Summer bled into autumn. The second term seemed to pass us by in a flash. Hiromasa really buckled down and started studying for college entrance exams. Any free time he did have was usually spent with Miyasoto. Saki also spent a good deal of her time with Miyasoto, which left me feeling sort of lonely. It's not that I didn't see her at all, but it wasn't as much as it had been, and I guess I can get kind of clingy. I was happy her friendship with Miyasoto was going so well, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't love the days she chose to hang out with me instead.

Winter break started and a gnawing anxiety I had been only vaguely aware of started making its way into the forefront of my mind. There was only one term left before graduation. Had I accomplished anything? Saki certainly seemed happier with her new friend. Her mood seemed elevated overall, but was that really progress? She still came to sleep at my house, which meant that her mother was still causing problems. It's not that I thought my actions would have an effect on her home life, but I wanted to help more.

Not including our encounter when we were thirteen, I had known Saki for almost two years. I had very little information to show for that time. What happened in Saki's life when she was younger to push her towards suicide? Why did her father leave? What destroyed her mother? The ends all had to meet somewhere.

Was I saving her?

Was the monster losing or winning?

It was the night of Christmas Eve. Hiromasa and Miyasoto were obviously going out alone together. He had managed to book a table at a pretty fancy restaurant and even got all dressed up. I have to admit, he cleans up pretty nice. Although they had been going out on dates alone for a while now, they hadn't done anything quite this formal, so he still seemed pretty nervous. I tried to calm him down the best I could, but ultimately we just had to hope those armpit stains wouldn't soak through his jacket.

I was sitting on my bed watching TV, just like I always was, when Saki walked in with a bag in her hand.

"Hey," she said, sitting down next to me in her usual spot.

"Hi." I smiled. "Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas," she replied.

I picked up the small wrapped box that was sitting next to me and handed it to her. I'd been waiting all day to give it to her.

She sighed and took it. "Really? We're doing this again?"

I nodded. "It is customary to give a different gift every year."

"Smartass." She carefully unwrapped the box. "What makes you think I'll accept it?"

I grinned. "Well, I did get you to keep the one last year."

She glared at me for a moment before opening the flap on the top of the box and removing some tissue paper. She pulled out a mug that looked like a strawberry with a green handle and started laughing.

"This is adorable." She turned the mug around, examining it. "You're really good at gift giving. Thanks."

At least it was going better than last year. Maybe I could start testing my luck with birthdays.

I nodded. "Think of it as an early house warming gift."

"Do you mind if I keep it here for now?" she asked, finally looking away from the mug. "I don't want anything to happen to it."

I smiled. "Of course."

The fish. The mug. Just how bad did her mother get?

"I figured you might try something like this." She reached into the bag she'd brought in and handed me an unwrapped black, rectangular box.

I stared at the box in my hands bewildered. This was not part of my plan. "I didn't mean for you to get me anything."

She shrugged. "Yeah, well, I wanted to."

I opened the lid. It was a chef's knife. A pretty nice looking one too.

"Take it back." I shoved the box at her, but she pulled her hands away.

"That's not how gift giving works," she said in a mocking voice.

"What the hell, Saki?" I pulled the box back and stared at the knife. "I would have gotten you something nicer. I didn't think you'd accept it."

She chuckled. "I probably wouldn't have. Just be happy, alright? I didn't even give you anything last year. Plus, this knife is more for me than it is for you."

"How so?" I picked the knife up and tested the weight in my hand. I was really going to have to up my game next year.

"Because I'm going to make you use it to cook me all kinds of good stuff." She grinned.

I smiled and nodded. "Anything you want. We can start tonight. What do you feel like?"

"Hm." She tapped her chin with her finger. "A tempting offer, but I was thinking we could just grab something quick while we're out."

"We're going out?" I put the knife back in the box.

"Yep." She hopped up and spun around to face me. "I haven't been out to see the Christmas lights in years. So, how about it? Be my date?" She grinned and winked at me.

I knew she was just teasing, but it made my heart skip a beat anyway. I'm too easy.

"Of course." I smiled so big it made my face hurt.

We got bundled up in our coats and put on shoes. Saki still had the scarf I'd given her last year, which made me smile for probably the fifth time that night and we hadn't even left the house yet.

The air pricked at my face the minute we stepped outside. You could almost smell the cold.

We decided to start our light tour downtown, which was a good a place as any. Pale blue lights clung to the bare branches of the trees that lined the busy street. As we continued on to the pedestrian mall, it grew even more crowded. There were lots of couples out and about. It was the most romantic night of the year, after all. I was forced to walk closer to Saki so we wouldn't lose each other. I relished the excuse.

Long arches, in the shape of snowflakes, hung over the walkway of the mall connecting the buildings on either side with bright white light. Nearly every shop window we passed was decorated with lights. Saki seemed to marvel at it all, like she had never seen Christmas lights before. It was pretty fun to watch her.

When we came to the end of the mall, I spied a small pink crepe shop with several busy people hustling around inside.

