Lunch with me, Kelsey and Cam?

Still feel like shit. Rain check. Cat’s stomach felt fine. But at the sight of Cam’s name in Hannah’s text, everything inside her recoiled. She’d spent the majority of the time in bed, nursing a throbbing headache, even after she took a shower and climbed into sweats.

Talkative was distracting enough, for the most part. There were more than a few posts about not only the party last night, but apparently a dozen others around the city that were far crazier. Someone’s car ended up in a pool, someone else asked how they ended up in a wedding dress from the 80s. Well, Cat thought as she clutched her pillow to her chest, last night could have been worse. She could’ve been any of these people.

Catch you after, then? came Hannah’s reply. Cat opted to ignore it and instead scrolled through a thread about hangover cures.

Exercise and tons of protein. PumpkinKing coming in with actual advice. Cat scoffed and replied, Yeah that’s not happening. Does ice cream work?

PandaSex69 gave her a laughing emoji right after giving Pumpkin a thumb’s down. She nearly smiled at it.

Pumpkin posted, Ice cream has never NOT been proven to cure hangovers….

Now that she had managed an actual smile, she decided to follow her own advice. A little walk to the convenience store for a popsicle would not only get something in her stomach and maybe bring her appetite back, but it might put her in a better mood.

Cat hardly looked in the mirror. No makeup, hair a damp mess, sweats and sweatshirt. Good enough. She knew where her friends were, so she wouldn’t run into them.

The early afternoon was crisp; autumn officially made itself known with a cold breeze and clouds that lingered on the treetops. Would they actually get fall weather? Would it stay this way, or would the sun burn it all away in favor for triple-digit temperatures again, like normal? It had been so long since breathing was this easy, like a dewy morning. Too often the sun bathed the campus in inescapable heat.

It certainly felt like if she stayed outside for much longer, that the sun would find a way to burst through the clouds and make the concrete bench she sat upon hot to the touch. Well, her wandering around for an hour was a good enough cure for her headache, oddly enough. Now she just felt the lingering lack of appetite, and she didn’t want a repeat of last month, so she had to eat something.

Maybe if she was more responsible, Cat would opt for something other than ice cream for lunch. But after PumpkinKing’s reply, she spent the last hour debating best flavors with him in Talkative while she wandered around the main parts of campus, and now she felt committed. Somehow, she’d convinced herself that a lemon popsicle would help her feel better, while Pumpkin bet that something coffee-flavored would do the trick. She wanted to prove him wrong.

So here she was, avoiding having lunch with her friends, approaching the convenience store in the middle of the quad to buy ice cream, of all things.

She should have known her improving mood would have to plummet. That’s just how things went. While Cat was stuck in her own world, sitting on a concrete bench in sweats and passing the time talking to a faceless stranger online, life continued on. She’d nearly forgotten what put her in a bad mood in the first place. She’d forgotten that she opted to text on her phone to a guy whose name in her head was Pumpkin rather than hang out with her friends, who had real, human names.

It was a nice break from reality. But all good things must come to an end.

Just as she approached the door to the store, Peter stepped out, staring at his phone, a small bag hanging from his other hand. Oh, God. The only other guy on campus, other than Cam, she’d rather die than see. Well, other than Cam and Nate. What was wrong with her?

Cat’s stomach flopped uneasily when the sounds of the AC of the store muted by the closing doors. Peter nearly jumped when she approached, side-stepping with furrowed brows.

“You look like you’re going to vomit.” Oh, how nice. What a way to greet someone. But the reminder that she wasn’t the best at hiding how she felt did allow her to mask her shame and guilt with annoyance.

Cat rolled her eyes. “Probably just ’cause I saw your stupid face.” That was maybe a bit harsher than she intended.

Peter sighed, seemingly defeated. “You’re such a child.”

“Better a child than a dick.” She couldn’t look up at him anymore, and instead watched her hand put her phone in her sweatshirt pocket.

