Unfortunately, it seemed that all the tiny men had quickly dispersed after the quick demise of their first two comrades and I was unable to locate any more of them around the house no matter how hard I looked.

I went around the block on a hunt for these mini folks. I even went back to the tattoo parlour that was responsible for the whole thing, but the door was firmly locked and no amount of knocking, yelling, or begging yielded any results, save for weird glances from passers-by. At the end of the day I was starting to feel like I was going crazy, and that it had all been a hallucination.

That evening as I sat wallowing in misery and ignoring text messages of those who had just remembered my birthday a day late, wondering what to do with myself now that I have this inexplicable and unquenchable thirst for tiny, strangely-clad men, my phone suddenly let out a strange -- ding --.

Annoyed that it had somehow defaulted back to this standard alert tone, I picked it up. It was a text message, but it didn't come through the text app. It just floated on the screen like a strange glitch.

You just had to do it, didn't you? Now they're coming to kill you tonight.

I stared at it and texted back.

WHAAAAT?

They're saying you're a 'Taker' Dungeon, Ben. Adventurers don't tolerate those. I should have warned you earlier, but I didn't think you'd get those initial kills that fast. I guess it's too late now.

Wait! What do I do now?

Nothing.

Help???

Nothing.

At that point, of course, I started to panic. Who's coming to kill me? What can I do? What did this person mean that I'm a 'Taker' Dungeon? And how do I get more of those tasty little guys without dying?

While I was distracted with these thoughts something had slipped into the dark cave in my chest.

-- An Adventurer (Terendrian - Level 198 High Mage) has entered! --

I didn't know what it meant, only that I was in deep, deep trouble.

Firmly remembering late-game, high-level High Mages from my gaming youth as one of the most mix/maxed, munchkiny classes in Lilliputia I decide that diplomacy might be the best option...

“Hello?! Mr High Mage Terendrian Sir? I feel like there's been some kind of mistake!”

All I can hear is a disapproving tut, echoing through the cavern of my dungeon.

“Hello?” I try again, not entirely surely why I was quite so afraid of someone I was sure was smaller than my pinky, but the deep lizard part of my brain was telling me to run away despite the fact the threat was literally inside me. I think headless chickens get a bad wrap sometimes.

“Did you hear the thing I said? About the misunderstanding?”

The entrance portal slammed open, more fucking splinters catching themselves into my actual skin

-- Terendrian - Level 198 High Mage has left the dungeon! -- Minions Defeated 0 Gold Gained 0 Experience Gained 0

A blue floating orb of energy flew up towards my face!

Inside the sphere I could see what appear to be a small Victorian gentleman in a top hat and tails, floating of his own accord and with a mild expression of irritation.

“I'll say there's been a bloody misunderstanding dear fellow! Where the traps? The treasure? The monsters? The labyrinth of glories and wonders?! What kind of dungeon are you?!”

“A new one, I guess?” I replied in the hope that magical obliteration would not soon follow. I wonder how magic actually works, maybe obliteration isn't a thing

“Oh it's definitely a thing dear chap!”

As is mindreading I guess?

“Quite, but the thing is you aren't really worth the effort that the Duke made you out to be. No one's told you the rules and you don't even know how to use your Dungeon Systems yet!”

"My Dungeon Systems?" (Ok so screw me, I prefer the sound of my actual voice over some sort of weird telepathy monologue thing)

"Yes dear chap, Dungeon Systems. I can't even see a trace of them in your mind. You've clearly progressed passed Level 1 if you have Spike Traps and a Throne Room, even if they are exceptionally basic, but I just can't figure out how...."

My phone chose that moment to start buzzing and a tinny version of the song "I Will Survive" started erupting from it. I pulled it out to look at it, even though I could see Terendrian's diminutive features frown at my breach of etiquette. Pictures of a scantily clad Britt Ekland started flashing in sequence across the screen. I wasn't sure exactly what was happening, but I had a serious crush ever since I'd seen the original Wickerman film as a small child. Sure she was 75 now, but in her prime... I mean damn. My old adolescent fantasies flared up in my mind.

"Do you mind?! It's not just you in here, this is most unseemly! And why on the Gods' Seven Earths would you do that with a spatula?! It's a cooking utensil for goodness sake!"

I hadn't really been thinking about the fact that Terendrian was currently reading my mind. Those thoughts weren't really the kind you shared with people.

"I'd say. Go and cool down there's a good old chap. I'm going to get a fresh of breath air. I mean... No... Just... Why a Cucumber?... Just give me 5 minutes" He flew off in the direction of bath room.

A new text message appear on my screen with a -- ding --.

You heard the man, we have 5 minutes.

I heard the sound of retching from the bathroom. All powerful mage he may be, but Terendrian had a weak stomach for my level of sexual deviancy.

Wait, you can see me?

You don't remember a thing do you? I'm almost hurt. Look, there's no time. The High Mage can't know that you're only a Portal Guardian Boss if you're going to properly protect me. He has to think you're a Dungeon rather than a Minion if this is going to work. Dear god this is a lot to text /poopface emoji/

What the hells is going on?

Get you're dancing shoes on and we can meet in the club tonight to talk about it. In the mean time dear Minion, that Ekland trick is only going to work once so we're going to have to level up your mental defences using that experience we gained from the noobs. This may hurt a bit.

And at that moment a million knife jabs through my skull in a aura of light and pain. Before it got any more intense I saw one more message pop up on the screen.

I love you Ben, I'm very glad you've survived so far.

THEN the pain got more intense and I blacked out.