While Ophelia was going through her early life crises the rest of us still had, jobs, school, and our own lives to attend to. This separation from my family made life as an adolescent much more difficult as I dealt with a plethora of predicaments, much like the one that follows. This story is one that spans several years and is honestly difficult for me to recount due to its nature. It all began in the 3rd grade when a new boy was introduced to our class. This individual will simply be referred to as Sebastian, and we grew to be inseparable friends for a long time. Sebastian had short black hair, dark olive toned skin, and eyes a deep brown that could be misconstrued for black in the right light.

Our friendship was an unlikely one at that, and it all began by him approaching me for advice on how to make another girl, named Beatrice, like him. Now Beatrice was by far a more attractive individual of the female sex with her long legs, long black hair, and almond brown eyes, but in all truthfulness she was incredibly stuck up. If this were a girl on the show “Recess” she would've been one of the Ashley’s.

Honestly, I was surprised that Sebastian would come to me, of all people, for advice on girls. I mean quite frankly I wasn't and remain not your typical girl. I was more of a tomboy than anything. I wore baggy clothing because I hated my body and knew how my parents felt about being immodest. Plus, my body just never seemed to match my personality. I'm a good mixture of extrovert and introvert. Boisterous, fun, the general life of the party, but I also need time to recharge my batteries and enjoy the peace of being alone. My outward personality always wants to burst from the seams and can feel larger than life, but instead I was given a frame of 5 feet maximum on a good day. My hips are wide and my breasts are large, which combined with my blonde hair makes people think I’m an idiot for some reason. Like how does blonde hair and big boobs correlate to dumb? Who made that up? Rude! But that's what people see, even today. They just see what they want to see, and there's no use losing sleep over it.

I was essentially the antithesis of what we'd call “beautiful”. You know, long legs up to your torso, tall, thin, tanned skin, blue eyes, etc.; that was what we were sold was beautiful. Meh, whatever, right? We get what we get out of our genetic soup, I suppose. Now while my appearance has improved over time, these feelings have stayed with me over the years. Many of my friends with actual fashion sense have taken me under their wing at multiple points of my life. "Why are you always hiding your body?" Well, because I was raised to.

Anyways, back to young Roslyn, I had no concept of color coordination whatsoever. My hair was a wild mess of sun-bleached blonde tangles because I never wanted to brush it. I didn’t understand the concept of make-up, so I just denied its very existence and figured if I couldn’t be admired for who I was then that person didn’t deserve me. Which any strong woman would say, but it still hurt that no one loved me for who I was without the illusion of togetherness that make-up could provide. Honestly, I kind of looked like one of the headhunters from the labyrinth in child form. Looking back, this is why would Sebastian want my advice? I was unbearably unattractive and I didn't have suitors lined up to come date me. Was it that I was non-threatening? Who knows, man? Why anyone would ask me for advice on women was beyond my level of understanding.

However, Sebastian was rather insistent that he must woo this Beatrice if it was the last thing he did on this Earth. So I gave him simple advice like a) be nice to her, b) maybe write her a poem (I don't know, some girls like that, right? It was definitely not an idea he was fond of), c) just talk to her like a normal person (which he seemed incapable of doing) or d) pursue another crush if all of the above didn’t pan out. Needless to say Sebastian’s relationship with Beatrice ineed didn't pan out, despite the fact that he pursued her fervently until the end of 6th grade.

I started out feeling sorry for Sebastian but as time went on the things that deterred Beatrice and other girls from being interested in him began to charm me. For instance, Sebastian was pretty obsessed with Austin Powers, so much so that for Halloween in the 5th grade he dressed up in the lead characters blue velvet suit with the ascot, the glasses, and even the astrological symbol for mars (♂). Sebastian even went as far as to wear the suit a few times to school just for the hell of it. Unfortunately for Sebastian, girls like Beatrice were superficial and saw this as an eccentricity that was down right appalling. Yet I saw it as not only kind of funny but also brave in its own right. Sebastian was simply embracing his funny and eccentric side and if Beatrice and other girls couldn’t respect that than they weren’t worth their weight in gold. What other people found out there, I found oddly endearing and human. However, the world is full of these people who want to put on the façade that we aren’t all a little bit weird on the inside, and that isn't likely to change any time soon. Sebastian was pretty crushed after he realized that Beatrice wasn't going to date him any time in the near future, and so he and I moved on to bigger and better things.

