[Diary]

31st March, 2015

Sunday (08:00 PM)

Dear Diary,

On Monday I was all excited from thinking about playing detective with big sis, but I thought that if I am going to it in such a way that big sis doesn't find out then I have to take some precautions so that even in the state of emergency she wouldn't realize that I was following her so I got a hold of myself and again endured alone as she went to school, I need to get a better grip I shouldn't do stuff like this carelessly anymore like I did in orphanage where I would always get caught in the end and I can't afford to get caught this time or big sis would get angry but I thought isn't it fine if big sis gets angry, I mean it's not like she would ever hate me and she would only get mad because for my sake so isn't that also a form of love, But I discarded that idea as just thinking about going everywhere big sis goes without her knowing and always being at a risk of getting caught and trying my best to evade it just sounds so exhilarating and the amount of thrill I would get out of it just me start shaking uncontrolabely.

So to take precautions I thought of watching more movies as I got the idea from a movie itself so maybe there is some more valuable information in some other movies.

At 11:30 AM I started watching a random movie and got nothing out of it as fell asleep during it and when I woke up big sis already came home and I got angry at the movie for making me fall asleep as I missed few precious hours I could have spent with big sis due to falling asleep.

On Tuesday I did the same thing but this enduring is getting pretty hard most of the time I almost give in to just follow her but I manage to firm my resolve by thinking about the thrill every time. While watching today's movie I learned a few new words as they were spoken most of the times like "Fuck", "Motherfucker", "Bitch", "Asscrack", "Virgin", and they were most of the times said in angry tone while the characters were killing each other. So I looked up what these words mean and found a whole bunch of curse word's vocabulary and when are they used and why are they used, hmm it's a pretty interesting concept so let's search more about.

On Wednesday I again endured, this time just thinking about the thrill didn't seem to work so I started pinching myself every time I almost gave in but like fuck that pinching hurts, hmmm? I think I used it correctly there because it sounded correct and again started surfing through the internet for information because by now it's cleary inevitable that internet is more informative than the movies.

On Thursday I came across a word known as "porn" and searched it and several websites came so I opened the first one and bunch of videos of naked men and women came, oh my! what the fuck is this and again I think I used it correctly there but I gotta say it feels nice saying these curse words maybe I should look up more but right now what is in front of me is bunch of videos of naked men and women, so I opened the first video and saw it completely.

................. o-oh, o-oh, haaan, yes yes s-so that also happens it seems like, hmm i-i-it's quite interesting I mean doesn't it hurt when that pencil-shaped thing goes inside that hole, then does that mean things like that will also go inside me but the girl seemed to make a face of pleasure and sounds of ecstasy so would I also, yeah I need to look more into this stuff, and as I watched more and more videos it's always the same thing the only difference is the amount of sounds they make and the amount of that white liquid like thing that comes out of the male thing and gets thrown on various part's of female's body.

After watching all these I understood one thing that they all enjoyed it and got emotions shown on their faces I couldn't recognize, I mean there is a whole new world I don't know anything about but is it only possible between male and female? , so if I had to experience things like this do I also need a male? but thinking about some other person touching my big sis or someone other than my big sis touching me makes me feel very, very huh? what is this I feel like going crazy just thinking about it, ahh, aaah, aha, ahahahaahaaa wh-wh-what is this is emotion? is this perhaps jealousy? but jealousy that I saw in orphanage and movies is nothing like this but it seems similar to it so maybe the source is jealousy but it then developed into something else?

Aaaaaaaaaahhhh YES, I KNEW IT! being with big sis makes me feel all kinds of things like last week when I held my hands over her's and how she makes me feel happy, treasured, protected and all the new emotions most of which I don't even know names that she makes me feel and right now because of her I am feeling this going crazy like emotion, YES!, YES!, this must be that, that thing that made my 3 orphanage friends torn apart and do so many characters I read in books do peculiar things this must be LOVE!

On Friday, now that I know I feel an emotion of love towards big sis, things became pretty easy as now I could search for all things related to it on the internet and as I got deep and deep into this topic I found out that emotion I felt yesterday was possessiveness and I also got know the names of some other emotions I felt until now but didn't know names of. Gotta admit being in clear of all the things does feel pretty good.

On Saturday, I thought that all those porn videos I saw were between men and women but big sis is a woman and so am I, so does that means it's not possible between 2 women so I searched it up and came across the word Lesbian so I searched it up and again found various things but the main thing that I found was that lesbian is a somewhat looked down upon individuals but it doesn't matter to me as I only care about my opinion of big sis but thinking about it that might not be the case for Mr. and Mrs. Jansha's and maybe even big sis but I can convince big sis that I know of so as long we keep it a secret from everyone then no ones will ever know and look down upon big sis so it's like a win-win situation. After that, I thought that because of this love, secrets that only me and big sis know grew and will continue to grow even more in the future thus I realized how great this thing called love is, no wonder in those books and for my 3 orphanage friends this love thing was of such great value.

Today I still couldn't figure out precautions to take before stalking (as they called it on the internet) big sis as I got too ditracted with all that curse words, porn, and lesbian stuff, so when I searched it on the internet only things that came were how you should stop doing it and how it is bad and you should get some help. But I mean like why? it's not like I am doing some harm to anyone, big sis wouldn't hate me for it and I mean all those people on the internet are just hypocritical towards it because when in books character does some particular thing because of love all of them just loves it or supports it so what the fuck is wrong with me stalking big sis because of love? uuuuuggh now I got irritated because of it let's breathe slowly ... fuuu...haaa...fuu...haa.. ok I just probably just lower my usage of the internet as it is clearly messing with my brain.

Mayuri

[Mayuri's POV]

Hmmm now it's been a whole week since I got the idea of stalking but I still can't come up with proper precautions but it's geting harder and harder to endure anymore so I think tomorrow I should just start small and just follow her till school and then come back home yeah let's try that NO! not try let's DO IT! SUCCESSFULLY!