Any day now Susanna will be back, I know she will. All her friends have gone on their Rumspringa and all have returned. bringing with them tales of personal phones, doing anything you can imagine. Not just making calls. All of them fascinated by them, but wary of the effects. No one looks at you, no one talks to each other. No one does anything but stare at these phones. Some even plug them directly into their ears. That's what they all say when they return. Susanna confided in me her mixed emotions about this.

"it's not like when our elders had gone. my Mother told me about when she had gone. they had mechanical boxes you could read on, but connected to the whole world. you could read anything you wanted. it even had pictures and sound. it's sounds a lot like what they have now but it was kept in one spot of the house. shared by the whole family. that doesn't sound too bad. not like now, now you take the box with you everywhere you go. I admit it sounds nice, I like the idea of being able to read anything I want in an instant, but that's what scares me. as a little girl I thought there was nothing out there for me. now, I can't help but be intrigued, and what if I become just like the rest of them. one week is not such a long time. but from the tales of some of the older girls it was not a long time for the rest of the world to become so engrossed. Perhaps I will return a few days early if I feel I'm starting to change. Or perhaps the whole thing has been exaggerated and people are still people."

She had said all this to me last Sunday at the youth singing, before leaving on Monday morning. I pray she will come back early. Even just a day, because this Sundays youth singing is when I plan on asking her to be my wife. If I must wait another week I will. The youth singing's are a lot of fun, But at eighteen we are getting a bit old for them. I would have given it up years ago and wed her if I had not been waiting for her to take the Rumspringa. She always delayed in going though. Waited until she was the last in her group of friends. And so having been waiting for years I am too anxious to wait even one more week.

As much as I look forward to our future together. I feel our lives would not change very much. We would of course spend more time together, and I wouldn't mind having a Jeb or Jacob running around. I'd even have a Hannah if I had to. At the end of the day though. The routine would be the same. Wake up, tend the fields, tend the animals, tend the home. Do not misunderstand, I enjoy the routine. Save for one part, I'm sick of shaving.

As an Amish male, it is customary in my community that beards are for married men only, and all married men must have beards. Every day I cut my face, I have no idea what I am doing wrong. Others can drag a blade around their faces with ease. Not me, I try and avoid it, even just skipping every other day. There are men that can grow in a day what I can in two. surely that would mean I should only need to shave it half as often. My Dad would not hear of it. Every time I've tried

"Levi, You're Stubble is getting awfully long, you get married and not tell us?" eventually with the addition of

"Go shave before the lord sees you like that." A bit more anger in his voice each time he says it, I fear the day he drops the first half.

Soon none of that will matter though. Just three more days, I tell myself over and over. Trying my best to ignore the reality that it could be ten days, or that she says no. I shake these thoughts from my head. Thankful it's the time of harvest. The busiest time of year by far I will have much to keep my mind preoccupied. pass the time and prevent me from getting too excited, or at least showing it. If anyone asks why I keep smiling I can simply say the harvest and no one would be any the wiser. I know I should not lie. Normally I would not, but I believe it can be justified if as a means to not ruin a surprise.

Scythe in hand I get to work, endless hours of slashing and bundling. Load the Wheat onto my Dad's waiting buggy so he can take it to the barn for storage. Dusk to dawn and a little beyond I toil. My work is not done, but the day is. One day down two to go. I head home looking forward to the fresh bread I know my mother will make, and a good nights rest.

The next day I'm back in the field swinging away, letting myself get lost in the work. Broken from my trance by

"Levi!" Father Yoder yells, he's one of our ministers. though we do have a few, the others are getting older. Leaving Father Yoder to be by far the most active.

"You should watch where you swing that, nearly cost me a leg"

"Oh, I...Sorry"

"Oh that is alright, I should not have been sneaking up on you in a tall wheat field like that. Suppose I was asking for an injury that way." he pauses for a moment. not sure if I was expected to reply or not so I just give a nod.

"Levi, I came to talk to you." I nod again

"see how you are fairing" Yoder has never spoken this much to me, rarely speaks to any of the younger members of our community. He'll speak to the children in groups, sermons and little classes he's put together specifically for the children. But seldom anything but a lecture, and never one on one.

I start to worry, does he know about my plans for Sunday? That would mean he sees me as an adult finally, but how did he find out. Or does he think I'm getting to old to still be single and he's concerned about that. I could never ask him any of this directly so I reply

"I'm doing well Father"

"Wonderful, and the harvest? Treating you well I trust, it is very hard work."

"Yes Father, it is hard work indeed, I do enjoy it"

"As you should Levi, though I do fear you may not be entirely sincere. In years past you were often one to hide during harvest. If found, which was never difficult as you were usually in hiding in the same tree each year, you would claim you were stuck in the tree. Afraid you may fall out if you tried to climb down. Though we had all seen you many a time climbing up and down quite unafraid."

