Chen Feiyan VI

the Monastery, Heguri Empire

the Light

Chen Feiyan swept the courtyard. Her broom scraped against the stone. Wind blew past her high up on the mountain as she worked. Workers talked as they walked across the yard. Fei swept away red, orange, and brown maple leaves, only for more to fall by the time she reached the other side. She was out of the kitchens and assigned to cleaning.

I didn’t think anything could be more tedious than washing rice. I never even learned how to steam it. How many more times will I have to go through these rotations?

The prospect of years of rotations made Fei angry. What made it worse was that sweeping the courtyard made her think of Badger. It was what Badger was doing when they met, and it was her favorite busy work at the monastery.

“It lets you collect your thoughts, step back for a moment. Embrace it, little Moth.”

Forget about it. Just focus on what’s important, like Mushroom told you.

Fei realized she let her confused feelings about Badger get the best of her. She had not apologized for lashing out at her that night in Badger’s quarters and was not planning on it anytime soon. For her part, Badger did what Fei asked for: she was treating Fei like any other. Badger went about her busy schedule. She continued to train Fei at night as if nothing happened. But the warmth had gone. She seldom laughed or smiled around Fei, and the warm embraces and shoulder rubs were gone. Badger stopped eating with Fei, leaving her to sit alone as Mushroom sat in the far corner with the other priests.

While Fei found herself increasingly lonely, keeping distance between the two of them was helpful in its way. It let her focus on what was important. Chen Feiyan was going to steal the light from the tower. She was going to read the first tablet.

As Fei and Badger drifted apart like maple leaves in the wind, Mushroom and Fei intertwined like the branches on the twisted pines. Fei was a fast learner of the arts. Mushroom was still far ahead of her and knew how to emit light and glide through the air, but Fei was becoming a competent sparring partner for her. Their sparring sessions were growing fiercer. Sometimes they stayed behind to fight long into the night even when Badger released them. As the sparring sessions intensified, Fei slept less; it piled up. On rare days when she had her morning to herself, she slept deep into the morning and woke up in a foggy haze.

Sleep is something I don’t need. Just keep going.

Fei could attack, counter, and defend herself. If Mushroom wanted to use her more complicated attacks or the gliding technique, Fei could do nothing. We lay on her back and laugh after inevitably being tossed onto the hard stone. Mushroom seemed to have to get it out of her system once a night, and Fei didn’t mind.

It will only make you stronger.

Not only were their sparring sessions intensifying, but they were spending more time together outside of sparring. As the autumn weather grew colder on the mountain, they spent in the hot spring baths at night after sparring. The more time they spent together in the baths, the more Fei learned about Mushroom’s past and why she was who she was.

For her part, Fei was opening up about herself. Part of her wished she was telling her story to Badger, not Mushroom, but she was happy to talk about it nonetheless. She realized she had never spoken about her story to anyone. Fei told Mushroom about Loghua, her family, the day they took her, and her time at Guo Xue’s estate. The more she spoke about the people from her past life, the more she processed them. Suddenly, head servant Liu wasn’t pathetic; he was a survivor. Duan He wasn’t foolish; she was young and naive. Zhong Bai wasn’t cynical; she was sad and lonely. Fei even began to wonder about the hawk, Tao Fu.

And yet Fei did not forget the task at hand. Anytime she drifted into comfort, she refocused herself. Over and over, Fei asked Mushroom to tell her how to read the tablets. And over and over, Mushroom withheld.

Mushroom talked as Fei swept away leaves of different colors, “Do you want them to send me away? Spider is unforgiving. She doesn’t exactly like me, to begin with.”

“I won’t get caught.”

Mushroom laughed, “Your vision is blind. You can only see what’s in front of you.”

“I won’t get caught. That’s how I made it here. I escaped that life and made it here, didn’t I?”

Mushroom nodded, “I suppose you did. You are brave, little Moth. And sneaky like a fox. You’ve earned that much.”

“Tell me how to read it.”

“I’ll think about it,” Mushroom said as Fei’s broom scraped across the yard.

“Really?”

“Really.”

Fei paused for a moment. She wanted to hug Mushroom but quickly went back to her work.

