Pain.

A Gift.

No Surprise.

They unwrap me.

A new pain, the present.

Captured. By my own country.

I begin to understand what it means to be free.

I feel the close bands wrapped across my body, holding me in place -

Hear them repeat the questions. What they ask of me. What they want.

How far - already.

I fight back, and lose my chance -

Because couldn't I give them something. Couldn't I give them anything -

In exchange?

For my freedom -

I try to think, to understand - what is it worth?

My possessions? Everything I own - All that is mine.

How about my eyes? Without a World to see, what good is sight?

So freedom is worth more than my eyes. Take them.

More than my flesh. When you can't feel the touch of another? Please - for freedom.

For what is an organ? The pumping pipes and keys to life, when the door is barred -

If I can't play the song of freedom, what value is my music?

Freedom. That is worth more than the instruments of my life.

So they offer it to me, a trade - trying to take it, and More -

Valuable it becomes -

As they cut away all the pieces that make up life;

Almost nothing left - Freedom and Life,

And there's not a choice, between

They are the same - Everything.

My Freedom.

I can't hear - the surprised shouts. As sharp knives and instruments, mid-harvest - vanish. As I finally give them what they asked for - the secret to all my power - question number eight.

My Abilities -

How many times did they ask, did they demand I tell them? All my secrets, what's inside -

Laughter.

How many times did I warn them, did they try to bribe me?

Pain.

They offered - and I accepted, the pain of the present. They thought they were hurting me. Because they think pain is bad, that it's wrong. They tried to wield it like a weapon. They didn't understand.

My Pain.

As it grew inside of me, so slowly - as my mind twisted and buckled and cracked. I kept it close, the secret -

My mentor. I could never forget that teacher, that lesson, that to feel pain is to be alive. Because you can never forget the pain, even if it is less then what it once was. You can try to leash it, control it, even wield it, as they try to do against me - but that just keeps it at arms length.

A weapon can be turned against its owner.

But if you befriend it? Tame it? Take it inside of you?

Nurture it? Understand it.

Love it, and let it grow.

Make it your Queen.

Green bugs appear across my body - twisting and writhing, I can't feel them take flight but I know - they will protect me, their hive. They took away the world - with just a helmet, a cut - they severed all connections, still living without life, as she once tried to do. Before we were friends -

But still, because I fought back - they were afraid.

They twist my mind with pain, to keep me from thinking - and it's more then I could imagine, before -

I hold on, that bare sliver of self. I feel my mind torn by a storm of suffering, adrift in an ocean of emptiness. I can barely remember - who I am, what's important - I clutch the memories, my hope, where once I had none I find hope, to cling. But over time even that grip begins to slip, it's not enough, the past, when there is no future. And I feel myself begin to reach for something else, knowing I have to let go in order to grasp it -

And I watch as my last treasures tumble away -

Sweet roses and cut grass. Hair that wants to be brown and unnoticed, if only the Sun would stop kissing it. The smell of sweat and the nectar of defeat.

So I can grab freedom -

The seeds, behind my back and head - split and sprout and grow - up.

A tree. Ripping my body free of the metal that binds it, broken and twisted - Up!

I feel the roots surround and protect, my nest, my ribs - split open and spread, like wings - UP!

Through me, with me - All of me -

Black -

Light! - Too bright!

Sirens blare - the first sound -

Rain - I look up, wrong - it sticks. I don't understand as it expands further, hisses and tickles my skin, my skin - I feel! - trapped.

I pull it into me to escape - while it expands faster then I can suction, blinded again. Now I'm swimming in it. I can swim!

To Freedom - finally, freedom!

Why - then, am I sad? Sinking, through the sludge that grows thicker and the hold on my mind, I sink within it, to a place -

My refuge - a rocking chair. A Queen on a shelf, a nest. Projects started and forgotten, I sit down and remember, even as the rest of me fights for every moment. Every second - Pushing the sludge back, growing walls - a room - a bubble -

Feeling it grow thicker, and the pressure, like my regret -

Because I have no excuse -

I made it through the jungle, alive. And I felt safe, because I was around people. I trusted people. Believed! Because I had seen it with my own eyes. New eyes. That people could be good. That most of them were.

I'd found faith - thought I knew what it meant -

Semper Fidelis!

And I was so excited, so happy, to be a part of something noble and wonderful, that I would have the chance - to mean something. That I didn't ask, didn't question - what I was fighting for.

