“Um, hello,” Liam said, grinning a stupid grin.

He looked down at the glowing green drink and frowned, and as another really good feeling washed over him there was a flickering and then suddenly all the tooltips hovering around the drink disappeared. Which made him feel even better.

If there weren’t random statistics hovering over his alcoholic beverage then he couldn’t be going crazy. Which was a crazy thought, but he didn’t interrogate it too much.

“Hello yourself,” the vampire said, looking him up and down. That sent a shiver running through him that went to some pretty primal places.

He’d known when he came to this convention that there were going to be some interesting encounters. He’d known there’d be women dressed in costumes from his favorite cult movie ever, or at least he’d hoped and prayed, but he’d never dreamed they’d be into him or that they’d be this beautiful or that he’d run into two of them at once like this.

This woman’s costume was impressive. She had the high hair that’d been so popular back in the ‘50s and ‘60s and had enjoyed a brief resurgence in the late ‘80s when a bunch of people who were nostalgic for that earlier era had briefly seized control of the pop culture means of production.

She also had a killer body in a skintight black halter top and pants that seemed to sparkle even in the dim light from the hotel bar. It clung to her in all the right places, and he licked his lips as he returned the favor and looked her up and down.

Hell, she even had pointed crystal vials filled with glowing red liquid that he knew to be the blood of her most powerful enemies kept on her as a warning to all challengers. He wouldn’t mind giving her a challenge, but in the bedroom. Giggity.

Then he frowned. Something was off here. He wasn’t usually this horny. Sure he could get horny with the best of them, he was a young man after all, but he usually wasn’t this thirsty even inside his head. He shook that head and wondered what the fuck was happening.

“I don’t think the two of you are going to get along,” Liam said, giggling as he looked between the vampire and the enforcer.

Giggling. That was wrong too. He didn’t giggle, and yet here he was and it was happening.

“What are you talking about?” Katie asked.

Because she still hadn’t turned around to see who was behind her.

“Don’t look now,” Liam said, talking in an overly loud stage whisper he meant the vampire to overhear. “But you have a vampire vixen standing behind you!”

Katie’s eyes went wide. Her hand moved to the blaster at her side as she wheeled around. When she saw the vampire her body tensed.

She also seemed to have trouble with that spin. Like her body wasn’t listening to the commands her brain was sending. Which was something Liam could totally identify with considering how out of it he felt.

He couldn’t see Katie’s face now, but he could tell there was something very wrong here from her body language.

Their new vampire friend didn’t look any happier. Like she hadn’t been expecting a real Galactic Enforcer when Katie turned around. Only Liam knew that little badge was right there on her shoulder, attached to a skintight bodysuit with those glowing lines and…

He shook his head to try and clear it as the vampire tensed like she was preparing for a fight.

Liam rolled his eyes. It’d be just his luck that both of them were crazy cosplayers. This seemed to be a day for running into crazy cosplayers who took their costumes way too seriously. Though he also couldn’t help but think of a few interesting role-play scenarios a Galactic Enforcer and a vampire vixen could help him with if they were willing to channel that crazy cosplay in the right direction. Maybe they’d even run into Olivia, or his delightful leather clad rogue on their way up to the room and…

“What are you doing here?” the vampire hissed, and when she hissed it revealed fanged teeth that didn’t look like any prosthetic he’d ever seen before.

Those things looked so real! He needed to get the number of whatever costume shop she got her prosthetics from, because those went way beyond your typical convention costume. He’d expected to see a bunch of people running around the convention with fake fangs they got from Halloween stores, but hers looked frighteningly real.

“Damn your costume is good,” he said, still swaying slightly as he looked the vampire up and down.

And as he looked her up and down he was hit with another wave of that weird feeling that’d been hitting him ever since he took a drink of the green stuff. He looked behind the bar, intending to ask the pretty bartender what the hell went into that stuff, but she was nowhere to be found.

Odd, that. He would’ve figured she’d be out trying to get all the tips she could while the getting was good.

The world seemed to glitch around him again. Like everything went pixelated. The heads-up display around the green liquid reappeared, and he shook his head to try and clear his mind.

“You’re in danger,” that voice said.

It was the same as before. The pretty redhead who was always nowhere to be found. The pretty redhead who was apparently taking up residence inside his head, which wasn’t good.

He was hardly surprised this time around that she was nowhere to be found when he looked.

“Would you stop looking for me?” the voice said. “You have to come find me!”

“But that makes no sense,” Liam said, frowning. “Isn’t that the same thing?”

“What makes no sense?” Katie asked, pulling him out of the crazy moment.

“You being here makes no sense,” the vampire said, pulling his attention back to her and away from the voices in his head. “I thought we lost you after the jump into this system!”

