I tiptoed to my room as fast as possible - head aching, hands sweating. I felt… like I was floating. My heart had been left behind.

Well, not really - it came back to hit me once I threw myself onto the bed.

I think I spent a whole 10 minutes just screaming into my pillow.

- “What the hell am I doing? What the HELL am I doing?” – Calm down, calm down. – “No but like what the hell. Gods I really just- I really just bluffed my way out of that oh lord.”

A knock at the door.

- “How the hell am I going to make them use their money? ¿¿¿Ni siquiera puedo hablar con gente sin morirme y la wea??? Like what the fuck??? I probably got him in trouble?? What if the treasurer gets killed? It’s gonna be my fault!!!!”

Another knock.

- “Von? Adeil…Adelai…Ad- The guard told me you were back already. Can I come in?”

- “Like hell you can-! AH! I mean! Uh- Sure, give me a, uh- a sec!”

- “…A sec?”

After fixing up my hair and stuff, I went to open the door. There he was - Arsamira, in his fancy outfit, smiling at me.

- “What do you want? Sorry- Good evening.”

- “…You sure are nervous. Was the walk around Leva dangerous? Are you okay? Ad- Ael- The guard told me you were with that guy, your retainer. Did he do anything to you?”

- “I’m fine, I’m fine. That went well. I was just… talking stuff…with the treasurer, just now…”

- “Sheqipi? What were you doing talking with him? You shouldn’t hang out with people on the Duke’s side.”

- “…So, the Duke... He’s the one-… I mean, uh… What’s up with the Duke?”

- “Let’s sit down first? Von, you need to calm down a little. What did you talk about with Sheqipi?”

- “Sorry, sorry. I should have talked about this with you first. Since we are in this together and all…”

His eyes lit up. His ever-present smile turned into a genuinely sweet smirk.

- “Yes! Exactly! We are partners! So, what was it, Von? What happened?”

- “Remember the report I made? About the posporita?”

- “Yeah, the Captain discussed it with me.”

- “I was trying to map out the amount of money we would need for that. It eats at least half of our funds. I don’t think the Captain is thinking that through, so-”

- “He is, but… He has to act according to what he has. We don’t direct much funding to our troops, not even in war times.”

- “Right... And the princess told me about the foreign market.”

- “I… don’t like where this is going.”

- “One thing brings another… I asked for- well. I wanted to know how the nobles got so rich. I know it was something fishy. It- It definitely is.”

- “That is pretty straight-forward of you.”

- “I know they are hiding their fortunes while we are struggling to make ends meet for the army.”

- “…And what do you plan to do with that information?”

- “The princess talked with the leader of the rebellion the other day.”

- “Hold it right there Von. No, no nonononono. Ayo. No. Just- no. They tried to kidnap you, right? That’s not-”

- “The leader cannot control everyone. But they do pay for their actions. I won’t blame him for what a few followers did… And, that blame can be used to our advantage. I’m sure that if the people knew that the reason the nobles don’t want to go to war is not to protect the people, but to protect their fortunes, they would rise up.”

- “This is- is dangerous! It’s too risky! You could be targeted by the nobles- What were you thinking? Why did you even-”

- “Well… I have your backup, don’t I? I’d like to think I can trust in your support.”

- “You should have told me about this earlier!”

- “If I did you would have stopped me-”

- “Of course I would have!”

- “But it’s true, right? That I have your support?”

- “You- I- Agh.”

- “Are you mad? That I’m using you, now? I’m just trying to do my job here.”

- “Shut up…! Well… Good work, I guess. It’s true that they are hiding money. It’s not nur, so the crown can’t make direct use of it without people suspecting something.”

- “Right-... Ah. I will need access to the market, too. I need to see what other options we have. The Princess offered to do it for me, but I’d rather make the deals myself.”

- “You are getting too far ahead of yourself again.”

- “I am - that’s why I need you.”

- “I’ll… I’ll help you. I don’t want you getting hurt or something again.”

- “Thank you, Your Majesty.”

- “Quit that. And why did you actually go talk to Sheqipi? He could be telling the Duke right now.”

- “I trust him. If he weren’t trustworthy, the princess wouldn’t have insisted as such.”

- “You give my sister too much credit. She’s still 16 moons old, Von. Remember what I told you, stop getting in trouble.”

- “Then why are you smiling so much, Arsa?”

- “…It feels like the start of something between us. That’s all.”

- “Something between you and me? It’s just a simple partnership.”

- “Are you really going to push your luck this much, Von? If I wanted, I could make you mine.”

- “Sorry, not my type.”

- “So what is it - your type?”

- “Like I’d tell you, dumbass. And? Why did you come here?”

- “Ah, why did I- Right! You probably don’t know, but my birthday is coming soon.”

I totally did know; he had been talking about it the whole week.

- “And?”

- “One of my presents arrived this morning. I wanted you to be the first one to see it.”

We walked together to his room, then. I had never been to Arsamira’s room before, but I had a pretty accurate idea of how it looked. The fancy, elegant, delicate ambience given a homely touch – a feeling of caring about appearances, but not letting it take away the fun. The amount of memorabilia in Arsamira’s suite was equal to a grandma’s. It was cute in its own way.

