《You Only Smol Twice: A Smol Detective Story》Chapter Five

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Oscar tried to ignore the weight of his next decision. At the same time he tried (and failed) to ignore the warm furry arm wrapped around his back, the pawpads squeezing his shoulder, and the soft swish of Myyreh's tail against the ship's deck. His new problem was that the Egg's data wasn't something truly destructive, like some sort of super-thermonuclear bomb. In that case his choice would be obvious: prevent the Egg from falling into the wrong hands no matter what. But this was more mundane, something that could be a real benefit to humanity. What human wouldn't want the ability to safely shake hands with the average xeno citizen? The xenos could do away with their rigorous human-handling training as well.

But that in turn might accelerate the depopulation of Earth. The human governments would have to impose harsher limits on who could leave, just to avoid the species scattering to the four winds. That assumed, of course, that the Egg's data could be reverse-engineered. It might take decades to achieve the same type of 'super-soldier' augmentation for human biochemistry.

Then there was the additional problem of what would happen on Earth once the Egg was reverse-engineered. One could only keep such a thing secret if it was never used, and Oscar knew that wasn't likely. The technology would leak out to the general public. Oscar's already-troubled homeworld might have to deal with a slew of would-be supermen trying to carve out their own little warlord fiefdoms, using an army of similarly-enhanced soldiers at their command.

He felt the burden of his pack's collective stare while he pondered. If he didn't help them out, then it was more likely that the theft would be successful. After all, he was pretty sure that Martin was behind this whole mess and therefore they'd have to think like Martin to get the Egg back. But to be fair, the Captain was pretty wily in her own right. Maybe she'd nab his old boss after all. Maybe Oscar could just sit this one out.

Myyreh's hot breath washed over his ear. "[It's okay,]" she whispered. "[I love you, regardless of what you choose to do.]"

Oscar closed his eyes and clenched his fists in frustration. How could he be expected to make such a choice? He was just a grunt, a front-line type of guy. The higher-ups pointed and he went while never giving a single thought as to why. Oscar never wanted to think about the 'why', but now he had to.

In the midst of his despair, he remembered his conversation with Maria, and what it all boiled down to.

Trust.

He'd trusted the pack enough to disclose his intuitive leap, and they trusted him enough to make this decision. The Jornissians trusted humans too, trusted them enough to let the humans build what amounted to an armed camp right in the middle of their colony's nerve-center.

And now some humans had betrayed that trust. They'd taken advantage of their giant scaly hosts, using the newfound human 'power of cute'...well, to be honest, it was more the 'power of horny'...along with a cognitive blind spot formed from thousands of years of difference in technological prowess. If word of this theft became general knowledge, the Senate might become suspicious of humanity in general. At the very least, any humans wanting into the placement program could expect to jump through a lot more hoops. Hell, the xenos might even insist on humans having nanocams on them at all times, just to make sure they weren't up to anything nefarious.

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Was that worth letting the Egg remain in human hands? Oscar wanted to help his adoptive family, truly he did. But he was also self-aware enough to know that he might just be using that desire as an excuse to get back at his old boss.

Finally Oscar looked up and met the Captain's eyes...then nodded. Myyreh let out a happy little squeak and hugged him harder against her side.

The Captain relaxed. "[Good. Now, as to next steps. Right now we have an interesting theory but no real evidence.]"

"I agree," said Oscar. "I mean, I know that's what happened in my gut. But we're only going to get one shot at nabbing these guys. We need to catch them red-handed, so to speak."

"[Which means we need to follow their customers, eh?]" mused Kgrashak. The medic glanced over at Oscar. "[It's a pity they found out who you are. You could have infiltrated the spy ring.]"

"[We first need to find out which restaurant it is,]" added Bgrarh.

Oscar leaned back in his chair. Now that he'd made his decision he felt like he'd started a HALO jump. He was rocketing towards the ground and hoping not to crater into the ground. "My money's on Il Tricolore. They started the human delivery service. Do our warrants on this case include hacking the comms into and out of the human base?"

"[We have the authority to do that,]" said Egwreh. "[Consider it done. What am I looking for?]"

"Start with Henry, the archivist," replied Oscar. "Go back through his records and see if he placed any calls to Il Tricolore in the last six months. Would his calls be recorded?"

