My parents brought me back to my dorm once the hospital had discharged me. I said goodbye to them. My father said “see you tomorrow” but instead of being comforting it sounded like a warning. I trudged up the stairs to my room where Ruby was waiting.

“What the hell happened?” she said.

“You got that right,” I said.

“There’s glass everywhere. Why didn’t you tell me? I could have hurt myself.”

I revealed my neon white boxing glove hand.

“It was intentional?” She paused. “Did they give you any drugs?

“Just a prescription for extra strong Advil, some local anesthetic.”

“I thought you said your parents were coming,” she said, going to the door and looking both ways.

“They did,” I said.

“You have major issues. Will you at least pay for the mirror?”

I nodded, unsurprised.

* * *

At dinner the next day, my father ordered a bottle of wine with authority. A full-bodied red, he said.

“May I recommend the 2007?”

“That’ll do,” he said.

I waited until he was a glass in. Then, I thought, better wait for two. My mother ate in silence. My father supplied the conversation, which consisted mainly of how difficult his work was and how grateful I should be for his work.

“I’ve decided I’m going to be a doctor,” I said.

He finished a sip and trained his gaze on me. “A doctor, huh.”

I cut another piece of my deconstructed chicken Parmesan, holding my knife like it would come alive any second because of my injury.

“You know that requires good grades, don’t you?”

I wondered if he really did think I was stupid.

“A toast,” he said, hoisting up his glass. “To my daughter’s success!”

My mother and I hesitantly raised our water glasses and clinked with his. I wished my brother could be here to see this but they had left him home so he wouldn’t miss any school. He would have loved that my plan was working! My father had accepted my proposal and his demeanor had changed as a result. The rest of the night was a warm glow. My father called for another wine glass and the waitress hurried over to bring it. As the red liquid splashed down my throat I thought, I should have done this sooner. My mother smiled at me and at my father, her light mixing with ours.

They drove me home and I climbed into bed knowing I had done something right. I was on the path to being successful and successful meant happy. I was going to be happy.

I woke up to a hard rap on the door. “Who is it?” I said, the high altitude of the bunk bed addling my brain functions.

“Open the door, Andrea.”

I shot up. My real father was back. “One second!”

I fell down the ladder and scuttled to the door. “Is everything okay?” I rubbed my shoulder to brush off the chill that had settled.

“Your mother and I are going home,” he said. “You have a big dream, Andi. I’m disappointed you haven’t been trying harder.”

“I have…” I stuttered. Stupid stutter.

“Your grades are abhorrent and you insist on traipsing around with this crew of do-nothings. This just won’t do if being a doctor is what you want.”

There was no more discussion on the matter. He was right as always and one of the few who could perform my nightmares for me in real life. I played out my part, locked in place in front of them. My mother kissed my right temple, her way of saying sorry. My father gave a curt nod. I waved to them and went to push the door closed. My father reached out and closed it for me. I searched for my life control system. I had lost it in a flash of lightning.

* * *

A week later, EMS had to make plans for getting to the conference. Because I had been ignoring EMS and the planning process, I had last pick of cars. I ended up in the middle seat between Lily and Ruby, directly behind Carl and Akul, fifth wheeling an unsteady car like it was my job. Everyone was excited, and like puppies that haven’t been house trained, no one could control themselves for long enough to keep from making a mess.

“What would you like to do when we get there, Ruby? Anything you want to see lecture-wise?” Akul asked, his sincerity sending a pang through me like a cramp.

“Whatever,” Ruby said. “Probably dance and drink and avoid all the lectures.”

“I want to see the lectures,” Lily cut in, trying to make Akul feel better.

Carl, sensing that the focus had shifted away from him said “Of course you do, teacher’s pet.”

Lily averted her gaze and sunk into her silence. I resisted the urge to open the door and throw myself onto the smoothly paved highway.

I suggested music, which was the only thing everyone could agree on. No one could agree on what music to listen to, so I guided Akul in choosing a neutral pop station.

When we arrived at the hotel in which the EMS conference was held, everyone put their happy faces back on. There were escalators after all. Who could be unhappy on an escalator? We rode up three flights, crisscrossing with other hotel goers as we went up and they traveled down. I extended my arm to touch a golden chandelier that was just out of reach. The lobby was filled with college EMS providers sporting their school's’ colors and uniforms. In one corner, a group from one school was admiring the folding trauma shears of the other school. In another, someone who had cut her foot was surrounded by fifteen service providers all playing whose certification is higher.

