Lilly stood in front of the stage the Blackbox Theater in Gehenna, leaning back against the lip as she listened to Mystra and Lucifer discussing the best way to strengthen her spell. Three days recharging with the Mistress of Magic had brought Lilly back to her full strength, making her skin tingle as her nerves started to buzz. They’d agreed to keep the audience down to just the two of them, allowing her the freedom to speak her mind without the fear of being misinterpreted. It may have been a One-Act Play, but it was just the verbal component to the spell. She was still struggling with the idea of making it about Order and their past, but she knew she had to go through with it. She had to finish what she started. Then, she’d step back and let the shit hit the fan as it would.

She had nothing written as far as a script was concerned. Pretty much the entire play would be her chasing tangents and trying to figure out the whys behind it all, maybe discovering a few new angles to dissect, but it was her speak from the heart. And that was the point. Instead of holding onto the past, trying to explain why she was the way she was, she was going to leave it there in Gehenna for Order to find. If he chose to follow the path, he’d face Lucifer and Mystra before he reached the loft below the skylight in her office where she and Mystra had spent their time, instead of usurping Lucifer’s bed. There, Order would find the mirror where her book and his were being protected by her swarm.

There were always three sides to every story. His side, her side, and the truth. She’d leave the truth in Gehenna for him to find and make up his mind as to where he wanted to go from there. Pushing down the different choices he could make, Lilly focused more on what truly drove her. She’d always had a hard time finding the motivation to keep going, using unattainable goals to give her an ending point so far out of reach she had to fight to close the gap. She’d started so angry in the beginning, grinding her teeth and banging her fist to the beat of the war-drums. But it felt like running through quick-sand. Yeah, she was strong enough and stubborn enough to make it through. But by the end, she was exhausted. When she laid down to rest, getting back up got harder.

She needed to break the cycle of burning herself out to build a life she wasn’t even sure she wanted. She saw a world where the people she loved were safe. Love was what drove her. It was the source of her magic and the core of her essence. It didn’t matter what flavor or intensity she felt it. As long as she felt it. She would chase it across the cosmos, fight the end of all things to protect it. Order was just the focal point of it. The starting point. All other loves in her life were just the echoes of the love she’d learned from him, the indescribable feeling she tried so hard to define when the only one that came close was true. So, she had to leave the truth behind to survive on her own. Wipe the slate clean and start a new journey without the truth weighing her down.

Which there was one last thing she had to shed. Her immortality. She’d set up a cheat in the system to give her every advantage in life she could squeeze out of it. If she failed, she just started back over in Gehenna. Infinite lives on a singular loop as she learned from her mistakes to find her way without having to make them this time around. The only things she couldn’t change were the people. No matter how they came into her life or what roles they played, they always seemed to show up when she needed them the most and never before. She needed to trust in her ability to survive instead of trying to force her life to be what she wished it was. No more cheating.

Taking her pocket-watch out, she opened the back cover and used the tips of her claws to pull the pin holding her timeline in place out. As soon as it started to spin, she felt the cold shiver of dread run through her as she processed the existential crisis in an instant. She’d spent the last thirty-odd years believing that she was finite. Knowing her consciousness would be destroyed at the end of that life was as inevitable and terrifying as the idea of facing death as a mortal. So, she was already used to it. The only being powerful enough to keep it intact upon her death was Order. She’d thought if she just cheated long enough to find him, she’d convince him to help. But he wouldn’t come into her life until it was time for him to do so.

Closing the cover on her watch, she slipped it back into her pocket and decided to keep that decision to herself. Lucifer and Mystra would panic if she told them she’d decided to relinquish being a god in terms of life and power. By the time she’d bled off enough of her essence to maintain the spell without having to keep recasting it, she’d be no stronger than the average adventurer. She wasn’t sure what would happen in the physical world if she died, but she knew she wouldn’t see the aftermath. Like any other mortal, when she closed her eyes for the last time, that was the end.