Having grown up with Sebastian and having lived in a similar area, we both wound up attending the same junior high school together. I was so excited to learn that we wouldn't be separated as me into a new realm. Junior high was this scary new world, so I was excited when he chose to bridge the gap between the world of adolescence and what I viewed as adulthood (obviously still a form of adolescence), by sitting at a table with Anastia and I. All of his best guy friends followed along as well: Jordan, James, Pascal, and Colin.

Jordan was a tall gentlemen with sandy brown hair, thin lips, and heterochromia iridium (one blue eye and one brown eye). Jordan was certainly the muscle of the group; quiet, observant, funny, and protective of all his close friends. James was the shorter adopted brother of Jordan’s family who had dark brown hair with dark brown eyes; he was the funny man of the group. Pascal had carmel colored skin, and short curly mousy-brown hair with dark brown almost black eyes. Colin, the newcomer to the group had paleish-tanned skin, was as tall as his buddy Jordan, and equally quiet and reserved with a girlish face.

Naturally, as a girl heading into adulthood, I chose to be courageous and ask Sebastian for his number, which in front of all of these people I cared about was sure to be a huge embarrassment if Sebastian said "No". Yet by some grace of God, Sebastian said "Yes" instead, and asked for my number in return before quickly heading off down the hallway to get to class. As Sebastian walked away with his close group of friends they hit him on the shoulder, patted him on his back, and teased him mercilessly about our recent exchange. I, on the other hand simply sank into the cold metal bench next to Anastasia, and we proceeded to talk about what a huge crush I had on Sebastian. Which would be clear to a blind man if they were paying attention. Did he really have a crush back or was it all in my head I asked her plaintively. “Well, he wouldn’t have given you his number if he didn’t want to talk to you.” Anastasia assured, and she was right. I wouldn’t recognize this until I was much older, but men don’t really do things they don’t want to do. If they hang out with you it’s because they enjoy your company nothing more and nothing less.

That night I went home, did my homework, and sat down to play some Zelda: Ocarina of Time on my Nintendo 64 before dinner and thought nothing of the days events. Then after dinner the phone rang, which I also thought nothing of, until my mom approached me and said,

“Someone named Sebastian is on the phone for you. He sounds like a grown man.”

I was astonished, I guess I never really thought he'd actually call my house.

“No! That’s just Sebastian from school! I’ll take it!”, I screamed with joy as I ran back to my room to grab the chordless phone.

I know, we were pretty lucky to have a phone in our room. Ophelia who was now 16 talked on the phone as much as most teenage girls, which meant she needed her own cordless phone for our room. So I lucked out and got to speak to Sebastian in privacy, after I waited for my mom to hang up of course. I had never had a boy call to talk to me before and it was the start of something bigger than a crush for me.

Sebastian and I quickly fell into a routine of seeing each other at school, going home, doing our homework, and then Sebastian would call me on the phone and we'd talk for at least two hours each night. We covered every topic you could think of from music, movies, games, hopes and dreams, goals, to which people we had crushes on. One night our topic of conversation turned awkwardly sexual when Sebastian asked me who would “I most like to sleep with in the student body?” I made him go first because it was such an uncomfortable question, and surely we both knew my answer was Sebastian, but I didn’t want to let on. When Sebastian agreed to go first, he named another girl we went to school with. In turn, I aimed high and picked one of the more attractive guys at school, in an effort to casually mask how hurt I was that it wasn’t me he'd chosen. Sebastian also seemed slightly offended and then followed my question up with a quick sigh of disgust and then said, “Well, you know he’s sleeping with Mary, and he’s not even that cool. I don’t know what you girls see in him anyway.”

There’s a stagnant silence on the phone for a minute and then he says it, “…There isn’t any one else you are interested in?”

The question hung there like someone dropping a sledgehammer on the cold tile floor of an old library. My heart was pounding and I felt like I was going to explode but then it came out quiet and quick, "And you...”

The silence after my comment was deafening. There was no laughter and no admissions of deep amorous love from the other end of the receiver, so without breaking stride I quickly changed the subject to something else entirely. What was done was done. If Sebastian didn't know I'd like him before, he sure did now.