“Sure, that’s me.” Peter scoffed at her and went to keep walking, but her stomach burned so intensely, the first words she could find leapt to her throat, stopping him in his tracks. She turned back to him and barked, “You know what? Why don’t you go die lonely?”

Peter spun around, taken aback by her words, seemingly offended. “Beats being around you. Jesus, you’re even more acidic than usual today.”

Her face burned. “Shut up.”

“So, clearly, you feel as great as you look.” The way he dismissed her so easily, scowling without a dimple in sight.

And just like vomit, her words bubbled in her throat until she spilled them. “If I look like I don’t want to ever look at you again, then that’s right.”

Peter’s face melted into a wide-eyed surprise before defaulting to a contemptuous frown. “Don’t blame your hangover on me. Handle your liquor better.”

“That’s rich, coming from you. You could hardly stand last night.” She regretted saying it the moment the words slipped from her lips. She watched, her stomach frozen, as Peter’s eyes went wide. He gaped like a fish, starting and stopping his words. Oh, God. Why did she say that? Now they were transferred back to last night, when the air nearly crackled from the charged energy, when he was so close and her thoughts were caught between kissing him, or waiting to see if he would break first.

But this was reality. They stood in the middle of a cold autumn breeze by a stupid, overpriced store, and Peter’s face was red from anger and humiliation.

“I--You--” She went too far. She shouldn’t have said anything in the first place. Peter stopped looking at her. “Why don’t you go harass someone else for a change? I--I don’t have time for this.” Finally, she kept her mouth shut as he stormed away, white-knuckling his plastic bag as he headed back to the dorms.

The door to the convenience store opened again, spitting out a couple chatting girls, and Cat stepped out of the way with her head in her hands. Why did she do that? Why couldn’t she stop herself? It was worse than when she was drunk; this was an impulsive heat that rushed to her lips before she could even realize what was happening. At least when she was drunk, she was aware of what was happening--mostly. She knew last night who was in front of her, who she nearly reached up to touch.

With her eyes burning in the cold breeze, Cat twisted away from the convenience store to make her way back to the dorms. She couldn’t be out in public like this. Not when she was so…well, what described her?

She went with Nate last night, encouraging him and his movements, ditched him for Cam, and nearly ditched Cam just because Peter happened to be in front of her. Something was seriously wrong.

By the time she’d opened her dorm room door, a single tear started its way down her cheek. She didn’t expect Kelsey and Hannah to be sitting on the floor with their laptops, eyes glued to her in shock.

They didn’t even get a chance to say hello, or ask what was wrong. Instead, Cat let out a small sniffle and asked, “Am I a slut?”

Hannah immediately rose to her feet, a stack of papers fluttering to the floor. “What! Who said that to you?”

“I’ll kill them!” Kelsey was next, but took the time to slide everything off her lap, first.

“Asshole won’t know what’s coming!”

“No--no one called me that,” Cat corrected.” I just…. I was kind of with Nate last night, and ended up with--” Peter--no, not Peter-- “Cam and….”

Hannah interrupted, “Oooh, it’s the Catholic thing.” She said it to Kelsey, who understood just about as well as Cat did this morning. “Cat’s feeling Catholic guilt over her sexuality because she slept with Cam again.”

Cat wiped her tear away, about to protest, when Kelsey deflated and cooed at her, “Oh, honey.”

“That’s not it….”

“Isn’t it?” Hannah challenged, seemingly irritated. “You know, I get so sick of this double-standard. Guys can sleep with as many women as they want and they’re a hero. But the minute we show the hint of an emotion, we’re vilified and even worse, it’s so internalized that we feel it almost instinctually!”

“Exactly! Cat, do you feel bad for eating when you’re hungry?” Kelsey pointed at her, now, as if she was the enemy.

“No….”

“Then you shouldn’t feel bad for having sex when you want it with whoever you want. Right?”

