Chapter Twenty Three

Kulgan went charging after the giant spider without a moment's hesitation, making the web beneath him bounce so much that it nearly threw Za free.

"Hey!" he yelled. "Hey, I'm talking to you, you d'yargo puke drinker!"

The queen titantula froze, and spun around in a blur of size and legs to regard Kulgan with massive eyes that glinted like rubies in the gray sunlight. Kulgan skidded to a stop in her shadow.

"Yessssss?" it asked in a voice like a freezing wind blowing through a withered old skull.

In that instant, all of Kulgan's years of training, of facing the worst horrors the Graylands had to offer, deserted him, and a dark wet spot appeared on the crotch of his pants. His tongue, which had always had a cutting remark ready, suddenly found itself dry and useless, and all that came out of his mouth was a squeaky and pathetic, "Meep!"

Luckily, Za came to the rescue.

"You've got my Miss Adlis in one'a those cocoon things!" he declared, shoving Kulgan out of the way and pointing an accusing finger at the building-sized spider. "You better let her go before I... before I... teach you a lesson, you big ugly bug!"

The queen titantula drew back with his hissing gasp, her eyes widening with surprise.

"How DARE you addresssss the royal highnesssss in such a dissssresssspectful way?" she demanded.

"I'll do it again if you don't let Miss Adlis go!"

Kulgan did a double take, staring at the simmk. Where the Pit had this come from? It was like he was a completely different person. Not even a simmk at all! Before he could dwell on it, though, the queen shrieked-- a sound that sent shivers down Kulgan's spine, and an army of titantulas emerged from the maze of webs to surround her.

"Thisssss one hasssss hurt Mommy'sssss feelingsssss!" she yelled, pointing an oversized leg at Za. "Kill him, my babiessssss!"

The smaller titantulas surged forward, looking like a flood of gray water as they made for Kulgan and Za.

"Well, you got us into this," Kulgan said. "I hope you have a way out."

"You got us into--"

Kulgan grabbed Za under the shoulders. "All right, then," he said, and then jumped.

Wow, deja vu, he thought as he plummeted through the web, the gray cliffside a blur of motion. Even Za's scream sounded the same as before.

They fell for less than twenty feet before landing on another strand of web. It bent down like a rubber band, and then shot back up, and since the strips of skin around Kulgan's feet kept him from sticking to it he and Za were launched into the air again. This time, Kulgan shifted his weight to the left, sending them both spinning wildly as the flew through the web, and he held out Zam and Zagyr and squeezed both triggers until the chambers were empty. They landed again, and twelve dead titantulas rained down from all around them.

"Miss Adlis!" Za whined, tilting his sightless eyes back up toward the queen.

"You mind letting go, Sackhead?" Kulgan grunted. "I can't Pitting breathe!"

All the simmk's prior bravado had evaporated like rain under the desert sun. "B- But we gotta go get her!"

"Relax. She's going to bring her to us."

Kulgan looked up to watch as the enormous spider descended, step by step, bring her closer to--

"Did you wet yourself, Mr. Kulgan?"

Kulgan stiffened. "I most certainly did not!"

"I think you did, Mr. Kulgan. I can smell it."

Kulgan's cheeks burned, and he rounded on the insolent simmk. "You'd better watch your mouth, or I'll kick you right off this--"

The titantula queen's jaws closed, biting Kulgan clean in half. Za stood where he was for a long second, watching sightlessly as Kulgan's legs fell to their knees, and then toppled off the web entirely. He lost "sight" of them somewhere around fifty feet below.

"Oh..." he whispered, and then turned to look up at the titantula queen.

"Would you care to repeat what you sssssaid to your little friend?" she asked, and jerked her head forward-- and Adlis swung into view.

"Miss Adlis!" Za screamed.

She was still wrapped in her web cocoon, but the queen had unraveled enough for her head to peek out. When she saw Za down below, she screamed as well.

"Za, help me!"

She swung back and forth like a pendulum, and Za's painted eyes followed her path even though he couldn't see her.

"Tell her what you sssssaid!" the titantula queen demanded.

Za's knees were knocking together. He was trapped, Adlis was being held captive, and Kulgan, their only way out of this d'yargo place, was dead!

"If... If I say it, w- will you let her go?" Za asked meekly.

"Why sssssshould I do that?"

All around them, the smaller titantulas were anxiously pawing --was that the right word?-- the web beneath their spindly feet, eager to pounce and tear him to shreds.

"B- B- Because I said it, not her!" Za insisted. "D- Don't punish her for w- what I did!"

"Za," Adlis yelled, "whatever you're thinking, don't do it!"

The queen, however, actually seemed to be considering it. "Very well," it finally agreed. "I will let thissssss one go if you confesssss your ssssssin!"

"Za!" Adlis screamed. "Don't do it! I forbid you to do it!"

Za looked up at the dangling zik maiden, and if he'd had eyes a tear would have fallen from one of them.

"I'm sorry, Miss Adlis," he said, so quietly he wasn't sure that she could hear him, "but I'm a free simmk now, and I don't have to take no orders from nobody!"

"Za..."

Za squared his shoulders, planted his feet firmly on his strand of web, and forced his knees to stop shaking.

"I... I called you a...." He took a deep breath. "I called you a big ugly bug!"

As one, the smaller titantulas froze, and a resounding gasp shook the web fibers beneath Za's feet.

"That'sssss right, my babiesssss!" their mother hissed, narrowing her eyes at Za. "What must we do to one who ssssayssss ssssuch thingsssss?"

"H- Hold on!" Za cried, raising his hand. "You said you would l- let Miss Adlis go!"