He stared at the vampire, and as he did that feeling that he was losing his mind came back. Because as he stared at her he saw statistics floating over her too. The kind of armor she was wearing. A look at the blaster at her side showed the kind of attack power it was putting out, the kind of damage, and the kind of armor or shielding someone would need to stop it.

He even understood the different armor types. Like the information was flowing into his brain in a download as he needed it. Not that it was going to do him a damn bit of good, because all that information told him he was well and truly fucked unless he found some serious firepower of the variety that wasn’t available to civilians.

Sort of like Kyle Reese going up against a Terminator with the weapons available in the 1980s.

He shook his head, and the videogame overlay blinked out of existence. Leaving him standing there wondering what the fuck was wrong with him.

“You need to get out of here, Liam,” Katie hissed.

“Why would our new friend Liam want to leave?” The vampire asked, leaning forward and trying to put a hand on him.

He pulled away from that touch. He wasn’t sure why. Just that there was something screaming at him that it wouldn’t be a good idea to let this woman touch him.

“Smart,” the voice in his head whispered. “The primitives can be taught.”

Liam shook his head to try and clear out the fuzziness. Shaking his head seemed to be working so far, for all that it made no sense. Maybe it was a way to reboot the crazy or something. Then he looked at the vampire again.

She was the opposite of everything Katie was. She was smooth where Katie was awkward. She had the whole seduction game figured out where Katie was still fumbling and making crude remarks about primitive mating rituals.

It was clear this woman was having a hell of a time cosplaying a vampire vixen in addition to being the type who took her cosplay a little more seriously than the average nerd.

The costume. He focused on the costume, because that was a bit of normalcy in the sea of weirdness he suddenly found himself in. Especially the way she kept moving to try and keep eye contact. Just like one of the vampire vixens from the movie. Like she actually thought she had mind control powers that could enslave him and make him her thrall.

Weird. Sure he wouldn’t mind being enslaved by her for a few hours tonight, but it wasn’t like her powers were real.

“Where did you get that costume?” he asked, staring in wonder. “Did you make that yourself?”

“That’s not a costume,” Katie said, standing and kicking her barstool to the side.

Which was impressive considering those barstools were bolted to the ground, but she kicked it, the metal tearing with a loud screech, like it was nothing. That screech was followed by a crunch and the sound of twisting metal as it slammed into a table and sent a bunch of merchandise people had been ogling while they were eating lunch scattering.

“Um, I think you’re not supposed to be able to do that with the barstool,” Liam said, his mind not quite catching up with what was happening. “And I really think you’re not supposed to do it even if you can do it, if that makes sense.”

What the hell was wrong with him? It was like his brain was having trouble rubbing two thoughts together.

“You shouldn’t be here, Enforcer,” the vampire hissed at Katie.

“And you’re what I’ve been looking for,” Katie shot back at her.

Katie raised her blaster and pointed it at the vampire. The thing was a dead ringer for the Galactic Enforcer blaster pistols from the movie, which is to say it looked like a regular prop gun with a few glowing bits thrown in since the movie hadn’t had the budget for super expensive looking props and using regular guns with glow sticks hot glued to the side had helped save money. Katie’s even had a glow at the tip.

Yeah, she’d definitely gone overboard trying to make sure her weapons looked just like the real thing. The fake real thing, that is. Though it looked like she’d gone with LEDs embedded in the gun rather than the large supply of glowsticks Galactic Enforcer cosplayers used to have to carry around conventions to get a truly authentic look.

There were some cosplayers who said the LEDs were bullshit workarounds and no substitute for glowsticks, but Liam always figured those pedantic purists could take their glowsticks and shove them somewhere their light couldn’t be easily seen.

“This is the only chance I’m going to give you to go quietly without alerting the locals,” Katie said. “I’m sure your brood mother would like to keep things nice and quiet.”

The vampire’s eyes darted to the glowing pistol, Liam almost thought he could see some faint stats hovering over it and then they were gone as quickly as they appeared. She looked worried. He wasn’t sure if that was because she was playing a very good part, or if there was something more insidious going on here.

Maybe it was the booze talking, but Liam was starting to think maybe these women weren’t simply cosplayers taking a bit way too seriously.

Which was impossible, but it’s not like it’d be totally crazy if he found himself in a Galaxy Quest scenario. Maybe the people who created that ingenious meta-commentary about aliens mistaking a science fiction show for the real thing were trying to prepare earthlings for the real thing.

Or maybe his brain was taking a time out because all his blood was moving down to his lower brain, and the only thing he could think about was how much he wanted these two to get into a catfight where they started pulling a Shatner and ripping clothes off each other.