"I was young then Father, forgive my past foolishness, I honestly do enjoy it now. I even look forward to it, gives me a sense of purpose."

"Well I am glad to hear it, you know, hard work brings us closer to god. I do have others to see Levi, So I will not keep you from your duties any longer."

"Thank you Father"

He begins to walk away, but turns around to face me again

"Oh, and please do keep Susanna in your prayers tonight, She's not feeling too well."

"What do you mean?" It is not my place to ask, nor be so direct. In my shock I had spoken without thinking. Yoder let that go without incident and explained.

"Susanna returned very early this morning. She has fallen terribly ill while out."

I did not say anything, I could not say anything. I just watched as he walked away. Fully knowing he knew more. Fully knowing he would not tell me more. I want to drop everything and go see her, but I have no excuse. I will be busy straight through to Sunday. She likely would not want to take visitors right now anyways. I will talk to Ma tonight and see if she has any more information. She usually knows everything that goes on. Since there is nothing I can do until I have cleared this crop. I try to focus on the work.

By the time I'm done for the day and head home for a late dinner before going to bed. I have come up with a plan to suggest taking over a care basket. Ma will have already eaten, but I know she will sit with me while I eat. Luckily Dad has already eaten and retired to his bed for the night. Which gives me a chance to ask Ma is she knows any details about how Susanna is feeling. Dad does not approve of gossip and Ma agrees. But she will make excuses.

"How can I pray for someone if I do not know what I am praying for."

She tells me she does not know much. only

"Susanna had returned in the middle of the night. before the sun rise and was found collapsed on the door step by her mother this morning. Who says she has barely spoken a word since then."

I try to hide how distressed I am and quickly bring up the basket. Ma agrees, mostly fresh bread of course as the only wheat growers in the community it is a staple of all our baskets. After I insist I take it over myself. Ma is no doubt suspicious as to why she would not just take it over herself. Especially since I already have such a busy day ahead, but does not press the issue. I am fairly sure she knows how I feel about Susanna. We have never talked about it, but I do believe she knows.

The night passes and I do not sleep at all. Worrying myself sick about Susanna. People fall ill all the time, but not being able to assess it for myself. Having her tell me she is fine. And that it's just a cold. Not being there for her. That is what makes it so difficult. For hours my mind is getting carried away with worst case scenarios. So I decide to get up before the sun. Putting all my anxiety into my work. Slashing away in the dark. I believe I will make short work of this field. It will not taking me far into the afternoon.

A little late for lunch and entirely exhausted I return home. Surprised to see both parents still sitting at the table. It seems Dad is getting fairly sore and needs an extended lunch break. I grab a bowl of stew waiting for me on the stove, then sit at the table.

"Well, I am all done" shocked and impressed both my parents congratulated me.

“Did not think you could get it done so fast. good work ethic on you kid. That is fantastic, finish your lunch and you can help me out in the barn. Still need to trim, process, re-bundle and store what's left. About halfway done, with the two of us working on it. We should be done before it gets too dark.”

“I...” I could not say no, I could not explain why I did not sleep.

“I would like that, I will be out shortly” Then Ma chimed in.

“Just a minute there, I need Levi to take that basket over to Susanna’s house. Poor girls gotten very ill, and I am sure her mother is far too busy tending to her to fuss with dinner. So I am sending over a meat pie and some bread.”

I'm sure Dad wanted to ask why she couldn't just take the basket over herself, but he wouldn't. I'm sure Ma knew that. And I am sure I wanted to say thank you, but I couldn't. So

“Okay Ma, I’ll take care of that as soon as I’m done lunch.” Came out instead. I then ate faster than I ever had before. And earned myself quite the stomach ache in doing so.

Basket in hand I was nearly out the door when.

“ Wait, your Father and I had let it slide the last few days what with you working in the field and all. But you know we can't let you go out like that. You need to go shave first.”

I had completely forgotten. My mind so preoccupied, it was not just my regular aversion to razors this time.

"Of course Ma, thank you for reminding me"

Freshly shaven and on my way, the community seems so quiet. Not a soul in sight, so to speak. Everybody toiling away no doubt. Busiest few days of the year by far. But well worth the effort. I knock on the door and Susanna’s Mother answers. "Oh, hello Levi, what brings you here?"

"My Mother sent me over to give you this basket. We heard Susanna's fallen ill and would like you to know she is in our prayers. And that we would be happy to help in any way we can."

"Well that is very sweet of you, thank your Mother for me."

She began to close the door. Unusual since she is typically so welcoming and chatty. I had been expecting to be invited in for tea.

"Could I possibly see her?"

slipped out just before the door fully closed. I know it wasn't the right thing to say. So forward, but it just came out.

"Sorry, Susanna is not taking visitors right now, she has been in and out of sleep all day"

"GRAAAAHHHAAA" A guttural scream comes from the top of the stairs as the door slams in my face.