Until then, she would enjoy the life she had left as a mortal with the consciousness of a god. At least it would make for some interesting conversations to pass the time as she ran out her clock. Filling her life by making connections with new friends, helping the gods when they needed it, and soaking in every sensation existence had to offer felt like a hell of a way to do it. She was done running at break-neck speed to try and accomplish everything as quickly as she could, using the hope of a break to motivate herself to keep going when she knew that even her breaks weren’t restful. She’d need to find places to hide so she could shut out the world and just forget the bigger picture; shut her mind down and just exist for a while. But, as long as either Mystra or Lucifer could find her, she knew she wouldn’t be alone and they wouldn’t let her stay a hermit too long.

“Petal?” Mystra said, bringing Lilly out of her head and the world around her back into focus. “You alright?”

“Yeah,” she said, taking a deep breath. “Just thinking.”

“About?” Lucifer asked.

“I think I’m going to make an ad or something,” she said, furrowing her brow as she mulled over the idea. “See if I can make some contacts in the Prime System.”

“Where did that come from?” Lucifer asked.

“I was just trying to figure out where to go from here,” she said, shifting as she crossed her arms over her chest and looked at her boots. “After all this is done.”

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Mystra asked, coming over to gently rub Lilly’s back.

“Not really,” she said with a mirthless chuckle. “Order has been at the center of everything I’ve done for so long, I’m not sure what to do if I’m not looking for him.”

“So, the ad?” Lucifer asked, standing on her other side and leaning against the stage.

“Trying to invite distractions so I don’t slip back into old habits,” she admitted. “The only thing I can think to put on it, though, is Chaos for Hire: Level Ten Artificer specializing in Bardic Spells (College of Eloquence, Lore, Whispers, and Swords). Currently working with the Traveler to map and label portals within Sigil.”

“Since when?” Lucifer asked, frowning at her.

“I haven’t told them yet,” Lilly said. “I was thinking about their project to map the cosmos and it feels like it could be more important to finish it than just killing time, you know?”

“How so?” Mystra asked, tilting her head slightly as she looked at her.

Lilly took a deep breath and shifted with a twitch as she felt like her skin was tightening uncomfortably. Both Lucifer and Mystra keyed in on the movement and looked at each other before moving to stand in front of her, staring at her intently.

“The nightmares have been getting worse,” she admitted. “I thought finding Order was the key to stopping whatever it is that’s causing them. But now I’m not so sure.”

“What have you been seeing?” they asked in unison.

“Nothingness,” she said. “I keep seeing the world around me fade into nothing and I’m standing there, helpless to stop it. I can’t hear your voices. I can’t feel you at all,” she says, immediately fighting the urge to cry as she remembered being cut off from them. Even in her head where it was just a dream, it was unbearable. “It’s gotten to the point where I don’t want to sleep anymore.”

Mystra looked at Lucifer, her eyes filled with a silent plea as she moved closer to Lilly and put a protective arm over her shoulders. The King of Gehenna pursed his lips as he stared at her, the muscle in his jaw jumping as he though in silence for a few moments before speaking seriously.

“What does mapping the cosmos have to do with it?” he asked, squaring his stance.

“Every time I have the nightmare, I try to assure myself that it’s just my subconscious manifesting my fear of isolation,” Lilly said, taking a deep breath. “It helps when I can run to you two and remember that, no matter where I am, I’ll be able to find you or at least some iteration thereof. But the part of my brain that’s constantly running worst-case scenarios burped up a little thought that shook me to my core. And I haven’t been able to shake it.”

“Which is?” Mystra asked.

“What if there’s a world where magic doesn’t exist and the gods have no power?” she asked, looking in her violet eyes and hating herself for even considering it. Mystra opened her mouth like she was going to respond before closing it again and looking back at Lucifer.

“So, why risk getting stuck in one of those worlds by labeling the portals in sigil?” Lucifer asked.

“I don’t know,” Lilly said honestly. “But it feels like that’s what I should be doing. I pulled the Two of Wands this morning when I got up. All-day, I’ve been considering my options as to where to go from here. I could go back to Feywild, but if it feels like, if I do, I’m not going to want to leave. And without a damned good reason, I won’t.”

“Not even to see me?” Lucifer asked with a mock pout.

“I’d rather summon you there so you can get away from Gehenna and relax for a while,” she said honestly. “Introduce you to Beldor and watch the drama of him wrestling with his morality over the gorgeous piece of man-meat that just walked through his door.” Lucifer snorted a chuckle and shook his head. “Or, better yet, watch you get flustered and start peacocking hard-core to save your ego if he decides you’re not his type and doesn’t respond to your temptations.”

