Nathanael

It was nearing the end of autumn and would soon be wintertime. I loved the winter months, as it meant that my step-sister Nilec would be coming home. She spent the spring and summer months in Mellimdisiel, the homeland of the Ellearn. But she always spent the last of autumn and all of the winter at the cabin with me. It was always good to have her company, but right now it was especially important to me.

My parents had come home that morning and I rushed to hug them, something I always did. My mother patted my back as I coughed against her, not heeding her warnings that I should slow down. I never did. I was too excited to see them. Even after being called a monster, I could not deny that I wanted to be loved by them. They were my parents.

But my father hugged me loosely and I barely felt his arms around my frame, no hands against my back as I coughed. He spoke to mother over me, as if ignoring my being there with him. It hurt. I pulled away to look up at him and his blue eyes were not as cold as I feared, no, they were sad. Peter gestured to the kitchen and mother and I followed, settling at the kitchen table. Across that table, my father’s hand rested and my mother took it in hers, thumb rubbing against his skin. A reassurance I wish they would give me.

My father said, “We will have to ask a priest to come to the cabin, Nathanael is behind in his letters and words.”

The sound of someone arriving through the teleportation circles could be heard in the background but I kept my attention on my parents.

“Well…alright, but who do we trust to know the location of the cabin?” my mother asked.

“We can ask for his eminence's help in deciding who should teach Nathanael.”

A cough came from the second kitchen doorway that was closer to the portals, Drefan stood there under the archway.

“If I may, your majesties?”

My mother looked at him, “Drefan?”

“Would bringing someone new into the cabin only increase the chance of Nathanael getting sicker? I would volunteer to teach him. I know Gaelian, quite well as my second language.”

My father looked as though he was about to say something but he closed his mouth looking at my mother.

Elaina smiles at Drefan, “Thank you for the offer Drefan. Are you sure you will have time? Aidna told me you are taking classes of your own.”

Drefan shrugs, “I can make time for him.”

Elaina softens, “Thank you. I think it’s a good idea. Less chance of bringing in more illness to the household and you may know other ways of teaching the language from how you were taught, Drefan.”

Drefan nods and I cannot help but smile. Drefan wanted to teach me? To spend time with me? At least someone did…

“Then it's decided. Drefan will tutor Nathanael.”

Drefan would bow his head to my parents before he left the three of us in the kitchen alone, again. He made his way downstairs into the basement. My father shakes his head.

“Are you sure this is a good idea?”

“We have to show we trust them, Peter. Otherwise, what was the point in marrying Nathanael to Thom?”

I looked between the two of them as they spoke and my mother rubbed my back once again.

“Ignore us Nathanael. Drefan will likely be a good teacher. He is quite patient. Now go on and play, your father and I have something to discuss, it seems.”

I stood and would leave, knowing that they were going to argue about something, something to do with me. They only seemed to argue when I was involved somehow. I left them there and went to my room which was in part, across from the kitchen, where all I could hear was their hushed voices.

Did I want to know what they were talking about? I stayed by the doorway to my bed-chamber, leaning a little out into the hallway to hear better…

“He needs religious instruction too, Elaina.”

“Less than a year ago and you would never have wanted the priests near him for anything other than healing.”

“Things have changed. He’s changed.”

“He has not and I will not hear another word of this Peter. He is still our son and he is a child. Allow him these years before the priests try to make him into some sort of righteous king.”

One of the kitchen chairs is pushed back on the wood floor and I dove down among my horses. I did not want them to know I had heard anything that had been said. I coughed into my sleeve, my heart jumping. I took up my favorite horse and began to play, trying to appear as though I had been playing the entire time.

I had changed…

Yes, I was a monster now.

And I stayed in my room, even as my parents left and until I heard the front door open instead of the teleportation circles. That could only be Nilec! I did not know why she did not use the circles but she didn’t, which meant she was the only one to use the front door. Again I didn’t care that rushing from my room made me cough and that I had to stop to regain my breath. Nilec was already inside, pulling a large woolen sweater off and placing it over the fainting couch. She looks at me and gives a small smile, rubbing at her arms where she stood before opening them to me. I hug her, looking up at her, needing affection after my father ignored me. Her hair is in two messy braids down her back and she wears a boy’s tunic and breeches in the colors of the forest. She doesn’t look like a princess and I know that’s what she wants. She would rather blend in and never have people notice she was ever there...

I retreated so that she could feel comfortable again and she looked out the window wistfully. Then looking back at me, “Do you want to collect some leaves with me? I would like to make an autumn wreath for Elaina.”