"[With certainty,]" said Ngralh. "[[Hnnresnthsh] is a government official.]"

Myyreh drew Oscar into herself even tighter, and the human found he had to move his head to avoid inhaling her chest fur. "Great. We'll then go through those recorded calls and see if there's anything suspicious. We need to also record every single call to both pizzerias, try to see if there's a pattern."

"[We shall do as you suggest,]" said the Captain. "[In the meantime, I think you two [lovebirds] need some alone time.]"

Acting on some subtle cue he couldn't see, the rest of the pack stood and bowed. They filed out of the mess (with Bgrarh giving Oscar a grin and a wink as he went past), and in moments he and Myyreh were the only ones left in the mess.

Oscar turned and buried his face in her chest, while Myyreh sniffled and put both her arms around him. After a long, wonderful while of mutual embracing, he picked up his head and motioned for her to bring her head down to his. She did so with a puzzled look; as her head drew even with his mouth, he leaned forward and brought his lips right next to one of her big, shell-like ears.

"Sorry, I didn't know the Inquisition was involved," he whispered. "Can you forgive me for being such an idiot?"

Myyreh sniffled again, her eyes shining with tears as she drew back and gazed fondly at him. She brought her own snout next to his ear. "[There's nothing to forgive, my love.]" she whispered back. Then she said, more loudly, "[Can we...can we, um, go and...]" She trailed off, damn near blushing through her fur in embarrassment.

Oscar chuckled and scratched deep into the fur behind both of her ears, one hand per ear. That made the big alien shiver all over while her eyes started to roll back into her head. "Go ahead," he murmured. "Whatever crazy stuff you'd like to do, I'm game for it."

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She focused her eyes on him again with deliberate effort. "[Can we go back to your quarters and hold each other all night?]"

"That sounds just perfect."

Rrre'nansh looked at the list on his datapad, then up at Egwreh-of-Grharf with a distinctly skeptical set to his hood. "[You need this much access to our communications network?]"

She shrugged. The engineer stood at parade-rest in front of the governor's desk while doing her best to act as a put-upon middlesapient. "{I'm not asking for it, I'm only doing what I'm told, okay? The Captain says go get this stuff and I go. So here I am.}"

The Jornissian coiled himself tighter behind his desk. "[Still, this is for the entire colony. Surely my citizens can't all be suspects?]"

"{We are being thorough. What's more, we're also trying to look as if we're being thorough. Especially to my superiors. Understand?}"

The governor's eyes narrowed. "[This colony is only subject to Jornissian law. I won't allow any [Inquisition] nonsense, not here.]"

She held up her paws, palms out. "{Sir, no Inquisitor will set so much as a toe-claw on your planet. You have our assurance of that. But my team is not subject to Jornissian law, and the moment our ship breaks orbit we're going to have a Veridicator shoving their nose right up our hinders."

Egwreh caught the slight shudder that ran through the Jornissian's body upon the mention of Veridication. Even among the other species the Special Forces of the Inquisition had gained a definite reputation. "{So you see,}" she continued, "{we need to demonstrate the proper zeal in getting to the bottom of this case,}"

He rubbed one edge of his hood. "[All right, I'll allow it. I want this over and done with as soon as possible.]"

Oscar looked up at the rec room's main display while he strummed on his guitar. The big holographic tank now showed a list of recording files and dates. Oscar was finally getting the hang of alien script, and if he had his dates right then Hnnresnthsh was one of Il Tricolore's most regular customers. Bgrarh and the Captain lounged nearby, with her head in Bgrarh's lap while he groomed her head and shoulders. Another furry pile consisting of Ngralh and Egwreh sprawled next to them, although in that case it was Egwreh grooming her mate. Oscar kind of wished he had Myyreh here so that he could dole out some headpats as well. But thanks to her rigid exercise routine his sweetie was off dispatching virtual foes in the gym. In spite of their causal positions, all of the Dorarizin stared with intense focus at the display.

"[in total, [Hnnresnthsh] has made twenty calls to [Il Tricolore],]" said Bgrarh. "He's tried several different types of [pizza], but for the last ten calls he's only ordered a large with double [pepperoni].]"