Lily, Ruby and I headed to a room that we were to share. In the elevators, we were greeted by more people our age carrying cases of beer. They smiled and asked us where we were going. Ruby and Lily answered and we discovered that we were all on the same floor. We discovered that the hotel had filled each room on our floor with a group of people from the various EMS groups that were there. To keep us quiet, I said. To let us be loud, Ruby countered.

While they changed their clothes, I took a look at the schedule: nonstop lectures until 8 pm and each lecture slot had four subject options. Perfect, the likelihood that I would have to spend enormous amounts of time sitting around with the EMS people was low. I don’t know if I could handle being in the same room with John at the same time that I was in the room with Jacob and Ruby AND Sandy. I highlighted the ones that I wanted to go to and then fanned myself with the program. I watched Ruby and Lily finish dressing. They slid into their clothes as if they were dancing, instantly looking more beautiful and put together. I was never that graceful wearing clothes. In fact, my dressing process looked like the cha cha slide.

That night, the conference had set up activities for us, probably to keep us from leaving the hotel and terrorizing the city’s residents. There was a dance party, banner decorating contests, and a competition to see who could perform the best CPR. People at both contests were hunched over in their concentration. Everything was life or death to them. We all partook in the CPR contest but ignored the banner making, where EMS providers were frantically drawing stars of life on any white space they could find.

When we entered the dance, I was surprised at how high school it all felt. Everyone was much older, there was a significant amount of alcohol involved now, but it all looked the same. Everyone was jumping up and down to music blasting from speakers that could actually force you backwards with sound. We found our group and joined them in jumping up and down. I saw John making his way across the dance floor. Girls and guys alike were stopping him and asking for the tube coming out of his backpack. Finally, he reached us.

“What is that?” I said.

“A camelback filled with vodka,” he said. “Want a syringe Jell-O shot?”

I took the red Jell-O shot he offered but refused the camelback. I wasn’t ready to drink from something everyone on this dance floor had drunk from. I wasn’t drunk enough yet. I took two more syringes. Emboldened, I took John’s hand and guided him to a more open spot on the dance floor. He twirled me around and we danced as the world spun around us. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Ruby and Akul arguing just off of the dance floor. Lily was being dragged around the room with Carl who couldn’t make up his mind about what he wanted to do. As the music transitioned into a slow song, John held out his hand to me.

I accepted it and we swayed back and forth to the melodramatic melodies of the love song. His shoulders felt solid underneath my touch and I longed for what we had had before, wished everything could be simpler. His face had softened, as it sometimes became after he had had a few drinks. This version of him was what I had fallen for in the first place. He never hid his feelings the way I did. It was almost like he couldn’t, like they spilled out of him on a glorious wave he could ride.

Suddenly, a dancer rammed into me on the dance floor. It was Sandy.

“Why is she always so upset?” I said.

“Seniors don’t like having their lives change during their last year.”

“She is really dangerous.”

“She’s not dangerous. She’s just older than you are. The best thing to do right now is avoid her.”

“You or me?” I said.

“Both,” he cracked his knuckles. “It’s hard to be friends with her when she’s like this.”

I tried not to, but I felt bad for her. I knew that all she wanted was John’s attention back, but I didn’t want her to have it at my expense. She had made it very clear where she drew the line. I was happy to stay on one side of it when it meant being pummeled by rocks every time I tried to go near it. Lily tugged on my arm. I raised my eyebrows, hoping she understood what I was asking. At this point, the DJ had turned the speakers to maximum volume. I couldn’t myself lucky that I didn’t fall over every time I lifted my feet off the ground. The floor was like a trampoline. It was never where I thought it would be.

She ran her fingers down her face from her eyes to her chin. Crying, I thought. Who’s crying?

She made her fingers on both hands into the sign for good pasta in Italian and began to smush them together like they were kissing passionately. Got it.

Someone is crying and making out, I thought. What a weird combination. Lily tugged on my arm again. I grabbed John’s arm and followed Lily off of the dance floor. We moved as a chain, each dragged forward by the other’s desire to have some support in the coming situation. Outside, I felt like my ears were filled with indelible cotton. I’m never going to be able to hear well again, I thought. Good bye not having to ask people what they said…again.

“Lily, Lily,” I said. “Explain using words now.”

“Everyone is making out and crying,” she said.

I laughed. “Will you be on my charades team?” The Jell-O shots were kicking in and the situation was not one that I could take seriously.

“Specifically Sandy and Ruby,” Lily said. “But I only care about Ruby. Sandy’s a bitch.”

“What is happening?” My head spun a little, not at exorcist level, but still.

