Chapter 38

I recoiled away from him.

Sungmin stared at me in angry confusion.

“I’m … I’m out,” I managed to say through gritted teeth. This was it. I didn’t want to have anything more to do with the team, close as we had been. As I turned to leave, Sungmin caught me by the wrist.

“Don’t fucking run off,” he snapped.

I tried to yank my arm free but Sungmin’s grip tightened. “Let go of me. I’m leaving,” I seethed.

“The hell you are,” he growled. “Not until you tell me why the hell you know who my dad is.”

I stared at him in astonishment. Wasn’t it obvious? “Wow Sungmin. I’ll give you three guesses as to how,” I snapped at him. “Tell me, Sungmin. Is your dad a fan of baseball? Or does he just carry around that bat of his for fun?”

His eyes widened and his grip went slack. “You–”

“Ask your dad how my money tastes,” I snarled. I jerked free and, before he could catch me again, stormed down the stairs.

As I was starting up my car, Sungmin, having come out of his stupor, rushed down the stairs and at my car. He knocked desperately at my car window. “Jae,” he said. His voice was muffled, but I could hear the remorse in his voice. “Let me talk to him. You’re my friend–”

I stepped on the throttle and my car broke into an angry snarl. Sungmin flinched back. With a second snarl, my Z and I left him behind.

[ hyung, did your apartment have a parking spot? ]

As expected, Taejun replied instantly even though it was late. Friday nights were particularly sleepless for him.

[ No ]

[ Are you bringing your car here? ]

What was with all these obvious questions? I was sick of them.

[ why else would I ask? ]

The one good thing about texting Taejun was that he replied quickly and also seemed to know exactly what to do at a moment’s notice.

[ Park in a guest spot for now. I’ll sort it out in the morning. ]

Taejun was waiting for me when I returned to his apartment. When he saw my expression, his own went carefully neutral, even though I knew he must have originally been pleased about me bringing my car over. It would have meant that I was officially moving back in.

“What happened?” he asked.

“Exactly what you wanted to happen,” I said. “I quit my team. I’m done with it.”

Taejun kept his expression unreadable. “Do you want to tell me why?” he asked carefully. I knew he wanted to know the reason why I was suddenly storming back home in a fury claiming that I was done. But he was afraid that if he insisted on knowing he’d push me back away again. Or that he’d find out something he didn’t want to know.

“No.”

He left it at that.

Taejun didn’t ask me about it the next morning, either. Nor did he start laying out plans for me. He just left me to my own devices, giving me room to settle down.

Sungmin had blown up my phone last night with messages, asking me to come back and talk to him. That he would talk to his father, somehow make it right. It was too late for that. Bones had already been broken. My family ties had already been severed. Both blood and money had been paid in full already. And it was far too much money for it to just be forgiven and forgotten.

Maybe he did eventually realize it in the end. The last message he sent me simply read:

[ I’m sorry ]

It wasn’t his fault. Neither of us had known. And I doubted Sungmin would have had any power or ability to stop all the things his father had done to me and my family. But I couldn’t be around someone with such close ties to the Seven Directions gang anymore. I feared it would compromise the clean start that the debt’s end had given me.

I didn’t know what to say to him, so I just put my phone away.

That night when I didn’t show up at the meet, Ryusuke texted me again.

[ Jae, what the hell happened between you and Sungmin? ]

[ all he would tell me was that you’ve left ]

I’d decided that now that I no longer needed the money, I’d stop racing. It had been a hard decision for me, but it was in my better interests to give it up once and for all. As thrilling and as alive as I had made me feel, in the end, even I knew just how dangerous and illegal that lifestyle had been. It put too much stress on me and Taejun’s relationship. I’m sure his mental health would thank me for the decision.

[ he’s right. Im done ]

It took a few minutes for him to reply.

[ ok. sure ]

[ are we ever going to see you again or ]

I’d considered staying friends with Eunsoo and Ryusuke. But they had been friends with Sungmin before me, and I didn’t think I’d be able to maintain a friendship with them while keeping Sungmin at bay. In addition, now that I’d made the decision to quit, staying friends with the impulsive duo Eunsoo and Ryu would be too much temptation for me. I steeled my resolve and texted back.

[ probably not ]

I didn’t know how he’d react to that. I wanted to give an explanation, but it sounded shitty any way I tried to put it.

[ well you left all your stuff here ]

[ at least come get your laptop ]

That was true. When I’d made the split second decision that I was going to cut ties with Sungmin, I’d rushed right out without bothering to grab the things I kept at the hangout. I didn’t really care for the clothing items there but I did want that laptop back.