Nodding I would run back to my room, coughing blood into a cloth that was always at hand for this purpose. I pulled on a woolen coat and did up the buttons before pulling on my leather boots. Nilec had her sweater back on and we headed out the back door, where I waved to the Royalian Black Guard, who sat on the stairs there. He would wave in return, and I could see the small smile on his face.

We spent the afternoon collecting autumn leaves which were then made into a wreath. Nilec cut a strip of cloth which she fashioned into a circle and would sew each leaf onto the cloth to cover it with color. We left it on the kitchen table so momma could find it easily when father and she returned to the cabin later that week. Nilec put a note with it so they knew it was from both of us.

-

It was late that same night when Nilec came to wake me but I was already awake. I was still not wanting to sleep, afraid I would be taken in my sleep away from everyone, and everything. So when Nilec noticed I was awake she put out her hand to me.

“Come, I want you to see the stars.”

She would bundle up my blankets in her arms and I was instructed to bring my pillow. I was nervous at the thought of the night sky and being outdoors so late. But I followed my Ellearn step-sister outside, where I saw that her blankets and pillow were already set up on the grass. She wrapped me in my blanket and I laid down on the pillow before she wrapped me in the other blanket too. The back of the cabin was simple, a large willow tree with a swing was in the far left corner of the glade. The slight breeze moved the swing just enough to make noise, and just enough to leave me fearful in the darkness.

But a skinny arm laid over me and Nilec smiled, drawing my attention to her face. This close I realized it was thinner than the last time I remembered seeing her. But that always seemed to be the case, thinner and thinner, soon I thought she would drift away in the wind…

“Look up, nice and slow,” she instructed.

I took a deep breath and moved my eyes up to the trees that surrounded the glade that the cabin was built in. Slowly progressing until there were stars in a darkened sky.

“See, the stars fill the sky at night so it's not so endless,” she whispers to me and I swallow, nodding. That was true, the silvery specks of light did help make the sky seem less like an endless pool that would take me in and drown me.

“There is the fox,” Nilec points out constellations to me, and I tilt my head in different directions trying to make sense of the patterns in the stars. I could make out a few of the constellations she was explaining to me, but some I just could not see or understand.

“...And there is the rose, Drefan’s favorite constellation,” she sighs and lays her head down on her pillow.

“You miss him, Nilly?”

“He’s been gone a long time…”

“But Nilly, he’s back, he just comes and goes for training.”

“Is he here right now?”

I nod enthusiastically to her as his presence seemed to mean a lot to her and I wanted her to be happy. She leans and kisses my forehead before unfurling and heading back inside. I carefully, slowly look back up at the starry sky. I tried to count them, all of the specks that I could see but there were far too many, and yet I managed to count over a hundred. While I had been counting, Nilec must have talked Drefan into coming outside with us.

He was wearing a grey sleeping tunic and dark green tights and no makeup. If I had not known something was wrong with him already, I knew now. I could see the rope burns around his throat, the cheeks that were caved inwards by illness. The dark circles around his eyes and the frown lines that were always on his face. He looked old enough to be my parent. Definitely older than my mother or father.

Drefan settled into the grass pulling a knee to his chest, looking at me briefly before looking up at the night sky. Nilec burrows back into her blankets beside me with Drefan on her other side.

“I’m happy your back,” Nilec whispers.

Drefan smiles at the stars, “Thanks. I just wish I had gotten what I went up there to find. But it wasn’t meant to be…was it?”

“No. Even without prophesying, the great sea’s waters are clear enough to tell me that the future is unchanged.”

“Are you above water right now?”

“Yes, I’m doing alright.”

I looked between the two adults confused about what they were talking about, “Nilly?”

“The purple seas, Nathanael. Where Seers tread water and try to stay above so they can breathe. But when we have visions, we often feel like we are drowning, being pulled deeper and deeper.”

Drefan shudders, “Deeper into the Abyss. Where you go when your mind shatters, and where Seers live half-lives, their minds both here and there at the same time.” Drefan reaches out and touches Nilec’s shoulder after he speaks.

Nilec takes in a deep breath and she looks to me, “It’s why there are times I do not sound right, where my words are twisted and come out in rhyme. That’s normally when I am beginning to drown.”

I did not like the sound of that at all! I curled close to her, head against her shoulder and Nilec hugged me to her with feeble strength.

“No matter where my mind goes, I will always be your sister,” Nilec kisses my forehead once again. “Even if I wander far in body and spirit, I will help you.”

I looked up at her curiously, wondering just how much of our future she already knew. But from what I had been told, Seers rarely if ever were given visions about themselves or their families. The want to change the future would be too high than in those cases and Seers were not meant to change what was to happen, only warn of it.