"Nothing else?" asked Oscar. "There must be some kind of code for the Nookie Special. Can we listen to the latest call?"

Bgrarh gestured at the display, and the room suddenly filled with the voice of a cheerful human man.

"Il Tricolore, is this for pick-up or delivery?"

Hnnresnthsh's voice sounded a little on-edge to Oscar, but he wasn't that familiar with Jornissian verbal cues. "[Er, delivery. Extra fast delivery, please. One large with double [pepperoni].]"

"Sure thing, sir. The usual address?"

Now Oscar could definitely hear the nerves in Hnnresnthsh's voice "[Yes, thank you.]"

The recording ended, and Oscar plinked a little while he thought.

"No pricing given," he mused.

"[If he's a regular customer, he'd know how much the [pizza] was,]" said the Captain. "[It sounded like they already had his phone ID and address.]"

"He also sounded nervous."

"[Or he was just excited about getting some [pizza],]" said Bgrarh.

Oscar sighed. "Maybe I am full of crap. Can we listen to the other calls?"

After wading through the rest of the orders, Oscar was ready to throw in the towel. Every call was just as short as the last one, with the exception of Hnnresnthsh giving his address during his first order. If there was a code, it was a subtle one.

When the last recording finished, Bgrarh's tail started to wag. "[I think I've got it.]"

"You're doing better than me, Benny. Whatcha got?"

"[He only asked for extra-fast delivery during the last ten calls. That was when he switched to ordering only larges with double [pepperoni].]"

"Hmmm. So maybe that lets 'em know that he's asking for sex...and maybe the toppings order is code for who they send."

"[That would work,]" said the Captain. "[I'll set the trawler to look for all calls asking for extra-fast delivery...]"

Now it was the Captain's turn to gesture at the display. It filled with a dense three-dimensional matrix of filenames, and faster than Oscar could track many of those files melted away. At another gesture, the resulting grid shuffled itself into multiple lists of calls, each list indicating one particular caller.

Oscar set aside his guitar and stood to walk closer to the display. "So if Bennie's hunch is right then they have fifteen regular clients including Henry."

Egwreh tilted her head as she scanned down the list of clients. "[It looks like they mainly target middle managers in the government. Why not anyone higher in authority?]"

"[They're trying not to let the prey catch their scent,]" replied the Captain. "[Somebody like the governor or, say, the planetary defense coordinator would be a lot more cautious about spilling secrets.]"

"Nate, does our current Senate authorization allow us to tap Il Tricolore's calls?" asked Oscar.

Ngralh let out an amused snort.

"Hey, I'm just checkin'. How about we monitor all incoming orders, and the next time there's an 'extra-fast delivery' order we track the driver to the client's dwelling. Then we bust 'em in the act."

"[Would they still be running the [brothel] service?]" asked Egwreh as she gently scratched at Ngralh's headfur. "[It seems like a big risk, now that they've succeeded.]"

"They run an even bigger risk if they just stop. Their clients might start asking questions or worse yet start comparing notes with each other. No, they want to keep this looking like just some illegal side business."

Rgrarshok clicked her teeth. "[That is the main problem with your idea of busting in on a client. Prostitution is legal under Jornissian law.]"

"But not under human military law, so the driver could be brought up on charges by the base commander...but that would tip off the spy ring that they've been rumbled. They'll destroy whatever evidence they have. Shit."

"[Would you trust the base's leader to prosecute the case?]" asked Bgrarh. "[He had you arrested.]"

"No, the MPs arrested me. Valentin's the one who let me go. As to whether I trust him? Yeah. He's not involved with this. Valentin is paranoid enough about you guys, there's no way he'd allow something like this."

"[We could go to [Valentin] with what we have.]" said Egwreh. "[He could investigate from his end.]"

"He might not. He'd say all we have is a theory," said Oscar. He crossed his arms and stared at Hnnresnthsh's name and image at the top of the 'client' list. "Which at the moment is true. Henry is the key. He hasn't ordered an 'extra-fast delivery' since the theft was discovered, so he's gotta know that he screwed the poo...that he messed up. We have to get him to admit that he leaked info on the Egg. That's gotta be illegal under Jornissian law, right?"