At this point our relationship was still the same, but I think I'd said what we both wanted to hear aloud. Our phone conversations grew longer, until my parents couldn’t stand hearing the busy signal when they called anymore. So Sebastian and I decided to start hanging out more often from now on outside of school. To make this idea seem less weird Sebastian suggested that we, the guys be included (Jordan, James, Pascal, and Colin) and that we start a band. It gave Sebastian and I the perfect excuse to hang out together. It was also believable because everyone played an instrument, and everyone knew I loved to sing.

Just like that it was decided that I would write the lyrics, Sebastian would play the guitar, Pascal would play the electric keyboard, James would play the drums, Colin would play the bass, and Jordan would be our manager. The guys came up with the name Richard Cranium, which I now see is clearly play on words. Get it, it means Dick Head. Ha ha ha very clever boys. However, the lyrics I wrote were awful because they were all about my unrequited love for Sebastian and they certainly didn’t fit with our bands name. Honestly, nothing ever came of our band other than a lot of funny nicknames, they called me Kitty. I hope now that it’s because of the time I thought I saw a dog in the street in the distance, and I was like, "Oh is that a kitty?!" and they were like, "That's a Rottweiler.". It was definitely time for glasses at that point. But knowing how horrible 13-year-old boys can be, I can only imagine it was a double entendre about vaginas. Also a lot of time was spent hanging out in Sebastian’s garage hanging out.

Hanging out with all of them, I never felt like a girl or like the odd man out. I was always just one of the guys, which wasn’t too far from the truth. I wore baggy clothing because at the age of 13, I had baby fat that I hated. My boobs were coming in, but not quite yet in an attractive adult way. I never wore make up and I certainly never blow-dried or even combed my hair. Also because I hadn’t experience body odor yet I didn’t really use deodorant. I had barely just convinced my mother that I should be able to shave my legs like my older sister was doing and my period hadn’t made an appearance just yet (don’t worry it was totally on its way to ruin my life). To be honest, I probably looked like a character from “Where the Wild Things Are.” Yes, I do mean one of the giant monsters, or because of my height maybe one of the monsters children. No wonder I felt like one of the guys, am I right?

I was fine with where things were. I'd confessed my feelings for Sebastian at least twice and he wasn't interested, so I just shrugged it off and we went along as though nothing had happened. However, that feeling I'd cherished of being one of the guys totally changed one summer Saturday morning when Sebastian invited me over to his house. The stipulation being that his parents were home, so it would be fine if I went to his house. It was hot and I didn’t own any shorts, ironic because I lived in Arizona and it had to have been 108 degrees outside. Also, I owned a skateboard so I’m not too sure why I chose to walk all the way there, but I did. I was wearing Ophelias old dark navy blue parachute pants that she'd outgrown and an oversized black t-shirt. In hindsight I was sweating balls because I wore dark colors in the desert and walked 20 minutes to get to Sebastian’s house.

When I arrived at Sebastian’s he opened the door, and clearly looked as though he'd just recently woken up. He was still in his gym shirt and shorts, which our school required us to wear for physical education. I noticed that his mom, dad, older and younger brother weren’t home, so I mentioned it.

“They’ll be home soon.” he said.

“How soon are we talking? I was told I couldn’t come over if your parents weren’t home.” I replied.

Man, what did I think was going to happen? That my parents would sense I was acting against their wishes and they'd drop out of the sky like SWAT in a bad action movie? No one was going to know about this unless I told them, which I obviously didn't.

“I know but it won’t be long and your parents don’t have to know about it.”, he said flopping down on the couch opposite to me nonchalantly, leaving the door open for me to choose to crosh the threshold.

I bridged the gap and stepped through the front door, letting it close delicately behind me. Sebastian was acting strange and we both knew it. Normally whenever I arrived there was something he had planned for us to do. We would go skateboard outside, go for a walk, head down the street to see Jordan, James, or Pascal, or even play some music in the garage. However, today he just sat on the couch opposite mine in his school gym clothes playing Resident Evil, which wasn’t actually all that riveting for me as an observer. After about 10 minutes of sheer silence I go to grab some orange juice from the kitchen. I re-enter the living room, sit down, take a drink, and go to set the orange juice on the table next to the left side of the couch that I'm sitting on when Sebastian says,

“Roslyn, would you let me eat you out?”

