EPISODE XI: SEATS TAKEN

I don’t know what I expected from someone named Dolphina, but it definitely wasn’t something as on the nose—sorry, bottlenose—for that name than what I saw when I walked through the metal gate and out into the high-walled field of the range.

I craned my head as I looked at the creature, standing out in front of all my fellow accused. She was an honest to god clucking dolphin, or at least half of her was. I was staring at the top half of said dolphin, the exact same type of creature you might see if one had popped out of the water to look at you at SeaWorld or one of those overpriced swim with the dolphin scams.

“She’s a dolphin, Dumbass,” I whispered. “An actual clucking dolphin. Like, from the movie Flipper.”

“Gee, you’re really smart, Flap,” Dumbass snorted. “You identified a dolphin all on your own! Give yourself a pat on the back!”

My arm reached over my shoulder and patted me on the back.

“Knock it off, Dumbass!” I shouted. “I thought I told you not to do that anymore?!”

My implant didn’t respond, which was incredibly suspicious for Dumbass, and that’s when I noticed the dolphin was looking right at me. Everyone was, really.

She skittered across the field towards me on spideresque metal legs not unlike the ones Dr. Loveless sported during the big finale of Wild Wild West. She walked up to me and blew a big snort out of her blowhole, showering me in mist a little too frothy to have just been water. “Is there something you would like to share with the rest of the accused, Mr. Merganser? Or did you just intend on interrupting my lesson with a string of foul language?”

“Haha, fowl language,” I muttered. “Nice.”

Dolphina snorted again, this time so loud it caused Donk to ball up and roll away from me and slip into the crowd. He popped up and gave me a look that said I had embarrassed him, and I honestly understood where he was coming from. I had a literal dumbass inside my head, guiding my every wrong move.

Still, my impulse was to defend myself, but I knew I was in the wrong. So I just said, “I’m... sorry?”

“Well, it’s quite alright.” She smiled in a way that said she truly meant it. “I wouldn’t expect anyone coming off the receiving end of one of Bawkman’s… shall I call it… lessons to have their wits about them. Though it was nice of him to show us how effective a ranged attack can be, wasn’t it?”

A rumble of murmured agreement rippled through the crowd.

“Excuse me?” I raised my hand. “No offense, but aren’t we chickenshits, ma’am?”

“That’s pure demeaning nonsense and you know it.” She turned to me and winked. “Now please, join the rest. I promise I won’t pick on you today… much. You’ve certainly had enough of that.”

I walked over and stood next to Donk. He slid a few steps away, and though I knew what it was like to be judged for hanging out with the ugly duckling, it kind of pissed me off after having called the guy my friend.

“Sorry,” he whispered, almost as if he had heard my thoughts. “Donk is already disliked enough and you are not helping today. Tomorrow Donk will be friend again. Agree?”

“Yeah, yeah,” I nodded, then directed my gaze towards Master Dolphina. I desperately wanted to scan her, but that hadn’t turned out so hot for me last time, so I resisted the urge. Dumbass could answer any questions I had later.

“Where was I again?” Dolphina said.

“The importance of ranged combat,” snarled a raspy female voice. “Not that you can teach me anything I don’t already know.”

“Now, now. Even for the most skilled of all, there is always more to learn,” Dolphina responded, not missing a beat. “Len Bawkman is a prime example of that. And thank you, Anzu. Have a little experience.”

“Gee, a hundred points. Thanks, I guess.”

“Any experience is good experience, Anzu.” Dolphina sighed. “So, my little accused, ranged combat is important because it allows you to attack your enemy from a distance. I know, I know. The name already tells you as much, but there are other benefits to consider as well. Does anyone know what they might be? No one? Hmm. No brave souls in this group, I see.”

“Ranged combat gives you a choice,” said that raspy voice again. “Unlike close combat, where you have to be on damn near on top of your enemy to do any damage, you can choose not to engage.”

“Very good, Anzu!” Dolphina beamed. “Let’s move onto someone that hasn’t been through the things you have. How about you… Flap? What might another benefit of ranged combat be?”

“Tell her it looks cool! Tell her it looks cool! Tell her it looks cool!” Dumbass screamed inside my head. “And use that line from the tears in rain speech! Like C-Beams glittering in the dark!”

I couldn’t think of anything on my own, so I just repeated what Dumbass said, and added a little extra, “Uh... it looks cool, I guess? Like C-Beams glittering in the dark off the shoulder of Orion?”

“No! You messed it up! It’s Tannhauser Gate, pond cuck!” Dumbass squealed. “You’re embarrassing us!”

“C-Beams? Huh? Nevermind. Still suffering from that knock out, I see.” Dolphina looked me up and down. “Tsk tsk. I may have to have a word with Bawkman about his methods.”

A rumble of laughter rolled through the range.

Dolphina continued, “And yes, while firing particle weapons across a distance may look cool, there are other things that are more important. So you can have partial credit for that.”

