The crack of lightning, rain pouring down just outside, and how her mother gazed at Jess, both of them having no idea what to say. Her mother, once a ravishing beauty renowned through the kingdom, a prize her father had brought home from campaign two decades ago that the king himself had once coveted, for all that none challenged the fiction that she too was noble-born, and a stunning beauty still, having run off with the man she would marry at an age when most girls were still in the care of their parents. But the Velheim Wars had been a time of hardship and horror, where those caught in the middle had to grow up fast, or not at all.

Did noble Velheim blood flow through Jessica's veins? Was her mother a captured pawn on the board her father had fallen in love with, ruthless captor eventually becoming devoted husband? Jess neither knew nor cared, loving her mother fiercely, however humble or exotic her origins, and knowing she could never be what her mother so desperately wanted her to be.

Lost in the throes of a berserker's fury, channeling the will of the ancient forest all about her, she had cut down so many soldiers during her very first mission, her own mother having seen all too horribly well to what degree Jessica had mastered the killing arts.

As savage and wild as any Squire of War could hope to be.

“Now you know.”

The words just hung in the air, her mother's sky blue eyes, so like Jess's own, gazed sadly at her, cornsilk hair bundled in an elegant bun for the rain, so like her daughters, Jess's locks clean and free of dye once more.

So much to say, and hardly the words to say it. Her mother understood so much, how close she had come to direst folly politically, and in striving to vindicate herself in the eyes of the most powerful of lords, had embraced the most perilous of gambits.

"You tried too hard, going for Putrice. Eloquin would never move against the mothers of his Squires. Dipping your toes into Putrice's schemes has left neither trace nor letter he himself hasn't burned before our eyes. As vital as the information is, key facts alone were transcribed, and no Squire's clan will pay for the sins of their sires.”

Agda's gaze did not waver. “And so many letters did I see in Eloquin's possession as he spoke in softest confidence with a man even I can tell was one of the players on the board you took. Tools, no doubt, to assure your general plenty of allies in Court, should he need them in the months to come.”

Jess swallowed. "I pitied Putrice, gazing at me so desperately. But there was no way I was going to let her fork-tongued words damn a half dozen of my brothers' and sisters' clans in any trial. Eloquin understood instantly. A taunt she took, and my blade for her folly. And the dying screams of every man and woman I killed that night give me nightmares still."

Her mother flashed the most jaded of smiles. “Our name is clear of tarnish, our foes dead at your feet, and your battle-brothers tied to you tighter than ever, by bonds of loyalty and debts of honor. And I always knew, Jessica de Calenbry, that you were far smarter than the naive girl you so enjoy pretending to be.”

Jess swallowed and bobbed her head.

Her mother's fingers gently stroked her cheek. “I understand you had favored one of the men... taken down. I am sorry, Jessica. I truly am.”

Jess would not say that her mother assaulting Putrice was what catalyzed gravest folly. Would not throw an iota of guilt upon a woman desperate to vindicate her clan, a woman who did love Jess fiercely, in her own way.

Jess bit back bitter tears and only nodded.

“Are you going to court him?”

Jess blinked at that. “Who?”

Her mother's gaze hardened. "The man who has made his interest in you blindingly clear, since you certainly can't court the girl, sweet as pillow friends may be."

Jess's heart started to pound. She suddenly wanted to be anywhere, save pinned by her mother's too knowing eyes.

“I hate Mord. You know that. I can't control what he does or says. I avoided the revels just to avoid him."

Her mother's gaze did not waver. Jess blushed and looked away. "Strange how the boy you claim to hate has been so attentive to you and your lover both, a proper gentlemen from what saw."

Jess flushed and looked away, furious with an ever scheming Mord. "I was wondering why he was suddenly being so bloody civil, and Rowan was happy to have him play fetch boy for all the food and drink we could want from the revels." Jess sighed and shook her head. "Mord's no fool. If you saw how he truly was, how hotblooded he was in the baths..."

Her mother raised one eyebrow, pinning Jess with her stare once more. "How was he in the baths, Jessica?"

Jess flushed and swallowed, at a loss for words. “It's complicated. Extremely... complicated.”

“Because you despise him.”

“Exactly.”

