I was lucky enough to have the entire weekend to mourn the loss of what never was. I let my tears turn into waterfalls and let my friends hold me in silence.

They still disagreed over what I should do next. Mali thinks I should forgive him while Emma thinks otherwise. In the end, however, Emma was right.

This was the final straw. I'm done crying over him and hurting over him. My heart has no idea what it wants. It's unstable and doesn't full understand that were are other better men out there.

For now, my mind was in charge while my heart locked itself away to mourn. My mind was set on ignoring Jaxon the entire day and focusing on finishing up the school year problem free.

But when was that ever an option in high school?

*

There was weird tight-loose feeling in my chest by the time last period rolled around. I hadn't seen Jaxon all day and it made me feel relieved and slightly disappointed at the same time.

I sat on my desk with the nth sigh of the day. The day was almost over and everything had gone smoothly so far. Right now, the teacher was talking about one last project for us to do before the school year would be over again.

It was a partnered project and I didn't know anyone in the class, so I kept silent. I'd be fine with whoever was left. That's why I got up to my teacher at the end of the class and asked about my partner.

"It's me." A dried husky voice spoke up from the doorway before my teacher could respond.

I tensed up and closed my eyes.

'It was just me imagining things. This is just part of the whole grieving thing.' I foolishly thought to myself.

But I wasn't. I turned my head and saw Jaxon there in a huge hoodie and jeans looking like he was dead where he stood. My mind was blurred from reality and imagination as I took him in.

His eyes looked to be as puffy and red as mine were when I had no makeup but he had the addition of dark under eyes to complete his look. His hair was oily and stuck up all kinds of ways and his hoodie looked dirty with stains.

I couldn't look away even as the teacher confirmed that Jaxon was the only one left without a partner. I had to blink repeatedly to make sure it was him that was looking back at me with blank emotionless eyes.

Everything blurred in my head from what happened next, but I next found myself being pulled back onto a sidewalk -barely missing the honk and yell coming from a zooming car.

My breathing was fast, but I don't remember whether it was because of the car, the run, or Jaxon. I had tumbled onto a touch that was so painfully familiar that it burned underneath my skin.

"I know you hate me, but you don't just go running into traffic, you idiot." His voice rumbled underneath his breath

"Get away from me." I managed to let out

"I can't do that. I really...I need to talk to you. Properly."

"Please, Jaxon, I can't look at you right now." I was already crying. Why have I wasted so much tears on this man?

"Harley...Please, hear me out. One last. Hear me out one last time." He was begging. Did Jaxon ever beg? I don't think I've ever heard him so desperate.

And I don't think I've ever been so tired. My body ached and slumped over in his arms. He held me close and silently- taking me...somewhere. I don't know anymore.

...

What I did know is that I woke up once more feeling like I got the best sleep in a while. I wonder if it had something to do with Jaxon sitting next to me- the familiar feeling of him lulling me into a sense of safety that made me think everything was okay again. I don't know how to feel about being so well rested while he looks like he's been stressing until the sun went down.

"Hey." I finally spoke up first

It was kinda amusing. Seeing the man I called "ass", the man who hurt me, the man I cried over so many days- seeing him jump and panic at a simple "hey" felt...funny in a way.

"Hi." He mumbled and breathed in deeply "Can...Can we talk now? Are you still sleepy? We can-"

"Talk while I'm still too lazy to get out of bed."

I don't know. I don't know what I was feeling when I said those words.

"I'm sorry. I know what I said was horrible. I'm horrible. I have a horrible personality and I've hurt you so many times, but despite that...Despite that, I still can't help how I feel. I love you. I love you in a horrible way. A way that I know is so bad for you. It's toxic and a clear red flag, but I...I'm in love with you. I want to be with you. I want to hold you, kiss you, and do so much more. I tried to push you away. I hoped you would push me away, but...I can't. I can't give up on you or let you walk out of my life. It's horrible, I'm sorry, but I-"

"I love you too."

"I know you do, but-" he stopped and looked at me like I was crazy. Maybe I am. Maybe all my emotions are fried and I've gone insane making this choice, but...I just wanted to stop hurting. It was time to accept why this- why he hurts me so much.

"What do you mean? Don't you hate me?" He asked and looked so flustered.

"I'm tired." I laid back down and stared at the ceiling "I've been stressing over you and us and everything for ages. But...why? If I hated it so much...If I hate you so much, then why can't I leave you? Why do I still want you near and why do I still want to remember that kiss over and over again? I think..."

I looked at him who looked so confused and full of mixed emotions. Yeah. Who said love made sense? Love destroys you as much as it brings you up. It was the sharpest double edged sword that humans could develop. One one end, he made me feel strong, special, and just good. On the other end, he hurt me so many times. It was bad, he was bad, but he was who I wanted.

And who am I to deny what my heart wants?

"I think I'm in love with you. I think we should start over. I think we should, just this once, put everything that happened behind and start from a better place. I think I don't want to talk about the pain anymore. I just want you. I want us. I want to feel loved. Can you do that for me?"

And the way he cried with his face turning all ugly and wet with salty tears, it made me feel more secure in my decision. I think it's fine to be so reckless, right? Love isn't without its troubles and pain and even toxicity.

"I love you. I really really love you too. I'm so terribly in love with you. I have been for a while now." He cried as he kissed me and it tasted like salt, but it was somehow more bitter sweet like a dark chocolate.

"If you love me, then shut up and love me." I mumbled softly and pulled him in close so he, too, can fall so deep into this that crawling back out would be hard to do.

.

.

.

When dawn of the next day arrived, we both had about a hundred missed calls on my phone from all our friends combined. We didn't notice until later though because of the clothes strewn across the floor.

He held me close like he was afraid I'd leave, but gentle enough like he was afraid I'd break. All through the night he was like this- kissing me gently and sweetly with a touch of apology. He took extra care of me until I was ready for more.

One day, I might come to regret this. I might despise myself and wonder how on earth I could fall for this man and give him all of me. I might end up getting my heart absolutely shattered.

Or I could be the happiest I've ever been. I could thank myself for just choosing to be impulsive on this day. I could be married to him with lovely children. I could be buried next to him after dying right next to him.

Who knows? Love can never be confined into one specific thing. In fact, no one can ever truly know what love is. That's just how it is.

————

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