"[Not exactly,]" mused Ngralh. He tilted one ear forward. "[But it does count as unauthorized tech transfer to a [human], which comes under Senate jurisdiction. He'd be in big trouble for admitting it, so if we're going to make him confess we'd better have an iron-clad case.]"

"Shock and Awe," muttered Oscar. He scanned down the client. "If we can find out who Henry leaked to and we have that human in custody, then we just might get him to crack. But finding that out requires more information. What if we stake out the clients? Then we can tie the orders to whoever drops off the pizza. That'll tell us who he was, er, 'entertaining'."

"[There's only eight of us,]" said Bgrarh.

"So we take the eight most regular customers."

Bgrarh-of-Arhraz stretched his arms over his head, resulting in a dull crackle of realigning vertebrae. He settled himself back against the wall of the small apartment, pretending to read from a datapad while keeping his eyes on the doorway visible through the window. It was the entry to a modest-looking house on the boulevard below.

In the end, they'd staked out the seven most regular customers. Little-Sniffer was just too noticeable, a fact that the tiny-chomper had finally acquiesced to after much complaining about "being turned into a damn [switchboard operator]", whatever that meant. Right now Bgrarh would happily trade places. Three solid days of confinement in the this Pale-Moon-cursed dwelling was making his limbs itch with the need to run. He kept his complaining to himself, of course. The rest of the crew had to be just as bored as he was. At first, the pack had streamed the calls to [Il Tricolore] into their implants, but after a day of nothing interesting they left it to Little-Sniffer and the Claw's expert systems to catch any 'special fast delivery' orders.

"[Heads up, folks,]" said Little-Sniffer's voice. "[We just got an extra fast delivery order.]"

A parade of excited click-growls resounded in Bgrarh's implant until the Captain's voice cut through it with an abrupt bark. "{Silence! Little-Sniffer, who placed the order?}"

"[[Lnrgah-of-Abhnr]. Looks like [Bgrarh] won the jackpot.]"

Bgrarh allowed himself a small but triumphant smile. "{I'll be waiting for them. What did he order?}"

"[A large Supreme.]"

The big Dorarizin set aside his datapad and stood, humming a happy tune as he walked out of sight of the window and checked his gear. He had a full IR sensor suite which could see through walls, plus some strategically-placed nanobugs in the doorway outside that could catch any conversation in the house. Everything was in order, so all he had to do was wait.

The next twenty [minutes] felt even longer than the last three days. At long last, an air taxi settled down outside Lnrgah's door with a muted whirr. Bgrarh settled himself back into his 'reading' position as he looked the scene over. A larger, male tiny-chomper emerged from the taxi bearing a familiar flat square box. The taxi lifted off with another muted whirr and receded quickly into the distance.

"{The delivery person is a man,}" murmured Bgrarh. "{He dismissed the taxi.}"

"{Planning on staying awhile, then,}" said Rgrarshok. "{It seems Little-Sniffer was right.}"

"[Of course I'm right! I'm always right.]"

"{Door's opening,}" said Bgrarh, and the voice channel fell silent.

Lnrgah was a medium-sized Dorarizin with red-brown fur. He smiled at the tiny-chomper in front of him, and stepped aside as the small alien also smiled and entered. As the door closed, Bgrarh darted away from the window to his IR display. With a few blurry-fast taps on the control panel, he switched his implant to take in the audio stream from the nanobugs.

"{It's good to see you, [Jaime]," said Lnrgah. On the screen, the false-color image of the Dorarizin took the box from the tiny-chomper and trotted away, his tail wagging.

"[Likewise,]" said Jaime. "[You haven't called in a while, I was beginning to think you didn't like me any more.]" As he spoke, the tiny-chomper walked into Lnrgah's dwelling while Bgrarh swiveled his IR sensors to keep Jaime centered. Jamie took off his jacket and threw it carelessly aside, then with practiced speed shed the rest of his clothing. Bgrarh felt a sudden and very unexpected wave of angry protectiveness rise in his chest when faced with the false-color image of the naked tiny-chomper.

Lnrgah trotted back into view, and Bgrarh saw that he'd shed his clothing as well. The way that Lnrgah's tongue lolled out in evident lust made Bgrarh's anger rise further. "{No, it wasn't that!}" said Lnrgah. "{I can never get enough of you. I'm so glad you're here, I've had such a stressful day.}" He reached out and dropped a credit chit into Jamie's hand, then combed one extended claw through the tiny-chomper's headfur.

