if he would let the little man welch on his round though. Welch, was welch a word? He managed to attract the attention of the barkeep and through sign language managed to order two more beers.

He met the German in the far corner of the pub where a skittles table had been set up sometime in the seventeenth century and never moved. The heavy wood skittles were dimpled from countless years of use and the hard wooden disks that the locals called cheeses were dark from the dirt of thousands of hard-working hands. The man had already set up the table and accepted the frothy hand-pulled pint with a tilt of his head.

Squinting with one eye, since for some reason they had stopped working as a pair, Colin lined up his shot and released the cheese. It ploughed through the centre of the skittles, somehow only knocking the front one down. "Bugger." He said with feeling.

The scientist smiled, "It seems I have a chance." The previous games had all ended with Colin trouncing him on every leg they played. "Perhaps a wager?"

"I'm always up for a friendly bet." Colin did like taking money from the enemy and he was supremely confident that he could win this.

"How about for rounds of Schnapps?" The German man suggested.

"Ug, can we not do whiskey or something? How about the winner chooses the drinks?" Colin was feeling a little unsteady on his feet already but he wasn't passing up free drinks, even weird fruity ones.

"Ja, das is gut, we shake on it?" He offered his hand and Colin grabbed it and squeezed, pulling him close and patting the man on the back.

He threw his second shot and proceeded to catch the leather-bound corner of the table with his cheese, it flew high above the pins, landing with a thud at the back of the table without knocking anything down. Taking a deep breath and shaking his hands he tried to relax before throwing his final shot. His head swam slightly as the wooden disk went wide, only knocking down the corner pin.

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The scientist somehow knocked all of his skittles down with his first two shots and then managed a further five with the last one after they reset the table, Colins next two turns at the table couldn't catch him up and he ended the game eight pins down. "Wow, I'm beginning to think you hustled me on those last two games! You are way better than I thought you were. So, peppermint schnapps?"

The sweet minty drink went down really easily, which may have been the reason that Colin then lost the next two games. He wasn't letting this supporter of their oppressors get away with three free rounds though, no, in the end, he won a single game, his victory dance was possibly uncalled for, it was certainly ungainly and loud and he forced the scientist to drink neat malt whisky in spite. Unfortunately, his winning streak ended there, he was down five games to one when the barman finally chucked them out.

"How are you getting home?" Colin asked, only slurring his words ever so slightly. Although the man had been spouting far-right propaganda all night he almost liked the guy and by the way, he was stumbling he really didn't want him driving home.

"Ähm, Ich… walk?" He pointed down the road in a vague manner, squinting. "Nein, nein." He turned slowly through three hundred and sixty degrees before pointing again, "Yah, dies way. Fünf Kilometer"

Colin shook his head, "Five kilometres? Nah, come back to my place. I can give you a lift in the morning."

The German frowned at him. "Nicht schwul." He muttered in a slurred voice which somehow managed to sound disgusted.

"Hey, I have no idea what that means but I have a comfy spare bed and the house is two minutes that way." He said pointing in the opposite direction.

"Ah! Yah, my haus ist that direction anyway." He started walking, weaving on and off the pavement. Colin shook his head again and followed in what he considered a far more controlled gait.

"So, when do you have to be at work tomorrow?" He asked, steering the stumbling drunk by his elbow, somehow having to be the responsible one was sobering him up slightly.

"Any time, I just go back to the right time." The man said flippantly, Colin looked at him, baffled by the obvious translation error.

"You mean you're the boss and any time is the right time?" He asked. They were coming around the corner onto his street which was fortunate as his companion was looking a bit green.

"Nein, I time travel!" The man said thrusting both hands up into the air in celebration of the idea.

"Right, right." They reached the house and Colin propped the man against the wall as he fumbled his key into the lock, "Okay, here we are."

The man entered the hall and looked around in confusion, "Das ist nicht mein haus!"

"No, this is my house, you are staying the night, remember?" Colin explained slowly as if to a small child.

The man didn't answer but did stumble inside. Colin led him upstairs to the spare bedroom and showed him where the bathroom was before getting him a pint of water. "Here, drink this, it will make you feel better in the morning. I will get you up early and give you a lift in. That way you won’t have to rely on your time machine to keep your job."

