Knocking on the door to a house I’d lived in just several months prior felt pretty odd. My mother answering that door felt even weirder. I had to wait around a month to actually catch her at home, and as I made my way into the living room to sit with her, I seriously thought about sprinting back outside. What was I even doing here?

I guess she felt just as awkward as I did, since we must have sat for at least two whole minutes in total silence while the ice in our tea glasses clinked as it melted and settled into the glass.

“How do you like your new apartment?” My mother asked, breaking the silence at last.

“Yeah, it’s fine.”

“Not too small?”

I shrugged. “I’m only one person. I don’t need anything bigger.”

“I suppose that’s true.” She smiled faintly. “I used to be fine with tiny apartments. I wonder why your father and I ever bought this place.”

“Why did you buy this place?” I glanced around the familiar joint living room and kitchen. “It seems pretty big for just the three of us, and you were never really home anyway.”

“You know, I think your father wanted it for you.”

“For me?”

She nodded. “He didn’t have much growing up, the middle child of six other siblings. It never really seemed like enough to go around to him. He never wanted you to feel that way.”

I’d honestly never considered that. I knew my father had a large family, but I hadn’t really known it was a struggle for him. We didn’t really have frank conversations, at least not many that I could remember.

“I’m sorry we weren’t here as much as we could have been, Kaito.” Her gaze was focused on the tea glass. “We never really planned for children. I suppose I was afraid of becoming my mother. She was…unbalanced. The thought that I might cause you that same pain frightened me. I had no idea how to be a real mother to you. Your father was so focused on being a provider.” She met my eyes. “We weren’t there as much as we should have been.”

That seemed like a pretty big understatement. Still, it was nice to hear her finally say it out loud.

I chuckled and shook my head. “Why this all the sudden?”

“I suppose that I realized you’ve grown into a fine young man and I wasn’t here to see any of it.”

“I’m not sure about that. I don’t think I know what I’m doing at all.”

She smiled gently. “No one your age does. You’re still figuring out who you want to be, but whoever that is, I’m sure he’ll be wonderful. That girl was lucky to have you.”

“I don’t think she saw it that way. Or at least, she didn’t see me the way I wanted her to see me.”

“Unrequited love is always hard. Have you told her how you feel?”

I shrugged and stared down at the beads of condensation rolling down my glass. “She knows.”

“It is not for her. It is for you. Does she have a boyfriend?”

I laughed. “I doubt it. She isn’t really the dating type.”

“Then you should tell her.”

“You act like there’s hope.”

She shook her head. “It’s not for the hope. It is fore the closure. A love lost is a love lost. You have to begin to heal.”

I couldn’t help but think back to what Hiromasa said when he confessed; it hurt, but was somehow freeing. Could I really allow myself to be that vulnerable?

My mother and I talked a little bit after that. We steered clear of topics too deep. This was our first real conversation in a while, after all. I did share with her a little bit about Saki and what I got up to while was away. Not all of it, of course. I didn’t think she’d take the illegal activities too well. She talked a little bit about her trips and said that my father would actually love to talk to me too. He just had no idea how to start. I guess that made two of us.

I wasn’t really sure what exactly made me feel the urge to reach out to her in the first place. Maybe I was just feeling lonely and lost. Whatever the reason, I was pretty happy I did. Nothing could really make up for the years of broken relationship that existed in the past, but the future looked kind of hopeful.

Later that evening, I sat on my bed staring at my phone. Were Hiromasa and my mom really right? Would telling her how I felt really do anything for me except get me hurt again? She’d already said she didn’t love me once. I’m not sure how much more clear she could be. Did I really need to hear that again for closure?

I picked up the phone, brought up her number, and froze. Confessing over the phone seemed really cheap and insincere, especially considering all we’d been through together. That meant I was going to have to call her and ask to meet up. I let out a shaky breath and pressed the screen.

It only rang twice before I chickened out and tossed the phone back to the bed as though it had suddenly caught fire. What the hell was I thinking? I rubbed my sweaty palms on my pants. We hadn’t seen each other in months because she didn’t want to see me. What could I ever say to her to make her want to? She was clearly done with me. Why couldn’t I just move on?