I decided I’d go get it after the Tigers left for the meet that night.

Not all the Tigers had left the den. When I arrived, Ryusuke was waiting for me, just like I’d been waiting for Sungmin the other day.

It was odd to see Ryusuke without his perpetual wingman Eunsoo (or was it the other way around?).

“I’m just here for my laptop,” I said tensely.

“It’s on the counter,” he replied curtly.

I felt hollow as I picked up my laptop and wound up its cable into a messy ball.

I’d only known Eunsoo and Ryusuke for a couple of months, I thought. Just say goodbye and get it over with. But conflicting thoughts still raced around my head. They’d become the closest friends I’d ever had despite such a short time, and not just because Eunsoo had insisted on spending so much time together. They’d both shown me generosity and, Ryusuke especially, compassion for my situation. Even outside the races, we had a lot of good memories together.

“Can you tell me why?” Ryusuke asked.

I thought about what to say. Just saying ‘Sungmin’s in a gang’ made it sound like I was running away out of fear. And I didn’t want to leave that as my last impression. “I don’t need the money anymore,” I said hesitantly.

“So it was just about the money for you,” Ryusuke said hollowly. I winced. That wasn’t what I wanted to leave him with either.

“I can’t race anymore,” I added hastily. But the next part was excruciating to say. “I’m moving back in with my brother… He… He would want me to stop. I don’t… I don’t think we can stay friends.”

I was surprised to see the sadness that came over Ryusuke. He’d always urged me to make amends with my brother.

“It’s good you can go back to your family,” he said, his voice tightening with emotion. Belatedly I remembered that Ryu had hinted that he too had become estranged to his own family. I’d never found out what happened. He’d promised to tell me over drinks sometime, but that had never happened. And now it probably never would.

As long as I’d known him, he’d always been there to help and support me when I was at my lowest trying to deal with my family. I’d never had the chance to return the favor.

“What… what happened between you and your family?” I found myself asking.

He looked at me, but it seemed he was seeing through me. Ryusuke’s eyes were cold and dead. It reminded me of how I had felt the day I stumbled into the Tiger’s garage and demanded to race.

“Why should I tell you?” Ryusuke said, his voice going inert. “We’re not friends anymore.”

It stunned me how quickly he’d closed off to me. It wasn’t the first time I’d left people behind. Do Hoon. My mother. My father. But I’d always been driven away by the hurt they’d inflicted on me. I’d always been the one shutting them out.

I was the one leaving, but it was Ryusuke who had slammed the door shut on me.

There was nothing else to say, so I just turned to leave. “Goodbye, Ryu,” I managed to say.

The silence he threw at me as I went back down the stairs and into my car felt just as painful than any argument I’d ever had with Taejun.

Thankfully Eunsoo didn’t text me that night or the morning after. I wasn’t sure if I wanted another confrontation like the one I’d had with Ryu again so soon. But the silence from him was also painful.

But Seolhee had texted me.

[ so you’re out with the Tigers? ]

She must have heard the news last night. Seolhee would be easier to deal with. My relationship with her had always been rocky. I doubted she would care too much if I disappeared on her.

[ yeah ]

[ not going to stick around either ]

[ haha well ]

[ that makes two of us ]

[ Sungmin kicked me out ]

Seolhee’s reply surprised me. I kept staring at it. I guess Sungmin finally had enough of her after she had instigated that feud between Ryusuke and Yoo Seunghyuk/Comet. Even though the feud had resolved cleanly enough, perhaps he had finally had enough of the drama that she loved instigating.

Between me and Seolhee, Sungmin had had a bellyful of drama and issues lately. I smiled slightly. Now Seolhee and I were two wanderers without a home together.

Maybe this was a good thing. After last night I was desperate to keep at least one friendship going.

That evening, I examined my face in the mirror. The welt on my forehead had healed quickly, thankfully. The black eye was fading, and that horrible yellowness of the receding bruise was gone.

I texted Seolhee.

[ do you want to go on a date? ]

Her reply was instantaneous.

[ I’d love to <3 ]

[ when and where to? ]

Nervousness immediately blossomed inside me. I had no idea. Seolhee and I had skipped a few steps but this was technically my first date. I’d never asked her, or anyone else on a proper date. I needed the advice of a professional.

Unfortunately my only option right now was Taejun.

I swallowed my pride and texted him, even though he was in his office. Not only was I uneasy with that office (or rather, the computer within), Taejun usually just shooed me away if I tried to peep in.

