《D for Depression》Chapter 35: How I feel
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''I'm sorry'' He whispers, pressing another kiss on my cheek. I feel his hands sneaking around my waist, bringing me closer to his body, while he playfully nudges his nose to my face.
''It's okay.'' I say, resting my hands on his shoulders. ''It's work. I get it.''
Our little downtown adventure stopped abruptly, after a certain call that set Jackson's jaw on a permanent clench, his eyes softening only for a moment, to brush his knuckles over my lips.
I could tell from the way his whole mood changed, that this was something he didn't expect or enjoy to do, but it was too important to ignore. And even though I kind of hated the way we had to seperate, I let it go. Because I knew that whatever was going on inside that business, it was not my place to interfere.
Ignorance is bliss, they say.
It must be for a good reason. Right?
''I promise I'll make it up to you, okay?'' He mumbles kissing my neck softly.
I just nod, resting my head on his shoulder and embrace this slight moment of pure tranquility between us.. His palm slowly moves up and down my back lulling me to sleep and if it wasn't for his other hand caressing the skin under the hem of my dress, I would have probably fallen already.
His rings brush against the back of my thigh, bringing shivers down my spine and I unintentionally whine into his shoulder. The sound makes his touch halt for a moment, before he drags his fingers up my ass, tracing the fabric of my underwear.
He cups my (ass)cheek lightly, squeezing the flesh in the process, while I fist his shirt to steady myself, before my legs give up on me.
"Jackson..." I exhale lowly. My tone coming off more like a plea.
And it is. A plea to not go down that road, because there will be nothing to stop us if it happens.
There was already too much sexual tension between us from our encounter before. We could barely make it into my neighbourhood without touching each other and continuing something that we wouldn't be able to finish, wasn't a good idea.
At least not today.
"Mm..." He hums, sucking on my collarbone.
"You have to go..." I whisper, tugging on his hair to create some distance between us.
But he doesn't seem to mind it at all.
Lost in his own world, he continues the journey to my cleavage freeing one of the buttons with his teeth.
My breath hitches immediately and I look around anxiously, hoping that if anyone passes won't be able to recognize me.
God knows how much people like to talk about other people's business. Especially if the source of the issue is a woman. And even though I usually try to not give a shit about my snobby neighbours, I'm not in the mood to fight with them or my parents.
Who said that living in the 21st century is easy?
Let me tell you something. It's still the same mentality as decades ago, just with fancier devices and worst taste in music.
Jackson licks the valley of my chest, his body resting more against the motorcycle, while I try to keep quiet, cursing under my breath.
"Fuck..." I mumble, receiving a smack between my thighs. The sensation although, wasn't meant to be enjoyable, only manages to bring more tingles into my skin, making me ten times hornier than before.
His lips continue to wander farther down chest, sucking all the right places, until the lace of my bra gets in the middle of his exploration.
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"You are killing me baby." Jackson's raspy tone vibrates into my chest.
My eyes shut tightly, savoring the feeling of his low breaths against my skin. And before I know it, I let my hand rest on his thigh, tracing the pattern of his jeans.
The action seems to take him by surprise for a second, considering how hesitant I usually am with the physical contact. But tonight, I choose to let my insecurities go and grab the chance of being as close to him as I can get.
My palm squeeze his thigh, letting me feel the hard muscle underneath and if I was sensitive before, now I am aching.
His thighs are probably my favorite thing about him, even thought I would never admit it.
Dragging my hand over his leg, I slightly brush against his center and I feel him taking a sharp breath. The thickness behind his jeans makes me salivate for a second and before I'm even aware of what I'm doing, I give it a squeeze.
Jackson's body stiffens almost immediately, his hand snapping as if it was burnt by fire. Circling my wrist in an instant, I feel his nails dig into my skin, while he rests his forehead on mine breathing hard.
''Don't.'' He whispers.
My heart skips a beat listening to the tone of his voice. There is no more playfulness, no teasing or foreplay. And the fact itself makes me freeze in an instant.
