《I have a Cat Problem (RWBY Comedy)》Get out of my flat!
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Chapter 1: Get out of my flat!
My life was a simple one. One where things were dictated by common logic, a sense of peacefulness and… order.
That was before the strangest anomaly decided to come and storm everything with its mere presence. Such an oddity… that even now I couldn’t help but snort at the unpredictability of fate itself.
Vale wasn’t close to the Kingdom of Atlas in terms of technological benefits, but it still offered the chance of having the most satisfying experience of life. The kind of life that only those who faced the hardships of the Civilian life in a world that favored huntsmen before anyone else.
It wasn’t much of an issue considering that Hunters weren’t there to just strut around and get easy benefits. They were the protectors of today and tomorrow, the heroes of our time… and beyond.
I never had any issues with the neighbors. I actually enjoyed the little interactions I had with the elder couple that lived by the flat across mine. A little less about the numerous but still young family occupying the apartment in the front and providing with no little noise-related issues.
The little kids, especially the toddlers, tended to turn in minor annoyance past dinnertime.
Still, despite this negligible problem, I was glad about the home I got out from working hard and determinedly.
My job was one of the few ones that just offered a graceful balance of safety and income. The small establishment that was ‘alive’ by early morning had been searching some waitress back when I moved here in Vale. I remember getting hired mostly thanks to the references provided by my former teachers.
Years spent at school to try and get hold of the basics of what a normal life away from the dangerous workplace that were the Academies resulted in an impressive paper detailing my capacities as a waiter, chef, shop-keeper, and much more. I was an all-around worker. One that many would’ve paid gold to have around… but I just settled for this very activity.
The pay was decent, if not quite generous for the limited labor behind the daily tasks. Plus it went to modestly cover for the various expenditures of my peaceful life, rent included.
My flat was fairly spacious, but I knew that it was mostly because this was the kind of building that had been built with the purpose of housing large families families rather than single occupants like me. And this opportunity gave me the chance to have enough space to enjoy having my good hobbies there too.
My little garden was filled with various pots. A small line of proper wet dirt was used to keep the flowers and plants that I was trying to grow there there. Some were from my collection that I taken from my home in Mistral, while others had been planted a little after I had the rest of my equipment set for a small, but efficient farming operation.
With the dutiful caring and proper ministrations applied to the plants, I was guaranteed a slow but steady production of delicious fruits that I could either eat or offer around to anyone that wanted. In the end, this hobby also worked to reduce some of the expenses related to fruits that would come from trips at the local stores. It wasn’t much, but it was honest work.
I was glad of what I had achieved in so little time spent away from my family’s home. I was happy of the seemingly lonely but satisfying life that I got now. No longer was I going to be dreading to be attacked by any bandits or thugs that were known to live on the territories near the old manor.
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I wasn’t poor, but neither I was rich enough to avoid dealing with the violence from the criminal issue troubling Mistral. Mom and Dad had long decided to settle by the capital once we were out of the old house. Their new place had plenty of security that was provided by the quite-flamboyant council ruling over the country.
I wasn’t savvy about politics, but I could recognize full-fledged idiocy when I saw it. Especially when in one instance a good majority of the year’s budget was burned in artistic renovations of some cathedrals rather than improve the already lacking military budget for the Militia Departments.
This is why, compared to Mistral, living here in Vale had left me at ease over the simplicity of things and the general lack of murderous gangs. The loneliness that comes with that lifestyle could easily be considered a terrible thing to praise, yet there was a proper reason why I didn’t care much about it.
I hated being in large crowds.
Mistral’s Transportation Network was (and possibly still is even now) the most obsolete in Remnant. Vacuo didn’t count since there wasn’t a genuine regulated system, nor a railway to begin with, that helped around the desert-based Kingdom.
With just a handful of rail-networks and with slow and small trains, people were hardly pleased with the means to reach their destinations. Large crowds were forced to get squeezed together and… some were certainly prone to sweat a lot either for agoraphobia or for something a little less complex, like obesity.
The Regency Council of the Kingdom of Mistral, despite having shown impressive liberal ideas in the last few years considering their easing over some rules, was still formed by a group of nobles that would eventually leave their seats as inheritance to their own children. Essential reforms were nowadays ditched for the sake of reviving old arts… or expensive tournaments.