[ i need your advice ]

Taejun popped out of the office almost immediately. He looked a touch too eager. It had been a very long time since I’d asked him for any sort of advice.

“Your hyung is at your service,” he said brightly.

I snorted. “If that’s how you act at work, no wonder your boss loves you.”

Taejun chuckled at my cheerful reaction. “What did you need my advice for?”

Now that he was standing in front of me, I felt embarrassed. I chewed my lip, trying to think of a way of asking that wasn’t cringey. Taejun settled onto the couch next to me. “You can ask me anything,” he said gently but seriously. “I might not know everything, but I’ll do my best to give you the best guidance I can.”

I realized he thought I was about to ask him for life advice. “It’s not that serious,” I sputtered. “It’s just about a girl.” I felt my cheeks turn hot.

“Oh.” Taejun blinked. Then he relaxed and burst into laughter. I felt even more embarrassed. “I’m sorry,” he apologized, choking off his laughter. “I thought you were going to ask something a little more– well, I guess this is probably important for you. Is it about this girl you’ve been texting nonstop?”

“Yeah,” I grumbled. He waited patiently for me to work up the courage to ask, and even managed to put on a serene, non judgemental face. I wanted to punch him. “I just asked her on a date. It’s my first time doing so,” I said, my voice fading to a whisper at the end.

If Taejun thought it was odd that I was apparently entangled with this girl but hadn’t yet asked her on a date yet, he didn’t show it. “I’m an expert,” he said confidently. “Did you need help coming up with an itinerary?”

“That makes it sound so formal,” I complained.

“You should always think of a date like a business meeting. After all, it’s two interested parties looking for a mutually beneficial proposal,” Taejun said. He whipped out his phone. I groaned. Asking Taejun had been a mistake. He began lecturing me like a professor.

“A good date should always schedule at least one event and one meal. What happens spontaneously, like going to a cafe, after is a bonus. The event should go first so you can talk about it over dinner– or lunch. Sometimes the date doesn’t go well, so make the event something flexible and leaveable. On a first date, don’t do an event with a show that you can’t chat at. No movies. A concert is hard maybe. Well,” he paused. “How well do you know this girl?”

I felt a little flabbergasted. What was this formulaic approach to dating?! It felt so odd to hear Taejun talking about this so academically considering I’d never seen him dating. And yet all of this felt extremely in character for Taejun’s ever professional perfectionist drive.

“Kind of? I’ve spent some time with her and I know a little about her interests, but apart from the texting I haven’t really gotten to know her too deeply,” I said baffedly.

“The best first date I ever had was taking the girl to an art museum,” Taejun said smugly. “It’s–”

“A museum?!” I interrupted. “That sounds boring as hell. That’s an old person date.”

Taejun scoffed. “You might be surprised. There’s a lot to talk about at a museum. Even if you’re just sharing contemptuous opinions. You get to know each other quickly when you talk a lot.”

“Can’t I just do something normal like a movie?!”

“Weren’t you listening?” Taejun said exasperatedly. “A movie is too blaise. And you can’t get to know each other if you’re just sitting together in silence watching a screen. You can do movies after you’re more established in your relationship.”

“It’s not like I don’t know this girl at all,” I grumbled. Plus, there was an action movie I really wanted to see in the theaters.

“Why can’t you trust me on this?”

“Screw you and your museum! Just give me a recommendation for a place for dinner, since you’re an expert on eating out.”

He gave me a good list of options for dinner. I picked a restaurant close to a popular park, thinking Seolhee and I could maybe go for a walk there after. Taejun became weirdly set on the museum date, so I promised him that that was what I’d do. Then I texted Seolhee asking if she wanted to go watch the action movie.

[ omg yes ]

[ ive been wanting to watch that for ages! ]

Dumb Taejun and his dumb museum.

All my nervousness disappeared when I picked up Seolhee at her nice apartment the next evening. When she saw me, she smiled and rushed at me to embrace me in a tight hug. There were a few people passing by who stopped to stare, but that didn’t stop her from reaching up to give me a kiss as well.

“You’re so dressed up,” Seolhee said delightedly.

An hour before my date, Taejun had returned home in a rush. His work had taken him out for the day and I had expected he’d be out all day.

“I made it,” he wheezed. Taejun looked pleased with himself. Then he proceeded to stuff me into a half dozen outfits of his borrowed clothes until I acquiesced to something that wasn’t blatantly over the top. I wasn’t a formal or stylish person, and it would be odd for me to suddenly show up in something so out of character.