Preferably with him right in the middle on a hotel bed. What was the point in having that fantasy if he wasn’t right there in the middle enjoying it right along with them?

With the two beauties, not Shatner. He wasn’t interested in personally recreating the alleged encounter between his mom and the Shat.

“Listen,” Liam said, still slightly confused as he tried to think through what to say next. Like there was a fog on his brain making it difficult to think. “I appreciate that the two of you are having this fight over little old me, but you don’t have to do that.”

They both turned to look at him. Katie looked like she felt bad for him being stuck in the middle of this, and the vampire looked like she was thinking about all the things she wouldn’t mind doing to him once she got him back to her spaceship.

“Wait here while I take care of business, my pet,” the vampire said, glancing at that green drink as the faintest hint of a smile passed across her face. “I promise you’ll have more fun than you ever could’ve imagined.”

“I don’t know,” Liam said. “I’ve imagined a lot of fun with a vampire vixen over the years.”

“You won’t get away with this,” Katie said, lunging for the woman rather than using her weapon which would’ve made more sense.

Because of course if they were going to get into a catfight then she was going to throw herself at the vampire rather than using her blaster. It made no sense that she’d use her blaster considering it had to be a prop, right?

They rolled across the room, the vampire tumbling over Katie as they turned into a sea of limbs landing punches and kicks.

The blaster also clattered to the floor, sounding a hell of a lot heavier than a prop blaster had any right to be. It came to rest at Liam’s feet. He bent down and picked it up to have a closer look.

The thing was warm to the touch, and when he touched the tip it sparked and sent a chill running through him. He frowned, and suddenly he was totally sober. Like all the effects from that green drink had been washed away in an instant.

“The Galactic Enforcer blaster can be used if one is afflicted by the vampire vixens and their nefarious ways,” Liam muttered, repeating a line from the movie as he looked at this “prop” in his hands with totally new eyes.

“Now you’re starting to get it,” that voice whispered in his head. “I might be able to stop the eyes, but I can’t offer you protection when you’re stupid enough to drink something they give you like an idiot!”

“Holy shit,” Liam breathed, ignoring that voice as he was hit with one hell of a realization. “This shit is really real!”

He was well aware that the most likely explanation was still that this wasn’t real. That it was a surprisingly realistic demonstration the convention was putting on.

Only all the pieces were falling into place, and it all pointed to this being real. Especially with how he’d sobered up when he touched the tip of that blaster. That certainly wasn’t part of any demonstration.

He took a tentative step to test his theory, and the world didn’t try to swirl out from under him. Though pandemonium reigned everywhere else but his inner ear.

People shouted and tried to scramble out of the way as Katie and the vampire went at it. The vampire tossed Katie, and she reduced tables to splinters as she flew through them. Even more impressive, it didn’t look like she so much as flinched as she turned those cheap hotel bar tables into so much kindling.

Holy shit. They were throwing down like they had superpowers. Or at the very least like they were enhanced by Galactic Enforcer nanomachines and shielding that allowed Katie to take more of a beating than anyone had any right to take.

“I could do better than that,” the disembodied voice whispered in his head.

Again he looked around, though at this point he knew it wasn’t going to do him a damn bit of good. “Who the hell are you?”

“Spoilers. You have to find me before I give anything away!”

“What the hell?” one of the neckbeards in his pony shirt shouted as Katie slammed into his table.

A moment later the vampire was right there next to him, stroking his scraggly chin as he locked eyes and looked up at her with a slack-jawed worshipful expression. It was something straight out of Vampire Vixens.

“This is all fucking real,” Liam whispered, that little display of mind control acting as the final nail in the coffin of his disbelief.

“Oh come on,” someone said from behind him.

He wheeled around to see a couple of dudes who were about what he’d expect to see at a convention like this. Both of them had a bit more weight than was entirely healthy on them, but not to the point they were in danger of having a coronary just by taking a couple of steps. Both of them wore the kind of scraggly neckbeard that would make future generations sing songs of their mighty fedoras.

At least future generations would’ve sung songs of their mighty fedoras if they were ever able to get a woman to stay interested in them long enough to make a future generation, which didn’t seem very likely.

“Excuse me?” Liam asked.

A scream rang out from the other side of the room. Liam turned to see that the vampire had used her claws to rip into the pony dude’s neck. He was screaming and gurgling, but those eyes…

It was creepy. Like he was thanking her for ripping his neck out.

She leaned down and took a couple of disgusting licks, but her snack was interrupted by Katie slamming into her and sending her flying across the room. Her face was covered in blood now, and more of it sprayed out from the dude when he landed on the ground with a heavy thud.

