I was sitting in my office, enjoying a hot cup of coffee - one of the few things that I enjoy about the Human world - when Becca, my secretary, interrupted me.

“Good morning, Becca.” I said, greeting the girl.

I hired her about four months ago, and in those four short months she made me realize just how valuable a secretary could be. Why, I can hardly imagine any semblance of life without her now. Even at 20 she’s amazing at her job, but to be fair I originally hired her on a whim, mainly because she was a cute little thing with a dark nature and a soft spot for the occult. Her multicoloured hair that’s forever brushed to one side and the dozen or so piercing that highlighted her features made me notice her immediately, and coupled with those tight black jeans and shirt that extenuated her curves made the hiring process simple. Ok, I must admit I was looking for eye candy more than anything else at the time, but who’d have thought she was stellar at doing both.

Although she is an excellent secretary, she does have some faults. Her personality is rather… turbulent to say the least - not that I mind - but I can’t say the same about how the other workers feel. Let’s just say that she rarely gets along with her coworkers. Getting her to dress professionally is likewise impossible, but I do rather enjoy seeing her in her usual overly short kilt and her low-cut, black t-shirt that seems two sizes too small. A little bit of lust and corruption’s never a bad thing to have, but the image is pretty detrimental for productivity in the other workers, especially for the males.

“Got a call for ya, boss.” Becca said, interrupting my thoughts, “Says she’s calling from the Robinson house, though the chick on the phone sounds bat-shit insane. I told her to fuck off three times already, but she keeps calling back. Want me to call the cops or something?”

Ah Becca, the epitome of mannerism. It’s little wonder why she found it so difficult to get along with other people. I just smiled, took the phone from her and said, “It’s ok, I was actually expecting a call from them.”

“If you say so boss,” she said with a shrug, before walking away, “you pay me the big bucks.”

“Um, H-hello? I-Is this Mr. Mark Bastion?” the voice on the phone said, and I have to give it to Becca, this woman did indeed sound “bat-shit insane.“

“Speaking.” I answered.

“T-This is Elizabeth Robinson, and, um, I heard that you’re an exorcist, so maybe y-you could help.”

“I’m not sure where you got this number,” I said, feeling a smile creep up on my lips, “but my services are not cheap.”

“Oh! No problem, any amount is fine!” Elizabeth said, the desperation in her voice palpable.

“That’ll be $5,000 for the initial check up, prices will be negotiated afterwards.”

Elizabeth’s voice didn’t waver at all, or didn‘t waver more than normally did in any case, and she immediately agreed. I told her that I could go immediately, she told me her address, and everything was set. I opened my drawer and got a few props ready for the “exorcism”. With everything in place I left my office. I needed a few more actors for my work, and decided to see if my secretary could do more than file paper.

“Hey, kid.” I said to Becca, “You up for some field work? Some business with ghosts.”

Hey eyes lit up. She stood up, grabbed her jacket and said, “Don’t even have to ask, boss. And don’t call me kid!”

“I’ll do that when you’re not a kid anymore.” I said, “Oh, and go get Steven for me, he’s coming with us. Meet me downstairs when you get him.”

Becca’s big smile turned into a equally big frown. To say that Becca and Steven don’t along very well would be like saying like the former president Bush didn’t like the Taliban very much. I think Becca’s exact words to describe Steven was “a stuck up old prune” while Steve thinks of her as nothing but “an immature brat with no sense of respect”. Regardless of how much they hate each other, they both work for me, and unless they want to end up on the streets they have to get along, or at least work together. Plus, their bickering is always entertaining.

I left the office building that I was renting and took the old elevator down to the ground floor. The building that housed my business was in a reputable part of town, and through some lucrative means I managed to rent a space on the 13th floor for cheap. The space itself was still a little messy from the previous tenants, but over the years I’ve managed to fix the place up a fair bit and recruit some good people. Getting the bloodstains out of the floor was a challenge, and covering the rot was an ever harder chore, but it all worked out in the end. Still, money was tight when you‘re in my sort of business, especially in a era filled with doubt. Most people think you’re loony when you say you’re a professional exorcist, so I had to dabble in a bit of marketing on the side, which is why money was so tight.

I got out to the lobby and grabbed a coke from the vending machine. I waited a couple of minutes, and knew immediately that Becca and Steven have arrived. Poor Steven, the 58 year old gentleman was not used to the verbal abuse dished out by Becca. I almost felt sorry for the guy.

“Madam,” he said, his voice echoing down the elevator shaft, “need I remind you that we are meeting a representative from a reputable household? The way you dress will reflect our company, and they will be less than pleased when they see you dressed up… like that.”

“Fuck! Can you stop complaining about my god damn clothes? It’s my body, I can wear whatever I want. Maybe I should just go naked, seeing as you hate everything! I don’t know why the boss puts up with your stuck up bullshit!”

“It may be your body, but we are at work! The way you present yourself, which includes what you‘re wearing, directly affect the status of our workplace.”

