Why did everything always turn out so terrible? An innocent woman was locked up. She was going to take the punishment that I was willing to commit suicide to avoid and for what? Because I couldn't bear to stand by and do nothing after seeing the boys despair, the pure anguish of a child watching his father tortured to death. I didn't understand how people could so easily overlook or participate in cruelty. Why couldn't things turn out alright for once? I must be truly hated by the forge mother, the gods got some sort of joy from my misery. I could think of no other reason why everything I touched turned out so horribly. Alex looked like he'd misheard me, he smiled and spoke in a calming voice,

"No, you're confused. Let me get some water for you and–"

"I'm not confused. Whoever they have locked up is innocent."

He opened his mouth to argue more but I cut him off,

"I attacked the guards. I rescued the so-called criminal and his son. And I killed the guard that chased us. She's innocent, it was all me."

Disbelief was the only expression Alex could muster. He whispered in a soft, trembling voice,

"You're mistaken. She killed three people yesterday, including a young boy."

The guards killed the boy. Either I didn't care anymore or I was too broken for the shock to register.

Another death that could have been avoided if you didn't exist.

I was numb to all sensations, even the debilitating pain that ravaged my skin was dulled. What was the point, why did the boy need to die? He was completely broken the last time I saw him, he wasn't a risk to anybody but himself. I couldn't fathom why they saw the need to cut him down, hopefully, he was at peace with his father at the great forge.

"No. He was alive. I saved him. I came back to check on him. I came to give him water. But he was gone..."

I placed a hand on the filled waterskin that hung from a loop on my dress. I hadn't drank a drop of water on the way, I wanted to make sure that he had enough to last until tomorrow night. I was sick of everything. I couldn't always be wrong, I was rash but I still felt like I thought through my decisions. Still, all of my plans either fell through or had catastrophic consequences.

The night is young, you could step outside and let the sands take you.

I gave up on my life but I wasn't so far gone that I could rest in peace right now, not while knowing that someone was being punished in my stead. My head was swimming with every mistake I'd ever made, all the lives I made worse and I couldn't take it. I felt sorry for Hann, she uprooted her life to keep me safe and now I was giving up. Somewhere deep down a muted pang of guilt hit me but I didn't want to fight anymore, I was too tired.

"Alex, in the morning I'm going to turn myself in."

My words had more conviction than I did. Willing myself into action was an ordeal, even standing up was almost too much effort to justify trying. My body felt sluggish, I just wanted to curl up and never move again.

"No! I didn't hear anything! They have the killer locked away. That's that!"

Denial, he was attempting to refuse reality. I didn't know what I could do if he became an opponent. If he decided to keep me here I didn't stand a chance, so my only option was to make him see reason.

"I can't. It's not right. I'm not going to live at the cost of others. If my confession can save someone then that's fine by me."

"Stop being stupid. You're not the type of person who would kill someone. You're too nice, you're just confused, let me–"

"Shut up and listen! Stop saying I'm confused, I know what I did! You treated my arm, you know that only a whip could have caused a cut like that. The same whip that they found outside, the one that I forgot to hide because it was buried with his chain mail. What about the barrel? Why do I know that the father's body was shoved inside it? Because I did it to hide the body, I see his mangled corpse every time I blink."

I had his attention now. I mentioned details that only the criminal would know and it looked like it was too much for him. He ignored me and began picking up the scattered pages of my books. He didn't know which page belonged to which book so he sorted the scraps by size and placed them in piles. I was stuck here for the night so all I did was watch him work. He found the covers and tried his best to mend the books but there were thousands of small pages and not enough time to fix even one of them. I didn't know for how long he worked away in silence but he had little to show for it. After a great deal of time he only had a quarter of a tome, he looked down at the slim excuse for a book with such profound loss. I didn't think that there was anyone besides me who cared so deeply about books. Then again he did stop by to read every day. Finally, he spoke again,

"I'm not supposed to be here, I disobeyed Mother and Father by leaving tonight. When I heard that there were murders, I wanted to make sure that nothing was out of place. I didn't want you to see this place all messed up. At first, I wasn't sure if I was doing the right thing but I'm glad I came. If I stayed home then you wouldn't be here anymore."

