Kristian's pov:

"Where is Noah's mother ?" i felt my whole body stiffen up at her question, this subject is the only one i didn't want to ever talk about, why must she ask me about this , I don't like being weak and this subject makes me feel like a failure and a weak man

" she's gone... dead" i whispered not liking the fact that i am talking about this subject with anyone , i heard a small gasp behind me

"i am sorry , i didn't mean to make you remember something you don't wish to talk about , i understand , it must have been hard..."

"you don't understand shit so stop talking ..." i don't know why but i snapped , i couldn't handle the pain that was willing up inside off me and i snapped at the only person i didn't want to see this side of me , i turned around to apologize but what i saw made feel even worse , there stood scarlet with the glass in her hand as she stared at me with gentleness in her eyes

'Why isn't she mad? shouldn't she scream at me for talking like that her ... why does it hurt more when i see her kind gentle eyes '

"I ...." before i could talk she interrupted me

"i am not mad , i know that you didn't mean it but still i have to tell you , i once heard a saying that goes like this " When something bad happens , life will give you three choices . you can either let it define you . you can let it destroy you . or you can let it strengthen you ." and you , you choose the third one , but being strong doesn't mean you have to be alone and it doesn't mean that you have to build these walls around your feelings , don't forget no matter how strong you are, you're still a man from flesh and blood, you have feelings and emotions and its okay to have them , so at some point you have to let someone in, and if you like when that day comes and you feel like talking about it i wouldn't mind giving you an ear, i can be a good listener "

i stared at the woman in front of me who was smiling gently as she broke slowly through my shell , i opened my mouth to speak but i could not no matter what i did no words came out of my mouth

"i should go to bed it's almost 5 am , and i need to be up at 7 for Noah i promised him i would be with him in the morning , goodnight, Kristian "

by the time i came out of my daze scarlet was already gone , i looked at the door that she left open behind her and i started thinking of her words , i knew that she was right , and deep down i wanted to let someone in , No i wanted to let her in , i wanted to tell her that , but i couldn't , it's too soon to share this pain , i have to stay strong for Noah and for Mateo , i can't fall apart no matter what !.

but since i met scarlet it's like something pulls me towards her , her innocence , her gentle smile and kind personality, she is really strong , she had it hard in life but she never stopped , the things that i could do to hear her laugh , i can't believe that i actually made Jake change the club's uniform , i couldn't handle how every man was looking at her , like she was some kind of a prey , even the women were staring at her . I sighed out loud as I chugged my drink down , I like the burn that comes with every sip of alcohol, it made me feel alive , it reminded me that i am the same as everyone else , every sip of alcohol reminded me of the fact that it hurts when i breath, but I am still breathing , i am surviving, but how much i wish i could be living not just surviving .

I left the glass on the desk as I walked towards the sofa and laid down closing my eyes letting the sweet life that comes with the dreams swipe me to the other land , to the land were they still lived , where i was free of pain , and life was just as simple as it could be 'with them ' a life where i can breathe freely without feeling pain in every second of my life , a life where i am not scared of losing anything or anyone else ...

i felt a tear slip from my eye

just one tear

for the first time in years

i admit

i lifted my hand to cover the shame that came with that single tear , i wish the pain can disappear too so i can carry on, i felt my throat close as i whimpered in pain

and another tear escaped

and another one

two

the voice in my head whispered

three

four

again, another tear slipped

and finally, i got it out

"i miss them , please help me ... I am weak!"