“The boss never cares. And he invited me before you, so stop bitching.”

The elevator door opened, and the two happy workers stepped out. Becca was giving Steve the finger while Steven was simply shaking his head, staring at me with a look that read “why?”. I just smiled.

“Glad to see you two are getting along.”

“We’re not.” they said in unison.

I laughed, and tossed the bottle of coke at Becca, “Drink that and cool down. We got work to do.”

“Thanks boss,” she mumbled, still glaring at Steven, “let’s get this shit over with so I can get away from this prune.”

“Sir, why do you put up with her attitude?”

I just shrugged and offered a smile.

Becca laughed at that, strolled up beside me, and linked her arms around mine. Steven only groaned. I did like Becca, she had a devil-may-care attitude and was the kind of girl I would have gone for back in the old days, but it wasn’t like I didn’t like Steven either. He does tend to get too serious, but he’s reliable. He almost never loses his cool, but it seems that Becca can do a number on him. Like I said, I almost felt bad for the old guy.

We got to the car - a 1988 Crown Victoria that I got when it first came out - without much complaint from the two, and I drove us to the Robinson residence. It was a fair distance away, as the family are pretty well off and own quite a large plot of land, but we got there rather quickly by driving at 145km/h (don’t ask me what the speed limit on the roads actually are, I wouldn’t know) and breaking a few traffic laws. Becca loves the way I drive, and Steven never seems to mind - it’s one of the rare things that they don’t bicker about.

The estate itself was pretty impressive, the huge 120 acres of land they owned was well looked after, and the house itself stood 4 stories high, featuring stunning brickwork and three separate wings. It looked more like a castle than a house, now that I think about it. I could only imagine how much the whole place costs, probably a sum that would put a pretty sizeable dent into world hunger if it was donated. However, the beauty ended as we got out of the car. The closer we went the more I felt an increasingly dark, suffocating energy radiate from the place. It seems that my little friend has been busy.

“Boss…” Becca said, looking a little ill, “What the hell is that?”

“So you feel it too, huh?”

I knew that the girl had the ability to detect traces of the supernatural, but I didn’t suspect that she would be so sensitive to it. Then again, the amount of malice coming out of that place would affect anyone even remotely attuned to such energies. I took a glance at Steven and saw that he was just a little unnerved, but otherwise looking fine. It appears like only Becca is seriously affected.

“Are… are you sure we should go in?”

“No worries, it’s all part of the plan,” I reassured, “but you can stay in the car if you want.”

“Hell no,“ she said, feigning confidence, “I’m not letting the old prune take all the credit.”

Steven ignored her, and knocked on the front door. An old woman answered, looking six shades too pale with the clear signs of sleep deprivation. Her brown hair was frazzled and dirty, and her golden gown was wrinkled and stained with sweat.

“Elizabeth, I presume?” I said, shaking her trembling hand, “I’m Mark.”

“Yes, I’m Elizabeth.” she answered, her voice sounding a little more steady than before, “I have the $5 000.”

She handed me a little envelope, I took it and stuck the thing in my coat pocket without counting.

“Wonderful!” I said cheerfully, making my way in, “So what’s the problem?”

“It’s… I think the house is possessed by something.” she said nervously, gesturing my company and I to sit down, I did and allowed her to continue, “It started about a week ago. I didn’t think much of it back then, just getting some eerie feelings every now and again, like I was being watched. It wasn’t until the noises started that I knew something was wrong. I would hear curtains close, or footsteps down empty halls. We set up security cameras everywhere, but there was nothing…

“And then my husband started to get sick… he… he… passed away this morning.” At this point Elizabeth broke down into tears, it took her a few minutes to compose herself to continue, “H-he caught some disease that I’ve never seen before, boils and blisters appear on his body and he would break down into a high fever. I called every doctor I could find… they didn’t know what was happening. I even tried priests and exorcists, but they all fled. The servants quit soon after, and now I’m the only one left in the manor.”

“How did you find my number?” I asked, knowing perfectly well how she knew.

“I found your business card on the ground this morning,” she said, looking at me with hope in her eyes, “I don’t know how it got there, but maybe it was a sign from God, telling me that you’re here to help.”

Oh how wrong she was. I don’t think God was anywhere near the household at the moment.

“It’s clear that your house is possessed by some kind of spirit, a powerful one at that. A poltergeist perhaps.” I said, trying my best to keep the smile off my lips, “To attempt to remove something like this would be risky to say the least… I’m not sure if I’m willing to risk the lives of my coworkers so easily.”

“Please!” she begged, “If it’s money you need I have plenty! Name your price! Please… I have a daughter who’s coming back from college today, I can’t bare to see her harmed!”

Ah a desperate customer, the very best. They were the easiest to deal with, and the easiest to manipulate and use. If she had come just a few hundred years back her soul would have been all but mine, but money would suffice for now.

“I see, well the price will be steep for this kind of work…” I said thoughtfully, “Let me consult my colleagues first.”

