The conversation with Iris had given me quite a bit to think about. While on the bus home from school that day, I took some time to deeply consider some of the ideas we had discussed.

Even after a few classes had passed, I still wasn’t able to fully comprehend the point Iris had been trying to make. Even though it made sense that some people look at the same thing differently, it didn’t make sense to me that people could change which facts they focused on. In my experience, the only way to convince someone to change their mind about something is to present information that they didn’t have. Specifically, by adding new facts to the equation. The idea that the same facts could produce a different result in the same person seemed to go against all logic.

I knew that, at this point, I was just thinking in circles, and that I should just admire Iris’ ability to see her life in a positive light. But it wasn’t her way of seeing the world that was bothering me. I was well aware that people like her existed, and even if I wasn’t aware, the possibility of such people existing was plainly obvious to anyone with the ability to think logically. The reason I was bothered was because she challenged me to do the same.

The more I thought about it, the more I figured that it was just her own perspective being projected onto others. After all, I’m not special for my own way of viewing the world, and I’m sure if I was trying to convince her to see things my way I would have said the same thing.

As the day went on, I decided to distract myself from my conversation with Iris by thinking more about the situation with Cap. While I was beginning to tolerate him a little more, we were clearly not able to interact like most friend groups at our school. At best, we would simply signal to one another as a greeting and farewell, and at worst Iris would have to serve as a sort of mediator between the two of us, as neither of us were willing to start a one-on-one conversation with the other. In fact, the lack of initiative from Cap’s side was making me begin to doubt whether or not he even wanted to be friends.

However, this train of thought lead me to another question: what even is friendship to begin with? The more I thought about it, the further the answer seemed from me. After all, I never had any friends growing up, and while Iris probably considered me a friend I certainly didn’t know what that entailed.

I decided to think over the way some of my peers acted around their own friends. This proved harder than I anticipated, considering how little I paid attention to any of them. I remembered the conversation between Miles, Alicia, Cap, and other students from the day I met Iris. It was mostly small talk, with little substance that mattered until I was thrust into the middle of it. I didn’t remember quite what it was about, but something in my mind told me that it didn’t particularly matter.

I also considered thew way Iris communicated with me. She was always interested in what I had to say, during the times that I had anything to discuss at all. She claimed to hate small talk, a sentiment I shared, but whenever we spoke it never felt like small talk, no matter what we were talking about.

In the case of Miles and Cap’s friendship, I didn’t know much about the details of what went on between the two of them, but Miles seemed very possessive of Cap. I remembered when Miles attacked me due to Cap spending more time with myself and Iris, and while it was not fun on my end it did make me wonder if that level of possessiveness is necessary to being a good friend.

Despite all the time I had spent in deep thought, I was no closer to an answer than I was when I started. While most of the time I wouldn’t give a second thought to the idea of friendship, as not having friends was something that I was used to, something about the dynamic between myself, Cap, and Iris wasn’t right. I figured that figuring out what this meant might be the key to finally breaking the ice that separated the three of us.

The next day, I decided to seek out some opinions on friendship, as attempting to reason my way through it was not working for me.

First, I decided to ask Iris, who I once again got to talk to alone for a little while as Cap likely attempted to ward off his other friends.

“Friendship?” she repeated my question, “It’s hard to describe. I’m your friend, right? How does that feel?”

“Are you my friend?” I answered with a question, “I don’t have a sense of what that means.”

A slight pout found its way to her face.

“Are you saying that, after all this time, after pouring out our souls to each other, we’re not friends?”

I held up my hands, waving them slightly for emphasis.

“Firstly, that’s a slight exaggeration. Secondly, that’s not what I’m saying. I don’t know if you’re my friend because I don’t know what it means for someone to be my friend.”

“I don’t know what it means, but you’re my friend. It’s not something you need to know to reap the benefits.”

I slumped my shoulders in disappointment. While I wasn’t surprised that I wasn’t the only person to suffer from a lack of understanding, I was left just as confused as I was when I started.

“Why don’t you ask Cap?” Iris asked, “He has a lot more friends than me. Maybe he has a better grasp on the concept than I do.”

I shook my head immediately.

“I don’t want to ask Cap.”

“Why not?”

I sighed in exasperation.

“Because he’s partly the reason I’m wondering to begin with. I don’t know what he wants from me, and understanding friendship would help me understand why he wants to talk to me so much. Also, if I know what friendship means, I can be a friend to you.”

Her hands moved over her chest, and her face turned slightly red.

“Are you saying that you want to be my friend?” she asked bashfully, “Even though you don’t know if we’re friends?”

“Just because I don’t know if you’re my friend doesn’t mean I don’t want you to be,” I stated factually.

“Aw, how sweet,” Cap interrupted, arriving at that moment.

I turned to him, making no attempt at hiding my displeasure.

“Haven’t you heard of announcing yourself like a normal person?”

He held his hands up in defense.

“Sorry, sorry,” he apologized halfheartedly.

Lunch proceeded mostly smoothly from there, with Cap and I exchanging the minimum number of words between then and the end, as usual. After we all split up, I figured the next person I should ask would be someone whose “friend list” probably surpassed nine thousand people at this point. Thankfully, there was only one person in the school with that ‘honor’.

After the following class ended, I found myself at her desk.

“Excuse me,” I made my presence known.

Alicia Alcantra, who at that point was quickly stuffing her books into her bag, turned to me incredulously.

