Lord, I never drew first;

But I drew first blood.

I'm a devil's son.

- Jon Bon Jovi “Blaze of Glory”

HOUSE DIVIDED

//Announcer 1 - Oh what a close victory! The total newbie guild: Training Wheels totally wrecking the veterans from Gun Bunnies

Announcer 2 - If it wasn’t for the last minute save by Ladybug, the Gun Bunnies would have been have had to change their name to the Dead Rabbits!

Announcer 1 - Right you are Ken, their leadership turned the entire team into a…Receding hare line!

(Both announcers chuckle)

Announcer 2 - Up next is a real fight between….//

*click*

“I can’t believe we nearly wiped to that pack of newbies! You failed to listen to my orders!” bellowed the large black female in the flower print dress.

“It was your leadership that nearly got us killed, Bitch!” snapped back the tiny Vietnamese girl dressed in a plaid skirt, pigtails and white thigh-high stockings and dragging her .50 caliber rifle behind her.

Her battle avatar, a 2-foot tall male ladybug, was by her feet snarling at the black female in the flower print dress. She stared down at the 5-foot tall Asian girl and narrowed her eyes as if looking at a bug that just scuttled into her kitchen.

“The name’s Queen Bitch! And you need to take your little 5 dolla suckie suckie hooker ass and sit down before I kung-pow the Asian right outta you!” Queen Bitch said hissing back.

“You (Intelligible Vietnamese) take your (more Vietnamese insults) Cross-Dressing black (Vietnamese) and shove it right up your (Vietnamese) then sit back on it and (something about a cucumber and dog)!” Ladybug yelled back.

Before Queen Bitch could run over to Ladybug she was stopped by her fellow Gun Bunnies, Zee and Hitmann straining to hold her back. Despite her small size Ladybug was being three of her guild mates were struggling to keep her at bay. Before either of them could break the grips of the people trying to prevent the fight, a medium build male entered the main guild room. The walking contradiction of terms, low tech redneck with high tech rail gun and various high-tech gadgets, walked in with a smile on his face which quickly turned to confusion because of the mayhem in the room.

After he adjusted his “Pork Eating Crusader” ball cap, he yelled in his military command voice “AT EASE!”, and quickly stopped the breakout between Queen Bitch and Ladybug; even the battle avatars stopped their bickering.

Queen Bitch’s avatar, a young 10-year-old German girl named Heidi, picked up a handful of cashews off that table and threw them at Ladybug’s ladybug. Before ladybug could counter attack with a soda can, the redneck’s avatar, a 7-foot walking castle tower with glowing yellow eye stamped his massive foot, shaking everyone and everything in the room. The thunderous shockwave shook the antler light fixtures, replica trophies, guild charter and everything living creature in the room.

“He said QUIET!” shouted the upset Rook chess piece.

Everyone in the room slowly back away from each other. The pissed off Rook and even angrier redneck carefully staring down anyone who looked like they wanted to start fight back up.

“Now…what happened?” he asked, pointing towards Queen Bitch.

“Well Bones, I’ll tell you like this little Asian street hooker…” she started to say.

Bones interrupted, “without the insults!”

She began to weave her tail of how during the fight, which they won Queen Bitch pointed out several times, of how her leadership was usurped by Ladybug’s lack of discipline and willingness to complain about every order given. Queen also pointed out how Ladybug always manages to survive every battle by using her guild mates as human shields.

Next, Ladybug retold her account of events, out how it was by sheer luck and not Queen Bitch’s battle tactics, that their guild as managed to win so many 5 on 5 battles. She was quick to point out, her refusal to follow orders allowed her to live through an obvious trap set out in their last battle against the newbie guild “Training Wheels”. The trap, which took out 2 of the 5 fighters, also injured 1 other. When Queen tried to rally the survivors, she ran them right into another Training Wheel trap, and if it wasn’t for Ladybug’s hit-and-run strategy the team would have lost the entire match.

The teenaged Japanese girl, dressed up in a blue Police Department uniform with the name tag Dragonfly, said “The battle for Gilligan’s Island was a slaughter, we got owned by that newbie guild.”

The rest of the team nodded in agreement. Queen Bitch and Ladybug continued to glare at each other. Bones looked at the two warring members, he needed to do something or this rift would split the guild apart.

“Ok, we can only have one leader, but if that leader is ineffective, we need to remove the person for sake of unity. We didn’t become the top ranked guild in Houston because of luck (glaring at Ladybug) and we didn’t all get along by calling each other names (glaring at Queen Bitch). I’m here to have fun, and we can’t do that if we are at each other’s throats!” Bones said.

The females sitting at the top of the stairs, clad in a shiny latex body suit, was twirling a small ray gun around her well manicured finger.

“Oh mah gawd! Like why cant we all get along, like you 2 were BFF’s o_o. so like, ummmmm why don’t you 2 kiss and make up b/c that would like cool, rite? ZOMG!!1! I like have this totally cool idea :), how ‘bout a slumber party, but w/ no boyz! j/k,” she said.

The room started blankly at Barbarella, the only one to break the silence was Dragonfly who whispered to Ladybug “How does she manage to talk in text like that?”

Ladybug just shrugged her shoulders, still memorized by Barbarella.

“Barbarella is right, in her own sort of odd way, you two started the guild together, and the way you both are acting will tear it apart together,” said Bones.

“May I pose a perspicacious interrogative statement?” Barbarella’s battle avatar, an old white-haired man in a lab coat and tie, asked. “Would an elucidation to this present kerfuffle of dominance be tempered with a competition for a zenith stance for guild hegemony?”

“He’s even harder to understand then Barbarella,” whispered Dragonfly to Ladybug.

Ladybug scratched her head in confusion. The others looked just as confused.

“Can someone translate what Einstein just said?” asked Queen Bitch.

“Like he said why don’t you 2 duel for control of da guild? O_o, ” replied Barbarella.

Queen Bitch, carefully considered what Barbarella suggested as she adjusted her bra reading herself for the inevitable fight. Ladybug toyed with the safety mechanism on her weapon in response.

“Are there any objections?” asked Bones. Ladybug pulled out a set of leather gloves, put them on, and started to adjust the tension of the straps. Queen Bitch adjusting her dress, her coal black eyes locked on to Ladybug. The audience was hushed as the future of the guild would soon be decided in the next match.