Jamie tossed the chit onto his pile of discarded clothing. He then took the extended paw and placed it alongside his face. "[Bad day at work? Then I'm here to make you feel better. Now lie back and tell me all about it.]"

Bgrarh spun away from the screen as the two figures intertwined, but he could still hear Lnrgah complaining about his boss and coworkers while Jamie made soothing noises. Both voices eventually devolved into pants and moaning, and at that point Bgrarh reached behind him to shut off the audio feed to his implant. It took a lot of deep breathing before Bgrarh finally felt his anger abate.

Oscar gestured to the rec-room display above and behind him, which now showed three human faces with small text beside each portrait. As a reward for sitting on his ass he got to deliver the summary of what they'd discovered thus far. All but one of his pack sat in a semicircle around him, their tails wagging ever so slightly. Oscar didn't have the Dorarizins' keen sense of smell but he could detect the calming, almost woodsy scent of a contented pack. Most of that contentment was due to their adopted human now working hand-in-paw with them instead of being in a snit.

He tried to sound professional and confident, which was undermined a little due to the last member of the pack, Myyreh, sprawling on her back next to him with her head in his lap. With one hand Oscar groomed her head while with the other he pointed at the first image. This was of a darker-skinned man with brown eyes and an aristocratic set to his features. "This is Jaime Dávalos, AKA 'Large Supreme'. Born in Barcelona. His file is spotless, no red flags. Applied to the placement program about a year ago, but failed the safety training. His assignment as base support appears to be a consolation prize."

His finger moved down to the next image, that of a round-cheeked Asian woman with a merry smile. "Tam Ji-Min, AKA 'Large Hawaiian'. In spite of her 'code name', she's actually from South Korea. Never applied to the placement program, and was a member of her country's military until she volunteered to be part of this colony experiment. As in Jaime's case, her file is clean."

Now he pointed at the last picture, that of a woman with short-cropped blonde hair and pale, flawless skin. "Last but certainly not least, we have Thora Nedergaard, AKA 'Large with Double Pepperoni'. A native of Denmark, no military or civil service on her record...which is just as suspiciously clean as the other two."

"[Do you think their files have been altered?]" asked the Captain.

"I think their files are purest fiction. They're all too short, for starters. We have no idea if these are their real names, my guess is not. Anyways, we now have video and audio evidence of all three of 'em taking cash in exchange for sex."

"[Don't remind me,]" said Bgrarh. He ground his teeth in evident anger, a sharp contrast to his bright and cheerful floral-print shirt. Oscar made a mental note to ask his big friend what had him so worked up. Bgrarh had never so much as batted an eye at any of Oscar's public displays of affection with Myrreh.

Oscar continued. "I think we have enough to pay a visit to Henry. My only question is if we should arrest Thora beforehand, during her next 'extra-fast delivery'."

The Captain stood and crossed her arms. "[Not yet. The evidence we have so far isn't admissible in a [Jornissian] court. The clients we've filmed will claim that they were recorded without permission while performing an act which isn't illegal. [Hnnresnthsh] will know that. He'll remain silent and admit nothing. His advocate could tie this case up in the courts for years.]"

"And without Henry's confession, Valentin will only go after the pizzeria for the prostitution, not the spying." Oscar let out a growl of frustration.

"[We need more evidence,]" said Myyreh. Her eyes were half-closed in bliss as Oscar stroked the fur between her ears.

He looked down at her with a raised eyebrow. "We've got enough evidence to choke a horse!"

"[Sorry, I meant we need to make our own evidence.]"

Oscar sat for a moment, then grinned. "Oh, I get it. Dang, that's some first-class thinking Myra."

The lean Dorarizin wriggled at his praise.

The Captain tilted her head. "[I don't understand. Surely you don't mean we falsify evidence?]"

"Nope. We'll do a sting operation. One of us poses as a new arrivee on the planet. We give 'em a fake ID, make 'em look like the type of mid-level functionary that these spies go for. Then our fake bureaucrat calls and orders some pizza with double pepperoni."

"[Catch [Thora] in the act,]" mused the Captain. "[We won't have problem of recording without our pack member's permission. The evidence will be perfectly admissible.]"