“What do you want with me, Red-Eyes?” she asked, her tone revealing less malice than her choice of words would indicate.

“You have a lot of friends, right?” I murmured, unable to make eye contact.

At that point, a bright smile appeared on her face.

“You bet!” she exclaimed, “People like people like me!”

I wanted to flinch at her haughty attitude, but held it in.

“I’ve been wondering, what does it mean to be friends with someone?”

Her eyebrows raised.

“I’m surprised you’re wondering that of all things. Didn’t know you were capable of making friends.”

The bite of her harsh words stung a bit, though it also gave me the resolve to make eye contact with her.

“I’ll have you know I have at least one friend.”

“Iris, right?” she asked, “What a nice girl. You’re lucky that she’s the one who finally took pity on you.”

“Look,” I attempted to get her back on track, but she interrupted me before I could say anything else.

“Sorry, but class is starting in a few minutes,” she brushed me off, “Friendship is exactly what it sounds like. Not sure there’s anything more to say there.”

At that point, she walked away, leaving me alone in the classroom.

“Um, excuse me,” a voice timidly called out.

At least, I thought I was alone. When I turned around to find the source of the voice, I saw Viridia Fisher, another girl in my grade.

“Viridia,” I stated with my eyebrows raised, “This is a surprise. You never talk to me.”

“I just thought,” she started, “You were wondering what a friend is, right?”

“I’m surprised you of all people are willing to answer my question,” I commented, “Didn’t think you particularly liked me.”

“It’s not like I hate you,” she complained, “But my friends expect things of me.”

“Well, what were you going to tell me?” I asked, impatient.

“Friends are people who are there for each other,” she attempted to explain, “But I don’t really know much more.”

“Makes sense, you’re kinda the beta of your friend group,” I murmured under my breath.

When I made eye contact, she immediately looked away.

“Thanks,” I genuinely expressed, “You’ve been more helpful than anyone else I’ve asked so far.”

“You’re welcome,” she murmured, “I need to go now.”

“Same.”

With that, we both walked out. Somehow, I recognized that I was starting to make progress on my intellectual mission, even if the source was somewhat unexpected.

After that, though, I was at a loss for who to talk to. Mr. MacArthur had a meeting after classes ended that day, which meant that I wouldn’t be able to ask him for help. I wasn’t particularly comfortable talking to my parents after the previous fight, and as I told Iris, Cap was off the table.

With nowhere to turn to, I spent the rest of the school day simply meandering through my classes with little focus. Thankfully, I was gifted with a new piece of information when I was on my way out.

I wasn’t planning on stopping anywhere on the way home that day, so when I left the school building, I tried to make a direct path to the bus stop to wait. On my way out, however, someone unexpected stopped me.

“Hey, Ret, wait up!”

I turned in surprise to see Iris running toward me.

“What’s up?” I asked, “You don’t normally communicate with me outside of lunch.”

“Please don’t, right now,” she panted, “I think I have an idea about the question you asked.”

“You mean about friendship?”

She nodded, eager to share her discovery.

“Trust,” she said, “It’s about trust.”

I stroked my chin in thought.

“I guess I can see how that would play into it, but I’m not sure how that works.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t put much else into words. But I think trust plays into it somehow.”

I nodded, then let a small smile adorn my face.

“Thanks. I’ll think it over.”

Seeing me in a state resembling happiness, she returned my smile.

“Of course,” she expressed, “Any time.”

After we exchanged our goodbyes, we split up. I was initially surprised she wasn’t coming to the bus stop with me, but then I remembered that she lived within walking distance.

“Lucky her,” I murmured to myself, “I could do without all this social interaction.”

While riding the bus was far from painful now that I was used to it, often I was still stuck sitting next to someone, and there were times that my reputation made that less than pleasant, even if I had mostly grown accustomed to any harassment. However, I didn’t have any other consistent way home. While I recently had gotten my driver’s license, our family only owned two cars, and both my parents were working. I didn’t have a part-time job to help save up for a car either.

On the way home, I took stock of everything I had learned that day. While Alicia hadn’t been helpful at all, despite her experience, Viridia had been gracious enough to give me her impression of friendship. She had said that friends are there for each other. It seemed to make sense, but I wasn’t completely certain what she meant. Of course friends like to be around each other, that seems like common sense. However, it didn’t tell me what it mean to “be there” for someone beyond simply being near them. By that logic, I’d be friends with Mr. MacArthur, who I enjoyed being around.

Iris’ idea was certainly more firm, but the application to my life was hazy. If trust was involved with friendship, I wasn’t sure how on Earth I was supposed to have friends. After all, besides Mr. MacArthur, who I wouldn’t consider a ‘friend’, I didn’t particularly trust anyone, and certainly not at a level that I would consider ‘friendship’.

At this point, all the answers I had gotten just left me with more questions. In addition, something else was bothering me. I wasn’t certain why, all of a sudden, I was interested in the idea of friendship. I knew I wasn’t satisfied with our lunch group, but it didn’t explain why I gravitated toward that particular question. I never had the need for friends before, so why did I care now? Was Cap really getting to me that much? Was I really considering letting a former tormentor into my life as a friend?

At this point, I was completely exhausted from all these mental exercises. I figured it would be wise to get home, complete my schoolwork, and get some rest. It would allow me to prepare for whatever would happen the following day.

Though no amount of rest would prepare me for what was to come.