“Right!” Hannah agreed, prompting for Cat’s answer.

“I guess.” She shrugged. Her friends were still fired up, full of energy from being able to eat lunch and from not consuming far too much alcohol last night.

“This is such bullshit!” Kelsey continued, nodding wildly with Hannah.

“You guys are really mad….” Cat finally stepped further into her room, now that the initial attack seemed to simmer down, and went to sit on her bed. Hannah joined her, plopping at the foot of it while Kelsey elected to stand.

Hannah placed a hand on Cat’s knee. “Whatever you’re feeling, believe me. We know.”

“I know….”

Hannah continued, “So come on, out with it. Is it just the internalized misogyny? Did someone call you a slut? Am I shanking a bitch tonight?” Cat let out a laugh, but her roommate was serious. She sighed.

“No...I guess I just….” Hannah mouthed “Catholic guilt” to Kelsey. “Alright, fine, guilt. Whatever you want to label it. I just…. I didn’t intend for anything to happen, and I almost went off with Nate, but ended up with--” Nearly Peter-- “Cam. Like whatever moved was my target and….” She sucked in a slow breath, willing her cheeks to stop burning.

“I mean….” Kelsey stole the moment. “It’s not like you slept with some random hobo.” Well, she nearly did, if Peter was some random hobo!

“But I feel like I could have,” Cat blurted, avoiding their eyes.

“Maybe if it was a hot hobo,” Hannah joked for a moment. Kelsey laughed, but at her roommate’s silence, Hannah sighed. “Look, you didn’t. Okay? That should count for something. Say there was a random hobo in the room right there with you and Cam. You’d opt for Cam.” She continued with her analogy, but Cat kept staring at her fingernails, picking at her skin.

“What if Cam wasn’t there, and--and the hobo was?” Cat blurted, nearly interrupting Hannah. “Like I feel like if Cam didn’t show up, I would have just gone with…with….”

“Nate?” her roommate finished for her. Well. Even as drunk as she was, she wasn’t sure if she would have slept with Nate. But for the sake of the argument, he could be a stand-in. Cat accepted her friend’s fill-in with a nod.

“Be nice to yourself,” Kelsey finally said, nudging Cat’s knee with her hand. “You’re not some animal. I mean, if you don’t want to sleep with him, you’re not suddenly going to go jump his bones when you’re drunk.” She didn’t get it.

Peter was a jerk. He knew which buttons of hers to press and had no problem acting like an asshole. That didn’t change last night just because of too much alcohol. What Kelsey said implied that if she was so willing to try and lean into the moment last night, that there were some sober intentions behind it. But that was impossible. Maybe Kelsey and Hannah didn’t understand because they didn’t know who she was talking about...but it would have to stay that way. No, that moment was going to have to stay secret--unless Cam said something.

Cat sighed. “I should just focus on school….”

“Also a good option. It’s not like this place is free.” Kelsey nodded to her, and patted her leg one more time before she reached into her back pocket for her phone.

“Who’s that?” Hannah asked.

“Peter. Seeing if we’re all down for dinner.” Cat’s eyes nearly bulged out of her head, but her roommate was quick to save her.

“Nope! Estrogen-only night until Cat feels better.”

Kelsey nodded and began typing on her phone. “Exactly. I’ll tell him that.”

“No, don’t!” Cat blurted. Oh, God, the last thing she needed was for them to tell Peter that she wasn’t feeling herself, and then for him to think--what would he think? “He’s...he’s not stupid,” she finished slowly.

Kelsey pursed her lips. “Oh. Um. Girls’ night. We planned this last week and forgot to tell them.”

“Won’t hear any different from me,” said Hannah, raising a hand to promise. Cat’s heart finally relaxed back into its proper place, dropping from her throat just as fast as it leapt there.

“You guys are the literal best. You know that, right?”

Kelsey let out a laugh, and nudged Cat to move over so she could jump on the bed, too. “I could stand to hear it a few more times.”