I thought we’d been done, but then he’d sat me down and glued every one of my hairs into place. (I say glued but he’d actually used some sort of uncanny product that kept them in place without making the hair feel overly stiff. Very eerie.)

“I did the best with what I could,” he bemoaned. “Next time you need a haircut, I’m taking you to my barber.”

“Please don’t,” I’d groaned. I was still scarred from the first time I’d asked for a ‘James Li’ haircut and walked out looking like my brother.

But all my brother’s efforts hadn’t been in vain. I don’t think I’d ever looked this nice before. It felt odd looking at myself looking like this. Standing next to the actual Baek Taejun, I didn’t look so much like an imitation anymore. But I did look like someone worthy of being his brother.

Seolhee seemed to like it. “I can’t stop staring. You’re so handsome like this,” she sighed. “Did you get all dressed up for me?”

I smiled and shrugged sheepishly. Seolhee was always beautiful and enchanting. I’d always felt a bit unworthy of her attention. I told her so.

My reply pleased her. She pulled me into another embrace. It always felt good to be close to her. She was in a wonderfully silky feeling dress today. I wondered if she’d be chilly later.

“You’re silly,” she said muffledly into my shoulder. “We’re just going for a movie.”

“Doesn’t matter. I wanted to look my best for you,” I fibbed. If not for Taejun I’d have shown up in a sweater and jeans. “We have dinner after as well.” I started walking with her.

“You movie theater you chose is so far,” she commented.

“It’s so I could pick you up with my car,” I replied with a smile. That car might not be a racer’s car anymore but it was still a nice car that could go pretty fast. Seolhee was very much a girl who loved her thrills. Her eyes lit up.

“You know me so well,” she laughed as I opened the door for her. I just smiled.

I’d guessed right in thinking that watching an action movie with Seolhee would be fun. She wasn’t afraid to laugh loudly at the jokes or gasp and exclaim at the thrilling moments. Seolhee was also the type to comment on things. She was constantly leaning over to whisper in my ear her opinions. Listening to her snarky comments was just as amusing as the movie.

Long after the movie ended, Seolhee continued to let me know exactly what she thought of every plot point. It was a typical action movie, as in, it was mostly gratuitous action scenes strung together by an extremely contrived and nonsensical plot. And yet Seolhee analyzed each and every scene in excruciating detail, bringing up inconsistencies and inaccuracies I’d never thought of. It was fun to listen to her lecture me about it like some sort of literature professor.

“You’re looking too much into it,” I told her with a laugh. “A movie like this is just for good fun.”

“Picking apart the plot holes is just as fun,” Seolhee scoffed. “And, it’s not like I didn’t enjoy the movie. I just also love talking about it after.”

Her rant lasted through dinner, and even when the plates had been cleared by the busboy, she hadn’t finished, so we continued the conversation into the park nearby.

It was a chilly night, and I offered her my jacket. Taejun had been right about one thing.

“This jacket is too much,” I complained. “It’s not that cold.”

“It’s not for you,” Taejun scoffed. “It’s for your date after dinner. When she says she’s cold, you’ll look suave giving her your jacket.”

“What K-drama did you learn this from? What if she’s not cold?”

“Your date is always cold,” Taejun promised.

I smiled at her. Seeing her like this, outside of the party girl persona she usually carried with her, was refreshing. Seolhee loved her thrills and seemed to be irresponsibly careless at times, but underneath, she did have a sort of curious analytical intelligence I’d never seen before. Seolhee was enthusiastic, bubbly, and opinionated. She dominated our conversations, but I’d always been passive, so I didn’t mind.

It felt nice getting to know her at last.

She smiled back at me and reached her hand towards me. I met her halfway and took her hand in mine. As I ran my thumb over the dips and hills of her knuckles, she looked up into my eyes.

“It’s been a long time since I’ve been on a date like this,” she said softly.

I was a bit surprised to hear that. “Really? I thought you’d have a line of guys trying to woo you,” I commented.

Her smile faded for a moment. Then she rolled her eyes at me. “I’ve never been wooed,” Seolhee said. “No one approaches me unless I approach them first.”

She seemed a little sad to admit that. I had only asked her out on a date for fun. I hadn’t expected anything serious to come out of it. I knew she liked to play around. But looking at her now, she seemed a little lonely.

“I’m here now,” I told her. I squeezed Seolhee’s hand slightly. “And even if nothing comes of this, the best part about tonight was getting to know you at last.”

My words seemed to cheer her up a little. She smiled and squeezed my hand back.