After my failed attempt at a phone call, our limited text conversations just died out altogether. It seemed neither of us had much left to say. She didn’t even ask me about why I tried to call.

More time passed. I went back to my schedule of keeping busy, but she was never far from my mind. Certain triggers would bring her back no matter how occupied I was-- a woman with long hair, the smell of orange jasmine, strawberries. In these moments, I would find myself wondering how or what she was doing, if she was happy. I would quickly push these thoughts to the back of my mind again. It wasn't my concern anymore. It's not as though she gave a damn about me anymore anyway.

In late November, I received a text from Hiromasa asking if we could meet at my apartment. The text worried me. It was unlike him to be so serious. Usually, he just let me know that he had some free time coming up, or might even stop by the restaurant as a customer to mess with me. For him to be so rigid about the time and place was so odd, but I agreed, of course.

When I answered the door, he was wearing the same cheesy grin as he always did. "Hi."

"Hey." I swung the door open.

He took off his shoes and we walked through the cramped entrance hall, which also served as a small kitchen, and into the main room of the apartment. He sat down on the rug at the small table in the center of the room.

"You want anything?" I asked.

"No," he said and leaned back.

"So, is it real talk time?" I sat down. "What happened? You knock Miyasoto up or something?"

His face turned red and I started laughing.

"Shut up," he said. "I'm here about you."

"What about me?"

His face got serious and he looked down. "Listen. Saki is coming back this weekend for a visit."

My heart started pounding at the mere mention of her name.

"She wasn't planning on telling you," he continued. "But I'd feel too guilty not to say anything, so here I am."

"Why is it that you know and I don't?" I asked

"She talks to Kimiko a lot," he said.

I snorted. "That figures. I could barely get a few lousy words out of her, but Miyasoto talks to her all the time? That seems fair."

"Don't be mad," Hiromasa said.

I sighed and pushed my hand through my hair. "You're right. I guess it wouldn't do me any good. She doesn't care about me anymore anyway."

"Dumbass," Hiromasa said. "Of course she does. She asks Kimiko about you all the time."

"She does?" My heart beat faster.

That damn thing was more naïve than I was. Why the hell was I getting so worked up?

Hiromasa's eyes went wide. "Crap. I probably wasn't supposed to tell you that." He hung his head. "Just don't tell Kimiko, alright?"

"Hiromasa, you'd better start talking."

He sighed and looked to the side. "Saki got a phone shortly after she moved, but she only really talked to Kimiko. She wasn't planning to say anything to you at all until Kimiko begged her to."

"What the hell? Why wouldn't she talk to me?"

"Isn't it obvious?" He met my eyes. "She was trying to let you go about your life, but you were kind of a mess after she left, so Kimiko suggested she talk to you, thinking it might cheer you up a little. She was only trying to help."

I couldn't help but smile. "But she asks about me?"

Hiromasa sighed. "I really shouldn't have told you that. Anyways, apparently Saki's mother got in touch with her through her father, so she's coming back to try and talk things out a little."

"I'm glad you came," I said.

He folded his arms. "You're god damn right you are. Kimiko is going to be so mad when she finds out. You owe me big."

I laughed. "You're right. I do. You name the favor."

"Raincheck, then," he said. "It's got to be something really good. I don't want to waste it until I have something."

Hiromasa gave me the details on the way out. Apparently, Saki was returning home in the afternoon on Saturday and they were all supposed to meet at a family restaurant before she went to see her mother. I fully intended to be there and didn’t really think about anything but that until the day finally came.

When I arrived at the restaurant that weekend, everyone was already waiting in a semi private room in the back. There were four red tables seated on the tatami mat floors, but the other three were empty.

My eyes went to her immediately. It only took me a moment to realize I was undone. My heart beat as though I was seeing her for the very first time. My timeline collapsed. Minutes or years, it didn't matter. I would be tied to her forever. Her gaze met mine and I took the first breath I'd truly taken in over seven months.