''Please don't.'' He mumbles again.
The uncertainness behind his words is almost too familiar to me. Because I can't recall all the times I felt this way and knowing he shares the same distress with me, just makes me feel even closer to him.
I understand more than anyone how scary it can be, to get physical with someone and build the necessary trust, while moving forward. And that's why I can't help but feel guilty for taking advantage of a situation, before making sure if it was okay.
I mean what the hell was I thinking? Touching him that way without asking for his permission.
For a lot of people it may seem as something excessive since we are kind of together now, but consent should've never been taken for granted. He is always so careful around me and even the times we kind of lose ourselves in the moment, I know I am safe with him. No matter what. Cause he made sure to show it to me.
And for the first time to ever touch him that way...I should have known better.
''I'm sorry.'' I whisper back to him.
''No.'' He says, breathing hard through his nose. ''You...you can touch me..it's just...''
''I should have asked.''
''You don't have to ask...'' He mumbles to my lips almost exhausted.
''Still. I should have.'' I answer back, making sure he gets my point.
We are equals. In everything.
His grip on my wrist is painfully tight and although I know it's going to feel sore tomorrow, I don't say anything, fully understanding how his vulnerability in the moment is scary enough for him to do this unintentionally.
Instead, I reach my other hand slowly, to brush a loose strand of hair out of his face. The movement makes him flinch, but he doesn't stop me. Caressing the side of his cheek with my fingertips, I let my body relax in his hold, attempting to make him feel safier too.
''It's okay. Sometimes we just need a minute.''
My words are meant to be reassuring and they seem to work because soon, I feel him burying his face into my chest hugging me tightly. I gently start to comb my fingers through his hair, massaging his scalp in the process, reminding me our first encounter in that cinema bathroom.
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Only this time the roles are reversed.
His breathing slowly returns into normal again and after a couple of minutes he separates his body from mine, still keeping me close enough to caress my skin. It almost feels like touching me, has become some sort of relaxation technique for him even if it's just a light brush of our fingers, or a stroke on my cheek.
''Thank you.'' He whispers, kissing my hand and I smile nodding at him.
''No need to thank me. I owe you more than one.''
At the sound of my words he looks up, studying my face for a moment, before he shakes his head discarding them. ''You don't owe me anything babe. Not now, not ever.''
''Well, in that case you don't too.''
He chuckles accepting my response and mumbling a barely audible ''Deal.''
My feet scratch against the pavement, when I move forward to peck his lips gently.
''You should go.'' I say, stepping back.
Jackson hums, keeping his eyes closed seconds after the kiss, as if he is waiting for another one and I comply smiling on his lips. He kisses me again more forcefully this time, swiping his tongue against mine and sucking on my bottom lip. ''Jackson...''
He whines like a child, pulling me closer to him, while I try to resist and I just know his playful mood has come back again.
''Are you trying to get rid of me? Huh?'' He mutters on my cheek, kissing it obnoxiously loud and I giggle at his childness.
''Yes. I have someone waiting for me in my bedroom. I can't stand them up any longer.'' I joke around, catching the dark glimpse taking over his eyes.
His fingers dig into my skin, rubbing the area over my hip bones. The light digit of his thumbs trace the shape of them, which is easily visible through the thin material of my dress.
''So that's how it goes huh? I let you out of my sight for a minute and you are off to the next guy.'' He says teasingly, although I don't miss the slight dark undertone of his words.
He is being playful because he knows I'll probably back down and admit he is the only one for me.
Which I would normally do, if I wasn't feeling bratty today.
''Who said anything about a guy?'' I ask, rubbing on his shoulders.
His hands instantly freeze on my waist and a slight smirk overtakes his features. ''Sorry love. Didn't mean to assume.''
My lips curl up in a smile and I lean forward to kiss his lips once more. ''That's alright.'' I say, playing with the necklaces on his chest.
''Well is it?'' He says after a moment.
''What?''
''You know what.''
''A chance that my potential hook up is not a guy?''