"For all that he was ignoring the revels entirely, focused solely on attending you and your pillow friend, and I note you invited no other boys to your quarters, thank the gods, and as beautiful a girl as Rowan assuredly is, you and I both know it is a dalliance between friends. It is nothing more, it can be nothing more, which is why such affairs raise little more than stuffy eyebrows. Nothing can come of it, good or ill."

Jess swallowed, heart hammering so loudly her ears roared with the sound of it, lodged in place by her mother's stare, unable to move a muscle. "You mean offspring. Marriages, alliances... you seek to trap me in that still."

Agda sighed. “Thank you for my life, daughter. I love you more than you will ever know. And I care naught for a Squire's revels, but I will say nonetheless, have a care. Poppy infused wine is good for pain and the horrors of war, but for no more days than fingers upon your hand before it becomes a trap, and the greatest horror of all."

A gentle kiss to a speechless Jess's cheek. "We will pretend I know nothing of my blooded daughter's dark baptism, the wretched things I would butcher Eloquin for, had I lost you to that madness. Just as we will pretend I had never risked folly to our clan, conspiring with that harlot who schemed so boldly and well. But I will say this. Don't bed any boy you don't seek to marry, for even if you don't intend to claim them, it is a safe bet that they certainly intend to claim you."

Piercing blue eyes locked upon Jess once more. "Make sure, Jess. The Plaga clan is powerful, and would make a fantastic ally in games you only now begin to grasp. If he presses suit..."

Jess swallowed, furiously shaking his head. “It wasn't like that, Mother. Mord was being so attentive because he knew you would be watching. Always watching. He cares nothing for me, save to best me in another ring, and Rowan is too diplomatic to castigate someone as wild and unstable as he. So when he knocked, she took his gifts with jokes traded and warm smiles, because she's afraid he'll hold a madman's grudge otherwise, and as deadly as he is, he's a damned useful man to have at your back in a fight. When next Eloquin cries havoc, I know Mord will blacken his dagger right alongside the rest of us, and only a fool turns away a useful blade just because she doesn't like the color of the hilt." Jess swallowed her suddenly dry throat, wondering if her mother could possibly understand.

Her mother pinned Jess with sky blue eyes that missed nothing. "Make sure, Jess. If he continues to pursue you and forsake the mad revelry that would be his for the taking, that shows a dedication, a zeal, not to be underestimated."

And saying not a word further, her mother left the central keep, making her careful way to the carriage even now awaiting her, silken umbrella carefully folded away.

Jess sighed, reaching her hand up to stroke her lifelong ally, quietly observing the world as he so often did from his favorite perch. “Ye gods, Twilight, how much will I have to drink to forget that conversation?”

Her familiar chuckled softly, butting her cheek with his head. "Quite a bit, beloved mistress. Though I believe there are a few choice herbs from the rooftop garden that will aid us in our quest of turning this entire day into the sweetest of dreams. Exactly what our dear Lady Vaila has concocted to wash away the memories of so very many Velheim scions even now attending the revels, so that all recollection of that rather bloody morning is lost in a haze of decadent fog, as our beloved Headmaster Echobart would so dearly appreciate not having to kill twenty of his guests.”

Jess grimaced and nodded, her mind suddenly ringing with the silent screams of all the men she had killed, memories she had thought safely sealed between too much wine, brandy, and the sweet kisses of a girl she knew she was falling for. She gazed down at her trembling fist, knuckles pale white, so hard did she grip the hilt of her blade. Her soft voice free was of all bonhomie. "Would you think less of me, oldest friend, if I wanted to forget every bit as desperately as those poor fools we faced?"

Twilight slowly shook his head. "Not at all, beloved. Not at all. The burden you bear is both bitter and heavy, and none know better than Rulia and I the tears you shed, no matter how diligently you try to drown it away with the finest Calenbry red." A soft paw patted her cheek. "Come, Jess. To the garden we go. I think Lady Vaila is expecting you."

And when a smiling Rulia approached with flagon in hand, one look at Jessica's expression and bonhomie instantly transformed to tender concern. Wordlessly, she squeezed Jess tight. "It hits heavy, the first time we are blooded, does it not? You think you are strong, fierce, on top of the world, and when you least expect it, then it hits you. Hard."

Jess felt the sting of unshed tears. "I have to go to the garden, Rulia. There is something I need to do."