"And a queen alwayssss keepssss her promissssesssss," agreed the massive spider. With two of her gargantuan eight legs, she plucked Adlis from her belly, still wrapped from toe to neck in titantula web.

Then she threw her to the smaller spiders.

"Miss Adlis!" Za shouted, but he was too slow. Adlis let out a quick scream as she was falling, and then an even louder one when she was set upon by hundreds of titantulas all at once. Within seconds, a mountain of writhing, wrestling spiders sat where Adlis had just been, and even Za couldn't hear her scream anymore.

Za fell to his knees in shock, heedless of the web goo that stuck him there. "Miss Adlis..."

The titantula queen towered above him. "Now, what ssssshall I do with you, dissssresssspectful one?"

Slowly, Za raised his painted eyes to look at the titan spider, and clenched his fist in an unexpected, but quickly rising fury.

"Kill me," he said in a low, dangerous voice, "if you can!"

With that, before the queen titantula could react, Za whipped out his flint and tinder and struck it, sending sparks raining down on the strand he was stuck to. It ignited immediately, making the queen take a step back in surprise, and Za leaped to his feet and took off running as quickly as he could across the mazelike web. The flood of smaller spiders surged toward him, but stopped when their mother shouted at them.

"Ssssstop! The insssssulter isssss mine!"

She came thundering behind him, though Za wasn't sure how she managed to thunder anywhere on a flimsy spiderweb. Even so, he sensed her coming long before she reached him, and a scant second before her sharp venomous jaws --the same jaws that had killed Kulgan-- could close around him, he leaped off of the web entirely! The queen cursed as he left her behind yet again, and then...

He was falling. The last few strands of the titantula web whizzed past without touching him, and then there was nothing below him except the base of the mountain, thousands of feet away. And yet, he didn't panic. Not even a peep of fear escaped his lips. He flipped himself over so that his painted eyes were staring back up at the nest, and the furious queen.

"M- Miss Adlis," he whispered even as he fell, "I'm so s- sorry. I- I should have done something. Th- This is... This is my fault."

He took a deep breath and raised his shirt, exposing a couple inches of the blue, knobby skin of his stomach-- and his metal belt buckle.

"You weren't the only one keepin' secrets, though," he said.

With that, he punched his belt buckle with all his might. Light immediately erupted from it, light that he couldn't see, along with a shrill beeping. Down below him, he heard the ground crackle as something rose up beneath the surface, and then the boom as it broke free. A huge, massive something was flying up to meet him. In the space of a second, the whatever-it-was rose up all around him, and he landed on something soft, his falling momentum somehow vanished. With a whir, the opening he had fallen through closed itself around him, and he reached out for the buttons and levers that he knew by heart.

"I never told you, Miss Adlis," he whispered, "about my giant robot!"

He punched a button, and the rocket boosters in the robot's feet exploded, sending him flying back up toward the titantula nest. The robot was man-shaped, and nearly seventy feet tall. Taking two of the levers in hand, Za made the right hand reach behind the robot's back to draw it fifty foot long laser sword, while the other drew the laser gatling pistol that was holstered at its hip. Within seconds, he spotted the queen titantula.

"Hey!" he yelled, his voice digitally amplified over the robot's wicked awesome sound system. "Guess what?"

"W- What?" she asked back, meekly.

"You're still a big... ugly... bug!"

He raised his sword, and swung it, the laser blade cleaving through the web like a hot banana through a democrat. Thousands of the smaller titantulas were sent falling to their doom, while more still tried to scuttle up the side of the mountain the safety. Za opened fire on them, the gatling gun peppering the gray stone with so many white hot lasers that it nearly caused the entire side of the mountain to cave in.

"Pleasssssse!" the queen begged, down on her knees, and her knees, and her knees, and her knees. "Ssssspare me! Have mercccccy!"

"Mercy?" Za roared in justice. "Mercy like you gave Mr. Kulgan? Mercy like you showed to Miss Adlis?"

"I'm sssssorry! I promissssse I'll never do it again!"

But Za wasn't done yet. "Mercy... like you gave to my father?"

The giant spider froze. "You... You mean... No, it can't be!"

"That's right!" Za raised his gun and pointed it at her. "I am the son of Dlfgpeqokdfpewafn the Unpronounceable! You killed my father and sold me into slavery, all to inherit my father's cattle mine. And now I'm here to bring you justice!"

"I am begging you!"

Za lowered his gun. "There's only one way to kill a big, ugly bug."

"No!"

"You squash it!"

He raised the sword again, and cut three long gashes into the mountainside. At first nothing happened... but then, with a thunderous rumble, that entire section of the mountain fell free, leaving a triangular cave where the titantula nest had just been. The massive hunk of rock fell, taking the nest and the queen titantula with it. If Za had had lips, he would have smiled at the way the queen screamed all the way down, until...

THUD.

And also, SPLAT.

And with that, Za's vengeance was complete. Feeling strangely melancholy, he flew his robot up to the top of the mountain, where it sat down and put its metal chin on its metal fist in thought.

Now what? No Father, no Miss Adlis, not even a Mr. Kulgan to keep him company. He had dedicated his entire life to finding and killing the wicked spider and avenging his father, and now that he had... what purpose did he still have? He glanced sightlessly at the big, red button with the words SELF-DESTRUCT written above it, and his hand reached toward it, trembling.

Then he stopped. No. Father wouldn't want him to take his own life this way. Neither would Miss Adlis. Kulgan probably would have thought it'd be funny, but... well, screw him. Sitting up straight, Za took the controls in his fists with newfound determination and stood his robot up. Then, with slow and cautious steps, he began to long hike down the mountain. There was a thousand places he could go now, a million things to do. But before he could do that, there was still one question he needed an answer to.

Where could he buy some celery?