The man drank the water and passed the glass back. "Danka." He rolled into bed and Colin turned off the light, on his way out of the room he heard the man say, "Such shame the machine doesn't work. De mathematics is gut, it works in the forwards time. I don’t know why forward ist the only direction. At least we can send men instantly to anywhere, this is worthwhile no?" Colin's guest appeared to be ranting to himself so he carefully closed the door.

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He mused this over as he brushed his teeth and drank his own pint of water, did the man really believe he had a time machine? If he did and the German military actually worked out a way to change the past they would be unbeatable. Would they change everything? No, Colin decided, probably not when they already controlled most of the world, they would more likely just use it to win all their future battles and undo any damage the resistance could possibly think of doing.

He went to bed considering the implications. He decided he didn’t like the concept. Perhaps he would have to find out a little more.

***

Colin awoke to the sound of retching coming from the bathroom, he felt as though someone had fed him acid and hit him repeatedly around the head. The conversation from last night came back to him, time travel, was it the ramblings of a drunk or should he be concerned?

As he swung his feet off the bed the motion of going from horizontal to vertical made his head swim. He cracked the bedroom door and the faint whiff of spew caused his stomach to revolt, almost losing its contents all over the floor.

Once he was confident he wasn’t going to be sick he called out, “You okay in there Heinrich?”

There was a groan before the man confirmed he was going to live.

“There is a new toothbrush under the sink. Help yourself.” He said before walking down to the kitchen.

He boiled the kettle and put some bacon under the grill, deciding he would line his stomach before daring to check if the bathroom still smelled like sick.

By the time the bleary-eyed German emerged down the stairs, he had tea and bacon sandwiches ready.

“Nicht kaffe?” The man asked, peering into the mug.

“English please, my German is very limited. But no, I don’t have coffee.” Colin smiled at the conflicted look on the man’s face as he considered the food.

“I know I should eat but it is so difficult to bring myself to do.” The scientist said, taking a bite with a grimace. “Thank you for your hospitality last night. I don’t even recall the walk here.”

“Yes, you didn’t seem overly sure where you lived so I thought it best you stay the night. When do you need to be at work?” Colin asked, looking at his watch. It was already eight am.

“Not until nine.” The man replied, groaning as he looked at his own watch. “Could I perhaps beg a lift?”

Colin was happy to oblige, keen to find out where the man worked so that he might be able to discreetly find out whether they were in fact researching time travel.

***

Colin pulled up outside a compound with high walls and a gatehouse. There was a security guard checking people's IDs and searching cars prior to entry, he couldn't see any signage anywhere so he was still in the dark regarding the German man's story.

He waited outside until the man was admitted before driving off and doing a full circle of the compound wall, there was razor wire along the top and what looked like broken glass embedded into the concrete. Even so, there were no guard towers and the security guard at the gate had not been carrying a rifle.

The area inside the wall was not huge, perhaps large enough for a warehouse or two along with some administrative buildings. He looked around and found a school with a high building where he thought he may be able to see over the wall.

He parked in the school car park and got out his tool bag and his little sign which stopped people from using the toilets whilst he worked. Then he boldly walked through the quiet halls and climbed up four flights of stairs. A single teacher saw him on the top floor but just nodded in greeting.

Colin found the toilets and put up his sign before entering, there was a window with textured glass which fortunately opened wide. He could tell that the students had been using this feature to have a discrete cigarette as there were a few half-finished ones stored carefully on the window ledge outside.

He stuck his head out of the window and leant as far out as he could, at that angle he could just see the buildings behind the wall. He pulled his head back inside and rummaged in his tool bag, pulling out an old navel telescope which only just fit the length of the bag, extending the thing to its full four feet he hopped up on the window ledge and leant out, bracing himself with one hand on the frame he put the scope to his eye. There were a number of buildings inside the wall, more than he had expected, one large warehouse to one side and a fair number of smaller buildings on the other. He couldn't quite make out the signage on the warehouse but he doubted they would put up a sign saying "Temporal Research Centre". He watched the comings and goings between the buildings for a few minutes, it did seem to be a research lab as all the people were wearing white coats.

He returned the scope to his bag and noticed there was in fact a leaky tap, it must have been dripping for some time as the porcelain under the drip was stained a green-blue. He turned off the water at the main stopcock and took two minutes to re-bed and replace the seals on the tap.

Happy with his little act of philanthropy he returned to his van, whistling down the corridors and enjoying the reverb they gave the tune.

***

"Hey, I'm not saying I'm convinced they are building a time machine or anything, I'm just telling you what the little guy told me!" Colin was having a hard time trying to explain to his friends his concerns. They obviously thought the concept was too science fiction to be real.