“And Akul might start crying soon.”

That’s when John inserted himself into the conversation. “Why would Akul be crying?”

In that second, I knew why Akul might be crying. And it was our fault. Ruby’s fault first, but then ours. And guilt was like a piece of toilet paper stuck to our shoes.

“Someone fill me in,” John said, using his I’m-your-superior-in-command voice.

“Um, you know Jacob?” Lily said.

“Oh fuck.” He let go of my hand. “We need to get there.” He sped up to the point where we were running behind him to keep up. A fixer, off to fix things.

When we arrived, it was exactly as I pictured. Sandy was on a bed, blubbering into Jacob’s arms. Ruby was standing with one foot in and one foot out of the bathroom where beer was chilling in the bathtub. There were empty glasses from previous revelry on every empty surface.

Upon seeing John, Sandy slowed her crying.

“Jacob. Outside,” John said.

He dropped Sandy and rushed to follow John’s already retreating back.

Which left Lily and I in a room with Ruby and Sandy, which honestly, was the last place I wanted to be that night.

“Where’s Akul?” I said.

“Probably still dancing without a care in the world,” Ruby said.

“What were you thinking, Ruby?” Lily said. She was quiet, not accusatory.

“I wanted someone who wanted me, you know?” Ruby said, on the verge of tears.

“Sweetie,” Lily said and ran to her trying to keep the tears at bay with a hug.

I stood still, conflicted as to who I should be comforting. It’s not like it didn’t make sense to me. I knew that Ruby wanted what she wanted and couldn’t help herself. But I also felt pity for Akul and his situation. But no one liked to be pitied so I decided that comforting Ruby was the best I could do.

“Maybe next time you can tell him before you sleep with someone else,” I said. To this day, I’m still not sure if I was trying to be comforting.

Ruby didn’t take it well.

“How dare you? You, who stands in a house of glass?”

“You could have just called me a hypocrite,” I said, annoyed that this was happening, annoyed that this was happening in front of Sandy.

“Don’t make me do this,” she said.

I shrugged. I had told everyone I cared about knowing.

“You don’t care that you were with Flint while you were still with John?”

“I care, but it’s not as bad as knowingly cheating on someone just because you didn’t have the guts to tell him you were done.” I felt like a child stomping my foot. I would not be refuted.

“I didn’t realize there were levels of betrayal. I think there is just one. It’s like a light switch, on or off,” she pleaded.

“Yours was premeditated,” I said.

“And yours wasn’t?” She realized she wasn’t going to get sympathy by pretending to be a victim.

“Of course it wasn’t.” I ignored the sick feeling in my stomach that perhaps she was right. Was she right?

I thought back to the kiss, the start. I had wanted to be close to Flint at that time. I had felt him slipping away but had I planned it?

Sensing weakness, Sandy began to text. John threw open the door, Jacob hot on his shadow. He looked around, as if trying to locate a fire. Jacob entered the room and endured our awkward stares as we sized up the competition for Akul. Too skinny, too pale, too close. Hadn’t Jacob and Akul been friends before EMS? Perhaps they had been friends the way Ruby and I were friends, tentative crutches when the time called for it. Maybe that’s what Ruby had needed Jacob for.

“What is it? What’s wrong?” John said.

“Tell him,” Sandy prompted me.

“I was with Flint while we were together. I told you this already. Then you crashed the car and I ended up with a concussion.”

“Now do you see?” Sandy began. She stopped mid-sentence. “What?”

“Your bomb has been diffused, Sandy,” I said. “But you sure have shown me your true colors.”

John looked at me, probably unsure as to whether to be mad at me all over again by the revelation. Ruby looked pleased with herself, sitting in Lily’s arms. The only thing that could make the situation worse would be if Akul walked in.

And then he did.

I have never seen so many people forget their problems so completely at one moment than what I saw in that room. I watched Ruby for signs of remorse. She shrunk back behind Lily and tried to make her body into a ball like an armadillo. Akul was intoxicated but it was clear that the alcohol had focused rather than dulled his senses. John took a small step forward, ready to jump between Akul and whoever he tried to go after first. Jacob shifted his body so the majority was behind Sandy.

“Why didn’t anyone tell me?”

It took him five words to rip open my guilt so it was fresh and oozing. I looked at Lily. She looked away, still nervous about standing between Akul and Ruby.

“It’s not so hard. Someone could have said “your girlfriend and Jacob are sleeping together. Or one of the parties involved could have had the guts to tell me to my face instead of sneaking around behind my back.”

“I didn’t want to hurt you,” I said.