Instead, she whispered, “Thank you.”

Mushroom teased, “Should I tell Badger you’re stealing into the tower for the light?”

Instinctively Fei swung at her with the end of her broom. Mushroom was barely quick enough to parry it away.

“Watch it!”

Fei covered her mouth with her hand, “Sorry!”

“You’re crazy,” Mushroom laughed, “I’ll speak with you later. I have to meet with Spider. Maybe she’ll be mean rude to push me over the ledge. Maybe it’ll be your lucky day, little Moth.”

“I hope it is.”

It was only three nights later that Mushroom finally broke. During the training session, Fei sensed her frustration. Mushroom was quiet. She was not her confident self. Mushroom’s answers to Badger were curt. At the end of the session, Mushroom approached Fei.

“Are you taking a bath tonight?”

“Thinking about it, it is cold. But I could use a good night’s sleep.”

“It is cold, isn’t it. I think I’ll take one. You should join me if you have time.”

Fei nodded.

“Ok.”

Thousands of leaves covered the courtyard as she walked from her quarters to the bathhouse, her work from earlier undone. The night was cold, and a wet mist enveloped the mountain swallowing the monastery. Winds whistled in the night, and wooden doors creaked. If there were others out in the courtyard, Fei would not know. Workers were tucked away into their quarters, and it smelled of smoke from wood-burning fires. Fei made out the watchfires lit on the ramparts too but could not make out the priests’ figures prowling them. Somewhere they walked, she knew, looking for red eyes in the dark.

Nonetheless, Fei made her way through the dark and the mist to the bathhouse on the far side. She knew the walk by now. She imagined she could do it with her eyes closed. As Fei reached the bathhouse, the thick pine door emerged from the mist. It was closed, keeping the heat and the steam inside. Slowly she opened the door and slipped through the divide.

Immediately the heat and smell from the hot spring water enveloped her. Outside, the mist was wispy, cold, and wet, but in the bathhouse, the steam was thick and hot. Fei’s lungs filled with hot steam, and it took her a moment to breathe. The wind’s constant refrain disappeared as the door closed behind her. She looked around. The bathhouse was empty, from what she could tell.

“Moth?” she heard Mushroom call from the far corner of the room.

Usual spot.

“I’m here,” Fei called back quietly.

Fei tiptoed to the corner, barely leaving a sound. She found Mushroom in her usual bath. Fei undressed and stepped into her bath. She felt the familiar sting of the hot water hit her all at once. Fei slid down and dunked her head under the water. She stayed under for a moment before surfacing. Under the water, muffled silence enveloped her. When Fei emerged, she took a deep breath in. The air in the room was thick and hot. They sat in silence for a while; Fei waited for Mushroom to start.

She must be nervous. Let her make the first move,

“Do you still want to read that tablet?”

Fei nodded.

Let her do the talking, don’t slow her down.

Mushroom reached out of the tub and pulled a small object out of her pile of clothes. She tucked whatever it was into a small torn piece of cloth. Slowly she removed it from the fabric.

“Catch,” Mushroom tossed the object over to Fei.

She caught it. The object was hard, gnarled, and somehow very cold. It was the size and shape of a sweet potato. It smelled like earth.

“Do you know what that is?”

Fei shook her head no.

“It’s a root.”

“The pines?”

Mushroom shook her head, “The maples. They planted them here long, long ago.”

“The priests?”

“Yes.”

Fei turned the root over in her hand and looked at it. She waited for Mushroom to continue.

“You grind it into a fine powder. Or you peel off pieces and dry them out in the sun. Scrape the tough outer layer off with a knife. Then you can use a mortar in the kitchens. It takes some time; you can feel how dense the root is.”

Fei nodded.

“When it’s in powdered form, it dissolves into boiling water. You can also use dried pieces with one of the wooden pipes, but we keep them locked in the tower. Water will be fine. You don’t need much, about the size of one of the dark berries that grow here on the mountainside. Even a small pinch changes what you see.”

“Change what you see?”

“You see things. Things that aren’t there.”

Fei thought for a moment, “Are you sure?”

“About what?”