He dropped the unfinished book to the floor and sat right next to me, close enough to speak softly,

"Jo, do you really want to see the guards tomorrow?"

"Yeah."

He looked distraught but smiled through the pain.

"Let me take you to see my parents first, I might be able to get them to go easy on you. I could get you a nice cell, three meals a day might be pushing it but I can try. It's better than nothing."

I was about to object but his eyes pierced through me, they were so determined that they stopped the words in my throat. It was such a different look than the childishness he usually gave off. I nodded and together we sat in the darkness. Only minuscule slivers of moonlight that found their way through gaps in the shoddy building let us see. Despite how tired I felt I couldn't sleep. My head was a complete mess.

I tried forcing my negative thoughts back into the dark recesses they spilled out from. Unfortunately, now that the dam had burst it was far too late to pretend these thoughts didn't exist. I had accepted the negativity as fact, it seeped into every part of my mind and tainted it all. Memories that I once thought of fondly, like my performances in the slums, were now soured. When I revisited the memory, all I could think about was how self-serving it was and what happened to the kids because of me.

At some point, Alex fell asleep and was slumped over in a position that seemed too uncomfortable. I moved him to the ground gently and spent the rest of the night trying to regain some control of my mind. By the time the yellow-orange light of sunrise started sneaking through the cracks my physical pain had subsided. I was back to an itchy burn, I suspected that it wouldn't be too much longer before it faded entirely.

Eventually, Alex woke up with a start and profusely apologised for falling asleep, I tried to tell him that it was fine but he beat himself up over it. He grabbed my good hand and led me outside and down to the dwell. Almost all of the buildings were large and extravagant. They used materials like wood and glass everywhere and incorporated the same white stone as the city walls into their construction. Only a few buildings were small, servants' houses or favoured commoner owned shops. As expected Alex led me straight to the largest building. It surrounded the central column, a ring-shaped building that towered over all others.

Alex strolled straight past the large, wooden doors, this deep underground they didn't need to worry about the sands above. He walked around the outside until he came to a more modestly sized set of doors that were mostly hidden by a smaller building. He opened the doors and a wall of heat, sound and food odours rushed out, there was a myriad of different wordless songs all fighting for my attention. I could tell that it was a kitchen with my eyes closed. It was big but nowhere near the size I expected for a building this large. There were men and women at work cutting gigantic piles of meat and sand yams, blades of wind sliced the mounds and moving bowls of rock slid across the floor to wherever they were needed.

"Stay here for a little bit, please eat whatever you'd like. I just need to check if Father is busy. Tasha!"

"I'm here young master!"

A heavily pregnant woman who appeared to be overseeing the kitchen came over immediately. She practically threw the pan she was holding onto a table. Everyone openly carried their manifested blades on them, so it was strange when I noticed no visible weapon or music coming from her.

"Tasha, see that Jo eats something and don't leave her alone, I'll be back soon."

Alex checked if I was alright one last time before disappearing through another set of doors. Tasha asked about the types of food that I liked, I told her I wasn't hungry but she wasn't having it,

"You heard the young master, right? You need to eat something or it's my head that will roll."

She fetched a ladle and bowl and tasted a couple of the pots around the room. She spent a moment in thought after each sip before instructing the other chefs on what to add. She had mixed reactions from the others, some diligently added what she asked but others either reluctantly listened or refused her orders outright. I heard one cussing her out under his breath but all I could make out was 'filth' as she walked away. It didn't bother her though, she simply continued to do her job.

When she looked satisfied with the progress she discarded the bowl and grabbed a pan before starting cooking. Her movements were swift, it was clear to even a novice like me that she had talent. She seared some meat trimmings with salt and garlic that was smashed into a paste. Next, she fetched some heels of bread that were left on the side and let them soak up the meat juices and toast at the same time. The whole pan was flipped onto a plate and she brought it to me.

"Sorry! We're a little behind so all we had on hand were some scraps."

I ate a few bites of the meat and half a slice of bread. It was great food but all it did was make me nauseous. I spent the rest of my time there just watching Tasha work.