Sasha slammed the last of the elven priests face-first into the wall, and then dropped his collar and stepped up to the altar. There, embedded in the stone nearly to the hilt, was the treasure she had come to claim.

She activated her once-per-day Rogue ability, Thief’s Resilience, tripling her resistances and defenses for five seconds, and then grabbed the greatsword’s hilt with both hands and began to pull. A shockwave of force slammed through Sasha, easily bypassing her enhanced saving throw and searing her flesh and bone with divine energy. Even with her tripled Holy Damage Resistance, Sasha screamed as her health plummeted. She strained against the sword, every muscle taut, pouring her anguish into a Barbarian Rage, and with one final roar the blade came free.

The altar shattered, pelting Sasha with shrapnel, but she didn't care. She leaned against the wall, breathing hard and shaking, staring at the 7% health she still had remaining. Sasha summoned a Potion of Cure Heavy Wounds from her Bag of Holding, quaffed it down, and then examined the greatsword she had won.

Elfrist, the Fae-Cleaver. Runes glowed on its pitted iron surface, and the blade itself shone red as Sasha turned to the one priest she had left alive, the one now trying to play dead. It was in a lot of pain from its four broken limbs, so it whimpered more than corpses tended to. Sasha stalked over to the priest and grabbed him by the arm. She hauled him across the temple, ignoring his screams of pain, and threw him up onto one of the stone tables that surrounded the altar.

“We have a saying where I come from,” Sasha said, holding Elfrist close to the shuddering priest’s face. Its glow brightened as it neared the creature. “Anything’s a dildo, if you're brave enough. And you look like a pretty brave guy.” She banished Elfrist to her Bag of Holding, swapping it out for a handful of long, thick needles. Sasha began to scrape the tip of one of these against the tabletop right next to the elf’s face, dulling the tip. “But first… I'm gonna do this bit just because it’s fun. After we have our little acupuncture session, you and I can discuss the location of the Elvish Conclave. The manner of our discussion will determine whether you get my blade across your neck or up your pooper.”

“Oh daddy,” the priest moaned, which Sasha thought was a little odd. She placed her needle against the priest’s flesh, and with careful technique began to apply pressure.

***

Sasha stormed out of the temple, furiously wiping mixed bodily fluids from her face. She summoned her magic scrying orb, and sent a call to the Dark Lord.

He answered on the third ring, and raised his evil eyebrows as he saw Sasha’s condition. “Oh my me, I told you to fuck those elves up, not to fellate them until they jizz blood.”

“I didn't!” she growled, wiping semen from her left eyebrow. “Those elves must think they're so fucking clever, entrusting their secrets to a bunch of fucking masochists. I worked that cunt for two hours and he just kept calling me daddy. And I'm about seventy percent sure he drank a Potion of Horse Balls when I wasn't looking.”

The Dark Lord have her a peculiar look. “I thought you were familiar with elves. You said you had them in your home world.”

Well, she'd seen Lord of the Rings. For some reason Sasha hadn't pictured Legolas having nipple rings and a tattooed taint. “They're different in my world. Graceful. Pure.”

“Yeah, well these elves are degenerate sex fiends. You really can't torture them for information.”

Sasha rolled her eyes. “Fine. What should I do now, then?”

“Run through some woods or something. When elves are nearby, Elfrist will point the way.” The Dark Lord smiled in a way Sasha was still learning to imitate. “I think you know what comes next.”

Sasha dismissed the orb, wiped a bit of dried blood from the corner of her eye, and headed north. Being an evil bitch definitely beat trying to make everyone in her life think she was a kind-hearted thot bound for a shitty career in Marine Biology, but sometimes Sasha hated this world.