“Not possible,” he said, raising an eyebrow.

“Case and point,” she said and Mystra chuckled. “I love you, Lucy, but you don’t handle rejection well at all.”

“Quiet you,” he said and she started genuinely chuckling.

“But my point is if I don’t at least have a reason to leave, like a job I need to do or something, if I go back to the Feywild, I’ll get stuck there,” she said. “I’ll end up back in the repeating cycle of introspection and depression, tearing myself apart for the inside out to figure out why I am the way I am. I’ll forget that I’m a mortal with the consciousness of a god. I may not be able to use traditional spells the way they were written, but I can adapt their concepts to a functioning machine. My pocket-watch,” she said, looking at Mystra.

“Plane Shift at a lower level than the traditional use,” she said begrudgingly. “Lower the level to only allow connections to planes with other portals instead of needing to be familiar with the destination is cheating, by the way.”

“I learned from the best,” she said, pointing her thumb at Lucifer.

“I knew you were the one that gave her that loop-hole,” Mystra said accusingly and Lucifer just smirked at her.

“He did,” Lilly chuckled, “but I was the one that added the gears to stabilize my movements in time with extra gears so that I didn’t keep popping up across different timelines.”

“Yes, but that’s Old One tech,” Mystra pointed out. “I have no control over that.”

“Can we get back on point, please?” Lucifer asked, rolling his eyes at them.

“You’re just mad I decided to go Artificer instead of cultist,” Lilly challenged.

“You start talking about me to your friends and no matter how hard you try, you’ll always be a cultist,” he pointed out. “Not that I mind,” he added with a smug grin.

“Why do you think I refer to you as Lucy so much?” she asked, smirking back at him.

“Because you’re a closeted lesbian that wishes I was female,” he said bluntly.

“You are so full of shit and you know it,” Lilly said. “Besides, why would I want you to be female when I’ve got this sensual siren of a goddess,” she asked, gently pawing at Mystra until the goddess wacked her hands away with a chuckle.

“Ok, my turn to call back on point,” Mystra said as Lilly pulled her in closer and wrapped her arms around the goddess’s waist. “We’ve got two hours until the Chaos Storms roll low enough in the sky to top of the fortress for you to drain your essence without passing out. The raw energy of the lightning should be enough to charge the air and keep you on your feet. But you have to be sure about what you are doing before we proceed. Otherwise, your magic could turn wild.”

“Babe, the only thing I’m sure about right now is that I want both of you in the loft with me for at least three days starting the minute we’re done,” she said flatly.

“That was already a given, sweetheart,” Lucifer said, pressing his lips to her temple as she grabbed the front of his tunic and pulled him close enough to wrap her arm around his waist as well. “But she’s right. If you go into this doubting, then all you’ll be doing is giving up your essence to fuel a spell no one will see unless they’re already in Gehenna.”

“Ugh,” Lilly groaned, letting them go and turning around to climb up onto the stage. “Fine,” she said, starting to pace back and forth. “I may not know what I want to do when all of this is over, and I may be struggling with the idea of letting go of Order completely because he’s been such a big part of who I am for so long. But I am sure that this is the best path to take,” she said, blowing out a breath. “I know Order will come into my life,” she said, calm settling over her at the truth of the thought. “He’s always been there, whispering in my mind, pulling me to my feet when all I want to do is give up. I fell in love with you both because, if every other soul in existence is an echo of us two, you are echoes of him as close as I have gotten to the original,” she said as the sensation of another point clicking into place resonated in her soul. “Which means the original can’t be a part of my life as long as I’m holding onto his spirit. I will forever feel detached from something important, always wondering where I’m supposed to be, wondering why I can’t seem to find someone without knowing who they are,” she said as her eyes went misty under the weight of the final aha moment. “Holding onto his idea is what’s been holding me back. Order is what’s been so heavy I can’t let go.”

Lilly stopped her pacing as her knees went weak and she stumbled to the stage with a loud thump. Instantly, Lucifer and Mystra were there at her sides, but they paused. They were giving her the chance to process what she was feeling enough to explain it without making her feel trapped. Taking a deep, shaking breath, she lifted her head.