I could still remember watching my first and, hopefully, last competition.
I was partially irritated by how dull some fighters had looked to be. After years spent training with dad… that just didn’t sit well for me. Too easy, too flashy. It was all a farce… except for the final match. It couldn’t exactly be considered a fair one.
The ‘popular choice’ was a flashy joke with hardly some serious experience in his bones. It would be a lie to say that I hadn’t cheered for his opponent, at the time unknown Pyrrha Nikos, in putting an end to that nonsense.
The serious-paced speed and the timed reactions were just on point, delivering a ‘brilliant’ victory for the young redhead.
But while the fight had easily won me over the fact that the girl was meant to go far, I didn’t bother watching any of the following seasons from that one onward.
After what had happened there and… after hearing brief details about the girl easily getting a second victory out of the next tournament, I felt my interest over that kind of stuff dwindle away for more ‘honest’ stuff.
Invincible Girl? She was mediocre, something my father had been keen to drill when he took me to see her fight for the first time. Very nervous, her footing missing essential steps and her last victory wasn’t even that sensational to the old man.
A retired Huntsman that had seen far too much in his past job to be impressed by a young girl being able to get some ‘important’ win because of the circumstances rather with her ‘invincibility’.
Dad wasn’t certainly a pushover, never lost his touch since he retired as proved when he went to teach temporarily at Haven Academy. Several students were forced to work even harder than previously to just pass his class, some giving up mid-way because of the peer pressure the veteran was keen to display when bored or annoyed.
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Both my parents had been supportive of my decision to move out, saddened by the fact I was a Kingdom away from them, but glad that I had settled well in the better-defended nation.
But I think I’m digressing a little too much. Let me explain why… I lost my balance and found myself dealing with the greatest issue I had to ever face in my entire life. With a pleasant surprise by the very end of it all.
It all started when I finished my shift at the bar, just an hour or two after lunch. I had managed to eat something during my break and thus I didn’t feel the need to wander around before going back home. I was tired, and I didn’t have a reason to stay away from a few hours of rest.
Work was simple, but also tiring because of how long the shifts tended to be, especially when those ended up taking longer turns than usual when certain seasons were turning in, like the Vytal Festival. I wasn’t by any mean unnerved by this as the extra hours were paid extra, thus giving me the proper incentive to give my best with my assignments.
There were still some men and women walking around the streets, and the sun was still high in the sky. The blue was starting to give away to a lighter-orange, it was getting late. Vendors had their shops still open and continuing to help the various clients browsing their products. The peacefulness of these scenes were more than enough to bring me a sense of easiness that Mistral would have never been able to give to me.
I bit down a yawn, my lips twitching to suppress the tiny noise. I was feeling quite tired from the draining day at the job I had just concluded.
Starting fairly early in the morning, I was expected to wake at some unholy hour… thus I had to go to sleep even earlier than I used to back when I frequented college.
Was I annoyed by this? Just a little bit. I wasn’t a morning person, but I knew that it wasn’t a labor without rewards as the pay was worth it.
My walk back to the flat was uneventful and lacking any major crowds obstructing the strees. Even the hallway leading to the front door was deserted much to my immense relief.
I was ready to go for a brief nap of an hour (or who knows, maybe two) before focusing on tending the small garden I had set up in there.
Being that it was still before afternoon, I had my own plans about it and I knew how I was going to spend the rest of the day. Or at least until it was dinnertime.
My tomato plants needed some nutrients to recover from some parasites that had almost killed it. The pesky bugs had managed to enter through a small opening by the nearby window, prompting me to invest in something to solve this very issue.
Humming quietly, the key to the entrance door slipped correctly inside the lock’s mechanism and then clicked a single time to dignify the opening of the final barrier between me and my house.
I blinked in minor surprise as I was greeted by some darkness. I eased as I remembered that I had forgotten to lift up the windows’ curtains earlier this morning.
I went ahead to slowly pace around the place, calmly pulling the fabrics aside and letting the light shine and making all corners and objects in my desolate living room clear and-
Just as I turned around to greet the sofa and the small couches by its side, my eyes found themselves fixing upon something- no, someone sleeping on that very sofa.
