Alex's father, Amadeus Smythe was not a subtle man. He brute-forced all of his problems away, and any proof that I was involved in the murder was destroyed, including those directly involved. I wasn't left with much choice. The terms were simple after Alex chose his first wife and I had undergone the rite I would accept the role of his second wife. The mention of the rite was jarring at first, it had completely slipped my mind. Somewhere around four months remained before I would need to attempt it again. In exchange for my hand in marriage, the innocent woman they had locked up would be treated well and released after the wedding. Amadeus made sure to explain how magnanimous and kind his offer was considering the power he wielded as if he deserved praise for his heinous acts. Alex claimed to not know his parents' plans but I could no longer trust him at all.

I was allowed to continue living as if nothing had happened until the time came. Before I left, Alex insisted on getting an elixir to heal my arm. The green potion got to work instantly, I could feel the flesh and muscle of my arm slowly stitching itself back together. Alex escorted me out but as soon as I was allowed to, I left him and ran home alone. The week or so, until Hann got back, was rough. I spent all of my time laying in bed trying to justify my life. The self-loathing had become a part of me, or rather it was always there just festering out of focus. I thought that I could atone for my mistakes by dying but fate seemed determined to keep me alive and suffering. When Hann got back I told her about every major event. I spared no details, even telling her about my suicide attempt after I could work up the nerve. She listened patiently to everything before she told me,

"Your death won't fix anything. I'm not good with this stuff. Aaah! Burn-me, you are the worst parts of your mom and pops combined! The world doesn't rest on your shoulders Jo, it's okay to screw up. What's done is done and it is tiny compared to how much good you've spread. The old baldy told me how much you meant to those poor people, how much they looked forward to your performances. If I told you the types of things I've done you'd never look at me the same way!

I've been there, I've been at the bottom where all you want is to rot away until nothing is left. But you're dead wrong if you think just dying is enough to fix things. Did your dad's death clear up all of the sadness and anger your mom had? No. It just left her with no way to deal with how she felt, with everything she left unsaid.

I live every day trying to give back more than I took from this world and even with another lifetime I don't think I could succeed! If you die before me so help me Jo I'll follow you up there and kick your ass before the forge mother can drag me screaming to the furnace! If you really want to fix things then live."

Hann finished her shouting rant before hugging me tightly. Her feelings weren't enough to destroy the black mass of negativity that clouded my mind but the impact of her words did fracture it. It would take a long time to fully accept myself again but now I had a starting point. I pondered Hann's words for a month, during which she had laid bare many things to show me her conviction and trust. She was still unwilling to share specific information but I got far more than I deserved from her.

Hann knew of my singing side business within the first couple of weeks. Some guy drunkenly complained about how much time his wife spent talking about the experience with him. It only took a little investigation on her end to be led back to me, after all, I was asking people to spread the word to any who would listen. She wanted me to become more independent and didn't think too much could go wrong in two weeks so she didn't have many issues leaving me alone. Hann had much more faith in me than I thought and while it made my mistakes even more painful the knowledge was comforting.

Hann's trip wasn't for fun. She didn't say how she came across the information but she believed that I would die in under three years. She was so convinced of it that she wanted to chase a lead on extending my life. While I was thinking of giving up she was desperately trying to give me the longest life possible. The news was shocking but not life-changing. My mentality hadn't yet shifted.

Near the end of the month, I made some progress. In my mind's eye, I plucked a loosened chunk from the fractured mass and listened to it.

Only your death will stop the suffering you bring to others.

I agreed with the sentiment but Hann had offered me another way, it was far harder but somewhere deep down it felt right. For every death, I caused I wanted to save two lives, two treatments for every injury, two saved people for every one broken. Acknowledging the issue and solving it were two different things but from this shaky foundation, it felt like there was just enough stability to start working my way through it. I was never going to deal with the black mass all at once but piece by piece I could work through it. Step one was reaffirming that I deserved to live.

Once I had regained enough willpower to at least attempt to trudge on. I decided that I needed to continue improving. It helped to think of myself as already dead. That night in the sands I died, the dead didn't need to worry about themselves. It didn't matter at what personal cost my improvement came, after all, I was already willing to pay the greatest price. Instead of atoning with my death, I would repent with my life.

There were hidden blessings in this murky situation. If I was going to be used by others then there was no problem doing the same in return.

First, Alex or a family member could get me more of the elixirs I needed to continue my training, it could be disguised as satisfying his desire for a powerful wife. I needed a steady supply and I was willing to try almost anything to secure it.

Second, working my way into the good graces of house nobles like the Smythes could offer me many more opportunities to help the Bladeless. Both directly by donating any resources I got and indirectly by influencing a future house leader. Alex looked like he was kind enough to be swayed into seeing things as I did.

Finally, improving my singing has had almost no effect on my ability to tend. I needed specific guidance to get any further, these nobles had the resources to find me a tutor I just needed to think of a good excuse for it. Being false-dead was liberating in a way, even if I was found out, it didn't matter anymore. Ensuring my well-being had fallen to an extremely low priority. My new mindset was problematic but it was the only way I could keep myself from collapsing inwards.

The biggest hurdle loomed in the distance, the giant white tower in the centre of the city. I needed to not only survive the rite but trick everyone into thinking I passed it or find a way to delay it for another year. I figured that Hann must have planned some way for me to get around it so I threw out the question when she didn't look too busy.

"Yeah. You know what now's as good a time as any. I prepared a mixture of drugs and poison that should make you extremely feverish. Unless someone can figure out the ingredients I used it will be hard to get you fit enough to be at the rite."

I finally understood and stated with confidence,

"Oh! That's what it was, I think I found them under your bed."

Hann stopped in her tracks and turned around slowly, she looked pale and tried to force a smile,

"Under where, sorry?"

"Under your bed, I was trying to find something that could heal my arm a little better."

Hann looked flustered, her face turned a bright red that almost matched her hair. I explained to her the specifics of the night that I was forced to search her room and by the end, she just looked defeated,

"I knew I shouldn't have run out that fast."

Hann muttered before trying to look as friendly as possible. I didn't know where she was going with any of this and it must have shown because her smile faded and gave way to despair,

"I'm going to kill that idiot when I see her next. I thought that she of all people would have– never mind. Fine! I should probably figure out what you do and don't know before any more damage is done."

Our following awkward conversation was one I'd gladly forget if I could but like anything else I learned, it was absorbed and tucked into an empty spot in my brain. Definitions of words I thought I knew were corrected and new words were added. If nothing else it was a valuable reminder to not go through people's belongings.