It was divided into three rooms, actually. A little study, the first room you enter; neatly placed books next to his favorite swords, a few paintings of scenery and myths, and a few scarves on the coat hanger. The second room was his bedroom - the bed facing at the door, obscured, laid in front of a massive window. It felt grandiose. The shadows and gleams from the translucent curtains danced with the wind as Arsamira opened the window. Behind it was a plant-covered terrace, its white floor turned yellow by the falling sun.

The other room was, well, the bathroom.

We sat on a snuggly couch in front of a box. A box with a sort of cone atop it - one that looked like a flower vase. Arsamira lifted its covert – there was space to put a square disk. It took me an extra minute to notice that this flower-vase-topped-box was just a strangely-shaped vitrola. The Prince smiled at me, shining brighter than the sunset.

- “It came from the West Continent. Imagine, listening to music in your room, without needing an actual musician! Just these little posketes!”

(Note: Posketes that, for the sake of my own memory, I’ll translate as disks.)

- “…Oh. That’s- Ah... I…” – missed music so much. I tried to not think about it, but it was lonesome. For someone who used to listen to music 24/7, it all felt empty. Noises were too much; silence was too much. – “I haven’t listened to music in a while…”

- “Let me wind this then!” – The system seemed to be the same as back home, a little… dial? Of sorts. It looked more like a screw. Then, a click announced that the disk was secured to the center. Said little black disk started spinning around a needle on its base. Arsamira put the cover back on - the flower-vase square top.

A strange melody started playing. A grainy tone and bad quality. It was like the early morning in sepia, from memories gone. Daisies and dandelions brushed by the breeze, as the yellow-tinted sky was covered by clouds. Like a hop around the riverbend. Like stepping on stones you’ve never seen before.

It broke - the melody. Instruments that weren’t quite familiar, yet sounded like home. The winds and the strings, like crying rainfall, covered the sepia sky in grey and brown. I closed my eyes. The plaid blanket for a left-away picnic, the splashing of a frog in the pond. Giant trees in the distance, emptiness in the hills. A beast of memories lurked in the dark of the storm. The feeling of life that wasn’t quite life, full of hope and broken dreams.

Time went by just like the sound, and it ended with the droplets of a little drum, saying goodbye to what it was. My heart flew away in pain.

Oh, god, how much had I missed music.

(Spare me from the weight of what I tried to ignore.)

I started sobbing in silence, hiding my face from the sun. The sun stared at me, gently brushing against my back.

- “It’s… Are you okay, Von?”

- “Y-Yes… Yes I’m okay. I’m… I’m okay.”

As if he understood, Arsamira held me in his arms with care. How did music in this world sound? I had never thought about it. It was haunting – it seemed so human, but it wasn’t human enough. It could never be human, not in the way I was human. Not in the way I experienced humanity.

What was humanity?

I looked at Arsamira.

- “Arsa… Do you think I’m human?”

- “W-What?”

- “Do you think I’m human… of the Versivae, a versiva the same as you?”

- “I-I don’t think you are a versiva. You aren’t from this world… It is a different thing, a human, isn’t it?”

- “Right…? Versiva, human, niwe, we live life differently, even if we are pretty much the same… Is that why this music sounds like it does?”

- “How does it sound?”

- “Like it’s not of humans. It feels like music of the Versivae. It feels like you, like your world and your people. It’s so close - so close to home. But it will never be home.”

- “…Do you miss your home, Von?”

- “I do, of course I do. I miss our music, our food, our land. I never truly felt at home anywhere, but… This is a violent… dissociation. I…really… don’t belong here. And that, ah, kind of hurts…”

- “It’s okay…. it’s okay.” – He whispered to me, brushing my hair. – “It will be fine.”

I wanted to answer. I wanted to be bitter about it, to blame him or something. Words didn’t come out, just broken cries. Formless exhalations. Like begging in silence, hoping you won’t be heard.

I laid on his shoulder, dry throat, stiff jaw, and a throbbing headache. I wasn’t able to cry.

To not feel human because I felt too human. What a sick twist the gods lay upon me.

We shared the evening until the sun went down. For once, in peace. Something inside me told me to be wary. To go away.

But I felt so lonely.

He kept me close, warm as the setting sun. It burned.

Then night would come, cold and dark. No light, no warmth next to me.

But isn’t it hard to stay away – when you need embrace so badly?

It had been a hard day.

It was okay to rest this once.

Time started again, as we stepped out of the room. Dinner, as always. Night, as always. Such is the working of time.

I stared at the far away sky until my eyes gave way. Embraced by the darkness of a single candle, its fire gone, I held myself. There was a gleam of hope, as if, if I grasped hard enough, the warmth would stay.

They were dreams filled with the melody we heard together. It colored them with life long gone, a feeling of alienated love. The sansa curled in my arms, calm – the night was still, silent. The world was asleep, heartbeat in the distance.

Those were drums, echoing in the valley.