"Well, how do you intend on finding out what actually goes on in there? I mean, surely there must be a way to sneak in or something?" Guy suggested, convinced Colin would drop it once he found out what was really going on.

"Well, I followed one of the cleaners home after work last night." This shocked the other three, they knew Colin could get a bit obsessive but stalking people was a new level of weirdness. "Hey, it was a man! I'm doing the detective thing, not being creepy!"

"Well, actually you are being creepy whilst doing the detective thing." Rich corrected.

"Well, anyway, he works for a place in the high street that supplies cleaners to all of the military buildings in town. If I hadn't been under investigation I would just get a job there, as it is I doubt I would pass the security vetting." Colin was quite proud of his investigative skills.

"This is sounding like a bad spy novel." Guy said wearily, "I am anticipating someone being asked to get a second job."

"Yeah, that was what I had been thinking," Colin admitted.

"No. Not me and not those two idiots either." Guy said, adamant that they weren't getting involved. "Find another way."

"Hey!" Both Nik and Rich protested.

Rich held up a finger, "And less of the insults!"

“Yeah, I’m the only one allowed to call Rich an idiot!” Nik agreed.

“Shut up you idiot!” Rich shot back with a smile.

Guy cut into the banter, “Anyway, find another way. Put a bug in the cleaner's bag or something.”

“But it’s at night, he would be alone,” Colin said before pausing with a vacant look. “Unless… Thanks, Guy, guys. See you later.”

He hurried off out of the workshop with the three men shaking their heads behind him. “I love him to bits but he is a complete nut job,” Guy said with a laugh.

*** Two weeks later Colin was in the same boy toilets as before, this time wearing a harness and with a rope attached to a piece of wood which was wedged under the door.

It was perfectly safe… probably. It didn’t help him feel any safer standing on the window ledge and leaning backwards, putting all his weight on the rope so that he could use both hands to drill holes.

He was installing a parabolic listening device, something he had cobbled together in the evenings for this very purpose.

He accidentally looked down, four floors is a very long way to fall, the people looked like ants and the cars in the car park looked like toys. His mouth felt dry.

He focused on the job at hand, mounting the bracket for the dish-shaped device. He was putting it above the window, the most difficult spot but the least likely to be spotted. People rarely look up.

When he eventually finished the installation he was covered in brick dust, leaning over the edge he made an effort to brush himself down before slipping slightly and giving up. Instead, he connected a small earphone to the device and pointed it as best he could at the large warehouse a few streets away.

After what seemed like hours he finally heard something. The voice was faint but from the German accent, it sounded like it could be Heinrich. He tightened the bolts to lock the apparatus in place and removed the earbud. He would leave it to record for a week before returning to collect the audio. That would be the riskiest time, he doubted anyone would see the machine from the ground but if it was spotted he knew they would just have someone watch for him coming back to collect the data.

He clambered back through the window, landing on shaky legs, then tidied up after himself. Checking his watch he found that he had only taken ten minutes, it had seemed so much longer.

Happily, he opened the door and collected his rope. As he was leaving though, a student stopped him, the young man had come up the stairs so Colin assumed he had been forced to use a different bathroom.

“What were you doing in there? What was that thing wedging the door closed for?” The boy asked petulantly.

“There was a leaky window below this room, I rappelled out and put some sealant on it.” He answered quickly. “It’s a little trick to securely anchor a rope, the doorframe isn’t going anywhere and your wedge can’t fit under the door if it comes loose.”

“Oh, clever.” The young man said, nodding as he walked back to class. Colin let out a silent sigh, glad that it had only been a student.

*** Colin arrived at the yard just as Guy sat down for his tea break, "I've been listening to the short wave radio, getting news from overseas. There were rather worrying reports yesterday." He grabbed the brown mug he always used, it hadn't always been brown but the tannins from the copious volumes of tea they drank had a tendency to stain. "There were three top security Asian military bases blown up within minutes of each other, according to the radio, they were blown up with explosives, not rockets or bombs dropped from planes, weirdly though they didn't catch anyone, didn't even spot them on their security footage. It's like the bombs just appeared there."

"Interesting, I assume you are going to tell us its relevance to your little German friend though?" Guy asked.

"Yeah, I forgot until I heard that but Heinrich babbled something about being able to send men anywhere, instantly." He looked expectantly at his three friends, "The Germans have invented teleportation!" He said with an exasperated tone.

