Still dirty, Bonifacius and John travelled to their next quest location.

Aside from collecting the apples they were also tasked with visiting a nearby graveyard where they would have to protect an NPC as they cleanse the local darkness.

“Bonifacius: We must seek out the cleric who will find us the evil spirits which haunt this town,” he explained.

“JohnWillStab: A cleric? So, like a healer?”

“Bonifacius: Tis simply the title of one of the lower ranks of the paladin’s order, an organisation dedicated to defeating the undead.”

John nodded.

“JohnWillStab: Alright, sounds like a cool quest,”

“Bonifacius: Indeed! Finally, thou shall gain the ability to show some heroism!” Bonifacius agreed.

“Bonifacius: Not that I’m implying thou were not heroic previously, what matters is helping others of course!” he quickly added.

The two headed towards the fenced-off graveyard, it was overgrown, with large bushes and crooked trees growing from the ground with some of the grave’s inhabitants sitting atop them in comically lifelike positions.

A few steps into the graveyard the NPC appeared, it was a blond-haired human with short hair and a clean-shaven face.

He wore long, light-blue robes with golden accents and over-sized shoulder pads with floating orbs of pure light which lit up the furious expression on the man’s face.

He wore a tabard displaying the paladin’s logo.

Reminder that all of the following conversation took place in a dialogue box like always.

“Edgarf: You’re finally here… The guys sent by the paladin.”

“Edgarf: You really took your time…”

He breathed an annoyed sigh.

“Bonifacius: We made it here as quickly as we could,” he replied.

“Edgarf: Forget it, we don’t have any time to lose…”

Bonifacius nodded.

“Bonifacius: Indeed, how may we help?”

“Edgarf: It’s simple, this graveyard is overrun with foul spirits of the ones who died in the purge of this village a few years back,” he began.

“JohnWillStab: The purge?” John butted in.

Edgarf rolled his eyes as he turned to face JohnWillStab.

“Edgarf: Do you really not know what happened here three years ago?!” he demanded.

John shook his head.

“Edgarf: It was probably a novice mage messing around with magic they didn’t understand, there were a few of them in this town.”

“Edgarf: The village was found to be filled with heretics practicing dark arts, they were allegedly possessed by the evil energies permeating this land.”

“Edgarf: That’s why they needed to be culled, as such the town was reduced to ash with the aid of a hired archmage,”

“Bonifacius: And the spirits of those purged are still in turmoil… I see…”

Edgarf nodded.

“Edgarf: I was hoping to bring rest to this place for a long time now, but I finally became a cleric and earned the privilege of picking areas to cleanse…” he said with a potent feeling of relief.

“Bonifacius: I see, let’s begin.”

Edgarf nodded.

The man sombrely walked further into the graveyard.

JohnWillStab and Bonifacius followed.

“JohnWillStab: Interesting…” he remarked.

“Bonifacius: Indeed, an entire village burned to ashes, unable to rest in these cursed grounds!” he nodded.

That’s when it happened, from the ground appeared flames and from the flames appeared arms.

Its flesh was charred black and cracked such that more flames from within the ghoulish creature were exposed.

It let out a distorted cry as from under the ground its head appeared, a burning, twitching skulls with glowing eyes and a potent aura of hatred permeating its body.

“Edgarf: Quick, you two! You’re meant to defend me while I cleanse this land!” the cleric commanded as the undead was quickly reduced to a pile of ash by Bonifacius’ blade.

“Edgarf: It is said that when a spirit is killed their very souls are annihilated, though in the case of these spirits, that may be for the best…”

Before the group could rest John attacked another undead which charged at Edgarf, it was charred solid black but had no flames on its body, instead it was enveloped in black smoke which flew out from its mouth and nose.

It didn’t walk, it hovered above the ground as it flew towards its target.

John sliced at the creature removing its head before it disappeared, turning into a puff of smoke.

John turned back and saw Bonifacius slay another smoke-ghoul as the assault finally stopped.

Edgarf knelt down onto the ground and took a few anxious breaths.

“Edgarf: Those… were worse than I imagined…” he remarked with a hand over his mouth.

“YOU’RE NOT THE ONE FIGHTING THEM!” John thought.

After a few seconds, he stood back up and extended his hand forward.

“Edgarf: Purify!” he commanded as the nearby grass and trees turned a slightly more vibrant, lighter hue.

He reached into his non-existent pocket and pulled out a modern-looking spray bottle, it was labelled “The Holy Cleanser!”.

