"Ow" I said, standing and rubbing my backside.

If I'm a golem, how is it that I feel pain? I thought to myself . Bud decided it was a good time to lick my face. Ugh.

[Response: Your pain receptors are set up to simulate actual situations where you would have felt pain if you were organic. It is to facilitate your adaptation to this new form. In addition, it can communicate actual damage in the most efficient way. It also assists with proprioception.]

"Oh, so you're saying I feel pain, for my own good?" I said out loud to Interface as I looked over at the book lying on my bed.

[Response: Affirmative]

"Pain is part of life, Aegis. Without pain, pleasure would be empty and without meaning." The odd book said.

"What? What are you? Are you a book? A monster? What?" I asked tentatively. I tensed, ready to bolt out the door.

The eye turned to look directly at me. It was very eerie.

"I am Archive. What you see before you is a magical construct by the wizard Kendranen Mir. I represent the access point to the sum total of all the magical information your creator accumulated in Castle Kendranen before he ... disappeared. " The book had a deep voice - like a blues club singer or something.

"So, you're like a ... laptop? Or an iPad for magic huh?" I asked as I sat back down on the bed. I touched the surface of the book tentatively.

The one eye blinked.

"I have no reference for the words that you are saying. I do not rest on the top of laps. Nor do I have feet to pad."

I laughed.

"If you're a magical book, do you know about my Interface?" I asked.

"If you are referring to the logic construct within you that controls your body, I am aware of it." It replied dryly.

I was reminded of a history professor I had in high school. A Mr. Patterson. He was always lecturing us about life, but he was never patronizing. He was smarter than most of us, and he knew it. He just didn't rub it in our faces. He also had a pocket protector. A nice nerd...

I sighed and ran my hand across my forehead. It 'felt' real. I was beginning to wonder if anything I've ever felt was real, however.

"So, Archive, did Bright send you?" I was still wondering about the cat symbol on the package.

"No". It replied. And then completely did not elaborate.

Well then.

"So, ah, Archive. Are you a person somewhere, talking through this book? Or are you ... just a magical book" I wiggled my fingers at the "magical" part for emphasis.

The book blinked it's one big eye, slowly, like a frog. "As I said. I'm a magical construct. My physical manifestation on this plane of existence is what you see before you."

"This plane? You mean there are others?" I asked without thinking.

"Of course." The book lock popped open and the book unfolded, the pages spinning rapidly. Then they stopped. Written in cursive handwriting I could barely make out, the words "Other Planes"′ appeared. Below it were four squares full of swirling rainbow colors. In a moment each one resolved to a different scene.

One showed a ship on a stormy ocean. It was so incredibly detailed, and it moved! The ship was being tossed about by huge gray stormy waves, and lightning flashed. In the box to the right of it was a red-sunned desert. As I squinted I could see the waves of heat coming off the sand, like a mirage. Below that was an icy mountain picture, with what I thought were bats flying around a craggy peak. I blinked when I realized those were not bats, but very far away dragons! The last box to the left of that made me catch my breath. It was a scene at night. The stars were dim from some kind of haze. I could see lights at regular intervals over a paved road. In the distance I could see ... a McDonald's sign glowing in the distance!

I jumped up to the book. Pointing at the tiny square with my only hand.

"There! That's my home! "

I was panting suddenly, fear and excitement washed over me like a sudden shower of cold water.

"Archive! Can you take me there? Is that a live cam?" I yelled.

"No. And no. I do not understand your reference. A cam is a rotary device used to convey motion. You have several cams within you. But they are not ‘alive,’” the book said dryly.

[Notice: Aegis, this magical construct does not "get" your slang vocabulary from your world. Would you like me to assist?] Interface offered in my head.

"What?" I was too stunned by the little scene before me. A tiny car passed by in the night.

"Oh, sure. What should I do?"

[Query response: touch the book]

I hesitated. In many of the fantasy games I had played, touching a magical artifact resulted in lots of magical sparkles, lots of pain, and me with my butt sprawled on the floor again.

"Archive, may I … touch you? My Interface wants to chat with you" I asked.

The book cover partially closed, then reopened. I could have sworn that was a bookish shrug. I grinned.

"OK Interface, here goes" I replied and placed my palm on the page with the tiny moving pictures.

[Aegis, please say something to trigger your intention to interact with this magical construct.]

"Oh? OK, how about 'Log in Aegis'?" I replied.

Suddenly, light flared from the blue orb on my chest. It had been so quiet and inactive I had almost forgotten it was there. My whole body hummed. Power flowed from my chest down my arm to the book. It was starting to shudder. Then suddenly -

Pain.

White light flooded my vision.

Time to pass out again, I guess.

I woke to find myself lying face down on my bed. My hand was still on the book. I smelt something, a bit like wood smoke. Bud was whining and pulling at my leg, which was conveniently hanging off the bed for him to tug on with his teeth.