I miss the table and completely drop my orange juice on the living room floor, and part of the couch.

A million things are going through my mind in the blink of an eye. Did he just say that? Is he serious? Does he really want to do that? Why would he want to do that to me or anyone else? I am so fat. I shouldn't have worn these pants, you can totally see the indentation of the waistband on my stomach if I take them off. I don’t have sexy underwear like Ophelia has from Victoria’s Secret. I'm not pretty enough for him to want me like that. What does this mean? Does he even like me? How is this going to change our friendship? Does he want me to keep my shirt on? Is he going to turn out the lights and light candles? (It's broad daylight, would that have mattered?) What if he thinks I’m ugly? What if he tells everyone about it? This is wrong, right? What would my parents think? Do I really want to be that kind of girl?

Looking back on it the silence for Sebastian must have gone on forever, as we both struggled to clean up the orange juice mess, but my brain was full of the noise and chaos of my questioning mind. He finally broke the hurricane force winds of my thoughts by saying

“…So? Will you let me? I really want to.”

It was strange the way he was asking me this as if it was just some favor I’d be doing him. Was he trying to gain a better understanding of the inner workings of the human vagina at the age of 13? Doubtful at best.

“What does that mean for us? Where does that leave us?”, I asked almost as if we were in a scripted screenplay and this was the turning point of a great dramatic scene.

“Well you know, it’s just a friend thing.” he replied, calmly.

What? You think that burying your face into my vagina so you can get off to the thought of it later or maybe get some sort of reciprocation from me is “just a friend thing”? Even at the age of the 13 I knew that this was not something friends did and also a complete load of bullshit. Or did he just think I was going to let him practice on me so someone else that he actually wanted to date could reap the benefits? Not only that in most cases as an adult giving or receiving head from your partner almost indefinitely leads to sex. Let's be real here, did he think I was that easy? Did he even think of me at all?

Instead of being flatter or interested, (which believe me I was interested), I knew what Sebastian was really saying was “I want to get the benefits of being your boyfriend but I just don’t want to call it that.” Which roughly translates to I like you, but I'm also embarrassed about it and therefore I don’t want any of our friends to know about it. Did he honestly think that line was going to work on me? Did he have that little respect for me that he just assumed I’d be on board with this shoddy idea?

I headed towards the door and said, “I think I should go.”

As he was about to begin his rebuttal, I opened the door and ran into his mother who asked me where I was going. I replied that I'd be going home and Sebastian followed me out to the porch to apologize. However, Sebastian’s apology was more like a justification of what had just transpired in the living room.

“Hey! Don’t leave just yet.” he said to me as I stepped off of the porch and onto the sidewalk. “I’m sorry. It’s just that I thought you'd understand that it’s just a friend thing.”

I didn’t even turn around to say goodbye, instead I yelled back, “Yeah.” It was all I could muster as tears started streaming down my face in silence.

Sebastian yelled back at me, “I’ll call you tonight.”

I didn’t respond. Instead I sat in the field in between Sebastian’s house and mine and cried away the hurt until I couldn’t cry anymore. I didn't cry in front of anyone and I certainly wasn't going to look suspicious and have to explain myself to my family. After I was able to get the crying under control, I headed home. Sebastian was true to his word and he did call that night, but we didn’t speak about what had happened earlier that day at his house.

To this day I'm not sure what made me angry enough to say no to Sebastian. It isn’t like I didn’t like him or that I hadn't grown to have a deep loving friendship with him. I also had no previous experience with rejecting anyone’s sexual advances. Who was I to reject the only person who had ever hinted at finding me even mildly attractive?

Honestly, if my husband woke me up early to tell me he just wanted to go down on me I'd be beyond flattered. Probably a little groggy, but I wouldn’t question if he truly cared for me. I wouldn’t think about how hideous I am or what other people would think of me because it's my business. I'd simply feel loved, wanted, and needed by the person I vowed to share the rest of my life with. Was this any different a feeling than I should've had back then? Naïve though it may seem, I truly believed that Sebastian was going to marry me some day because we were a great pair together. So would Sebastian going down on me that day have been wrong, if I thought we would be together forever? Perspective is a tricky thing and it’s variables change the way we feel. Looking back as an adult, I know I wasn't ready to understand the repercussions of those actions, but I've often wondered what would've happened if I'd said, "Yes" instead.

