Mackenzie

Edwin lives on the other side of campus than I do, so after Camilla and I finish editing and send the paper to be printed, I drive over to his place. Sitting in front of his apartment, I have a sick feeling in my stomach. Just give him another chance. I try to convince myself.

My legs feel like lead as I make my way up the two flights of stairs to his apartment. When I knock, the door is opened almost immediately. "Mackenzie!" He pulls me in for an awkward hug and then pecks me on the lips in the way that he always does, which makes me feel even more uncomfortable now that Dane has pointed out that it lacks any passion whatsoever.

"Hey."

Edwin gives me a big smile that I find myself unable to return with any of the same energy. Instead I try to smile back, but I'm worried it comes out more like a grimace with how forced it feels. Edwin, being Edwin, doesn't seem to notice anything is wrong.

"I made lasagna." Of course he did. I try not to make a gagging noise.

"Is it ready?" I ask, because I don't know what else to say.

"Yeah. I was wondering if maybe you wanted to watch a movie after?"

"Um. We'll see." Edwin nods seriously.

When we sit down to eat, I can't meet his eyes. "How was your day?"

"It was fine." I manage. "Just did homework and edited the paper."

"That sounds nice. I always like reading the paper. I'm sure you did an excellent job." He says it like a dad who is trying to encourage his young child.

"Yeah." I mumble. "How was your day?" I look up for a moment, but Edwin is focused on his lasagna, cutting it into more pieces than seems reasonable for a normal human.

"Oh, you know." He laughs. "I just did homework. And I wished you were here with me." The words make my stomach churn, because not once did I think about him during the day before Camilla brought him up. And when she did, I wished that I hadn't thought about him. Edwin deserved more than this. More than a girlfriend who dreaded spending time with him.

"Edwin--" My voice falters.

"Yes, Mackenzie?" Always so formal. He doesn't look up from his lasagna.

"I think we need to talk."

For most people, this would be a sign to at least look up. But Edwin stays focused on his lasagna. "About what?"

"I can't do this anymore."

"Can't do what?" His eyes meet mine.

"This." I say, motioning between him and me now that he's finally decided to look up.

"Oh." And then Edwin does something I really wish he didn't do. He tries to convince me that I should keep trying. "Well, we've only been dating for a month. Maybe you just need more time to get used to it. I know I really like spending time with you."

"I just--" I try to think of words. Any words. "I'm not ready." Bullshit. That was just a straight up lie. Am I the girl that lies to get out of things now?

"I can wait until you're ready."

"I don't want you to." I whisper.

"I thought you liked me." Edwin sounds like he's genuinely shocked. "You're always so nice to me. Mackenzie, are you sure this isn't the stress of being editor-in-chief talking? I know that's a new role for you this year." I want to punch him, because he's sounding slightly condescending. All I want to do is fucking break up with him. It shouldn't be this hard.

"I think we should break up." I say, my voice gaining strength now that he's pissed me off.

"But--"

"We're breaking up." I repeat. Edwin has never looked more confused.

"Don't you want to think about this more?" He asks.

"No." I shake my head. "I've made my decision." And I stand up, push my seat back from the table, and walk to the door, leaving my untouched lasagna on the table.

"Mackenzie--" Edwin stands. "I really think we have chemistry." I try to think of a time that Edwin has actually made me laugh. A time that he's kissed me with any sort of passion. A time that Edwin has made me feel more alive. A time that Edwin has added any sort of value to my life. A time that I didn't just lean on him because he showed interest when no one else did. I come up empty.

"Bye, Edwin."

And I walk out of the apartment, just like that.

I make it to my car before I start crying. I'm still crying when I walk into my house fifteen minutes later. Kate is in the kitchen and when she hears me collapse on the couch, she comes running.

"Mack?" Kate pulls me onto her lap. "Mackenzie? Is everything okay?"

"I broke up with Edwin." I sob into her legs. "I didn't even like him."

"Oh." Kate says, petting my hair, but not sounding very shocked.

"He's just so boring." I wail into her legs. "But I still feel bad that I hurt his feelings."

"Thank god." I feel Penny sit down on top of legs as I sob into Kate. Penny gently rubs my leg. "You were so much better than him, Mack."

"What if no one else ever takes an interest in me?" I ask into Kate.

Kate and Penny both laugh. "Mack. Don't be stupid." Kate says. "You're pretty and smart. Probably not the funniest of us, but you're still quite the catch."

"Who is the funniest of us?" Hannah asks, and I hear her sit down on the floor next to me. She pats my butt affectionately.

"Me." Kate and Penny say at the same time.

"We're the bottom of the totem pole." Hannah whispers in my ear. I can't help but smile.

"Did he feed you lasagna one too many times?" Kate asks. This elicits a peal of laughter from Hannah and Penny.

"Something like that." I mutter.

"Well. I think this calls for a movie night." Penny hops off my legs. "I'm thinking Legally Blonde. But I'm open to other options."

Thus begins a twenty minute debate about what movie to watch. During this, I manage to pull myself from Kate's lap, even though I find her so comfortable that it's hard to move. Kate gives me a small smile and pushes my hair out of my face.

Somehow, after much debate, we settle on Penny's original pick. Since I'm apparently the pity child of the evening, Kate lets me eat some of her dinner, and then makes us all popcorn. Squeezed on the couch with my three house mates, I feel a lot better than I did walking out of Edwin's apartment.

When the movie wraps up, I collapse on my bed and look at my phone for the first time since agreeing to dinner with Edwin. Edwin has texted me ten times. I ignore them completely, hoping my roommates will just read them to me in the morning.

Dane texted me hours ago, and I feel a pang of guilt that I missed it.

I don't know how you resisted my mediocre pizza bribe...

It makes me smile, and I text back.

I didn't...

Since I took literal hours to reply to him, I don't expect my phone to immediately light up again.

Does this mean that I'm texting my new computer science tutor?

I prefer the term savior

I'll make sure I address you properly from now on ;P

The winky face undoes me, and I muffle my laughter in my pillow. I find myself wishing that Edwin had the ability to make me laugh so easily. Perhaps we wouldn't have broken up and I wouldn't have spent half an hour crying into my roommates shoulder after Elle and Emmett had their moment. Pretty sure that I'd convinced my roommates that I'm the crazy girl who will cry at anything.

I force myself to get up and take a shower. Hannah has convinced me that going to the gym before class is a good idea, so I set my alarm for 6AM. She's the other morning person in our house, and she's lowkey a health nut. So although I'm not at her level, I let her drag me along five days a week.

I pack my gym bag and backpack. I glance around my room once, making sure I'm not missing anything important for the next morning. Satisfied that I'm ready for another Monday, I fall into my bed and fall asleep nearly instantly.