I went against my father's word - why? Instead of an oath, now I swear - I curse.

I saw them, there, around me in their uniforms, along with all the others - outside this cage they put me in, people just as good, just as ignorant - more ignorant, then me, now. Keeping my captors safe from me. They were going to be my brothers -

That was the trap. I fell in it, my faith in men, in society, as surely as if it were a cage itself. And I would have never known, thinking myself good, thinking myself better, while all along, because of me another suffers -

Only now, because the walls are obvious, because they treated me like an animal, training me to listen and when I refuse? Cruelty. A lab rat, not even a friend, less then a pet -

All because I forgot - the most obvious lesson, even though it's been staring me in the face since I got back from the dungeon - that one animal was more dangerous then all the rest, and out here?

I'm not alone.

I feel the creaking in the wood, my hands outstretched, I pour myself into it, strengthen it, a seed of hope resting on my lap - a hope I wish to grow, but it's lonely, it needs more then just a seed to become a tree -

Without the brightness to reach for, no roots, I know I can't grow. That even if I have enough left in me, because I can't believe it's there - now that I know it's not, how can I convince a plant when I can't convince myself -

I was born to be a Marine.

Semper Fidelis.

Always faithful.

There was something more they took from me, I realize - as I push against the creaking, crushing ship - at the end of my journey. My mind fading from the darkness of last night closing in, the bright light of stars -

Was there fifty? No, that's not my flag.

No fierce red of a last stand, no enemy to bleed or blame but myself. The light is white -

Just me. A prisoner. As my vision slowly fades to black and the only flag I've ever truly known. The only one I've ever understood, and now - the only one I will ever earn -

Contact: Brandon Zelinsky is entering a Novice Dungeon. Request to join?

"Yes! Yes!"

I sang it, renewed as I exploded through the light, a mess of splinters and wood crashing around me -

Freedom! Glory! Life!

Warmth and light! Color and sound! People!

It was everything I'd lost, I couldn't see them - my eyes, I tried clearing them, blinking and wiping away -

Precious blue sky and white clouds, surf and sand, I felt the crumbling blindness free my sight, and singing! Any voice was an angels as it accompanied the melody of waves I heard accompanying the cheer, the call of birds and sweet joy - sweet life - sweet freedom!

Everything is wonderful! And my people! My friends! My saviors! Where are they?

I stumbled, crawling, scrambling to my feet and calling out to them - trying to - there!

They were so beautiful - these four singing seraphim, I watch them celebrate with me, see they are just as amazed - all of us crying, yes! It's good to cry, together! Anything you can do when you are free is life! Anything you can share with another in freedom is good! Life is good!

Look at Jason! Curled up on the ground and sobbing with happiness! Every time I forget how beautiful he is! I wave in excitement. Thumbs up! You got it! He's sooo happy! Life!

"Brandon! You saved me!" I gasp, and look - he's so excited to see me, he's shaking! I'm shaking! With freedom!

"Derek, I missed you! I can't believe I hated you, you're perfect! You're -" And I realize my mouth is full, foamy or chalky - my words aren't right, they don't understand what I'm saying, I suck it away, and finally the words come clear -

"Brandon." I finally gasp, falling to my knees in front of them, spreading my arms out for the group hug, to feel them crush against me, to feel all my friends in the world at once - I'm so lucky - "Mike. Derrik. Jason. Thank you. Thank you for saving me! I'm free!"

"Cody?!" The screams, so shrill and girlish I don't think my mother could have made it, not if she opened the fridge and found a rat jerking it on one of her pie crusts. I couldn't help but laugh because how excited to see me do you have to be, to make a noise like that! How much life - freedom!

Jason was vomiting because he was free!

Mike was wet because wee! He's free!

"What's wrong with you!" Mike sobbed and Derek just pointed at me in...terror, and even thought just the sound of their voice was as good as a hug, clutched tight when you are drowning - something is wrong. Freedom! That means I didn't - I was, how long was I trapped? But now I was free!

I looked at Derek and I wanted to hug him, he was so damn beautiful! All of them were! And the sand was hot and sharp around my feet and knees, a pedicure of diamonds - to feel the touch of each grain on my toes, and the air!

Fresh and clean, it blew across my body, it was almost too much - I had forgot what it was like to feel anything more then pain, my whole existence had become oxygen and agony, not even darkness, there had been nothing...