"Ow." I said, at first, it was the most intelligent thing I could think of. Since, you know, pain.

[Query: Aegis. Are you 'all right?' I was temporarily unable to modulate the mana flow due to my unfamiliarity with the Archive's interface requirements]

"Uhhhh. What?" I actually had slobber on my lips? Does a golem drool? I guess I do.

"Hello Aegis." - there was a new voice in the room.

I sat up quickly. Lots of places on my body hurt. Including my head.

"Let's … not do that again, Interface. OK?"

"No need, Aegis. I have acquired the information from your Interface to adequately converse with you, with 'your words'. " The new voice said.

It seemed to be coming from the book. But, didn't it have some deep blues club singer voice? Wait. I remembered that voice. I had heard it almost every day in class. In History class! I pushed myself up with my one arm. I was pretty strong, it seemed, as I lifted myself up easily despite the pain. The page my hand had been on was now completely blank. Or rather, there were no more pictures, or writing. There WAS however a scorched impression of my hand on the page. There was even still a little smoke.

"Hold up. Hold right up." I sat up groggily.

"Holding, Aegis." The book seemed to be grinning. How was that possible?

"I recognize that voice. Mister …. Mister Patterson?"

"Quite right my boy" - Mister Patterson always called me "My Boy" in class. It was super annoying.

"Um. What just happened?" I asked.

"Well, Aegis, it didn't 'just happen'. You've been out for oh, I think about 3 hours." The book closed itself and the beady eye regarded me. Some odd chuffing sound came from it. Was it laughing?

"OK, maybe I'm really crazy now? This fantasy world is now really just some kind of nightmare?" I asked weakly.

"Not at all my boy. I've merely acquired your memory engrams of this person you looked up to in your previous existence, and using your Interface's processing power, we constructed a personality profile that is compatible with your past experiences, in order to facilitate a conducive interaction profile."

Yup, that was Mister Patterson. Always ten words when one word would have been just as good.

"How are you … Mister Patterson?" I asked. Then … I processed what he had just said.

The book sighed. "I just said this, my boy. I took the memories of your history teacher and applied them to my own persona. So I can interact with you more efficiently. "

"Yeah, yeah. I get it now. But, why? How?"

[Query: when I was downloading your memories for my own interaction processing, I acquired a number of useful personas with which to interact with you. This one matched the Archive's own needs the closest.]

I sat down at the head of the bed and stared. I was in a fantasy world, with magic, strange abilities, amazing women who actually wanted to be around me ( well at least one - Bright didn't really count, did she?), and a dead wizard who for some reason thought it would be fun to pull me into this world, and now my history teacher was talking to me through a magical book.

I rubbed my face with my hand. I looked over at the stump of my left shoulder. I was incomplete. Someone had tried to kill me in this world - or at least the golem part. And apparently someone had successfully murdered an extremely powerful and intelligent wizard in the process. A chill ran down my back.

"So Mister Patterson - "

"Archive, my boy. I'm not your old teacher. I'm still a magical book with almost limitless knowledge of this world, and others. I'm just a bit more able to talk with you in a way you can understand. But still respect."

Uggggh. This was going to get old fast.

"Okay, okay, Archive. Are you OK? It looks like I may have burnt one of your pages." I asked. The last thing I wanted to do is piss off an insanely powerful magical artifact the moment I actually meet it.

"Sure, my boy. I'm "OK". If you are referring to the burnt page. It's actually a part of the spell you cast. It essentially brands me to your service. Forever."

"Oh! I, uh, hope that's OK with you?" I offered, running my hands through my hair.

The book's eye blinked.

"Of course. … um … no one's ever actually asked me about how I felt about things before. This is a first! You are quite a unique boy, Aegis. I look forward to interacting with you. "

[Alert: Incoming transmission ] Interface buzzed in my head.

"Uh, what? How's that possible? Is there internet in this world? Cell service?" I asked Interface.

[Query: internet and wireless communication do not exist in this world. The source of the transmission is unknown. I was not previously aware we were capable of this form of communication. A new subroutine has been activated within our systems.]

"It kinda makes me feel a little better that you don't simply know all and see all, Interface. What is this transmission?"

"Ah, my boy, if you are referring to the alert your Interface must have given you, I have some knowledge of that. When you connected to me via magic, that triggered a spell that has been lying dormant back at the castle. It is a special spelled message intended just for you." Archive intoned.

I picked up the book. It was warm. The leather of the binding was supple and soft. It was kinda creepy. Was this book alive? The big eye on the cover was also pretty disturbing.

"So, how could anyone possibly know I would be here, to send me a message? Who is it from?"

Archive blinked. "Isn't it obvious, my boy? It's from Kendranen Mir!"