It showed a man clad in paladin robes and a pink apron doing dishes.

He sprayed it down onto the dirt a few times and used an expensive-looking cloth with a golden trim to rub the foamy solution into the earth.

Golden sparks appeared throughout the purified patch of grass as the evil got literally burned away, the fel fumes drifting upwards into the air.

“WHAT THE FUCK DID HE JUST DO?!”

“WHY THE SPRAY BOTTLE?!”

“IS THIS A SERIOUS MOMENT OR A FUNNY ONE?! WHAT ARE THE DEVS THINKING?!”

“Edgarf: Let’s keep going… we’re probably close…” he said placing the bottle of holy cleanser away.

“JohnWillStab: The f#*k do you mean by close?! You cleaned like on tiny patch of this big a$s place!”

“Bonifacius: Perhaps he’s tired? Maybe I should go purchase some refreshments?”

John breathed a sigh.

“JohnWillStab: Will that work?”

Bonifacius shrugged.

“Bonifacius: Perhaps…?”

“JohnWillStab: Alright, I’ll mind the NPC for now,” he relented.

“Bonifacius: Great! What shall I get thee?”

“JohnWillStab: ?”

“Bonifacius: I am asking what type of refreshment would thou want? Juice, ale, milk?”

“JohnWillStab: …”

“JohnWillStab: I’d like some milk.”

Bonifacius nodded.

“Bonifacius: Alright! I shall return in no time!”

And so, as Bonifacius turned to leave the abandoned graveyard, JohnWillStab sat down on the purified grass.

John looked around seeing the NPC standing in the same spot.

He glanced outside seeing the early morning light through his closed curtains.

“Shit, I should be heading to sleep soon… it’s getting pretty early…”

He looked around for the pack of crisps he was certain he left around his desk.

“I’m sure I left a packet here somewhere…”

If he couldn’t find his snack, he would be forced make himself a proper meal, that being a portion of instant noodles.

After a few more minutes of searching, he gave up.

“Maybe the rats took it…” he thought.

“Or the neighbours?”

“Or the thief?” he thought, he had one specific thief in mind.

Hear the sound of the aforementioned neighbour outside, John walked over to his window, sliding the curtains aside and peering outside to see his neighbour in the middle of an intense fist-fight with a cat over a scrap of meat.

The man worked as a plumber; he really did have the money to just buy the meat.

He just managed to scare the cat away when more appeared, surrounding the man who was forced to retreat or die defending his ideals.

Before the man charged into battle John cracked the window open and called out to him.

“You can’t take on that many cats, Harry!” he exclaimed seeing the man turn to face John’s window.

The fight was taking place in the fenced-off parking area.

It technically belonged to all six of residents, though only one of them actually had a car.

“Oh, John, you’re still awake?” the man called back.

He lifted his hands in defeat as the cats took their piece of meat and triumphantly headed into the bushes.

The man had a short, grey beard and wore a dark green beany over what looked like multiple layers of coats.

“Ain’t it a bit early for you to be up?” he asked.

John shrugged.

“Never mind that, did you by chance break into my house? Again? And take my crisps?” he asked.

“Eh? No… maybe it was the thief?” Harry the cat slayer speculated.

“Or the rats?”

John breathed a sigh.

“Alright, thanks…”

Harry nodded as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pack of expensive meats, he tossed a piece onto the ground and patiently awaited the next challenger.

“I guess I could make myself some instant noodles…”

He was about to head into his kitchen, he glanced at his computer screen only to feel a chill run down his spine.

The NPC was gone.

All colour left JohnWillStab as he crumbled and turned to dust like an ancient vampire who was defeated by the grandson and great grandson of his adopted brother from a hundred years ago.

He rushed over to his computer, spinning the camera around in hopes of finding the missing NPCs only to see him sprinting through the graveyard with a small army of undead on his tail.

“FUCK!” he exclaimed.

John sat down and with the speed of a depressed Asian man leaping under the train tracks he began moving his in-game character towards the NPC he failed to protect.

JohnWillStab’s character was continuously assaulted with small pebbles that bounced off his head.

“Mysterious Ghost: Oi!”

Smack.

“Mysterious Ghost: Oi!”

Smack.

“Mysterious Ghost: Oi!”

Smack.

“Mysterious Ghost: Aren’t you supposed to like… help him?”

“Mysterious Ghost: Oi!”