"[We could also drop [Hnnresnthsh's] name before the bust!]" Bgrarh's tail wagged harder. "[If [Thora] admits he's a client of hers, that'll be more pressure on him to confess.]"

"Good thinking, Benny." Oscar then looked in a calculated fashion at Bgrarh, and noted a similar scrutiny of the big Dorarizin from the rest of the seated pack.

Bgrarh was no dummy, and he picked up on the implication of those stares. "[Wait, no! It can't be me!]"

"[Well it sure can't be me,]" said Myyreh from Oscar's lap. "[I've been in the base, they'll know me by sight.]"

"[I've visited the base as well,]" said the Captain. "[So I fear I'm also out of consideration.]"

Bgrarh stood, his paws held out as if to ward off a charging rhino. "[Please, Captain, no. I couldn't betray you like that!]"

The Captain stood as well and placed a calming paw on his shoulder. "[You do realize you're not actually going to have sex with the [human], right? We'll stop it before anything untoward can happen.]"

"You would be ideal, Benny," said Oscar. "You've got that 'innocent and nervous' vibe going for you."

Bgrarh glanced around at his pack, then straightened and saluted the Captain. "[Permission to speak privately with [Oscar], ma'am!]"

The Captain raised a curious ear, but nodded. Myyreh sat up with her own curious head-tilt as Oscar rose to his feet. "All right, Benny. C'mon and step into my office."

Once they were in Oscar's quarters, Bgrarh dropped to one knee in front of the human. Oscar still had to look up to meet Bgrarh's eyes, but at least he didn't have to crane his neck way up like usual. The big Dorarizin's ears were still flat against his head in anger.

He put a hand on his friend's shoulder, feeling the tense muscle under Bgrarh's fur. "Benny, relax. What's wrong?"

"[You do know I'd never harm you, right?]"

"Of course. You're my friend."

"[And you are mine, as well as my packmate. Please, can you talk the others out of this? I'll do it if I have to, but...]" He trailed off.

Oscar squeezed Bgrarh's shoulder, which felt a bit like squeezing granite. "Why does this have you so wound up? You know that Myra and I do more than kissing and handholding."

"[Yes, but I trust her! She's a packmate, and she's been properly trained. When I saw Lnrgah with that [human], it just made me so angry. He could have hurt the [human]!]"

Bgrarh dropped his head to stare at the deck, not meeting Oscar's eyes any more. "[Now everybody wants me to do something like that with [Thora]. I know it won't go all the way, but what if I hurt her?]"

Oscar took his hand off of Bgrarh's shoulder and reached up to pet the Dorarizin's head. At first Bgrarh trembled at the touch, then as the human repeated his caressing he relaxed and gave a few wags of his tail.

"You're trained to be around humans, Benny. I trust you. And Thora has, er, 'been with' plenty of aliens who aren't trained. She's a big girl, whatever she does is something she chose to do."

"[I know. Just like I know in my head that [Jaime] is an adult, and he was the one taking advantage of Lnrgah. But I can't help myself. On instinct I still think of both of him and [Thora] as defenseless pups. And that makes me angry with myself. No matter how long I've worked with you, no matter how many times you've proven yourself brave and capable, I still have this reaction to 'protect the [human]'. I should be smarter than that.]"

"Speaking as a human, I'm very glad you keep that instinct. Speaking as your packmate...if you're really dead-set against this, I'll talk to the Captain. But you would be ideal. If you go through with this, I'll be watching over you. I promise, I'll be right beside you, every step of the way."

Bgrarh pressed his head forward into Oscar's hand. "[You promise?]"

Oscar smiled. "Pinky swear." He'd taught the crew about that particular human idiom. Bgrarh smiled as he picked his head back up, shaking Oscar's hand away. With utmost care, the Dorarizin reached out and hugged the human to his chest.

"[Thanks, [Oscar]. If you're watching over me...I'll do it.]"

Oscar returned the hug, then leaned back and tapped Bgrarh right in the middle of his loud Hawaiian shirt. "Let me guess. Magnum P.I.?"

Bgrarh gave a sheepish shrug of his ears. "[Of course. [Higgins] is the bomb! Did I say that right?]"

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