Gar:

I was standing next to the mirror in Jack’s Gentleman’s Furnishings, Jack, who accepted being called Jack, but was really Jacques, in the back because he knew I like to make my own choices. A hanger with a pink and black bowling shirt in one hand, and a florid Hawaiian shirt in the other. Both had come from the clearance rack, and the two being all the options in my size. I was alternately holding one in front of me, and then the other. Checking out how I looked in them trying to decide. I heard the door and its bell jangle behind me.

I heard a familiar voice out of breath, say “Thank God! I’ve found you Uncle Gar! why don’t you answer you dammed phone?”

Over my shoulder I said to Wes, “It’s back at the house Boyo. What’s got you all tight in your britches?”

Wes said, back to me, still catching his breath, “Why on earth did you leave you phone back at the house?”

“Because it’s attached to the wall Boyo, it’s attached to the wall.” I said, still trying to pick out a shirt.

Most dramatically he reposted, “Ack, Old people, I’m surrounded by old people!” Then in a completely normal and much more friendly voice, “Oh Hi Uncle Jack, anything new for me?

At that point, I had two people behind me, so to be polite I turned around to see them. As I caught sight of them, both froze in their places, their faces were frozen in -exactly- the same expression. Shock? Horror? Shame? I swear I used to be really good at this stuff. Apparently, I need more practice. Too much time alone the last handful of centuries, I guess..

Jock un froze first, putting his thumb to his temple and his index finger to his fore-head shading his eyes and looking away from me. His mouth looking like he’d just French kissed a dirty lemon. Definitely disapproving. Hey I got that one! I’ve still got it!

Wes made an honest to god retching noise. He was really good at it too, it sounded totally convincing. Out of respect for this artistry I said “Nice one Boyo, Nice one”.

Jack looked even further away, pain and something else, Shame? Pity? Jack apparently was a harder nut to crack than I’d thought.

Finally, Wes regained the power of speech and said “Oh please god, don’t tell me you were going to wear one of those on your date?”

Playing along with his game, I replied seriously, “What Wes? they are on clearance.”

They both made the exact same wincing expression, hey wincing, I’m getting the hang of this!

Wes put one hand out, grabbing the counter to steady himself. Maybe he was more out of breath than I thought. “Uncle Jack, I need you. Can you get me a pair of flat front chinos, or some nice wool trousers, and a nice retro knit shirt that will flatter his shoulders? Or maybe a linen Cubano? I trust you.” He looked me up and down and froze on my feet. I looked down. Oh, I’d worn the bunny slipper out again, hadn’t I, Shite… I sighed deeply knowing I was never going to hear the end of this.

“Uncle Jack, can I get a pair of, Van’s, stat, just to tide us through the rest of this. They should feel like slippers to him, so no drama. I’ve got my birthday money, so put it all on my tab. These are desperate circumstances, but I can’t continue if I have to look at those slippers.”

Jack, already back with a pair of trousers and a knit collared shirt over one arm, and a pair of black fabric slip on shoes? Sneakers? in the other. “No, my dear Wes, I agree this is an emergency. I had heard from your father about the date, I just hadn’t put that together with this…” clearly fumbling for words, Jack opened and closed his mouth several times.

Wes tried to help, “Travesty? Horror show? Sin against humanity?”

Jack smiled, amused, but went with, “Situation. This one is on me, no need for Christmas and birthday money, we may need the big guns.”, Jack deftly slid the shoes in front of me and handed me a shoehorn from his back pocket. “Gar slip those off and these on, then go put these pants on. You can leave the t-shirt on for now. we’ll have a couple options to try when you get back. “Wes this is on me, but I’ll need your backup. The way you came in here, I assume the matter is pressing?”

Wes shook himself, “Oh yeah, mom needs him right now. Like Emergency. Something about a Carol Ann Beisler?”

Jack made a very odd face, part frozen, but with a dash of that lemon about the lips, and shook, no shuddered in place for a moment. Disgust? Revulsion? … I was getting better, but I couldn’t quite nail that one down. I was with Jack on this one though, those were my feelings about Carol Ann as well, whatever you called them.

Jack shook himself and continued. “Aggie, Carol Ann, and Gar? You take over here Wes, I’ll be back with my tape, this is going to require a double-breasted suit, and look at him, it will have to be bespoke. There is no way I have anything on the rack I can tailor that much. If Carol Ann is involved, he’ll need all the help he can get. You get him decent enough, just in case Aggie shows up at your mothers, an emergency patch job, no more. We can have him out of here in 10 minutes and on the way.”

Wes rushed me into the changing room, and said “Put on everything Jack brought, as quickly as you can Unc.” and handed me a plain pair of black dress socks off a rack as he went by. “Go, I’ll be right here. Waiting. I’ll give sis a call to come get us.”

I went in and changed into the pants first, then slipped on the shoes. “Hey! Penny loafers but sneakers, I didn’t know these were back in fashion, I used to love Penny loafers! They are so comfy!”

Wes snapped his fingers outside the door. “Penny loafers, great idea!” and I could hear him hustling off. Soon a pair of penny loafer and a knit shirt flipped over the door. I humbly began to change into those as well.