“Please, take your time!”

I told Steven and Becca to step outside for a while, and when we were well outside earshot of the trembling Elizabeth I told them about what I planned to do. Steven, who has already worked with me in the past, knew the drill, but for Becca it was new. She was a little hesitant of the idea.

“Boss… are you sure about this?” Becca asked, still a little sceptical, “The place is seriously trouble, I wouldn’t want to fuck with whatever’s in there.”

“And here I thought you liked the dark and macabre.”

Steven chuckled a little from the embarrassed look Becca gave.

“I do!” she said, “But shit, boss, I’ve never felt that kind of… I don’t know, aura before. It‘s bad news.”

“Like I said, it’s all part of the plan.”

I lead the two back in the house, and told Elizabeth that I would agree to the job.

“It’s going to be $150 000,” I said, knowing full well that the price was absurd, “I would risk our lives for no less than that.”

Elizabeth didn’t even break a sweat, and immediately agreed. She even looked happy. Damn, maybe I could have asked for a higher price; who knows how rich these people were, and with the head of the family gone there was probably more money to be had in insurance! Elizabeth probably wipes her ass with chump change like that. Well, too late to ask for more.

I sighed at the lost opportunity and moved to the living room. I pulled out a little stick of chalk from my “exorcism” pouch, and I drew a big, intricate looking circle on the ground, adding a little bit of Latin words here and there, along with some arcane looking symbols and pictures. It looked pretty impressive to the uneducated, but in reality the circle was just a crude drawing. It’s only purpose was to impress, and from the faces of Elizabeth and Becca it served its purpose just fine.

Steven and Becca did what they were told and stood on opposite corners of the circle, with me standing in another to finish the little triangle formation on the edge of the it. I exhaled, chanted a few gibberish lines in an forgotten language - which roughly translates to “Pigs are delicious, and everyone should eat them. All hail the pig king!” - and infused a tiny bit of demonic power into the little chalk drawing. The circle lit up bright red, smoking around the corner - oh how I love to impress!

I cleared my throat, and using my deepest theatrical voice I shouted, “O ye spirit of the after world, hear my summons! I command thee to appear before me, in the name of Jesus Christ and all that is good. O wretched creature!”

On cue the swirling chaotic energies formed around the circle, condensing further and further until that old, spindly spectre appeared inside the circle. I infused the circle with a bit more power, making the outline burst into Hellfire, making it look like the spirit was trapped, or was creating the fire. I didn’t quite care which. And I have to hand it to Becca, she didn’t back off when the fire erupted, she looked more surprised and curious than fearful. I guess her interests in the supernatural outweighed her fear.

The spectre shrieked as if in pain, although I knew full well that it wasn’t. I saw that Steven and Becca had covered their ears, doing their best to stay upright, and Elizabeth has all but passed out.

“I command thee to leave this household! Be gone, vile spirit of the damned!”

The spectre faced me, opened its maw and shrieked again. I took that cue, tumbled over, and broke the little blood bag I had placed in my mouth before coming here. I gasped as if in pain, grasping my stomach and spat the fake blood out.

“I command thee,” I said, forcing myself to cough again, “leave this house at once! I command thee, in the name of our Lord, to release thy hold on this world and depart!”

The spectre shrieked again and looked like it was fighting my will. It thrashed around in the little circle, slashing at air, but eventually it slowly disappeared, and faded away into nothing. The spectre must have been an actor when it was alive, because that performance deserved an Oscar.

I got up from my spot, spitting more of the fake blood out, and made to look very wounded when I faced Elizabeth. She looked really concerned with my condition, and said that she would add an extra 50 thousand for my troubles and to cover any medical fees that I may need. She thanked me, and after Steven told her the billing address she showed me out the door.

Once I was sure that I far enough away to not be overlooked, I regained my normal composure.

“Well,” I said cheerfully, “that was the easiest two hundred thousand that I’ve ever made!”

“I must applaud you for your brilliant performance back there, sir.” said Steven.

“Hell yeah, boss! Not sure how you got that smoke and fire thing, but it was awesome!” Becca added, giving me a friendly punch on the shoulder, “But I wouldn’t say that it was that easy. I mean, fake blood aside, you were dealing with a fucking poltergeist! I didn‘t know you were some kind of demon kicking pro!”

“Well,” I replied, “I wouldn’t say…”

I saw something that chilled me to the bone. It was a blonde woman, looked to be around in her early 20’s, but it wasn’t her that scared me. It was what was following her, and it noticed me as well.

“Wouldn’t say what, boss?” Becca said, puzzled.

“Oh shit…” I said in panic, “Run!”

“What? Why? Is the ghost thing still here?”

I didn’t respond, but only dragged her to the car. As soon as Steven and Becca where in I floored the thing, and drove like a madman out of there. In the rear view mirror I saw that the girl’s follower was still staring at me, all the way until I was completely out of its sight.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!