If I had to boil it down to why I didn’t let Sebastian have his way with me that day, I guess it was because of self-respect. I believed that I was worth Sebastians’s commitment to me and only me, and without that he wouldn't be getting anywhere near my vagina. So I want to send a shout out to my parents and my older sister for teaching me that I was worth more than what some boy or man thought of me. Without them I might've let Sebastian take my heart and crush it because he was just a horny 13 year-old boy that didn’t seem to care that I truly loved him.

I'm not mincing words here folks, I really did love Sebastian more than I'd ever loved anyone. It wasn't until I met my husband that I found another spark similar to mine, and I really do stick by that. We had something special that I'm not sure exists more than once or twice in a persons lifetime.

Going forward our relationship resumed to normal, it was business as usual for about three months, until one fine Saturday morning Sebastian called me up and asked me to meet him by the canal that separated his house from my complex. We hadn’t spoken about the incident since it occurred. I hopped the fence behind the basketball court and met him by the canal. What a romantic place to meet right? Next to an artificial waterway built to transfer both fresh and wastewater to the wastewater treatment plant. You could actually see feces floating on the surface of the murky green water running through the canal.

Once I'd scaled the wall, we sat behind it and against a huge secondary wall full of dirt and rocks that separated us from the view of the canal, anyone walking on the canal, and anyone who could see us from the basketball court. I thought we would be going somewhere but Sebastian was sitting down. He had his roller blades next to him while his rollerblading boots were securely fashioned to his feet. He patted the ground to the left of him, motioning me to come to a sitting position. I sat down and he seemed rattled, irritated, almost like he was a recovering drug addict looking to score just one more fix. We blew through some idle chitchat and finally he burst with sexual frustration,

“Why won’t you just let me eat you out? I don’t understand. Anyone would jump on this opportunity! It’s just a friend thing anyways!!!”

He was clearly vexed with me and perplexed with why I wouldn’t let down my guard or my pants for that matter.

I was beyond livid with him! How could you approach me with some sexual endeavor like it would be (a) totally casual and (b) like you were God’s gift to vaginas everywhere! You’re right Sebastian, I should totally jump on this weird limited time offer that you could clearly rescind at any moment. Are you a car salesman for fuck sakes? I’m not purchasing something for the limited time offer of $19.95 on television. I'm fighting the larger battle against why you clearly like me enough to think about having sex with me, but not enough to be honest yourself or me about how you really feel! All of which I screamed in my head, rather than just being honest and telling Sebastian how his request really made me feel.

Despite feeling this way and being deeply wounded, I didn’t show it. I just kept a stone face and asked him the same question I did the last time we had this infuriating conversation.

“Where does that leave us? Are we friends? Are we going to be boyfriend and girlfriend?” , I retorted. I was just revving up my question making machine.

He had the audacity to respond to me with, “We would just be fuck buddies. You know? It would just be a friend thing.”

“This is not just a friend thing to me. Are you embarrassed to date me or something?”, I practically yelled.

“It isn’t that”, he said, “I just don’t want to ruin our friendship.”

He simply confirmed my suspicion that he had no intention of forming some deeper connection with me, but intended to use me as practice until the next best thing came along. What a win-win, right? That way he could wow this new girl with his sexual expertise and prowess. This wasn’t about wanting to ruin our friendship at all and frankly I wasn’t having it! I wouldn't be bombarded with excuses just so he could pacify my ego.

At this point I'm beyond enraged so I ask him, “So what did you think was going to happen today? How did you see this going? Did you just want me to drop trow right here and let you have at it out in the open? Right out here on the dirt and rocks?”

He replies, “Wow! Are you serious? Yes! That would be great!”

I give him a look of complete malice and disdain for his existence. That stupid goofy I’m going to get lucky smile slowly faded into a more somber expression,

“Or we could like go to my house if that would be better for you?”, he said as if there was still really any hope of him getting me to let him anywhere near me at this point.

I stormed off and told him to have a good day, hopped the fence, and walked back to my house. At this point there were no more tears for me to cry, I'd been hurt a second time and had no one to blame but myself. How could I believe that he'd be a decent young man when he was simply a product of all of the male role models in his life, which mostly consisted of the crew on Jackass.