I received a notification telling me I had been granted an additional fifty experience points.

“Stupid dolphin doesn’t know what she’s talking about,” Dumbass mumbled in my mind. “Lasers are awesome.”

“Okay, let’s see…” Dolphina said. “Who else? How about… you, Donk? I’ve seen you hanging out with Merganser. Let’s see if you can do better than your friend.”

Donk stuttered. “Y-y-you would call on Donk?”

“Of course, I would! So tell me, Donk. What’s an advantage of ranged combat?”

A shiver ran through the insect. “Donk’s answer is that it is, um, safer? Is safer correct, Master?”

“Say it with a little more confidence next time, but very good, Donk! It most certainly can be safer, especially when taking on an opponent who insists on engaging in close combat, as Master Bawkman showed us only a few minutes ago.”

Another rumble of laughter.

“I’m gonna kick her butt,” Dumbass said. “She’s picking on us.”

“Leave it alone, Dumbass,” I whispered. “She doesn’t even have a butt. And she’s just making a point. A clucking valid point at that.”

“Still, I don’t like it.”

“Jokes aside,” Dolphina said with a glance towards me. “Attention, Flap. Every specialization has its advantages and disadvantages, and it is the responsibility of every accused to identify the combat style that suits them personally. And—to give you trainees a chance to decide if ranged combat is for you—we’re going to have ourselves a little”—she ripped a tarp off a table in front of her, exposing several dozen matte black carbines—“friendly competition. Now, choose your partner and I’ll explain the game.”

***

I made a beeline for Donk, only to find that he had already paired up with some weird animal that looked like a cross between a horse and one of those gray aliens people always claim to get probed by. I cursed my dumb luck, then scrambled through the crowd in search of a different partner. I can’t exactly explain why, but I didn’t want to disappoint this Dolphina lady. It could have been because she was she was giving off some pretty heavy motherly vibes. She seemed like she really cared about all these misfits sentenced to die a horrible death in the Trials, and I didn’t want her thinking I didn’t appreciate that.

I gotta say; I think I’ve been getting a little soft ever since I became part human or whatever they did to me. Stuff like that and Donk turning his back on me was really bothering me.

So, in a desperate search for approval, I ran around that range like a duck with its head cut off. I must’ve asked fifteen different people from half a dozen species if they wanted to partner up, only to get the Forrest Gump seats taken treatment from each and every one. Donk was right. I had tainted myself by being an ass. Despite that, I scanned the range with desperation, only to find no one standing alone like me.

Suddenly, I felt a whole hell of a lot like I had gotten picked last in gym in class—if I had actually ever actually taken a gym class on account of being a duck and all. But then, Dolphina’s sweet cetacean voice cut through the murmuring.

“Why don’t you partner up with Anzu, Flap?” she said. “I think your skills would really compliment each other.”

“Oh, c’mon!” barked Anzu. “You gotta me kidding me!”

“Hey, you got a problem with…” I trailed off as I spun around and found myself staring at something I had only ever seen in picture books. Well, something I had only ever seen other people see in picture books in movie and stuff. Anzu, the source of that sandpaper voice and the poor attitude that went with it, was a dinosaur. An honest to god full blown clucking dinosaur. Only a little different. More evolved or something. She stood more upright than a tyrannosaurus rex, not quite bipedal like a hominid, but not really terrible lizardlike either.

New Milestone: Paleontologist!

You have discovered a new dinosaur species! While not technically new, and really the dinosaur species, the bird-like beast you see before you is the other half of the eons old conflict your genius implant has been telling you about. You should get it a gift, you know? That’s what good implant owners do…

I cleared the notification faster than it came up and stared at the dinosaur. She was covered head to claw in colorful feathers ranging from red to green, yet she still had reptilian skin visible on her head, neck, and legs. A blade-like crest rose from the center of her head and flowed into what looked incredibly like a bird’s beak.

And that’s when it hit me. When I was first ripped from my beloved pond and given a rundown of my situation—Earth’s situation—way back before they had changed me into what I am now, that Gallic had said Earth was being repossessed because of a deal the chickens had made.

A deal with their cousins. The dinosaurs.

And that’s what Anzu looked like. A giant chicken, different and yet the same. Like two branches of different evolutionary ladders. Like cousins.

It was then that it all made sense. The conflict between the species wasn’t because they were so different. It was because they were so similar. Like so many of Earth’s own conflicts.

I scanned her.

Anzu

Level 9 Dinosaur

Specialization: Ranged Combat

Once one of the two apex species in the Galaxy, the dinosaurs are all but a myth now. Most have been wiped from the face of the universe, and those that remain have been relegated to slavery… or worse. Anzu is a prime example of her species, though if you want to know her actual history, you’re probably going to have to ask her. The only trouble is you’ll have to make friends first. That might be a tall order, judging by the way she’s looking at you, though...

“Me? With him? Really?” Anzu snarled. “All he’s gonna do is slow me down. He looks like one of… them. Only… uglier.”