Nik whistled, "Oh crap. That's a game-changer."

"Yeah, and I think it's all happening just down the street from us. I feel like we are moments away from the entire world being under the iron thumb of our Germanic overlords." Colin said, sitting down with a humph.

"Did you get your proof?" Rich asked.

"I'm going back tomorrow, so long as I don't see anything out of the ordinary."

"You never did tell us your plan." Rich prompted him.

"The less you know the less likely you are to be in front of a firing squad when I get caught. I'll tell you if everything pans out." Colin said cagily.

"If it was them, are you in for some sabotage? I'm going to get in touch with the resistance but I'm not confident I can convince them, it's a bit of a tall tale." He slouched in the chair, feeling a bit overwhelmed.

"If you can minimise the risk we are, I'm not going in there guns blazing or anything," Guy told him, the other two agreeing with nods and grunts.

"Yeah, I'm not too keen on suicide missions either." Colin accepted.

***

The trip to the school had been hair raising but hopefully worth it, there was no way they could refute the contents of his recording and he knew that Guy spoke far more German than he did.

It had seemed like he was going to get away clean with his recording, he had arrived at the school during class time after scoping out the building for an hour beforehand. He had walked in from three blocks away wearing a disguise, an actual suit and a tie. In hindsight that had been a mistake, people ignore tradesmen but someone in a suit is unusual, dangerous even.

It had been fine up until he entered the bathroom, he had removed his jacket and quickly opened the window. He only took with him the socket wrench he needed for the bolts holding the device to the wall, that and a briefcase. As he was about to slip out the window a teacher had entered and glanced his way before entering the stall.

Thinking fast, Colin grabbed a half-finished cigarette from the ledge and lit it with a match from the box which was also hidden there. As the teacher exited the stall he took a long draw on the cigarette and had to fight to prevent himself from coughing his lungs up.

"Do I know you?" The gentleman asked with a puzzled look.

"Substitute teacher, Bob." Colin said, holding out his hand to shake, only just managing to keep himself from coughing.

The teacher shook his hand, still frowning, "I thought Johnson was subbing for Little today, I saw him in the car park."

Colin's heart sank, "Erm, really?" He started to sweat, "I hope they haven't double booked me, I really could do with the money.

"Finish your cigarette, I'll go ask." The man said walking out the door.

Colin quickly stubbed out the hateful smelly thing and rushed out of the window with his wrench. It was the fastest he had ever undone three bolts but even so, he was just shutting the briefcase after folding the apparatus away when an officious gentleman opened the door.

"Bob was it?" The man asked, not offering a hand.

"Erm, Middleton, yes. Sorry, I'm new to the job, a bit nervous." He said, putting on his jacket and straightening his tie.

"And you chose the fourth-floor boy's toilet for a smoke break?" The man asked.

"Erm, force of habit? I went here myself some years back." He was really hoping the man wasn't a long-timer with a long memory.

"Hmm, Robert Middleton?" Colin's heart sank again, "I do seem to recall you serving detention for exactly that back in the day."

Colin gave a choked little chuckle.

"Well, I'm afraid you've been sent awry. The substitute post is already filled, though I will be happy to see you sometime in the future. It's heartening to see one of our students taking up teaching." This time the man did offer his hand which Colin shook with a relieved sigh.

"Thank you, sir, I look forward to coming back in the future." He released his hand and picked up his briefcase, "I know the way out, I won't take up any more of your time."

Colin made a speedy exit, leaving the man who he assumed to be the headmaster speaking to the teacher who had rumbled him. He got to the front door of the building and slid to a halt. Standing facing away from the door was a Jack, resplendent in his uniform and possibly the most frightening thing Colin had ever seen. As quietly as he could he turned and tiptoed to the back door, slipping out and into the playground.

Looking left and right he legged it as fast as his legs could carry him the hundred yards or so to the back gate, convinced there would be whistles and gunfire any second. Miraculously he made it to the gate and freedom. He didn't stop running until he was almost at his van, at which point he realised that a man in a suit, running full tilt swinging a briefcase might be rather conspicuous.

Instead of going to his instantly identifiable van, he diverted down an alleyway, taking a few seconds to remove his jacket and tie and stash them in the briefcase. It was a tight fit but it was the only suit he owned so he wasn't throwing it away.