I began to hyperventilate, caught between the excitement and horror as the world started spinning, I was getting dizzy and I reached for my center, trying to grab onto who I was, what I know -

I'm Cody Abbot. These are friends, we go to school together, and we're in a Dungeon. They look like the see something wrong, something terrible - I spin my head around, just ocean. I look back and realize they aren't singing, they're screaming. Pointing still at the ocean, no! - At me. There's something wrong with me.

That doesn't feel right - but then I realized I don't feel right -

And I start to look at myself and realized...my right arm is twisted and stretched, and curves, not broken but wrong. It healed wrong, locking the deformity of my escape, the twisted tree that had grown to free me, to close around and protect my vulnerable organs, had also kept me from healing right.

My ribs are knuckled, they came together like an arthritic handshake. There are cords coming out of me everywhere - out of my dick, my ass, out of my arms and I'm in a tangle of wires, and roots. I feel roots growing through me -

I have no hair I realize as I reach up awkwardly, not use to the strange curve of my limbs, and feel more of the crumbling paste on my skin as it continues to fall off in small chunks and my mind expands beyond this moment. As more of me tries to process the captivity, the torture, my attempts at escape...

The certainty of death. The coin of life - freedom.

Realization then - I look like a monster, and they had just entered a Dungeon, we all had, and so I gaped at them as they gaped at me in their various frozen positions of terror and poised escape -

"Give me a moment, I didn't mean to scare you...I'm sorry guys." I blushed, shaking my head - typical Cody. Finally get's friends and is already ruining it by getting -

That's what I said as I walked away, letting huge gobs of the expanding goop pour out of me as I neared the wet sand, discarding it from my storage. I sucked in what shouldn't be sticking out of my body, or stuck inside it. I felt strange lumps - more roots, foam pockets like Styrofoam, and medical instruments. I focused, and sucked them inside me, too.

But my arm - my twisted limbs? I knew what I had to do and I pulled out a long knife and struggled to position it right, hearing gasps -

Then I froze - as my mind caught up to me I rolled my eyes and focused.

My forearm dropped limply against my leg and I felt a new bone added to my storage. I did the same with my ribs, I had to lie down and suck them all in at once - then the other deformities that left my skin wiggling, sagging - muscles springing apart like cut rubber bands only to grow back attached. I lost health each time but it was minimal, just a couple points - I took it slow, all while trying to process what I was doing. It was blowing my own mind - felt crazy, felt so natural and obvious - felt so right.

Again! Surprised again by what I could do. And how much easier it would have been to escape the metal bonds had I only knew?

I had to learn more, understand more, I'm just scraping the surface of what I'm capable of. I needed to figure it out before I needed it, or I was going to die. I need to start trying things - even if they don't make sense -

Just because something failed once doesn't mean I couldn't try it again, try it differently. I needed to learn how to make things work. Plan.

Why had it never occurred to me, to suck in one of my own bones? Because they always healed right? I shook my head.

Persistence. Pushing myself beyond what I was comfortable with. Trying things and exploring - that was how I tamed the Queen. I couldn't bring a living bug in my inventory. Not the first time I tried.

Except I had been able to bring in wood and seeds - then have them grow afterward. What was the difference? The wood didn't object to it. Of course you didn't have to tame wood. But I sensed in the store animal companions - pets, none that I could afford, but I knew they were out there - and with the understanding that I failed to train Enemy-Friend was also the knowledge that it could be done.

I produced soap and emerged my toes in the ocean, sucking in water and letting it spout over the top of my head as I scrubbed until it was just me, naked and bald, not a hair on my body. All the thoughts, ideas, the dungeon - again, and my captivity, all surging around in my head. I knew I wasn't processing, thinking properly - remembered times where my mind broke, and then felt it healed - slower then another injury, but it had healed.

I would heal from this too, in time. I held onto that certainty with my trembling hands, remembering what felt like one long day, and at the time, eternity, everything horrible that had happened and how close I had been to losing everything. I gazed at the ocean, knowing I couldn't just toss this thoughts in - I'd have to carry them with me, until I could drown them in something better. I steadied myself and turned again to the people that had saved me, saw them staring - still frozen, mouths open.

Each an expression I didn't know a face could make. Somewhere between absolute horror and regret.