“The things. Maybe they’re there all the time. Maybe we just can’t see them.”

Mushroom grinned, “Trust me, little Moth, you’ll understand when you experience it.”

“So if I drink the root?”

“Make the cup and drink it, then go to the tower. Move quickly. It begins to work within ten minutes.”

“And I’ll understand the tablet?”

“If you’re lucky.”

“Lucky?”

“It doesn’t always work.”

“Why not?”

Fei was annoyed. If she was going to risk this, it was going to have to work.

“I don’t know; we don’t know. You always feel something, but it varies.”

Fei exhaled and sat back in the bath, “And if it works, if I can read it, then what?”

“Risk the walk back to your quarters, or stay there until the root passes. Hope no one comes down.”

“How long?”

“Five hours, maybe six… seven. If you’re lucky, you can leave before the rooster sounds.”

“Seven?”

“The more powder you brew into the boiling water, the higher the chance you have to read the tablet, but also, it increases your chances of losing control. It’s powerful. Just a small berry worth in your palm. Before you drink it, think about what you want. Ask the root to read the tablet in your mind. They say it helps to ask for what you want. I’m not convinced, but why not. It can’t hurt.”

Fei shook her head, “This doesn’t make sense. A root can make you imagine things?”

“It does, yes.”

“It’s hard to believe.”

“Like believing in demons with red eyes that walk in the dark?”

Fei sat silently. There was much her upbringing in Loghua, and her life at the estate did not teach her, he had to admit.

“Whatever you do, little Moth, don’t use the light until we meet again. If you use it too much, too early, you could pass out, or worse. It takes time to build up the stamina for it, like fighting or running. Let me show you how. When we’re alone.”

Fei nodded.

I’ll try it out quickly, just to make sure it worked.

The next morning Fei was back in the courtyard. Methodically she swept away the maple leaves again. Her broom scraped over stone, over and over. As she swept, she looked at the Maples as they rustled in the wind.

How old are you?

Fei remembered how large they looked that first morning at the monastery. She was used to them now. They still looked close to thirty meters tall, but she was used to them. She wondered how far beneath the earth one needed to dig to find a bulb on the root like the one Mushroom gave her last night. She wondered how hard it was to carve off a piece and how long it would take her to grind down some of the root later that night. Fei continued to sweep. She swept until lunch without stopping. It was the cleanest the courtyard had ever been on her watch.

As Fei backed up the broom and headed into lunch, Badger strolled by. Fei watched her shoulders. Her broad frame moved gracefully, and her wools flapped in the wind. They said nothing to each other.

I have more important things to worry about anyway.

Fei paused and watched her walk away. She did not turn around.

Better a life stealing secrets than a life sweeping leaves.

The rest of the day was routine. Lunch was rice, broth, and cooked pumpkin with some fruits and nuts. The broth was watery and bland, but the pumpkin was sweet. Fei had two cups of hot tea and sat alone. She thought back on her time in the kitchens. In her head, Fei envisioned herself at the cutting station, peeling off the rough exterior of the root and grinding it in the mortar. She knew which kettle she would use. She knew where she could find a cup.

After midnight it will be safe. The last worker will be out two hours before then. Beetle will be long gone by then. None of the workers will know what the root is, anyways. Only the priests. It will be fine.

She spent her afternoon cleaning the bathhouse. They stopped the running hot spring water and opened up the large door and boarded windows. All the hot steam billowed outside into the courtyard, and Fei and the other cleaners scrubbed the baths and floors. Her knees and wrists ached by sunset, but it did not bother her. She wondered what the sunset looked like on that clear night. She wondered how the stars would look in the fields of Loghua.

Sparring went by without event. Mushroom gave Fei a knowing look at the end of their sessions. Fei did not bathe afterward. Instead, she went straight to her quarters to plan her night. She already knew what she was going to do. She never got caught on her outings in Loghua or at the estate, and she didn’t plan on being seen tonight. She had done this hundreds of times before, whether it was stealing out into the night with Meifang as a child or into the library at Guo Xue’s estate. It would be simple.

“Even a small pinch changes what you see… You see things that aren’t there.”