I was tense, unwilling to move and cause the figure in there to stir awake from their slumber. My eyes were wide open as I silently studied the display given, and I was able to discern quickly that… it was a young woman.
And someone I knew nothing about.
Quietly snoring with her head resting by one of the small pillows of the comfy furniture, I could see that the girl had quite the fair-skin. It was rather pale, and it presented itself as an interesting contrast to her long, dark hair. Her locks reached right down to where her lower back began.
She was wearing a white, sleeveless shirt and some same-colored shorts. Her legs were warmed by stockings that had a gradation of black to purple.
I noticed that an unfamiliar black vest, presumably hers, was currently folded on one of the couches, and there was a pair of black low-heeled boots that had been set right by the floor beneath the couch.
My attention moved back up to her face and… hair. A twitch above her fringe caught my attention and I locked my eyes onto the pair of relaxed cat ears perfectly visible from there. Twitching once in a while, the feline appendages offered some insight over her current state of self.
The half-attentive tension in those just made it clear that she was still sleeping, but that my previous actions might have stirred her a little bit from her rest.
It was a few moments later that I finally lessened the tension within my body as I knew that she was still unconscious.
My eyes were still wide open as my mind was failing to grasp how this Cat Faunus had managed to sneak inside my apartment when I had my windows and door closed…
And why did she invade my house?
A burglar? Quite a dumb one if she decided to take a nap on the sofa of the poor moron she was trying to steal from. Usually one would take the stuff and leave rather than just settle down by the couch.
A murderer? I couldn’t see any weapons and, just like the previous guess, it would’ve been a dumb murderer if she literally decided to sleep in her victim’s couch… before killing said victim.
Do I even know her? I was certain the girl wasn’t someone I had met before, nor I think I’ve ever seen her before today. A complete strange. And she was sleeping by my couch.
What the fuck!?
I slowly tip-toed my stunned self away from the living room, reaching for the kitchen where I knew I had left my house’s phone. A simple cordless device that was a decade or two old but still worked efficiently and well for my daily needs while I was at home.
My brain was riddled with prayers and hopes of managing to get a distress call out. Maybe even leave the girl slumbering until the authorities arrived here to deal with this, but I sure failed to realize that I was doing a terrible mistake by stepping so quietly by the floor.
A few days ago I had found a weakened spot between the hallways and the doorstep that led to the kitchen. The cause of the instability supposedly related a tiny infiltration of water that had lessened the cement around the section and made it easy to break if applied some pressure against it. Too much weight and the thing would just collapse under anyone’s feet.
I had already planned to call some professional to fix it as I really didn’t need to have any guests trip and die because of it. Aura or not, that wasn’t something I really wished to keep this issue around forever.
In that very moment where I needed the utmost silence from the world around me, and I had completely forgotten about that very problem, my right foot ended up pressing down right on the middle of the frail bit of floor.
The part gave away, the ground cracking and creating a small hole in which my foot ended up unwittingly pushed into. And I was stuck in there with a horrified look look plastered on my now pale face.
There was a noise at that development, and it was loud enough to make me pause and panic as I heard footsteps coming from the living room.
I stared down in shock and, biting down a not-so-kind word, I ditched my shoe to save my foot. I didn’t sneak anymore as I knew my trouble was now awake and in alert. Fear was a good motivation and I was soon bolting across the room and reach for the phone.
I grabbed it, my fingers frantically pressing the numbers that would compose the emergency phone number of the VPD and-
SHLINK!
My jaws dropped when a dark-gray blade proceeded to cut the receiver in half before I had the chance of bringing it close to my ear. I tumbled, a moderate kick pushing me away and causing me to fall on the floor with a pained look.
I snapped my eyes open at the woman, now wielding what looked to be a short sword and… a ribbon folded around its hilt?
“L-Look, I don’t wish to hurt you,” The Faunus said with a calm but nervous voice, her amber eyes locked onto my frame as I stilled at her words. “I just need a place where to sta-!!”
