I didn't know what to expect after the break up. Besides the hurt, tears, shame, and chocolate, I didn't know what to do next. Tyler said that I can go be with Jaxon now -admit my feelings and live happily ever after and what not. It seemed like a good idea if not for the fact that I can't look at him and feel...wrong.

I can't look at him and not feel this disgust and anger. He's confusing and it makes me so damn angry. Here he comes barging into my life and is an ass one minute then the sweetest gentleman a next. He doesn't like me one minute and then he does. It's confusing and maddening. The fact that all this didn't do anything in lessening my love for him is what absolutely disgust me. The fact that I let him do it though...That's what disgusts me the most.

The fact that my heart chose him and let him get away with everything he's done to me is disgusting. The fact that I can't help but continue to like him is disgusting. The fact that love has made me so weak and hopeless and pathetic is repulsive. 

This didn't register to me until he was standing right in front of me and talking about some nonsense that I can't process because I'm just so mad and disgusted and-

"Please leave."

His eyebrows furrow in confusion "Uhm...what?"

"Leave. Please leave. Don't ever talk to me again." I can't look at him in the eye when I say it. I can't stop the heartache and guilt of my actions. I can't stop being so pathetic.

"Hey...wait. What did I do? Was it it the vomit talk? I'm sorry. I didn't know you'd be grossed out that bad." He says

"What? No. I just- I don't want to see you right now, Jaxon. Please just leave me alone."

"Are you okay?" He looks so concerned and worried -it almost makes me doubt myself. But I can't go through this again. I refuse to be thrown around and get played with again. I don't want to do it anymore -I can't. I need to find myself again.

"I just...I need to be alone, Jaxon. A lot is happening and I really need to figure this out by myself." I can't even stand up to him and tell him to fuck off. What's happened to me? When did I become so pathetic?

"You should never go through something all by yourself, Harley. It's not good for you. Let me help -even just a little."

And because I'm just so fucking pathetic, I started crying. Unwillingly, the tears fell from my eyes for the nth time this week.

"You can't." My voice breaks and cracks almost as much as my heart does. "You can't help, Jaxon, so will you please just leave me alone?"

The alarm on his face furthers the concern in his eyes. "Harley...What's going on?" He practically begs

A choked out sob escapes me.

"You! Me!" It escapes me before I can stop it.

"You're what's wrong, Jaxon. I'm what's wrong. We're both so fucking wrong." And then it doesn't stop spilling. "I told Tyler everything. I told him what we did and I lost a great fucking guy that loves me so much because fuck I chose you. I keep fucking choosing you even if you're such a fucking ass. It's so twisted that I fell for you despite you always twisting and playing with my heart. Fuck Jaxon. Everything is all wrong and twisted and pathetic and so fucking disgusting. That's what's wrong. That's why I need you to please leave my life. I can't take this. I'm being thrown into every fucking wall by your bipolar asshole-ness..."

I couldn't breathe. It was so much- too much.

"So please..for the love of God please fucking leave. I don't want to do this anymore - I can't."

He looked at me...all broken and hurt- making me feel all kinds of guilt and hatred for myself all over again.

"Harley, wait. Let's talk about this." He asked as he reached out to wipe the tears from my eyes.

I sighed shakily and shook my head as I pulled away from his touch. "No...I really- I really really need to do this by myself, Jaxon. I need to fix myself and it starts-" It physically hurt me to say this. It really really did. "It starts by leaving you, forgetting you, and never turning back.If you really loved me as you say, you won't fight me on this,"

Jaxon pulled back -not at all hiding the hurt on his face. He took a deep breath and looked down -schooling a blank look on his face that I wish I could copy.

"Okay..." He finally mumbles softly after what felt like hours of silence after waves of hurt. "Okay. I'll- I'll let you be." ...And then he left- walked away and didn't look back or lift his head. Clearly, he was much stronger than I -much less pathetic...much less in love?

The bell rang ages ago. Who knows when everybody left -their whole world moving on while mine broke apart. My knees hit the floor and my heart shattered along. My vision blurred and my breathing shortened. Crying really did feel like being drowned. I desperately tried and push through- I was gasping for more air as I swam through my tears to the restroom - thinking that it might be a lifeboat that could save me from the drowning.

It did...but there was still water all around me- and sharks lived in the water. They lived there -ready to bite you in the ass and hurt you harder than the water ever could.

*************************************************I tried to tell myself that Jaxon leaving was what I wanted. I tried to tell myself that this was the step I had to take to get better. I knew that the this road was going to be a long and hard one. Recovery is never as easy as it is to break. It turns out, however, that no matter how much you know or think you know - you will never truly understand until it finally happens. Everyone knows that breaking a bone hurts, but you don't understand the true pain of it until you break one yourself.

I always knew that I would hurt before I could recover. I thought that I had prepared myself for it as well- the deep breath that I took before moving forward should have been enough, shouldn't it?

It wasn't. I was so far from what I imagined would be the pain that I'd have to deal with. I honestly don't know what started it though. I don't know if it was because my heart still hated me for ruining everything or if it was because I saw Jaxon, just hours after tearing my heart out , in the throes of a passionate make out session with some girl that I couldn't make out because dammit I'm drowning again. I'm crying again despite my early begging of him to leave me and forget about me and stop playing around with me.

I shouldn't have reacted. He was right. I wanted this. I practically pushed him to do this, so I had no reason to react that way, but I did. I was already being eaten by sharks, but that wasn't enough huh? I had to bleed to death and drown and live as my body slowly decayed.

"Are you fucking kidding me? It hasn't even been a whole fucking day? You're seriously doing this? This thing that I was talking to you about? This is my fucking point. You're such a fucking asshole."

"And wasn't that what you wanted? You wanted me to stop being nice and playing with you, so here I am playing with another girl. You're quite frankly the one breaking the rules here. You keep running back to me and acting as if this has something to do with you. Newsflash, Harley: It doesn't. We're done. You don't get to react to me anymore and I don't get to bother you anymore."

"You're an asshole..."

"Yes!! Yes I am. I am a fucking asshole with no heart. I play with girls just like I played you. If you expected me to be as broken as you are, then you've got it all wrong. You were nothing special, but damn do I applaud you for breaking it off first. That is what impresses me the most. You valued yourself and good fucking job. You realised that everything meant nothing to me by my slip ups. Good fucking job. You caught on. Now that it's over, leave me be and forget about it all."

What more could I tell you? I hurt, I cried, I died a little inside, and then I did it all over again.

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