The root would be the one variable she could not control, she realized. She would take specifically what Mushroom told her to take. A berries worth in the palm of her hand, no more. If it did not work this time, she could try the following night. If it did not work the next night, she could try again after that. It wouldn’t take too many tries. It couldn’t.

By midnight the wet mist enveloped the monastery yet again. Wind whistled down from the steep mountain. The courtyard smelled of smoke from wood-burning fires. Fei put on the short jacket over the wrap wool top. She wondered how the small jacket would keep her warm once the snows of winter hit. Fei remembered Hare warning her about the hard winters on the mountain. Frog was less concerned. But then again, Frog rarely seemed to worry about much. For a moment, her old companions brought a smile to Fei’s face. But it was fleeting. Fei closed the door to her quarters behind her and walked into the cold mist.

Again, Fei could only see the lights on the ramparts. She knew there would be priests, too, but if she could not see them, they could not see her. Fei crouched low to the ground as she walked and kept to the middle of the courtyard. The closer she kept to the ramparts, the more visible she would be. In the middle of the courtyard, the mist concealed her movements. She slipped past everyone, unseen in the night.

The kitchens were empty, as expected. Everything was according to plan. Fei unwrapped the root from the small cloth that concealed it. She took one of the six-inch knives and sharpened it. Her brothers taught her how to sharpen hunting knives even as a child. They even taught Fei and Meifang to throw them. Fei smiled, recalling how many hours the young Mei spent throwing knives against a wood block behind their home. She had always enjoyed repetitive tasks.

The knife was solid and sturdy, enough to peel the thick gnarled exterior off the root. Slowly and carefully, Fei went about the work. Underneath the surface layer a smooth golden-brown wood-like material. The root was cold to the touch.

Is that the weather? Or does this root run cold?

When Fei peeled the entire root, she carved off a small portion.

Not more than a berry in your palm.

The mortars were where she knew they would be from her time in the kitchens, and the small piece of root was easier to grind than she anticipated. It took maybe ten minutes before it was a fine powder. The stone pestle scraped against the mortar as the root began to break down. She ground it until she imagined it could not become any finer. In the meantime, she had started a small fire in one of the furnaces and was running the kettle. By the time the root was in powdered form, the water was boiling.

You can do this.

Fei poured the powdered root into a teacup. Carefully she poured the hot water over it and stirred the drink with a wooden chopstick. The root powder quickly dissolved into the hot water, releasing tiny gaseous bubbles and giving off a faint hiss. The smell was pungent, like wet earth. Fei cleaned everything she used, making as little noise as possible. She wanted to be ready to go straight to the tower after drinking the root.

You have ten minutes. Ten minutes to get down the stairwell. Plenty of time.

Fei took the hot cup in her hands. Before taking a drink, she thought back on what Mushroom told her.

Tell it what you want.

In her mind, Badger’s face appeared as if watching her. Even then, she missed her. Fei wanted her back.

Not now.

She thought about the tablet. Fei imagined the characters rearranging themselves into the Daming tongue so she could read them.

I want to read the tablet. I want to emit light.

Fei took a sip. The taste was earthy and bitter. She waited for a moment but didn’t feel anything. It was still hot but not boiling. Slowly she drank the rest of the cup in one long sip. The aftertaste was much stronger this time. Her body shivered. She wanted to vomit, but she held it in. It was sour, bitter, and tasted how thick mud smelled. Fei coughed and steadied herself on the countertop.

Still nothing. Ten minutes. Go.

Fei washed the cup, set it aside, and hurried out of the empty kitchens. She made her way through the empty eating hall, her footsteps echoing against the walls and out into the courtyard. She moved quickly now. The mist engulfed the entire monastery in darkness. There was still no one outside from what Fei could tell. Calmly, she made her way to the tower built into the side of the mountain. Small oil lamps lit the entrance to the tower. As she entered, she felt the temperature drop again.

It was less pronounced now that the weather had turned, but she could still feel the temperature dip. Fei stood in the hallway for a moment, ready to bolt. She felt like a deer, grazing in the fields but still on alert and prepared to run. Fei listened. There was no movement in the tower from what she could hear. No sounds. No shadows disturbed the light at the end of the hall.