"Hey, Saki," I said turning to her. "You hungry yet?"

She laughed. "Are you seriously asking me that question?"

I chuckled. "Yeah, I guess that was dumb. Come on." I jerked my head towards the crepe shop.

The wait in line took a while, but when I took a bite of that light, pillowy crepe filled with cream, topped with bananas and caramel, it was all worth it. Saki chose chocolate and strawberry for her topping, obviously. We ate while we made our way to the park, the next destination on our light tour.

"How is it?" I asked.

"Good. Want some?" She held the crepe in front of my face.

I took a bite. "That is good." I held out mine.

She chomped down on it.

"Jeeze," I said, feigning anger. "I meant have a bite, not eat a third of it."

She just smiled and continued to chew.

When we arrived at the park, we followed the winding path through the trees and bushes that were blanketed in different colored lights. The path eventually led through a large tunnel decorated with thousands of tiny blinking lights. It was almost like walking through stars. I let myself drift closer to Saki.

The final stop on our walk was the large Christmas tree in the middle of a plaza downtown. Nearly every inch was covered in lights that gave off a warm glow, looking almost golden. Crimson ornaments filled the areas without light, and the whole thing was topped off with a huge bright star that towered above our heads. Saki looked up at the tree with a giant smile on her face, which was pretty infectious.

As I was looking at her, wondering what it would take to get her smiling like that all the time, I felt something cold and wet hit my nose. Snow? I cast my eyes upwards to see millions of soft white flakes falling from the darkness. A few people in the crowd let out joyful gasps and pointed to the sky. It didn't snow here very often, and when it did it usually didn't last too long. So, when it happened, people tended to get excited, especially if it happened on Christmas.

Saki closed her eyes and stuck out her tongue like a little kid. She caught a snowflake on it and then looked over at me with a grin. My heart fluttered. I wanted to kiss her so badly in that moment. What would she do if I told her I loved her right then? Would she laugh in my face? Would her smile fade and her sad eyes return? Or maybe, would she accept my feelings and keep smiling?

I opened my mouth to speak.

"Kaito, is that you?"

Those words made my blood freeze. I'd recognize that voice anywhere. Izumo Yokota, my very first girlfriend, if you could call her that at all.

She'd let her hair grow out a little bit. It was past her shoulders now. She was wearing a very short and very tight red dress under her coat. It probably looked really good on her. She was still very pretty, with her high cheek bones and liberal application of makeup. I used to think she was the prettiest girl I'd ever seen, but now, not so much. I had a new definition of the word.

"Hey, Izumo." I waved awkwardly.

She giggled. "Oh, come on, don't be like that. You used to call me Yokota."

"Uh, yeah, sorry." I rubbed the back of my head.

"You're looking good," she said, stepping uncomfortably close to me. "You grew up a lot, huh?"

"I have?" I asked.

She nodded. "Mhm. You want to get a coffee somewhere and catch up?"

"Actually, I'm really busy right now," I said.

Yokota peered past me, as if she was just noticing Saki was there.

She smirked. "Oh, I see. Well we should definitely catch up sometime. You still have my number?"

I shook my head.

What was she playing at, anyway? In the first place, why ask that in front of Saki? She wasn't my date, not really, but Yokota couldn't have known that. Secondly, I couldn't believe for a second someone like Yokota had ever been single for more than a few days or weeks at a time, especially not dressed the way she was now. You don't dress like that to go for a walk by yourself.

And what was with the casual way of talking to me? Things had not ended well between us. Towards the end of our relationship, I'd finally seen her for what she was, but even so, I didn't want to let her go. I didn't want to admit the truth to myself. Yokota had slowly drifted away, contacting me less, making crappy excuses for reasons she couldn't see me. When I finally found the courage to call her out on it, she'd laughed and told me exactly how it was- "I like to break boys in. I was only playing around from the begging, but I'm bored now. You didn't think I actually cared about you, did you?"

That sort of messed me up for a while. I'm not sure if I can blame the entirety of my failing relationships or emotional numbness on Yokota, but she was certainly a factor.

My phone vibrated in my pocket. I took it out. It was a text from Yokota. It said, "Call me." with a winking face on the end.

"There you go," she purred. "Now you've got my number too."

Why? Why had she kept my number all this time? Did all her toys just exist forever in that little black book of hers so that she could mess with them again whenever she wanted?

"Oh, come on. What's with that look?" Yokota cupped my face in her hand. "We used to have a lot of fun together, didn't we?" She ran her finger down the side of my neck.

Saki's hand came up and smacked Yokota away by the wrist. She stepped between me and Yokota, forcing her to back up.

"Who the hell do you think you are?" Yokota hissed.

Saki folded her arms. "I'm his date, or hadn't you noticed?"

Yokota smirked and shrugged. "You're so short and plain looking. I guess you must have of blended into the background."

Saki scoffed. "That's alright. This upright position must be jarring for you, since you spend most of your time on your back."

"What did you say?" Yokota snarled and stepped towards Saki.

"I called you a slut," Saki said flatly. "Is your hearing as bad as your sight?"