I let my Cowl fall over me, the Sun felt too good on my skin after all the cold and I didn't really want anything between me and the world, but the Cowl felt like a part of me, too, and the musky scent wrapped me in comfort. I'd spared no effort in finishing it, to remove every scrap of flesh during crafting, to help the bone swell to hold the shape. I cleaned and conditioned the fur, and now the eyes were bone white with a stinging green iris and a dangerous red slitted pupil.

Feeling the power of it, the familiarity - it was a nap, a yawn, not quite ready for the hunt, but looking forward to the hunger - I did my best to pack the bad away, to not let it ruin what life still had to offer.

I walked over, rejoining them, laughing and shaking my head because they looked ridiculous, dressed like they had heard about the zombie apocalypse over the thrift store loud speaker and went ape shit - the humor brought me closer, I didn't have to force my hands still, and found once I started I couldn't stop - I pulled out two of my twisted arm bones and played them across their bike helmets like drums -

As Brandon narrowed his eyes at me, at the pinkish yellow bones - he pulled back, repressed a gag, then yelled, "What the fuck!"

Everybody just stared at me, like I was still deformed and they weren't covered in piss, or vomit, tears and sand. Only Derek seemed somewhat composed.

"Did I really look that bad?" I asked, hands empty again as I let myself make light of it, I sat down in the loose circle we formed. Then scooted back a bit because they leaned away from me.

Brandon was still glaring at me, and I could feel the forced dismissal as he jerked himself away to look into the ocean, but the others blinked and stuttered and -

"It was...terrible." Mike whispered, "The worst thing I have...I...I thought I was dying, I...I almost."

"Disgusting." Jason spat as I heard the tap, tap, tap and looked over to see Brandon reaching into a can, his hands shaking as he went to pinch a chew...

"How?" Derek whispered, the clever one. While the other's fear and shock was fading I could see his growing, building in his eyes, the clouds of dark knowledge flashing with insight.

"I was being stupid." I admitted, "My Grandma warned me, my whole family, and you guys did, too - I just didn't connect it, never guessed. You saw the laws, the secrets, popular posters suddenly stop. I just...didn't think about what it meant. Didn't realize...because I meant no harm, I couldn't imagine anybody thinking of me like a threat..." I shook my head again, was that the same lesson...? It was the same shape -

Derek nodded and I heard the splash of spit on sand, watched Mike awkwardly pulling at his pants in a way I knew. The wet, the flaring of nostrils. The flush.

Let him stew in it, I thought, as I told them the whole story, two agents and an offer, an underground complex in an unknown desert, the loss of my pride. Because there is worse to come than piss, and they, at least, chose it for themselves. Derrik was the first to internalize the ramifications - looking me over, the way he leaned back, as though he wanted to escape, didn't want to be seen next to me.

Then he paused and began to fill me in on the rest. The part I didn't know.

"Brandon went by when you didn't come to school." I peeked over, but his eyes were for the ocean, "You're mom was, is devastated, she dragged him inside the house and made him drink a gallon of tea as she tried to figure out if he knew more than she did, told him about what happened with your dad."

"Fucked up, just calling them like that." Jason said. My eyes bulged.

"What?"

"You're dad's a dick, that's obvious, but you can't just tell them to fuck off, that you're going to be a Marine and -."

"At least he told them."

"What? I never said that!" I was shocked, at the accusing looks -

Derrik narrowed his eyes at me briefly then shrugged.

"We were pissed off, too, after you bailed. We waited, thinking you were gonna show, but you didn't come back and we weren't sure we'd get another chance."

"I was sort of tied up." I said shaking my head, "I was only supposed to be gone a few days, just paperwork. And the only reason I didn't call is because I don't have any of your numbers. If..."

"Yeah. I now I feel bad about some of the shit I called you. Probably not as bad as Brandon, though." Derek chuckled, I saw the fake and forced humor, felt how he reached for the comfort, and in a way tossed it out like a blanket to share -

"It's cool." I laughed turning to Brandon, "You saved me man, I can forgive anything - well, as long as you didn't try to bang my mom."

The other guys chuckled, except for Brandon who blushed, ashamed, and if I hadn't seen how much it hurt him, and still, to meet my eyes and say it -

"Hannah."

It was a punch to my gut, he turned back to the ocean, shrugged, "You took off."