Before the girl could manage to finish whatever explanation she had planned to dispense about her current illegal stay at my flat, her eyes went wide in sudden shock as she found herself tripping… on the shoe I had abandoned mere moments ago.
It was an opportunity to reverse the hostage situation she had created as she started to slowly fall towards me. I pounced right as I saw her falling toward the floor, both of my hands swiftly going for her weapon and carefully slipping it off from her hold.
She was just too surprised by the fall to notice what I just did, trying to halt her fall only for me to roll away with her blade and… aiming it at her.
Intrigue but also annoyance were now displayed by her feline eyes, but I could care any less about her reaction as I quickly discovered that, much like the majority of the new generations of blades, this one was provided with a gun.
A… machine gun? I wasn’t savvy about it so I merely switched to it and prayed it wasn’t a single-shot handgun. Now that would be a sad development for me.
“I ask you to return to the living room and not move as I call-”
“You are not going to hurt me,” The dark-haired lady stated calmly. “Knowing about your lack of weapons in the house, I know that you are just lucky to know how to hold-”
Bang
She tensed quickly as the warning bullet slammed on the floor just a few centimeters away from her. Eyes now once more wide, the girl stared at my growing smirk.
“Dad was a Huntsman,” I explained curtly. “And he taught me a thing or two how those things work.” I shook her weapon to dignify my point and… she sighed.
Moments of quiet passed and I was tempted to go for another warning shot, but then the girl slowly stood up and started to walk back to the living room, hands up and visible for me as she went back to sit by the couch.
There was silence and, while I continued to hold the gun aimed at her with one of my hands, the other one slowly trailed back to my pants’ left pocket as I went to get my Scroll. T
he reason why I hadn’t used it to call the cops rather than mess up my attempt with the now-gone phone in the kitchen was actually a fairly embarrassing one.
During one of my duties as a waiter at the nearby bar, one of the patrons’ children had spilled their drink on my pants and… drenched the then recently-acquired device.
The last gift from mom so that I could have called her without having to resort to the CCTV’s system and make senseless walks around the large capital.
So while the small thing managed to send and receive calls, its receptors weren’t fully-operational and sometimes words ended up failing to register to the device. The issues created by this phenomenon led to no little problems with various contacts saved in there.
Mom was confused when I said some ‘foul words’ back to her, but she calmed a little bit when I explained that it was just an issue with the damaged phone.
I still tried, the number composed and… I waited patiently for someone to take up the call.
Just four seconds passed before someone actually picked up the distress call.
“VPD Emergency Line, how can we help you?”
“Y-Yes, I call from 745 Torrent Street, Flat 45, Floor 2.” I started quickly, a little stutter slipping through much to my chagrin. “There is a burglar that invaded my home. It’s a young woman, dark-hair, Faunus and-”
“Sir,” The woman on the other side scoffed in annoyance and I frowned. “I can assure you this is a serious Emergency line and I can’t keep up with this call.”
My frown deepened without hesitation at that sudden comeback.
“Say what?!”
“The Emergency Line is for special cases of distress and need,” The operator replied with a somewhat angry tone. “We can live without your depiction of the foreplay you have with your Faunus girlfriend, sir. Good day to you.”
The call ended and my jaw dropped at what I ended up hearing.
Some red was spreading on my cheeks and, from what I could see by the couch, the girl was blushing herself, sharing the same mortification I was enduring at that unexpected quip from the operator.
I blinked at the device and… the dark-haired lady spoke once more.
“I understand that I might have caused you incredible distress-”
“And damage.” I interjected flatly, her ears twitching still as she flinched.
“And damage,” She admitted to that higher fault. “But I can assure you that I didn’t mean to cause you any harm and-”
“You cut my phone and then pointed your blade at me,” I pointed out with a stern voice. “And I reckon you were possibly going to ‘cause me harm’ just to keep me quiet.”
My accusation was legitimized by the fact she had been advancing on me before tripping on the shoe.
The Faunus didn’t dare to contest that very point, preferring to silently look away and play the naive one. But seriously, I wasn’t in the mood for that.
“Look, how about you just get out of my house,” I pointed at the door behind me. “And you never return?”
There was more silence, this time her bright eyes were on me once again. Surprise and confusion at my sudden ‘defeat’, yet she didn’t budge from her seat.