All I could do was stare like an idiot. Yokota had a few inches on Saki, but Saki hadn't stepped back at all, not that I expected her to. I didn't think Yokota would be a pushover, but my money would be on Saki every time. I wasn't really looking forward to breaking those two up. I wondered at what point I was obligated to do so. Would I be a bad person for letting Saki get a few hits in first?

"You should be careful, little girl," Yokota said in a low voice. "I'll knock you on your ass."

"Try it then," Saki said, sounding completely unfazed. "I'll even let you have the first hit."

I guess that wasn't the reaction Yokota was expecting, because she backed up a step.

"What's wrong?" Saki took a step towards her and spread her arms open. "Go ahead."

Yokota clicked her tongue, turned on her heel, and walked away quickly.

Saki snorted and turned around to face me. "I thought so. People like her are always all talk."

"Saki, I..."

"Yeah. Yeah." She grabbed my arm and started dragging me away from the crowd of onlookers. Their performance had turned a few heads. "Save the 'thank you' for something worth thanking me for."

She released my arm after we left the plaza, but we kept walking until we came to another small park. This one hadn't put up any lights, so there was hardly anyone around. She finally stopped on a small wooden bridge and let out a deep breath. Despite the cold, I'd worked up a little bit of sweat following her at such a quick pace.

She leaned back with her arms spread against the railing, staring at the sky, letting the snow melt into her skin and hair. I would have liked to encourage her to go home with me and get dry. I didn't think to bring an umbrella, so we were both going to be soaked. I didn't want her to get sick, but I think the gentle trickle of the water and near silent sound of snowfall calmed her, and to be honest, I really wasn't in any hurry for the night to end.

"I thought the snow falling on the water might be pretty," she said, still staring at the sky. "But it's so dark. You can't really see anything."

"It's true the lamps don't provide much light," I said. "But I don't have any complaints about the view."

She laughed lightly and let her head fall to meet my gaze. "You're a cheese ball."

I shrugged. "You never know. Some women might find that endearing."

"I think that's true." She turned around to stare out into the dark. "Kaito, will you promise me something?"

I smiled. "Anything you want."

She turned her head to meet my eyes. "No matter how lonely you get, don't call Izumo. You can do so much better than her."

I don't know what finally broke me, the year of denying myself, the romantic night, those nice words she said to me, maybe all of those things. I couldn't hold it in anymore. I felt those familiar selfish urges creeping up under my skin, filling me up with want. My chest felt like it might explode if I didn't give in.

I stepped behind her and wrapped my arms around her, resting my cheek against the top of her head, giving into instant bliss.

Damn. Is that all my resolve was made of? Less than a year and I'd already caved? When had I become so weak?

"Getting kind of close today," Saki said softly.

"Any complaints?" I whispered.

"Not really." She relaxed in my arms. "I was freezing anyway."

Her hair felt wet and cold against my face, but I didn't care. I squeezed her tighter. I wasn't going to stop now. What would be the point? I'd already committed the sin, so I was going to soak as much out of it as possible.

I longed to prolong those minutes forever. We could stand there for eternity getting buried in snow. I suppose that might sound kind of morbid, but to me, it just sounded like the most serene thing in the world.

Unfortunately, I cannot freeze time, so eventually we were forced to walk back to my house. We stood outside my front door. I had walked to close to her the whole way home and I was standing much too close to her now.

"You know, you could just come in now, rather than sneaking in later," I said.

I fought to keep my hands at my sides, to keep from pushing the wet strands of hair from her face and behind her ear. From letting my fingers trace the outline of her chin and gently tilt it up so that my lips might meet hers. It was a battle I was very quickly loosing.

She smiled softly. "I don't think I'll come over tonight. It doesn't seem like a good idea."

I couldn't even argue. I really wasn't sure what I'd do if she came in. I wasn't myself at all, or maybe the real problem was, I was more myself now than I had been the whole year.

She left and I went to sleep feeling the worst I'd felt in a long time.

At Miyasoto's request, we all got together at her apartment for New Year's Eve. We were going to watch the first sunrise of the year together for luck. I didn't bother apologizing to Saki for Christmas. If you apologize for something, but keep doing it anyway, are you really sorry at all?

Saki didn't seem upset with me. She chatted normally with me, Hiromasa, and Miyasoto. I'd had time to recover my senses since my date with Saki and wasn't planning on doing anything stupid, like making declarations of love. I was keeping my distance again, being good Kaito again.

As it turns out, the roof of Miyasoto's apartment had quite the view, so we didn't even have to go anywhere to freeze our butts off just to watch the sunrise. It was true that Saki was talking to me and everyone else as she normally did, but something was still off. She seemed distant, like she was deep in thought about something. She was far away, just like she was the last year at the shrine. Was it a coincidence or was there something else to it? Was it simply because I'd done something stupid again?

I watched her as the sun crept over the horizon and the rays of orange sunlight touched that sad look on her face. It killed me inside. What did I have to do to get that carefree smile of hers back?