Still nothing. You have five minutes left. Go.

Quickly she moved down the hallway, tiptoeing and barely making a sound. At the end of the hallway, she paused. It opened up into the room with the high ceiling. In the middle was the staircase down into the depths of the mountain. She looked around. The entrance to Spiders’ quarters was closed off. There was no one on the levels above.

Go.

Fei slipped down the staircase unnoticed. The stone steps were cold. For almost a full minute, she quietly moved down the stairs. Her arts training helped her move even smoother. She felt like a fox, or a ghost. Fei was quiet and weightless and could have been a moth in the wind. The lights suspended in the air did not surprise her this time. They slowly swayed back and forth, lighting the way down. Finally, Fei reached the room. It was empty and just like it was in her memory. The column sat in the center. On the column sat the tablet. On the far side, the stairs continued. Quickly Fei moved to the tablet and ran her fingers over the foreign characters.

Who wrote you? What are you?

Fei stood for what felt like a long while, staring at the tablet. She read the characters over and over again, with no understanding. Suddenly Fei felt something move in the periphery of her vision. She jumped to the side and looked towards the movement. But there was nothing. The movement continued in her peripheral vision, now on both sides. The walls were beginning to move as if alive. The stone was spiraling in on itself.

It’s working.

The more she stared at the spiraling shapes on the stone wall, the more the walls began to change color. Bright colors emerged from the grey stone. Fei held up her arm in front of her. Her arm felt like it was weaving into the room around her. In moments, characters like those found on the tablet emerged from the wall and disappeared just as quickly.

This is all real. It’s all here, just outside our reach.

Fei saw movement out of her left periphery again. This time something significant moved along the spiraled colored walls. She looked, and a large hand was unfolding in front of her on the wall. When it was outstretched completely, a fox jumped from the hand. The fox looked at her. Its body was covered with spiral patterns and moved with the wall. Four eyes emerged where there had only been two, then six, then eight. It stared at her, and she felt it. They were connected, as she was woven into the stone room, the maple trees growing far above her on the surface, and the mountains themselves. The fox sprang forward across the wall and morphed into a dragon. It flew around the room, emerging from the walls and landing on the tablet. It still had the eight eyes of the fox.

The tablet!

Fei had been so mesmerized by the scene unfolding around her that she forgot about the tablet itself. The dragon called her. She felt it reminding her of her intention.

I want to read the tablet.

Fei took a step back and placed both hands on the stone column. The dragon flew back into the wall, and the hand on the wall emerged again to collect it. She looked at the characters. They looked the same, but she was connected to them now. She could not understand them, but she felt the power of the root flowing from the tablet to herself. More characters like those on the tablets emerged and disappeared all around her. Fei reached and put her hand on the tablet. A burst of energy flooded her body. She was warm and tingly. It felt like hot spring baths. The characters brightened even more and flickered in different colors. She could feel them.

I can emit light.

Fei reached out her hand in front of her. It was still part of the fabric of the room. She opened her hand like the hand on the wall. A small ball of light sat in her palm, no bigger than a berry.

No bigger than a berry.

Fei waved her hand in front of her body, and a trail of light followed it. The walls continued to spiral and move, and the light streaked across the scene. Characters appeared and disappeared.

I can emit light. I can emit the light!

Fei stopped and held out her hand again. She opened her palm.

Larger this time.

The light grew on her command. It was now the size of a small orange, then a mango, then a durian. It kept growing. Her stomach began to feel ill. Fei shaped it in front of her into an oblong disc. She threw it around the room, and it returned on command. The walls were spiraling more, even faster. She grew dizzy.

Turn out the light, turn it off.

And yet, she continued looking at it. She couldn’t bring herself to turn it off. She molded it into a fox and told it to dance around the room. From a fox, it became a dragon. Fei asked the light to land on her shoulder. It listened and curled around her neck, warming her body. The warmth enveloped her like a hot spring bath once again. And yet, she felt even dizzier now. Fei fell to the ground. She braced her fall with her right forearm. The floor felt hard and cold even while spiraling in frenzied color. She rolled over, exhausted. Fei looked at the ceiling. She closed her eyes. The spirals did not stop, and characters continued to appear and disappear even with her eyes shut.