''Now that's the key word. Potential.'' He adds , squeezing me between his legs, while I roll my eyes in response.
Men and their narcissism.
''Well it would certainly make my night, if I could spend it with a soft body against mine. Don't you think?''
His eyes widen for a split second and I feel the satisfaction of catching him off guard, for the second time tonight.
''What? Cat eat your tongue baby?'' I say, patting his head like a pet, only for him to catch my hand and bring it behind my back.
I fight to release myself from his grip, but he doesn't leave me any room, trapping my upper body into his torso, his one leg resting between my thighs to keep them seperate. It's almost like I'm sitting on his lap, with the difference that only his thigh supports my weight, so I'm basically riding it.
The moment I feel him under me, his leg muscles exactly where I want them, I release a breath I didn't know I was holding and I fully relax myself into the feeling of his body against mine.
''That's not an answer darling.'' He breaths in my ear.
My stomach tightens feeling him that close to me and I can't help but slightly grind against him. The sensation is so intense, making my eyes close immediately, a quiet whine escaping my lips.
''Let me hear you baby.'' He demands, biting on my earlobe.
My hips lift forward again, searching for the friction that makes my body shudder and Jackson's hand grips my hair tightly.
''Sex in public, daddy kink...what else do you have instored for me D?''
Grinding harder, I rest my forehead on his shoulder, forgetting everything around me. Jackson has the ability of making me cross the line between earth and heaven every time that I am with him. And when he flexes his muscles under me, I'm sure I can see stars.
Holding on my waist, he deprives me from moving forward, still slightly rocking me on his command. My legs feel like jello and I bite on his shoulder to suppress my moans.
''Look at you being a mess already and I haven't even touched you yet.'' He says squeezing my ass in the process to make it worse for me.
''What will you do when I leave? Are you going to let you little girlfriend take care of you?''
His words go straight to my core and I whine his name pathetically.
''What baby? I didn't hear you.''
My head lifts from his shoulder and I look him in the eyes before I say. ''I wish.''
Jackson's pupils expand for a second, his irises turning completely black, before he presses like a mad man into my lips, sucking the life out of me.
Literally.
My breath hitches in my throat, feeling him dominate my mouth, while his hands scoop me completely from the ground, interlocking my legs around his waist, until I'm straddling him on the motorcycle.
I wave my fingers through his hair, fisting the dark locks and slightly tug on them, my tongue swiping against his bottom lip begging for the entrance. But he doesn't spare me and to be honest I didn't expect to. I've been playing with him all night. This is his moment to pay me back.
His palm sneaks under my dress, brushing my skin and drawing light circles between my thighs, that have me panting for a breath. He is careful to not touch me where I need him the most, continuing his twisted game, until I can't take it anymore and start circling my hips against him.
We both moan into the kiss, our teeth colliding briefly, but it doesn't stop us. His hand finds its way to my underwear feeling the dampness underneath and when his thumb finally presses against my clit, I title my head back leaving a loud moan.
His mouth immediately dives into my neck, leaving a wet kiss on my windpipe. I feel his tongue making a wet trail across my collar bone, sucking and biting, but when I'm ready to whine his name, I hear a noise ruining our moment.
He keeps kissing me while searching for his phone and then peaks up without separating his lips from my body.
''Where the fuck are you?'' A stern voice speaks from the other side.
''I'm coming.'' Jackson mumbles between my breasts.
He always finds his way back there for a reason. And they are not even impressive. Just a regular B cup.
''From where Alaska?'' The other one spats being more aggressive this time.
''I said I'm fucking coming!''Jackson almost yells on the phone making me flinch.
He sees my reaction and pecks my lips right away as an apology.
''I'll be there in ten.''
Hanging up the phone, he kisses me once more before whispering onto my lips.
''I got to go baby. But I want you to do something for me. Will you?''
''Yeah.'' I pant exhausted.
He could ask me to jump off a cliff and I would probably do it with how worked up I was.