The tree I would often hide in when I was younger is right in front of Susanna's house. Being a pine tree it is not an easy climb. When I was young and small I could easily fit through the branches and needles. Now it would be nearly impossible. One of the branches reaches out near Susanna's window. I used to sit there for hours as we would talk. It's a well covered branch. A few smaller branches above droop down covering the sides from view. I was only ever spotted because Susanna would have her head sticking out the window talking to a tree.

I desperately want to climb back up and see her. Unsure if the branch would even hold my weight anymore, and confident Susanna's mother will be by her side there's no way I'm going to risk it right now. Even if I did run the risk there's still the issue of me having not slept yet. I may get up very early in the morning and come back. But for now I need to go help Dad process the wheat. There's been a lot of wanting to do one thing, but needing to do another lately.

In the barn we worked away for hours and Dad could see I was slipping. My head dropping as I nodded off, catching myself and jolting awake just before falling over entirely.

"Falling asleep there son?"

"Yes Dad, I guess I did not sleep well last night"

"I know you were up before dawn working out there. I understand entirely, I was like that too when I was your age. Just want to get out there and really get working at it. I would not hold it against you if you wanted to run off to bed. I can finish late tonight."

I agree and help him for another hour or so, waiting at least until it starts to get dark out before heading to bed.

I sleep for maybe five hours before waking up. The sound of that scream repeating in my mind. I decide I'll come back to bed, but first I have to go and try too see her. I am not sure how Dad knew I was out so early yesterday. Maybe he heard me going out. Or maybe he just guessed by seeing how tired I was. And having done the same thing when he was younger. Regardless, I use extra caution, not lifting my feet as I walk. And taking care to avoid steps three and eight on my way down the staircase, as those are known to squeak. Even Climbing out the kitchen window so they don't hear the door.

Once outside its a short walk to Susanna's house. I have to drop on the ground and crawl under the branches towards the middle of the tree. Its mostly open inside and there's enough space to stand up. I haven't climbed it in years. But I still remember every branch. Which are safe, which are not. I'm larger now, that makes things rather difficult. Some of my once trusted branches start to squeak and crack. Some are already gone entirely. I go slowly, wincing at every creek. I'd break off a few of these branches if I had the luxury of making a sound. Instead I endure, covered in scratches but nearing my goal.

As I hoist myself up to the branch by her window I see the glow of some candle burning in her room. Grateful its lit I realize, if it hadn't been I wouldn't be able to see anything. Which would have completely wasted my time. I make a mental note to not let myself get so carried in the future and come more prepared. Sitting right where I use too, I encounter a small problem. A branch that once sat just above my head is now directly in my face. Aside from it being uncomfortable, it entirely blocks my line of sight. Making it impossible to see. I try and stand, holding the branch that was in my face for support. And lean forward past it after getting my footing. the branch not thick enough to resist my weight sways. I steady myself and it turns out to be a much better vantage then I've ever had before. If it were brighter out anyone walking past would see my head sticking out beyond the tree nearly pressed against the window.

Susanna looks cold, pale, and weak. She's always been pale but not like this, there was colour in her cheeks. Now she looks almost grey. Her skin loose and sagging, eyes sunken, like she's aged 40 years in a week. She's propped up, practically sitting upright, faced towards the window. Her eyes appear to be open. Its hard to make out details but she seems to be looking directly at me, not moving. She's giving no sign that shes noticed me at all. No signs she's even alive save for the very slight yet rhythmic rise and fall of her hands folded over her stomach as she breathes.

Oddest of all is the vomit on her lap, Her hands nearly sitting directly in it. A silverish pool of it rests on her blanket. I've never seen vomit in such a colour. Perhaps some medicine she took dyed it silver, but the strangest thing about it is the way it reflects the light. Not only shining but seemingly amplifying it. Almost as if its making the candle, and whole room, shine much brighter then it should.

Leaning back and standing upright again, I reach out to lightly tap on the window. Trying to see if shes awake and simply hasn't noticed me. The branch sways lurching me forward and smashing my hand into the window much harder than I had intended. I jerk back instinctively. The branch snaps. Susanna Lets out the same painful, gurgling scream as before as I fall.

Feeling like I've broken, or at least sprained something, I run. I run fast and I run far. If anyone saw me falling from that tree there would be questions. Questions I can't answer. And it goes without say that sneaking out at night and peering through girls windows is a guaranteed way to get barred from the community. On the off chance that anyone did catch a glimpse of a falling figure, I don't run directly to my house. Instead heading straight to the woods. Any trail would be lost there. I will come back out behind the barn and sneak back in through the kitchen window. Any fractured bones will need to heal on their own. As far as anyone is concerned I went to bed 6 hours ago. And I stayed there until the sun came up.