“What?” Her voice trailed the very confusion I could see in her face.
I sighed, I really didn’t need this madness. As much as I wanted to haul her ass off to jail for that stunt she pulled on me, I really didn’t need this.
I was too tired to think straight as of now.
“Look, I know you aren’t here to steal from me and the cops aren’t going to help me with removing you from my home,” I said with a tired tone. I just wanted to nap, nothing more. “Just get out and we forget this even happened-”
“I-I can’t.” She interrupted unexpectedly, causing me to double-back at that.
“What? I’m giving you the chance to-”
“I really need a place where to spend some time away from… some people,” The Faunus admitted. “And I had planned to spend this time here so-”
“No,” I shot back with an angry tone. “Also, how the heck did you get inside my flat?!”
She flinched again and… her eyes briefly staring up at the ceiling and I followed her stare right onto the newly-created hole in there.
I breathed calmly, but I could feel anger rising from my chest. “You destroyed the ceiling-”
“There was a small opening and… I just increased it?” Her attempt to lessen the fact she had damaged my roof was enough to cause a scowl to appear on my lips.
“Get out of my house-”
“Look, I know that-”
“Out!”
“There is no need to-”
“I will yell as much as I want!” I rebuked furiously. “Get the fuck out of my home!” I screamed back at her.
There was silence from the brunette, amber eyes once wide were now narrowed at me in silent anger.
“It’s because I’m a Faunus,” She started with a soft tone, making my own fury simmer down just a little to let my surprise known to her. “It’s that, isn’t it?”
The Cat-girl had to literally go there.
I was a middle-class Mistralian-born young man that studied with, befriended and proudly had some relationships with some Faunus back home. And to hear this incredibly slanderous lie was enough to make my blood boil to the maximum.
“How dare you!” I shrieked back, the girl flinching at the sudden outburst while also looking fairly surprised by it. “Out, now!”
This time I aimed the gun with more decision and she tensed.
While I was sure that she had Aura, a bullet was still a painful thing to be hit with. Thus, silently and defeatedly, the girl stood up from the sofa, slowly walked from the furniture and towards me.
She wanted her weapon back, but like hell I would have given it back before I had her out of the apartment. I turned around, ready to lead her out of the flat when I felt the blade yanked away from my hold as the girl quickly jumped through the hole in the ceiling and… left.
I stood just a handful of moments to stare at the roof, expecting her to resurface just to mock me or something like that but…
Nothing. She was gone.
...Hallelujah!
I sighed in relief, my mind slowly drifting away from that surreal encounter as I started to write down in my mental ‘to-do’ list that I had to call some carpenter to fix the damage on the roof and… get someone to fix the phone by the kitchen.
I yawned, but I didn’t want to nap. Not yet at least.
After what just transpired, I didn’t feel safe enough to close my eyes just a moment before having that hole fixed.
I decided to message someone nearby that I knew was a professional in fixing roofs and… he ended up applying something that looked like a large tape, but it was meant to be a preventive measure.
The job itself would take a full afternoon and the man was busy for the day, giving me some availability by tomorrow.
I gladly accepted the offer and felt a little safer with the fact I had that ‘tiny cover-up’ to deter anyone trying to pull the same stunt as the Cat Faunus.
I didn’t need to deal with crazy hobos because of that bizarre encounter, and I really didn’t want to make a redo of what happened with my disrupted call at the cops.
Yawning again, I had just enough time to fix myself a quick bath, make a delicious dinner and then I was off for some dreamless sleep.
The day had been indeed the weirdest I had ever since I had arrived in Vale, and part of me labeled it as just a unique deviation from normality.
It wouldn’t change anything from now on and I had nothing to truly worry about, I thought soundly as I fell asleep with my head snuggling on my pillow.
Yet that little hope I had until the next morning was dashed when, after waking up from that good sleep and walking in the living room, I found the same Cat Faunus sleeping on the very sofa I saw her occupying the day before.
Without hesitation and with much of my renewed energy, I let out two words that would end up becoming a constant in the relationship I had with the girl, the one I would learn much later was Blake Belladonna.
"GET OUT!”
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Infinite Thera
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