''I want you to go home, do whatever you need to do and when you finish, I need you to lay on your bed and touch yourself. Will you do that for me?''
My heart thumbs like crazy listening to his words and I can't help but press myself on him, to somehow satisfy my thirst, before I accept his wish with a nod.
''Good girl. I want you to enjoy it baby. Take your time. Think whatever you want, anything that makes you horny. Even a girl. And then make yourself cum like you deserve it.''
I feel my core practically pulsing with everything I'm hearing and I don't hesitate to to grind on him whispering over his ear. ''I want you to make me cum.''
His hands squeeze me harder, making it obvious how hard he is fighting to not take my words seriously and rail me on his bike. Licking his lips he murmurs with a husky voice.
''I know baby. I'll owe you one. The next time we see each other you can seat on my face for as long as you like.''
My stomach does a backflip and lands on a twist with the idea of it and I answer aroused. ''Promise?''
He just nods kissing me again, before he signals to my house. ''Go now. Let me see what a good girl you are.''
I slowly and really unwillingly untangle myself from him, while he lowers me to the ground. My legs almost give up on me, but he is quick to steady me.
''Are you okay?'' He asks with a mischievous grin on his face.
I mirror him smiling in return, before I yank on his necklaces to bring him closer to me, until our noses touch each other.
''Are you going to be a good boy for me too?''
He visibly sucks in a breath, looking at me for a second before he nods like an obedient puppy. ''Yeah.'' He whispers, going for another kiss, but I push him away.
''Till next time..'' I send him a wink, grabbing my things and skipping towards my house.
He stays there until I am safe on my porch, my eyes following him into the darkness of the empty road and when he is finally not there, I smile to myself like an idiot, unlocking my door.
But when I'm about to close it again I see the window of mrs. Anderson opened, with her looking at me horrified from the other side of the street. Which could only mean one thing.
She saw everything.
Biting on my lip, I lock eyes with her judgmental visage and do the most unnatural thing for me.
I flip her off.
Her head snaps in distaste, but before she has the chance to say anything I shut the front door and chuckle to myself.
Go off I guess.
The lights of my house are surprisingly on, despite the late hour. I search around for any clue of my mother, but she is not on the first floor, making me exhale a light breath. Our relationship in the past week has been at least civil, but that doesn't mean I have forgotten about our fight and nor has she. We exchange a few words here and there, most of them regarding the chores of the house, but other than that it's been colder than the Siberian mountains. And honestly, I'm okay with it.
I prefer to be invisible to her, than have her on my back, controlling my every move. But what surprises me the most, is that for the first time she doesn't seem to move on from our fight. In most situations, after a couple days of giving me the silent treatment and letting me feel like shit, she gets sudden amnesia and forgets about everything, approaching me with gifts and attention like the perfect mother she is.
I used to think that, that was her way of apologising, since it was physically impossible for her to do it with words. Not just with me. But with everyone around her. And even though I never felt persuaded or comfortable, with her kind words and gifts, I let it slip away, convincing myself, that her ''remorse'' was genuine enough to make me forgive her.
And who am I playing? Most of the time, I thought it was my fault. So how could I even judge her about it?
However, after my talk with Katherine a tiny innocent thought entered my head, that maybe, just maybe I should stand my ground and not let her get away with it.
Nina Simone's voice welcomed me to the second floor. The sound coming loud behind the closed door of my mother's bedroom. I was almost ready to knock and see what she was doing up so late, but I remembered I was supposed to be mad at her.
I mean I am. But I guess old habits die hard.
Crossing the hallway Ι walk inside my room locking the door behind me. My back meets the cold surface and I find myself smiling like an idiot, the mirror on the other side of the room, reflecting my happiness.
Can't even remember the last time I felt like this. Not before I met Jackson anyway.
Discarding my shoes and jacket, I jump on my bed silently screaming on the pillow. That was epic. And we didn't even do anything.
His words keep flashing in my head ''I want you to touch yourself.''
Fuck.
I can't wait to do it. My core is aching from the moment he left. I want to cum so bad.
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