Her mind wandered. She was back in the fields of Loghua with little Mei. They watched the stars together. This time the stars moved. They took the form of the shapes they saw in the stars: the fox, the owl, the crane, the sea monster, the dragon. Brilliant colors lit Loghua, and evermore the spirals moved throughout the space.

I’ll give you a star Meifang. I promise.

Suddenly she was out of Loghua and in a different field. It was still Daming countryside and still lit with color and moved like the walls. Here she saw Guo Xue and Badger. And yet, they were different. They were young. They were children. She saw Guo Xue, a haughty young boy. She could see into him. He was arrogant even then, given anything he ever wanted. So young yet so proud. And then she saw his lust as an older man. Not just for Fei but Duan He, Zhong Bai, and others. It was dark. He was ashamed and turned it to anger and spite. She saw the walls he built around himself, taller and thicker than the monastery walls.

She saw a young Badger standing next to Guo Xue. She was frightened, frightened of herself. Badger was ashamed of herself, a scared girl with no one taking care of her. She was running away from something even as a child, but Fei could not tell what it was. She looked further into Badger’s future now. Fei saw Badger’s feelings for her. It was not lust like Guo Xue’s lust. It was warm, all-enveloping. Badger’s mind was full of her. She cared for her as a guardian but also as a partner. Fei felt her love and her pain, the pain Fei was causing by closing her off.

I’m sorry, Badger. I’m so sorry.

Now she was back in the tower. She was in the stone room. It felt like Badger was there now, too. Fei was still flat on the ground, yet she could see the Badger’s face lit with color moving with the spirals in the ceiling above. She had the same eight eyes as the dragon and the fox. Fei felt Badger’s warmth again.

“I’m sorry, Badger,” she whispered aloud.

Fei held out her palm in front of her vision one more time. She wanted to see the light again. She was exhausted. Her stomach lurched, and she wanted to vomit. Fei opened her hand, and a small light hung in the air before her again. She let go.

Fei awoke on a sturdy straw mattress. Her head ached, and she was exhausted. All the colors and spirals were gone. She was back in the real world, mute and grey. She was an individual again, no longer part of the fabric. She looked around the room. It was dark but looked like monastery quarters. It was someone’s room but not her own. She was delirious.

Fei’s stomach flinched. She needed to vomit. There was nothing in the room and nowhere to go. Fei fell to the floor and vomited across the hard stone. She coughed and wiped the spit from her chin. Just as she did, she vomited again.

How did I get here?

She wiped her hands and mouth on her wool shirt and crawled back into the straw bed, and fell asleep. Her body ached, and she sweat through her wools even in the cold.

The sun was up by the time Fei woke again. This time she knew she was not alone. Fei looked over her shoulder, and Badger was there sitting beside her. She felt Badger’s large warm hand stroking her hair. Fei still felt sick to her stomach, but there was no urge to vomit. She could taste the stench from her breath, and her wrap top was soaked in sweat and stained from the vomit. Her headache was sharp and painful, and the sunlight did not help.

“Sleep, little Moth,” Badger said, stroking her hair, “You need sleep.”

Fei felt the back of her firm hand brush against her cheek. Instinctively she grabbed at it and pulled it close.

“I’m sorry.”

“I know, little Moth,” Badger responded calmly.

“You’re going to be mad at what I did.”

“Don’t worry about that now; get your rest.”

“But the cleaning. I’m supposed to clean the yard.”

“I’ve taken care of it; everyone thinks you’ve just had a bit of a bad reaction to the kitchen’s food. Beetle is upset as she thinks it was her fault, but otherwise, there’s nothing to be done.”

“I’m sorry I said those things to you.”

“Just sleep.”

Fei pulled her hand closer now and moved aside in the bed to make room for Badger. She patted the open space on the hard straw mattress. Slowly Badger walked and locked the door to her quarters. She returned to the bed and lay down next to Fei. Fei rolled over onto the Badger’s chest and fell asleep once more.