My alarm clock blast through my ears. My eyes pop open with shock, I groan trying to wipe the sleep out of my eyes. Groggily standing up I made my way to the bathroom. I switched the shower on and put it on the hottest temperature. There is no other way to take a shower without scolding hot water.

I undress and quickly got in to protect myself from the coldness of the bathroom. I sigh as the water flowed over my head. My muscles relax.

I started thinking about my life.

Well to start I'm bisexual. That's that.

Summer vacation is finally over. Today is the first day of high school after. This is my senior year on school and I'm absolutely dreading this year.

I hate school, everyone does. But I hated it because it became like a punishment.I guess that happen when you bullied by almost everyone, every single day. School was just another punishment then i already have.

To the insulting and shaming, my self esteem became pretty low. I have so many marks on my body from all the beatings I've received. From it being black and blue or even to the point of getting beaten bloody.

I never wanted to show them the effect they had on me but each day it got harder and harder not to cry. I honestly don't know much I can take.

I hate it so much.

I feel like I'm losing this battle and I know I am.

People always say 'it gets better, just be patient' but there is always so much a person can take.

I've hurt myself and I know my parents would be disappointed. Self-harming has become a escape for me. I know it's mental but I've indulge in it since I had done it the first time.

I know people say 'go talk to someone, blah blah blah' but just talking to someone is not that easy and not having anyone to talk to on a daily basis makes it more harder to communicate to a mere stranger.

My eyes got clouded with tears. It's so ridiculous. I finally snapped out of my thoughts as the water began to get cold.

I quickly washed myself and dried myself off. Walking towards the mirror in the toilet, I stood in front and I took my hand and wiped the fog away.

I look at myself and saw a lifeless girl with pale skin and dark eye bags, cuts on her arms, fading bruises on her body and a self hatred for herself.

Tw: self-harm!!

Something that always go through my mind is...

Why can't I be perfect?'

'Why cant I look like a model?'

'Why can't I be pretty?

It become a daily reminder to stand in front of the mirror and compare myself to social media girls.

A sob rake through my body. My head buzzing with the familiar hateful thoughts..

'No one love you' 'why don't you cut yourself ' 'why don't you just die' 'no one love you '

I slide my hands over my ears.' It's not real, Eva'. I stumble back to the wall a slide down as the thoughts became louder.

"Please stop." I begged as tears began to roll down my eyes.

"Cut yourself" they chanted.

"No please stop it " I cried.

"Do it. Do it. Do it. " they shouted getting louder.

"Leave me alone. Go away. "

"Never."they screamed.

Pulling my hair with frustration I scrambled to the draw and grabbed my blade out. With trembling hands, I took it with no hesitation and slide it down on my wrists. Everything felt slowed down. I watched as the blood trickles slowly before it began to pour out of my wrists.

I just stared and slump against the wall. I felt numb. I felt like I'm stuck in a body I don't have control over.

This became my reason to hurt myself. The numbness. It became like a drug to me.

More tears began to flow out of my eyes. I watch in fascination how my tears began to mix with my blood. How the stinging sensation got stronger. It's so twisted in a messed up way.

My alarm clock rang again, I made my alarm rang twice for situations like this. I stood up and quickly balanced myself on the wall. The blood loss made me feel woozy. I slowly made my way to the draw up my cuts and wrapped it in bandages. Th washed my blade out and slowly put it back.

I looked at myself in the mirror my nose red from sniffing, my eyes red and face blotchy from crying. I open the tap and bend down to wash my face. I pat myself my face before walking out of the bathroom like nothing ever happen.

That was something I was good at.

I walked to my closet and took out my grey hoodie and sweatpants. I matched it up with a pair of white converse. No use in trying.

Sighing I went to my vanity and did my skincare routine and dried my hair.

Done with everything I made my way downstairs and made myself some toast with strawberry jam on.

Since my parents died, this house became empty and quiet. A deafening silence.

Both my parents were lawyers. Even though both of them we're not always home, they always made time for me. They we're my everything. I miss them each and everyday.

I will always be grateful and thankful for them.

But like every child, that one question always lingered, 'Why did you take them away from me god?'

No child want to lose their parent.

Since loosing them I tried to somehow make friends but that never worked out. I wanted a relationship but have social anxiety makes me freeze up and not having the guts to communicate.

I want to give it a try, but im just scared of rejection. I don't think I can hardly more disappointments and getting my heart completely shattered.

I ate my breakfast done, got my backpack and walked out of the house.

Even though i have a car, i prefer to walk somedays and just get myself to calm down and forget about everything for a few minutes.

Making sure I locked everything, I made my journey to school. Taking out my phone I put in earphones and listen to music. It helped calm my nerves walking amongst people.

Stopping in front of big gates. I took out my earphones and looked up at the sign that said 'Rosewood High School'

"Welcome to hell hole Eva." I muttered to myself.

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