She'd cut her hair. It hung just past her shoulders now, instead of all the way down her back. I also noticed she'd removed most of her rings and ear piercings, leaving only two tasteful studs in her earlobes.

Saki squinted and glanced sideways at Hiromasa. "It seems we have a snake among us."

"It would seem so," Miyasoto said, staring daggers at Hiromasa.

He laughed nervously and rubbed the back of his head.

"Hi, Saki," I said quietly.

She sighed. "Hey, Kaito."

I sat down next to Hiromasa and the silence got so heavy you could practically feel it.

Miyasoto did her best to strike up a conversation. It worked, sort of. The only person who wasn’t saying anything was me. It was as though I wasn’t in the room at all. Saki barely looked my way and didn’t even ask me how I’d been or what I’d been doing.

The waiter brought our food. I stared down at my breaded pork cutlet while the others ate. I wasn’t hungry at all. How could Saki just chat with Hiromasa and Miyasoto like it was no big deal? Why wasn’t she saying anything at all to me? Didn’t it matter to her that we hadn’t seen each other in so long? Was I only ever something to be used up? Even if we weren’t lovers, weren’t we at least friends?

“Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?” The bitter aggressiveness my own words surprised me.

The table fell silent while Saki and I stared at each other.

"Well, I don't think I've ever felt more uncomfortable in my entire life." Hiromasa stood up. "Kimiko, drink bar?"

"Sounds good to me," she said sanding up to join him. "When we get there, you can explain to me what you think a secret means."

"Why didn't you tell me you were coming?" I repeated after they left the room.

She sighed. “Because I really want you to move on with your life and you can’t do that with me in it.”

“So you just decided by yourself?” I asked, my voice getting louder. “That’s so unfair, Saki! We’ve been friends for years and you were just going to ditch me without a word?”

“You wouldn’t have let me say goodbye to you if I’d tried. I only started texting you because Kimiko begged me. She thought it might help you to hear from me just a little bit since you weren’t doing well.”

“Yeah, well I probably wasn’t doing well because somebody I thought I had a real connection with decided they wanted nothing to do with me and didn’t even bother to let me know.”

“I’m not good for you, Kaito,” she said softly. “I’m not good for anyone. You must see that by now.”

“I wholeheartedly disagree.”

She smirked and shook her head. “I shouldn’t have spoken to you again.”

My chest tightened and a lump stuck in my throat. "That's so cruel, Saki."

Her eyes caught mine. "I'm a cruel person. I thought you knew that by now."

I let out a sharp breath. She might as well have punched me in the chest.

She stood up from the table abruptly. "I should go.”

I leaned over and caught her wrist when she tried to leave the room. "Wait. You’re going to see your mom, right?”

“That was the plan.”

“Let me come with you. You need someone there. You shouldn’t have to do it alone.”

“I’ll be fine.”

“And what if you’re not? Please, Saki. You’re the one who involved me in this in the first place. Let me see it through.”

She chuckled. “I remember trying really hard not to involve you in my shit, actually.”

I didn’t answer, just continued staring at her, refusing to let go of her arm.

“Alright.” She sighed. “Fine, but you know this might go seriously sideways?”

I nodded. “That’s part of the reason I want to come.”

“Still doing me favors,” she muttered to herself.

I wasn’t really sure if I was or not. Was this for her or for me? I still wanted to support her and be there if her mom tried to tear her down, but I also wanted to see how this turned out for myself. I suppose this wasn’t the first time the line between selfless and selfish had been a bit blurry with her.

We left money on the table for the food, not even bothering to say goodbye to Hiromasa and Miyasoto as we left. I’d probably just apologize later. Things were already awkward enough without uncomfortable farewells. Saki was probably even going to see Miyasoto sometime on her own anyway. They’d apparently stayed quite close despite the miles that separated them. Meanwhile, Saki and I had grown so far apart that even walking a few feet from her felt like some vast, unconquerable canyon.

The canyon only grew as we waited silently made our way from the restaurant to the train station. At some point she had outgrown me and moved on while I was stuck in the past. How would I ever reach her now?