I was soon back in front of the mirror, the knit shirt hugging my torso in a way that made me slightly uncomfortable, but also, I thought, looked good. Everything from the belt to the penny loafers was just how Wes liked them.

Wes hollered “Uncle Jack, I think we are almost there. You need to come measure him now, my sister will be here in the car in a moment.” And he continued to look at me turning either him or myself one way or another, not quite happy.

Jack came out with a pad of paper in his hand, and a measuring tape looped about his neck. Took a look at me and said “Jack, you’ve still got the eye. Great job with the accessorizes Wes. I found Gars old measurements, so I just need to check the ones that changed. Be done a Jiffy”.

Jack stretched the tape over me a few times, then turned me into the light. Tsk’d a few times. He looked at Wes who nodded and said “The Beard”. Nodding in agreement, Jack hustled over to his sales counter.

Wes agreed “Yeah the beard, it’s throwing the whole look off.” We need to schedule a hair cut, but some pomade will do for tonight.

Jack grabbed a really big pair of scissors from behind his desk and a can that looked like shoe polish off a rack on the counter.

He paused in front of me, looking at his huge shears sadly, crossed himself saying “Father, forgive for I am about to sin”, and in 5 deft snipps and a couple brisk swipes at my beard and hair with, what looked like clear shoe-polish rubbed on his hands from the tin, he had my beard and hair to his liking.”

Wes looked sick, Hey sick! I was getting the old rust off! Way to go Gar!

Wes turned to Jack and spoke. “You were right of course, Jack, but I’m sorry for your loss.”

Jack nodded, his face down turned, and the corners of his mouth following suit. Sad, yeah that one was definitely sad, I may be rusty, but that one I still know backwards and forwards, it’s an old acquaintance of long standing.

I checked myself in the mirror one more time, before Jack and Wes hustled me out to the waiting car. I have to admit. I looked pretty darn good.

As we sped off from the curb, heading to the House of Cryptids, I turned to Wes and spoke. “All of that it was about the clothes, right? Wes nodded, looking ever so slightly like a limp noodle. I continued, Um, not that I care either way, I love you no matter what, but, umm are you uh, Uncle Jack and Uncle Bill like in your preferences Wes? I’m totally cool either way, I just wanted to know.”

Squeezing his eyes shut and rubbing his temples, “God Uncle Gar, we’re deeply into the 21st century! A guy doesn’t have to love the sausage to know how to look good anymore, ok? Times have changed. Girls, I like girls, and frankly they like me back. Not that’s it’s any of your damn business.”

“Okay Boyo, sorry, I didn’t mean to offend, I just wanted to know where we are standing, that’s all. In trying to avoid one mistake I blundered right into another, Ok? Forgiven?”

“Forgiven Unc., forgiven, for the questions, but for those two shirts you were holding. Never. Never ever.”

After a pause he continued.

“Now listen here, Unc, I’m going to tell you what I’ve picked up, so you have a chance to think it over… First, that Carol chick she ambushed your boy Joe at the gate. And the Tome, he didn’t have it when he gated out. It’s missing. Moms’ friend Gina, you remember her? Runs the afternoon shift at the gate? Dave’s mom? worked with my mom in engineering under you back in the day? Well, she called mom and told her what went down. She saw the Tome get pulled out of your boy’s backpack and chucked to the floor. When she went to retrieve it, so she could, just send it along, it wasn’t there.”

---

Back at the house of Squatch, Mona was briefing me in more detail. “Gina, she came over with what footage she could find, she said the footage was being deleted as fast as she copied it. We got about a third of it though.

Playing what angles she had Mona said ”We need to strategize this. You can see the Tome on the ground, then after Carol Ann bends and picks up the clipboard. Nothing. But with all the angles we have, we can’t see her pick it up. No Proof. All we can do is embarrass her by showing her tantrum to her bosses. You know as well as I do, she throws tantrums like that every couple months about one thing or another. It’s only been what about 6 months since she pitched one to get her last assistant demoted, all just for slightly out shining her at the Christmas party, no matter what excuses she gave to her bosses.”

About then Aggie came bustling in, looking like a million bucks. Hell, two million. I jumped to my feet, and said “Morning Aggie, it’s great to see you, you look amazing.”

Aggie was frozen in place, blinking at me slowly for just a moment 3 or 4 blinks tops then she looking me up and down slowly. After one more slow blink, she turned to Mona, with just a bit of a curl at the very ends of her lips, and made some kind of gesture with her eyebrows to Mona that I didn’t understand. After, as she was speaking to Mona, I could see her repeatedly peaking at me from the very corner of her eye. Every time I saw it and turned to catch her eye, she’d look down away and smile that funny soft smile again. Like she was pleased and embarrassed and a half dozen other things all together.

Oh, I thought as my stomach dropped, I thought I’d looked pretty good. Apparently, Aggie didn’t agree. She thought I looked funny. I sat down feeling deflated, leaned back and put one arm up on the couch, put my right ankle on my left knee, and turned my attention back to Mona, trying my hardest to look casual.

Mona was talking animatedly, quickly bringing Aggie up to speed about the Carol Ann problem. Pride boy, Pride. Don’t let them see you shriveling inside.