“I’m ok,” she said. “I’m getting faster on the upswing,” she told them as she wiped the moisture from her face and sat with her arms resting on her knees. “It’s just realizing that three things flashed through my head. First was the anger that comes with feeling like someone else is to blame. The second was the guilt of realizing it’s not his fault. And third, was the question of what will happen to him if I let go? If I’m the only thing keeping him from falling now when I’m not there to physically hold onto him, what’s going to happen to him if me letting go causes him to spiral?”

“Then he’d better pay the fuck attention to the path you are laying out for him,” Mystra said in a tone that brooked no argument.

“But what if,” she started and Lucifer interrupted.

“What if he’s too fucking weak to recognize that he needs your help before he goes too deep?” he asked in a challenging tone that almost sounded offended.

“I never said that,” she said. “I know he’s not weak. He’s a god in mortal skin,” she said, the clicking tingles continuing as she felt the truth being spoken.

“Which means Order is a big boy and can take care of himself,” he said firmly. “Look, I know you’re worried because you love him. But if he’s what’s been bringing you down into those dark places in your head, I’ll kill him myself to stop it.”

“Stop,” Lilly said as her gut twisted.

“Then let him go,” Lucifer said seriously through his teeth.

Lilly took a deep breath and held it, letting all of the fears bleed away before nodding slightly at Mystra. Holding her hand up in front of Lilly’s pursed lips to catch and gather her essence as she exhaled, letting go of everything that connected her to Order in on, slow, painful breath that left her dizzy and drained. With a wince, she rubbed her fist to her chest and fought the sudden onslaught of grief that flooded into the space left behind. She couldn’t stop the few drops of moisture that fell from her eyes, but she was able to stop them rather quickly.

“You ok?” Lucifer asked, kneeling beside her.

“Yeah,” she said. “The world just seems a little bit dimmer,” she said in a tired voice.

“It’s ok if you want to go rest for a bit,” Mystra told her, holding the bright blue flame between her hands and close to her chest. “We still have some time before I need your verbal component to shape the spell.”

“How about you and I go up to the loft and medicate for a bit,” Lucifer offered. “We’ll go over what you want to say. That way, if you start getting too far off-topic, I can whisper to you from backstage to remind you.”

“Are you offering to be my director?” she asked with a chuckle.

“You’ve gotten pretty good at directing yourself,” he said. “But yes,” he added. “This once.”

“I promise,” she said with a small smile. “The only time I will ask you to do it is when I’m on stage. And considering I’d rather write than act because at least then I don’t have to be on stage, I doubt that will ever be a thing.”

“I’ll be in the audience,” Mystra promised. “I’ll have this in the seat next to me so you can see where I am when the lights go out. Just let me know when you’re ready. Until then, I’ll be on the roof.”

Lilly nodded as Lucifer got to his feet and helped her up. Stopping to kiss Mystra, resting her forehead against the goddess’s before kissing her again and turning to take Lucifer’s hand. Letting him lead, she followed her Guardian Angel backstage and up the spiral staircase that led to her loft. Coming out through the curved door into the open expanse that housed a small pit of overstuffed, soft pillows she used as a bed, Lilly immediately walked over to the edge and fell backward into it making Lucifer chuckle a bit as he closed the door.

“Feel better?” he asked.

“A little,” she admitted as he grabbed her box of herbs of one off the many bookshelves along with her pipe and joined her.

The spent the next two hours passing the pipe back and forth with the feet in opposite directions and their heads on each other’s shoulder, talking about everything that had happened since he’d dared her to write her life as a play. It felt like a lifetime ago, though it had barely been a month.

“It kinda figures my life up to this point could be crammed into a One Act,” she said around a mouthful of smoke at one point before handing the pipe back to Lucifer.

“Why’s that?” he asked.

“Because, if his life is equal and opposite to my own, I can guarantee Order’s would be an epic fucking story,” she said.

She must have nodded off at some point while they were hanging out because she woke up to Lucifer running his finger gently down her nose in an attempt to wake her.

“Hey,” he whispered as she blinked her eyes open slowly. “It’s time.”