Yet each full-blooded Ellearn and those with Ellearn blood had a unique destiny that determined their proper course in life. Destiny decided the extent of one’s lifespan. For when an Ellearn’s destiny was completed, they passed away, which I know knew meant they died. Ellearn were raised to love one’s fate, to cherish and accept it. But for Seers, they saw the destinies of others and could change nothing.

Maybe then…

“Is that why you’re always so sad, you know what’s going to happen and are not allowed to do anything about it?” I asked, still looking up at my step-sister.

“That is part of it,” Nilec agreed and she leaned to kiss my bald head, “There are other things too that you do not need to worry yourself about. It’s not time yet.”

Yet. “So, soon?”

Nilec laughs and gives me a slight shove, “Soon, yes, soon! You are not getting any secrets out of me.”

Pouting up at her, Nilec gives me a half-hearted glare in return, “No.”

Drefan chuckles beside me watching the two of us, “He’s stubborn, I will give him that.”

“Comes by it naturally through Peter,” Nilec mumbles, and Drefan grins in return. They both did not like my father very much, I did not understand why.

Nilec shoves Drefan’s shoulder lightly, “You are training again?”

“With Lord Duagovantril, the lich. I’m hoping he will eventually teach me how to become one myself.”

“That would take care of your power issue.”

“It would, but it will be a bit yet before I go through the transformation. Lord Duagovantril wants to make sure I am fully ready so the chances of me surviving are at their highest possible.”

I did not understand much of what he said except the idea of surviving meant not dying right?

“You could die?” I ask, worried because of the effect that would have on Thom.

“I could, but the chances will be very low when I do it. I’m not leaving Thom again. Don’t worry.”

I nodded, still concerned but willing to believe him and so we talked. Nilec told us how she had spent her time in the Ellearn lands of the Mellim’disiel, learning how to control and craft trees into shapes and around buildings. I let them know of my boredom, being stuck here at the cabin mainly by myself except for the guards on duty. Drefan explained what Lord Duagovantril asked him to do in exchange for his apprenticeship. I asked if Drefan could bring me books too so I could learn more and he said he would find some for me that were meant for children.

The sun was beginning to come up and as the stars began to disappear I whimpered not liking that the sky would be an endless pool once again, high above me. Nilec hugs me and promises that we would keep working together through my fears. She whispers that once I could handle the sky that she would take me to see the ocean. That sounded scary but exciting and I nodded to her glaring up at the light green firmament. I did not want to be afraid; I could feel the panic building as the heavens no longer had the sparks that had filled it the night before. It was going to take more than one night to rid me of my fears…

It would be later that same week that I laid on the fainting couch in the living room, waiting. I had been waiting for hours… The second to last day of the week had always been a family day. Father had missed this day before but that was because of politics and he always arrived and apologized. But not today. Where he should have at least come and told me why he had missed our day, he had not shown at all. It was possible that he had not come because of a meeting or other political things but I had a hard time thinking that it was not my fault. Maybe he did not want to spend time with a monster.

Why did I like pain? Why had I cut myself, if I had not then I would not be in this situation. It was hard to keep the tears from running down my cheeks. It made me sniffle and soon I was having difficulties breathing once again. I had to calm myself down, so I watched the first snowfall of the year through the mage-glass window. Each individual flake floating to the ground before my eyes. I had not slept well the night before, still fitful in sleep that terrified me. But my body demanded rest and even as I fought it, sleep won. And I remained alone.

I opened my eyes to what looked like a theater that I had seen in a book once. Rows of seats going downward toward the stage. Candles were lit along the stage’s edging to give it light. As I moved down the aisle the audience started to appear in the seats just as I felt increased physical pressure on me. I watched as each person appeared in the chairs nearest to me even as I cradled my head. This pain was worse than when Drefan had pushed me back and I had hit my head on the wall. My attention was only half on my surroundings so it took me a moment to realize that each person was grey, with vacant eyes, and was unmoving in their chairs. I shuddered and kept moving trying to ignore the still bodies that were on both sides of me. The dark red curtain pulled back on either side to show Emperor Robert Royale as grey as the audience.

Did that mean Robert was dead? Did that also mean that the people in the audience were dead too? Was that what grey skin and vacant eyes meant? Would I look like that after I died? I shuddered and pulled my arms into myself running from the lifeless bodies that made up the audience to whatever this play was.