“Of course it was going to hurt. But didn’t I deserve the courtesy of knowing?”

We all stared at the floor, experiencing the kind of yelling that we experienced from our parents when we were children playing ball in the house and something broke. When they found out, it wasn’t about breaking the object anymore, because we had done something worse, lied about it so we didn’t get in trouble. “It’s about respect,” my father used to say to me. “I don’t care if you love me. You will respect me.”

Akul turned his attention on Ruby. “Was I not enough?”

Everyone stopped breathing, afraid of making a sound and missing what she said next.

“You were only one person,” Ruby said. “How could you be?”

Which sent thoughts racing through my temple. Had I been leading Flint on because John wasn’t enough? Had I led John on when Flint wasn’t enough? What was enough? I had the strong desire to find a corner of the room and put my face in the darkness, where no one would be able to access my thoughts or feelings.

“They’re all like that,” Sandy said.

Akul shrugged his shoulders and said, “I guess so.” He and Sandy walked over to the TV stand that had been repurposed as a makeshift bar, poured out two shots of tequila and knocked them back, no lime, no salt.

“Again,” Akul said.

They knocked back another shot while we all watched, watched what seemed like the funeral of something.

“Don’t even think of coming to my room tonight,” Akul said to Ruby.

Lily began to stroke Ruby’s arm, hoping the friction would help. Sandy stayed, an unfortunate byproduct of John still being in the room.

“Let’s get you to sleep,” I said. “All non-essential personnel please leave the scene.”

Jacob cracked a quick smile at my attempt at lightening the mood. Sandy shot him a look and his smile disappeared down the rabbit hole. Everyone filed out of the room until it was just myself, Lily, Ruby and John.

John pulled me aside and looked into my eyes like I had gone through a terrible trauma.

“Can I help?” John said.

“I guess,” I said. “I’m not sure what she needs. I don’t know what Akul needs either.”

“He needs space,” he said. “The same way you do sometimes when you’re upset.”

I rolled my shoulders, trying to move some of the discomfort I felt from John knowing me so well behind me. “Did I betray him?”

“We all should have told him.”

“You knew.” Of course. “How?”

“It’s hard to miss the signs. We work in what is the equivalent of a one bedroom apartment that’s been shrunk by a ray gun.”

Kind of like the room we were in. I started to feel a little better as the blame and guilt started being spread around.

“Ruby should have told him when it happened. Akul’s right.”

I felt like ants were crawling up my spine. “She probably didn’t think it would happen again after the first time.” Who are we talking about? I wanted to ask, but it would have been too blunt and what if he was just talking about Ruby and Akul.

“He probably would have been okay with it,” he said. “The action, that is.”

I nodded and looked away, uncertain as to what my face looked like.

“The lie is so much worse.”

“He never asked her,” I said. “It was an omission, not a lie.”

“He should have said “Hi baby, have you cheated on me recently? Also, how about mac and cheese for dinner?” He scoffed like my suggestion had been more ridiculous than pumpkin spice flavored oreos.

With each phrase, John was taking an unconscious, tiny step forward and I found myself with no more room to move back to compensate. I shifted my shoulders to my right, hoping my hips would follow.

“It’s disgusting,” John said.

I stopped nodding, knowing my initial instinct had been right. Ruby and Akul were tangential to this conversation.

“Lily!” Carl called, as if he were calling an unruly pet that had run away in the park.

She followed his voice out of the room faster than Ruby or I could recognize what was happening. We shared a worried glance; roommate telepathy is actually a thing. John left, trailing small friction fires in the carpet. Ruby and I just sat there, staring at each other. We were too dumbfounded by the turn of events to speak, silently bonded in our worry for what would come back with Lily. When she did return, it did not take us long to find out.

“He called me a cunt,” she wailed, covering her face with her hands.

“I thought no one was allowed to use that word.”

“Why did he do that, Lily?” I said.

“He said it was because I danced with other guys downstairs.”

“He was dancing with other girls…”

“I know,” she sobbed.

I wondered what small city we could destroy with our respective shit shows.

“I need to go to the bathroom,” she said, pushing past both of us and our problems.

She slammed the door shut and we waited, steeping in the hot water that had boiled around us. We listened to her muffled screams for a while, then the sound of the faucet washing her tears down the sink. Then nothing. I didn’t realize it for a few minutes because I had accustomed myself to the crying so much that it had become background noise. I shot up on the bed.

“You think she’s okay?” I said to Ruby.

“No,” Ruby said.

I rushed to the door and tried to open it. Locked, of course. “Lily, can you open the door?”