“This is all part of the convention,” the first dude said, staring at Liam and completely ignoring the horror show going on in the restaurant. “You can’t pretend you don’t know this is all some publicity stunt.”

“Yeah, you can drop the crisis actor routine,” the second one said. “We know you’re a plant working for the convention. How else could a guy like you get the attention of two hotties like that?”

Liam wanted to be annoyed, but he was still too shocked by all the revelations hitting him. Besides, he figured it was profoundly sad that this dude moved through a world where he automatically assumed two hotties wouldn’t be interested in one guy at the same time. Clearly neither one of these guys had done any living.

“You seriously don’t understand what’s going on here,” Liam said. “We’re all in serious danger.”

“Yeah right,” the first dude said. “Why don’t you hand over that prop? It looks like an authentic replica from Vampire Vixens from Planet X! Did you steal that from the prop exhibit or something?”

“You know about Vampire Vixens?” Liam asked, though he figured if there was anyone who’d know about that movie then these two fit the bill. He figured he could say that kind of thing since he was a nerdy superfan as well.

“Of course we do,” the dude said, elbowing his friend beside him. “Who wouldn’t want to watch a bunch of sexy women dressed as aliens getting it on? Is that going to be part of the show too? Or do we have to wait for the after hours panel they’re doing?”

“You guys are assholes,” Liam muttered, turning to see what was going on with Katie and the vampire.

Only before he could complete his turn to get that look the dude stood and pushed him. Liam took a couple of stumbling steps, but he was able to maintain his balance. Barely.

“What the fuck, man?” Liam said. “You need to get out of here and leave me the fuck alone!”

“Fuck you,” the guy said. “I don’t like your attitude.”

He punctuated his words by giving Liam another push. All Liam could do was stare as he stumbled back and tried to maintain his balance, not quite believing this was happening. Was he really getting pushed around by the kind of asshole who’d probably been the first target of bullies on playgrounds back in the day?

“Who are you calling an asshole?” the dude said, taking a step forward and actually swinging at Liam.

Much to Liam’s surprise he ducked out of the way. It was like time slowed down for him, and avoiding the guy’s swing was as easy as ducking down at the last moment and stepping to the side.

Now it was the asshole’s turn to stumble forward, surprised at how quick Liam had reacted. But then he took a couple of deep heaving breaths, he didn’t look like the type who did cardio all that often, and barreled towards Liam once more.

Again time slowed down, like way more than he figured an adrenaline response would allow for, and he easily stepped to the side. Which sent the guy stumbling forward until he slipped in the pool of blood spreading out from the dude the vampire vixen had killed.

He fell to the ground, and when he came up he was covered in blood and gore. He looked down at the stuff in disgust, and then up to Liam.

“Fucking disgusting,” he growled. “Do you have any idea how hard it is to get fake blood out of shit?”

Liam figured that was a rhetorical question. Not that he gave a shit about this guy’s clothes. Though he was curious how the dude knew fake blood was difficult to get out of clothing.

The guy looked like he was getting ready for another charge, and he seemed good and pissed off now. He also seemed totally divorced from reality considering he’d just gotten very real blood all over him, and he still insisted it was the fake stuff.

Though if ever there was an era where someone would deny the evidence of their eyes, Liam figured this was that moment in history.

Without thinking he raised the Galactic Enforcer blaster and pointed it at the guy. He put his finger on the trigger but not around it. He figured trigger discipline was important even when holding something that might or might not be a prop.

At least he hoped and prayed it wasn’t real since that would mean none of this was real, but his spirits fell as he put his finger on the trigger and the thing let out an ominous hum. Like it felt his touch and anticipated action.

“What the fuck are you going to do with that?” the dude asked. “Hit me with glowing lights?”

The guy lunged for Liam and he jumped. When he jumped he pulled the trigger.

A blast of energy slammed into the guy. He had a considerable bulk, not all of it fat by a long shot, and so it took some time for that bulk to disintegrate like something out of an old ‘80s science fiction movie. Liam could only stare in horror as the guy did his best impression of Paul Winfield’s exit in Wrath of Khan.

Though the sparkling energy that ripped the guy apart was more orange than the red from that movie. Whatever. The dude was disintegrating right in front of him, and it horrified him.

The other dude who’d been sitting there scarfing down enough calories to single-handedly feed a family of four for a couple of days looked on in horror. Like he was finally believing the evidence of his eyes.

Then the dude scrambled to get the hell away, leaving Liam standing there with a very real blaster in his hand staring between it and the spot where the guy had disappeared, wondering how the hell he’d found himself in a very real Galaxy Quest scenario where there were fucking vampires threatening to pull a bit of the old seduce and destroy.