He took a number of twists and turns, hoping to evade any pursuit before sitting down to recover on a short garden wall. "You alright there son?" Came a voice from behind him a minute or so later, Colin turned so fast he almost gave himself whiplash.

The voice had come from a very elderly man, hobbling on two sticks down the garden path.

"Oh, erm yes, fine. Thank you for asking." Colin replied politely, he made a point of being polite to the elderly, partly because he felt a good percentage were war veterans and potentially highly skilled killing machines.

"Been sacked?" The man asked, obviously confused by the business attire in the middle of the day.

"Erm, job interview. Didn't go well so I was wandering to clear my head." Colin said, improvising again.

"Well, you never know. Just requires the other applicants to be worse than you, don't stress about it until the rejection letter comes." The man said kindly. He sat on the wall on the other side of the gate. "The bus will be here soon if you care to wait. It stops to pick me up special like."

Colin smiled and relaxed, he spoke to the man for quite some time, certainly longer than he would term 'soon', it was nice weather though and the man had loads of interesting stories to regale Colin with.

***

He arrived at Guy's yard closer to midday than he had meant to, even though the bus had dropped him less than half a mile away.

He was almost certain he hadn't been followed, even so, he felt self-conscious entering the yard and not wearing overalls. He was convinced someone would notice and ask questions.

As soon as he closed the door, Rich called to him, "Did you get it?" At Colin's nod, he shouted, "Nik, go fetch Guy in from the Yard, we need to listen to this!"

There was some scrambling to get furniture set up and to find a cable to hook the recorder into the shop's old stereo amplifier but before long they were huddled around a tiny speaker which was on its back on the floor. Colin pressed play and then fast-forwarded until they heard speaking. Even amplified it wasn't loud and lacked clarity so they huddled even closer.

"He's talking about… gardening." Guy said as the speaking was cut off with a thud, Colin again fast-forwarded until there was more talking, "Sounds like the same two guys, this time he's complaining that his girlfriend wants him to write more often. Colin, where was this recorder?"

"I pointed it at the warehouse, it was the only angle I could get," Colin said defensively.

"You pointed a microphone at an exterior brick wall? Bloody hell Colin you pillock, we're only getting people's smoke breaks!" Nik complained.

"Shut up, there's more. Anyway, how often do we talk shop in our tea break?" Guy said, keeping optimistic.

An hour later they were still listening to people's personal issues when Rich noticed the tiny light on Colin's detecting machine, "Guys, the Huns are coming, tidy up! Colin, get some overalls and hide out back!"

They scrambled to hide what they were doing and only just managed to get the place in order monuments before the militia banged on the door.

Their hearts were hammering as they pretended to be waiting for the kettle to boil. "Gents!" Guy said, enthusiastically. "We were just stopping for tea, can I make you one?"

Fortunately, it was a couple of the normal compliance crew rather than anything more sinister, the newest load of scrap had been delivered the day before and sat unopened and sealed waiting for the inspectors to check everything off their list and to watch the chop saw go through any weapons included in the shipment.

The men were British so they actually said yes to tea, which was slightly unusual, and annoyingly wanted sugar which ate into Guy's ration allowance.

It took a full two hours to check everything off the list, there were a lot of smaller items but no weapons and unfortunately, nothing interesting.

"Hey, can you put in a good word to the guys who send these things out? I'm trying to convince Guy to renovate a railway gun! If we happen to get one as scrap he is far more likely to say yes." Nik asked the man, he knew the likelihood was slim but he had to try.

The man looked thoughtful, "I saw one of those somewhere, was it down that place with all those steam engines Morris?"

"Oh wow, a steam engine and a railway gun would be the ultimate project combination!" Nik said, bouncing with excitement.

"Well, we can give it a try. I did notice the tank was painted, getting antsy that you won't have the work after it's gone?" The guys were really personable, Nik got on well with them even though they worked for the government.

They chatted and showed them all the work they had completed on their tank for a while after the work was done, they were very knowledgeable about all sorts of military equipment due to their line of work. When they finally left Colin came in soaked to the skin. "What the bloody hell was that! An hour-long chat whilst I'm left in a summer storm! There was rain and hail from blue skies!"

"Oops, I didn't notice the rain," Nik said, suddenly registering the sound of hail bouncing off the roof. "And I kind of forgot you were out there."

"Well, you can give me a lift to my van. I need a hot bath!" He was visibly shivering and Guy was standing in the background trying not to laugh.

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