We didn’t speak for a few days and then we began regularly speaking on the phone again. I pretended that I didn’t care about him anymore and started to give up on the idea that we'd ever be a couple. Eventually on the night of February 13th Sebastian called me after dinner. I'd already retreated to my room to play Zelda: Ocarina of Time. I figured if I was never going to be considered attractive or interesting to anyone, so I might as well just live in my room forever. Genevieve came into our room to hand me the cordless phone, which Ophelia had left in the living room. She told me who it was on the phone. I thanked her, greeted Sebastian and casually held the cordless between my shoulder and my left ear while I fight off several Stalfos skeletons in the Forest Temple.

Sebastian asks me, “What are you doing?” and I respond with a casual response as if his existence is meaningless to me,

“I'm playing Zelda.”

Abruptly he asks me, “Do you want to go out with me?”

That stops me in my tracks, “Like on a date?”, I ask?

“No.” he responds, “Like, be my girlfriend.” Silence for a second, while I realize this is what I've wanted.

I'm trying so hard to contain my excitement as I let the Stalfos bash Links brains in with their raggedy edged swords. I look around the room because it’s just me sitting in the dark by myself playing Zelda. Is this actually happening? Did I enter into the twilight zone or something?

“Sure.” , I finally say.

“Great.” Sebastian says. “I’ll see you at school tomorrow.”

Click. The dial tone comes in loud and clear. I pause my game and literally start jumping up and down and screaming, “It happened! It happened!”

“What happened?” comes my Genevieves voice from the other room.

I run into the living room and tell them that Sebastian asked me to go out with him. Rowen shoots me a look of disapproval, but Genevieve seems excited for me as she goes on and on about what a good boy he is. Man, if she only knew about his intentions at the time she wouldn’t have said anything kind about him. Rowen gives me a lecture about how there will be no funny business, no kissing, no hickies, no hand holding… Well maybe handholding is all right but that is about all we will ever be doing because my father clearly doesn’t want me to date until I’m 40; like all good fathers. I get the speech about how boys only have one thing on their mind, which in this case is unfortunately true. “I remember being a boy his age, Roslyn.” Rowen started off. I wish that he weren’t right but I see now that from about age 13 to 25 you’re just a wiggly sack of hormones, flesh, blood, and organs.

The next day I head to school; Sebastian and the gang meet up with my girl friend Rosette and I at the 7-11 on the way. Sebastian gives me a red teddy bear holding a honey pot, which sings “Sugar Pie Honey Bunch” by Four Tops when you squeeze its fuzzy little hand. I probably still have this teddy bear in a box somewhere today. Everyone proceeds towards the school grounds while Sebastian and I hold hands on the way there, which seems completely forced and uncomfortable. His hand is sweating and it’s only about 45 degrees outside. Nonetheless I am floating on cloud nine. We get to school early and head to the bleachers before class because I have PE for my first period. As we stand looking out over the mile long cross country course that cuts through the trees and the path between the baseball fields, Sebastian leans in to kiss me and I pull away. It wasn’t his fault or my fault but just an involuntary reaction that I tend to have when people get too close to me in either a mental, emotional or physical way. I didn't come from a family that hugged, or said I love you when we left the house, or that talked about our feelings. I wasn't good at being close to anyone, except for Sebastian. I saw the shock in his face and I knew that I'd made a grave mistake. I'd shown my hand and it said, "I’m uncomfortable with letting people in." The bell rang and Sebastian left for his first period looking rather downtrodden. It's not that I didn't want to kiss him, I just didn't know how to let him or anyone else in for that matter.

I figured we’d have more time to talk about my reaction to kissing him later. I thought I'd be able to explain to him that in my family we don't hug, kiss, or tell each other we love each other frequently. Up until I was 23 years old, we simply just coexisted as a group of people who happened to live in the same house. It wasn’t until I went away to study Biology at Western Washington University a few years ago that we even starting giving hugs to each other. Or telling someone we love them, when we won't see each other for an extended period of time. To be truthful, Rowen didn't say "I love you" in return until I was 29 years old. He'd just say, “Yeah. Be safe. Bye.” Which I understand in his own dad way is expressing his own version of love for his children. However, I didn't get a chance to explain any of this and that fateful day simply got worse. Sebastian and I had been inseparable for so long that even though we were only in the 8th grade, every teacher knew of us and had been waiting for us to start dating. Every time I walked by a teacher in the hallway they told me congratulations, which I can only assume happened to him as well. Our romance didn’t even make it passed 3rd period, he dumped me in the hallway between classes saying, “This just isn’t working out.”