I couldn't breathe at first, I felt myself try to match the shrug, felt how weak and realized - two punches, winded. I'd only spoken to her a handful of times, it wasn't like we were married, not dating, hardly even 'talking.' It was just - she saved me, that she was something more then a person in my mind right now, and I loved her. It was an insane, irrational love a tortured mind that had reached for anything - as proof that enduring was worth it...

An impossible love - I realized, as that perfection died. And cheap, hurt words spewed from my mouth like foul vomit, I instantly regretted them - "I didn't think she'd give it up that easy."

"Easy?" Jason laughed.

"It took him a month!" Mike said punching Brandon, "And that was just for second base!"

"A month? Wait - Second base? What - isn't that just, I've been gone a month?! I thought you were doing this after the dance."

"Ha. We got cold feet. Only reason we did it now is cause of the law. Last chance. If it passes, anyone who enters a dungeon intentionally will be arrested."

"Really? That's a law?"

"Come on, Mike, stop saying shit if you're not gonna say it right, this is important. They're not making it against the law, you just have to do some stuff before you go - like a drivers license - or 'Diver's License' they're calling it. IRS forms, required training, your first dive accompanied by a professional, equipment inspections, written tests. A lot."

I laid back in the sand feeling the warmth of it on my body - even as the coldness of the words washed over me. How logical they sounded. As Derek made a fair argument for 'reasonable measures' to facilitate a 'fair' system, it was going to save lives. People wouldn't have to risk it, like they were, doing.

But I clutched my freedom, feeling how wonderful just laying in warm sand could be, that something as simple as sand could bring me - that I couldn't find the smallest interest in weighing what all these 'laws' could do, I'd already seen how 'rules' work, what they actually were - just cages made of paper.

I didn't want to think about them, didn't want to care - for what were they to the sound of the ocean, drunk gulls, and right now? And even if this 'law' didn't sound that bad...

How many times had I heard the ruffling of the paper, the snap of it pulled tight, the barely audible words -

'What's next...'

How far...

I heard an old argument with new words added in, a new understanding as well...

'The dungeons should be for anyone that wants them. Period. It was only their risk, so it should only be their reward. If they want to share? Let people appreciate their generosity, not force it upon them.'

It was right there, free for anybody that wanted it, they needed no permission but their own. Why limit it...?

Fear. Power. Control.

I took a deep breath. For me, the illusion of society had already been cut away, I'd seen the shape of that cage - the question is who is the zookeeper? The Wizard behind the Curtain, pulling all the strings to turn us against each other - to take a serviceperson's oath and honor and use it as a weapon upon the innocent - to bloody them both.

Derek was realizing it, so I waited, waited for those first droplets of intuition to become a flood of understanding, knowing he'd get it first, that he stood too close to the truth not to see it for himself. I heard cautious words begin to climb their way out his throat, the others turn, to hear what their future had in store.

To remember what I looked like a few moments ago and imagine...what it felt like, and what had caused it. And I hoped he learned; that maybe we truly could be friends, that he would finally understand, and it would be enough for change.

I got up and walked into the ocean bringing the cowl within myself.

It needed to be their choice. Their decision. They hadn't yet made my mistake, so they didn't have to fight, they could watch. Wait. Hope for the best. I'd already made my choice.

I saw the waves crash around me, felt the touch of wet sand across me body. The wind breathed through my soul, and I existed in this moment of freedom forever - as I went deeper, feeling the licking surf over my chest, my stomach, my balls.

My father said I was a man. Learning what that was, what it was meant to be. Not a mask or my imitation, just doing what other men did. Not just my balls.

I felt the warm sun on my body, the baptismal waters of a Dungeon, let it wash away my folly as I forgave my youth, the foolish young man who had made the mistake of believing that there could be something greater, something more important, then himself.

I let it go.

Semper Fidelis.

I've seen those words thousands of times and never comprehended. Resented my father for not teaching me the secret of being a man, not understanding that he was showing me every day. It wasn't the strength of arm or arms, it was something greater than that.

Always Faithful.

Not to a country or a flag. Not even to family. That was a part of it. The result of it. They came after, were lifted up by men strong enough to stand up for what is right, what is worth protecting, and for a man to do that he has to know what is right, to feel it within him, and value it more than anything else - more than his own life.

For those words to be true, they can only apply to one thing. The only thing a man can ever truly have faith in if he would call himself a man at all.

Himself.