CHAPTER ONE

I heard the elastic rustle of trash bags some floors below as do-gooder Navid cleaned up the dregs of the party that had long fizzled out. Sleepy teens solicited rides from the precious few with access to a family car. The ones who hadn't managed to stay awake were slung over every available surface: ottomans, the pool table, bathtubs, each other.

Melanie and I were alone in her bedroom; at least, only she and I were conscious. Parker was passed out on the floor between us. We talked like he wasn't there, faces illuminated by the screens of our phones.

I settled deeper into the dented frame of the couch, which Melanie had torn a corner off of after an argument with her parents just before they went out of town. I wanted to believe Melanie wasn't the type to clap back at her parents by throwing a raucous party the very night they left, but here we were.

Melanie scrolled down and read off her phone: "The last text I got from Lisa. 11:15 pm. 'Come find me?'"

She flopped onto her bed, throwing her phone at the wall. I winced. I hadn't gotten used to Melanie's fits of destruction. Everyone dealt with their problems differently, and for being such a star student, Melanie was prone to explosions.

Three words. That's it. That is all." Melanie sighed. "Your turn. Mine sets a pretty low bar."

"Um..." I picked at a seam on my rubbery phone case. "Mine's the opposite. Still not much, though. The last text I got from Peter, uh, 'Don't look for me.'"

My cheeks went red in the heat of the receding lie. As far as lies went, it was serviceable. Unassuming. I couldn't show the real text to Melanie. Not because she'd know what it meant, kind of the opposite. She'd have no idea what it meant, and I was afraid she'd ask questions. Questions I deeply wanted to answer and knew that I shouldn't. I shut off my screen and pocketed the phone.

"Ugh! I wish I could tell if she still wanted me to find her!" Melanie semi-drunkenly pounded a fist on the plush comforter. "She sends me this and then drops off the face of the Earth. No location, no hints... I feel like I'm missing something that she's just not telling me."

Was now the time?

The Big Secret welled up within me like a rising tide. It felt like I was going to vomit a massive pile of feelings, like I was about to tell Melanie that I'd killed a person or that I had a huge crush on her or something. It wasn't Lisa who was keeping the final piece of information from Melanie, it was me. It had always been me.

Parker sat up and rubbed his eyes.

"Oh hey," he mumbled. "I fell asleep."

I pushed the Big Secret back down into the box I was never supposed to open, where it prodded my insides like an unsettled cat. That was the problem with the Big Secret: it would never be time. It wasn't like regular secrets. It wouldn't just change our friendship; it would change everything. The universe. I didn't know if it was my place to change the universe. It made it impossible to talk to Melanie about Peter and Lisa; we weren't even having the same conversation.

Parker rolled over like a drugged ferret and looked at Melanie. "Can I stay over?"

She gave me a look like, it's your fault I'm friends with him.

The door tentatively pushed open and Navid poked his head through. "Alex, can we go?" He jangled his keys. "I'm exhausted."

I looked at Melanie, who nodded and waved a hand at me.

"I'll pick you up for school tomorrow," she said, looking somewhere just above my shoulder, vacant. "There's nothing we can do, right?"

"Guess not."

I knew Melanie would be fine in the morning. She was always fine in the morning.