Finding back stairs I climbed them telling myself not to look down at the stage. I huddled on the stone stairs behind the stage, not willing to look over the left side and see what was now going on down below as music began to play. I stayed where I was for a time, closing my eyes and re-opening them in hopes that I would wake up. But with no success at that, I crawled up the stairs and onto the first plank of wood that stood high above the stage. I could see now two regal figures dancing, but their hair was disheveled and clothes were ripped. Spinning away from her partner, I could now see my mother’s face in stark relief. She too was grey and lifeless. A sob came to my throat and I started to cry upon seeing that my father was her partner. Like puppets on strings, their movements were unnatural as they jerked about.

I stood on the precarious plank of wood and looked for a way out of this place. No immediate exits were visible to me but I could make out a shadowy figure ahead. They too were watching what was happening on the stage.

As I came closer I could only see an outline of a person surrounded by darkness. Darkness shifted over the body, flowing downwards and climbing back up. There was a face amongst the darkness that I could barely see for a singular moment before it was washed away again. Its skin was ashen not unlike the bodies below us. Dark blue eyes were wide, staring downward.

“Drefan?” I called as that was the only person I knew well who had dark blue eyes.

Upon saying the name, the face reformed, skin turning black as night with orange eyes. I did not know who that could be except some sort of demon. I backed away even as tawny hands reached out to me. There! On the left hand’s ring finger was the royal signet of Royale! It was Drefan! Now I surged forward, grabbing onto one of those hands, and pulled with all my might. But I could not separate Drefan from the darkness even as I pulled and pulled, it was no good. That darkness wrapped around my own fingers and I let go, afraid that I would be pulled in.

“Drefan!” I called even as I backed away.

On the planks of wood that made the upper level that hung above the stage I was not watching where I was going. Unwilling to turn away from that blackness that was reaching out toward me. My foot slipped off and I came down onto the plank with one knee, my other leg falling off. I tried to catch the wood with my hands but my elbow came down on the plank, going numb from the pain and I fell screaming toward the stage below.

I woke with Nilec leaning over me, her hand on my knee. I took in gulping breaths that did not give me the oxygen I needed. Feeling that vice around my lungs pressing down on them I coughed, raising the cloth to my lips that I always held at hand. My step-sister stood, taking her hand off my knee.

“You…you saw something, didn’t you?” Nilec’s hands would cover her lips, eyes wide.

“I did not mean to, oh, Nathanael. What did you see?”

I shook my head, lips quivering from what I had seen. I did not want to say any of it out loud.

Nilec’s hands squeeze in fists as she stands by my side before finally drawing me to her into an embrace.

“I’m sorry, I honestly did not mean for you to see anything.”

Nodding, I burrowed into her embrace, staying quiet for a time, my heart beating wildly from how that dream had ended.

After a time I opened my eyes and looked up into her pine green eyes, “They were all dead, weren’t they? Grey and with eyes that didn’t move or look at you.” I had to know.

“Aye, little brother, they were dead.”

My breath caught in my throat, swallowing as my eyes grew wet. I did not want to cry again, as I tried to control my emotions like Father wanted me to do. Nilec rubbed my back while I fought against my tears.

“So they all die? Mother? Father? Thom?”

I pulled back to look up at my sister, at the seer, wanting answers.

Nilec closes her eyes with a sigh, “Aye, all of them.”

I hiccupped a sob, my hands grasping at her sweatered shoulders, “Why?! Why are they going to die?”

My sister’s hands cradled my bare skull and her eyes once they opened were fogged. I watched distressed and yet mesmerized. When she next spoke, Nilec relayed to me, prophecy.

"Lose what matters most to your heart, nearly lose the soul, and be repaired by one you once knew. Broken and battered you shall love again, and battle a battle no one else can fight. Take back the throne, love, and have a son. You shall lose all once more, two days after your twenty-first birthday. You shall die."

I stared at my sister, her hands falling away to her lap. Her eyes slowly unfogged, coming back dulled green. There was silence then as I took in what she had said to me, as I tried to come to terms with what was going to happen to me. I would live to 21...but so much pain!

“The gods are often cruel little brother.”

What right had I to fight this? I was of Reinn’s line, blessed, but I was cursed too! I was dark; a monster like Drefan and I knew if things became worse I would lose everything just like Nilec said I would. She was never wrong, Wan’an’iena gave her those visions, and...At least, I lived till 21. I had not believed I would, I kept being told I would die before I was 12…

So I stood, shaking my head vigorously, walking to my bedroom. There was always a small candle lit in the window, flickering in the breeze. I knelt there, head against the floorboards and I prayed.

I prayed for forgiveness.

I prayed for strength.

And I wished, and I hoped…and I prayed...

That I could learn not to be a monster anymore...