I was beyond crushed. I blamed our teachers and friends for making such a big deal out of it. I also blamed myself for making it such a big deal, for recoiling at his kiss, for ruining our relationship exactly like Sebastian said dating would. I'd thought we could defy the odds. Unfortunately, we lived in the age of movies where dating always ruined once budding friendships. The idea of the friend-zoned guy or girl that eventually makes their way into the heart of their best friend hadn’t been invented quite yet. However, in reality when you fall in love with the right person, your physical and romantic love eventually blossoms into a friendship love anyways. So the joke was on both Sebastian and I. We were just doing things a little backwards, that was all.

We remained very close friends until around the 9th grade when Sebastian was hanging out with Rosette and myself one day. We were all on the canal and he asked to see our vaginas, just blatantly and outright. Surprise, the horny teenager remained ever the horny teenager. When both of us declined he followed us back to Rosette’s place and he asked if he could kiss one of us. I didn’t want our first kiss to be in front of Rosette so I declined. However, in a sudden twist of events Rosette accepted and full fledged made out with him in front of me! I felt betrayed, confused and depressed, so I made up an excuse about having to go home. However, I'm sure that both parties could see right through that, so Sebastian offered to walk me home. I declined but Sebastian insisted and on the way home asked me if he could kiss me. I told him no and not because I didn’t want to, but because I saw how he had shamelessly kissed my friend knowing that I cared about him so much. He walked me home in silence and that is the day that I realized we'd never date or be romantic with one another, because I cared too much about him and he cared too little about me. I was so hurt by what Rosette had done that I didn’t talk to her for a week or two. I've obviously since forgiven her, but I thought I'd hold onto that resentment forever.

Rosette recently moved to Washington and the first thing she said when we met up after a decade apart was, “I’m so sorry about kissing Sebastian.” I told her that it didn’t matter and that I don’t blame her anymore, but at the time I definitely did. It’s funny the things that people hold onto. The wrongs that you’ve done to others seem to weigh the heaviest on your mind even though those people have already forgiven you.

After that fateful day Sebastian began dating one of my friends, who shall be referred to as Kiley. Once their relationship became serious Sebastian stopped calling to talk to me and eventually we drifted steadily apart throughout the years. While I still hung out with the rest of the gang, Jordan, James, Pascal, and Colin, nothing was really ever the same again between Sebastian and I.

The very last time I talked to Sebastian in person he was struggling with something deep and personal. He opened up to me in front of Jordan and Pascal, outside of the Laundromat that Rosette and I used to cut through to get to junior high. My family and I were moving up to Washington in t-minus 2 days. I'd all but given up on the idea that I even crossed Sebastian's mind, since he obviously was having amazing sex with my friend Kiley. It was something I’ll never forget, his last words to me were, “I miss talking to you like this.” I responded in kind.

Obviously his relationship with Kiley didn't last until the end of time. We both moved on to different things, different paths, different lives. Not long after that, I met and married my high school sweetheart and couldn’t be happier. So let this be a lesson to all of you ladies and gentlemen out there that you don’t have to let someone take advantage of your feelings for him or her by telling you, “It’s just a friend thing.” You can stand up and say, "No, I care about you. If you don't care about me in the same way, then I'm not interested."

I never told my family about these events because we weren’t super close. As you’ll learn later, there were a lot of things going on during this period of time in our lives. Ophelia was off doing her own things and being her own person while my parents were desperately trying to control her and steer her down the straight and narrow path. We simply just didn’t have the open type of relationship where I could explain my feelings or the situation with Sebastian.

I think that if my family were to read this they'd be shocked that I didn’t tell them about any of it, but the truth is I didn’t think that they would care. So let that be another lesson to you, don't go it alone. I probably would've been able to move on from these events so much sooner, if I would've just told someone about it. Instead, I let my experience with Sebastian make me feel further unworthy of love. Until I met my husband, and even long into our relationship, I didn't feel that I deserved to be loved by anyone. I let the voice in my head tell me that I didn't deserve love, compassion, or commitment. No one should have to live that way.