《Autumn Winds and Crimson Waters》Macie's List of Life Advice

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Do not put milk in toasters - they will not make milk bread and set on fire if you turn them on Arson is illegal (apparently setting a house on fire to celebrate is not responsible) You shouldn't like enrgish - it bad Going around cutting peoples hair will get you suspended from school You are not allowed to keep scissors in your sleeves You are also not allowed to throw them at people (in case they get offended) Bringing a katana to school and sharpening it in Maths is not a good idea - they tend to stare If your brother breaks his arm you are not to throw boxes of bandages at him (he is injured and you are not a doctor, even if you wear a white lab coat) Running head first into a concrete wall will not get you to Narnia, or Hogwarts (you have to run into the red brick one they have all lied to you) Children's books do not have murder or blood (do not ask the librarian for them, even if it's for your cousin. She will think you are strange) However much you want to stab someone in the eye, it is not polite, you have to ask first No matter how much you need someone's legs for a ritual sacrifice they will not give it to you (unless you forcefully take them, but that's rude) Slamming your face onto your keyboard and rolling around on it could turn on grayscale (along with 10 different applications and possibly a virus) Hair is not for eating, it is for setting on fire You must not scream at people who are normal (they tend to get scared) Save sleep for the sane, they need it DEATH (when you die you're dead) If you die harder, you're more dead Tables make great C4 barriers C4 and bed frames are a great idea Flammable gases are flammable (I know from experience, trust me) Flammable objects are also flammable Laughing when someone says funeral is not a good idea Saying yum while looking at heads on pikes is also not a good idea Faceplant. Need I say more? Don’t ask genies for raspberry crowns. When in doubt, dig a hole in your backyard and stand in it and pretend to be a carrot, like so: Shouting “the earth's crust is 50 percent oxygen” and then proceeding to get onto the floor and start sniffing the floor will not get your homework done Walking on top of a random person then claiming you are 70% jesus will get you arrested Your teachers are not kidnapping you The fire alarm is not rude, even if they're being loud The tsunami is not your bathtub and does not have your bathtub Satan gets an allergic reaction when you throw pink puppies at him Vegans are paper towels, but then so am I Macie no means Macie yes (Macie, no) If you make a bad pun and someone says to get out, this apparently does not mean it's time to leave school. Nor does it mean jump out the window When your sister kidnaps your iPad, you are to politely ask them to return it. Not climb a tree and break into her room through the window while your brother plays mission impossible music Tables can be cut apart with a kitchen knife if you use it to play drums Tables are rude Chasing your brother around with a baseball bat will get you told off. Chasing him around with a kitchen knife will get you arrested Bobbin pins are not for sticking in eyebrows

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