Rulia dipped her head, wordlessly leading Jess through the maze of stone corridors leading at last to the staircase heading to the revered rooftop garden, Jess realizing once more for the first time how few people were even in that corridor, and how no one paid the ancient stone stairway any mind. And when was the last time she had seen anyone else up there save Lady Vaila, little Louise, and herself?

Jess shook her head, frowning at Rulia's pained gaze. "Rulia, what's wrong?"

Rulia only smiled, kissing Jess's cheek before stepping back. "I hope you won't forget me, at least, when you do what you must." And without another word she turned around and walked back down the corridor.

"What was that about?" A puzzled Jess asked her familiar.

Twilight only smiled. "For all that some burdens have become intolerable, other burdens weigh you down not at all. Come, my Jess. Rulia will be fine. The rooftop garden awaits."

Jess smiled in the rain, the flood of water somehow mellowing into a drizzle where she stood, for all that sheets of water near flooded the grounds around the central keep. She took a deep whiff of roses, gardenias and a myriad wondrous scents that made up what was perhaps the most revered garden in all of Erovering, for all that hardly anyone save Lady Vaila and Jess bothered tending to it, the head herbalist at that moment gazing with gentle sympathy into Jess's eyes.

But that was okay, Jess thought, the rain washed away all traces of her tears.

Wordlessly, the garden's guardian raised a small wooden flask filled with tea the color of a woodland glade.

Jess forced herself to say it. "I want to forget. I want to forget the face of the boy whose neck I snapped, after declaring he could love me. I want to forget Lady Putrice's desperate pleas the moment before I cut her down. I want to forget the screams and sobs of all the men I killed these last few bloody days," Jess sobbed. "Please, Vaila, please tell me you can wash these horrors away!"

So different from the fierce warrior who had struck down all her foes with ruthless zeal, the Squire crumpling to the rain soaked grown was naught but a sobbing girl of eighteen summers who had been forced to withstand horrors very few could endure free of bitter wounds, no matter how skilled they were with a blade.

"Drink, dearest Jess. Drink and forget your dark duties as being anything more than the most vivid of dreams." A diminutive hand squeezed Jess's shoulder with surprising strength. "Drink and rest. There is no shame in it, Jess, no shame in it at all."

Nodding, Jess forced the bitter brew down, even as Vailia herself led Jess back down the stairway to her proper quarters close by.

"I'm afraid Eloquin will think less of me," Jess whispered even as Vaila stripped soaking wet attire from her shivering frame, helping Jess into a clean white shift and gently tucking her into a freshly made bed.

Vaila gave a soft shake of her head. "No, my Jess. My mate has taken the measure of all his Squires. He knows your strengths, he knows your weaknesses. Some are built for the most savage and brutal of conflicts, with minds unfazed by any save the most vile of horrors." She stroked Jess's brow. "Others are gentle souls, noble souls, filled with love and laughter. And though they may have the steel, the inner fire to do what needs be done, it is not without cost. For Squires such as yourself, Jess, being able to replace visceral horror with a dreamer's distance is the only way we can make up for the burdens you are forced to endure."

Jess squeezed her eyes shut, smile filled with rue. "And with my gift, there is no question of whether or not I will be put in play. It is only a matter of when, and how."

"Precisely. And for that reason as much as any other, Eloquin will always be grateful that you choose to stand by his side. That you will let no child of Highrock fall to spear or arrow that your gift alone could ward. For such fierce love and loyalty, giving you the grace of forgetfulness is the least we can do."

Twilight nodded, splaying upon her chest, rubbing her chin with his brow. "She is right, my queen. Yours is a noble heart. You fear no foe and would face the very legions of Hell, I'm sure, to save your friends. But the weight of so many deaths, people that in another time or place you could have called brother, lover, or friend in these ugly games of politics is more than your heart is equipped to bear. Rest free of all guilt or burden, Jess. Awaken as the eccentric, absurd, wonderful dreamer you were always meant to be."

"Until the next time the king cries havoc..." Jess whispered.

"... and releases his hounds of war," Twilight finished, gently stroking a now sleeping Jess's brow even as Lady Vaila whispered a soft druidic prayer, bowing before the champion of her grove before softly closing the door behind her.