Smack.

Tired of the barrage, JohnWillStab broke into a sprint, he had no time to question who was pelting him with rocks.

“JohnWillStab: I’M COMING, NPC!”

“Edgarf: Careful! I think there are more of them ahead… The ritual will probably awaken them.”

“JohnWillStab: THEN STOP SUMMONING MORE, IDIOT!”

As he ran, the undead behind Edgarf pummelled him relentlessly, his health was steadily decreasing.

JohnWillStab made it up to him in the last possible moments before he would have certainly died, he used the “/pickup” command to grab the cleric and carry him over his shoulder.

Since John’s athletics stat was above average, he was fast enough to escape the undead following him.

“Edgarf: That was close… I think I got all the hotspots cleansed…”

Edgarf breathed a sad sigh.

“JohnWillStab: CHEER UP, YOU MIGHT SURVIVE!”

“Where is Bonifacius?!”

“Edgarf: I was actually hoping to find a specific spirit in here…” he began.

“JohnWillStab: Cool, I don’t care!”

“JohnWillStab: I’m kind of busy!” he exclaimed turning his camera to see the army behind them, even now it was only a meter or so behind John.

“Edgarf: It’s a bit of a long story…”

“JohnWillStab: THEN KEEP IT FOR LATER!”

Regardless, Edgarf kept talking.

“Edgarf: A few years back I actually used to live in this village,”

“JohnWillStab: OH MY GOD YOU’RE ACTUALLY STILL TALKING!”

“Edgarf: Me and my brother that is, the village was suffering from a severe famine, a disease killed off all our crops and we were left with only a handful of animals…”

“JohnWillStab: I’LL THROW YOU TO THE ZOMBIE HORDE IF YOU DON’T SHUT UP!”

“Edgarf: Being the talented mage he was, my brother tried to make our animals bigger and make them grow faster,”

“Edgarf: He was a master of energy-control magic, you see…”

John was at this point just running circles around the graveyard.

“JohnWillStab: I’M F#*KING SERIOUS, I’LL THROW YOU AWAY!”

“Edgarf: It failed terribly, they became aggressive and the disease began to spread around the animals…”

“Edgarf: But it never spread to a single person! The paladin’s order appeared and burned the entire village to the ground out of nowhere, I managed to escape the village, but everyone else died…”

“Edgarf: I’ve infiltrated the paladins for all these years just to -” he was cut off when JohnWillStab rammed his head into a tree successfully knocking him out.

“JohnWillStab: TAKE THAT AS#*OLE!”

Unlike before he turned towards the exit of the graveyard and began running past the ruins of the town with a horde of endlessly spawning undead.

Before John appeared a small obstacle, a group of five or so slimes.

“Slime (Level 3): Blub (Look who’s back already! Ready for round two, punk?!)”

While John just jumped over them, the undead didn’t, and so the slimes were reduced to a mere obstacle slowing the undead down a bit.

He kept running as Edgarf opened his eyes.

“Edgarf: I’ve infiltrated the p-” he was cut off again as his head was once again smashed against a tree, this time not on purpose.

The tree-bashing made his passive health regeneration go to waste every few seconds.

“I have to find Bonifacius! He’ll be able to deal with these!” he thought.

JohnWillStab turned his camera to face the road ahead, the dim light of the clouded sky above snuck through the thick canopy in small patches.

The glowing embers and flames within the ghouls pursuing John stood out, moving in a rhythmic, almost hypnotic fashion.

“Shit, shit, shit, SHIT!”

Suddenly as JohnWillStab was about to be defeated he was suddenly approached by a normal looking human, they were see-through and had light-coloured hair.

“Mysterious Ghost: How’s it going?” he asked easily keeping up with JohnWillStab’s sprint with his hand behind his head.

It was an NPC.

JohnWillStab opened the dialogue box with him.

“IT’S THE DUDE WHO TOSSED ROCKS AT ME!”

“JohnWillStab: Who are you?”

The man scratched his chin.

“Mysterious Ghost: I’m a ghost! My name doesn’t matter!”

He pointed at John.

“Mysterious Ghost: What does matter is that you’re about to join the army of pissed-off ghosts chasing Edgarf.”

He shrugged, breathing a reluctant sigh with a smile.

“Mysterious Ghost: It’s pretty crowded there, you know. I’d hate it if you were to join the list of pi#*ed-off ghosts living in this graveyard!”

“JohnWillStab: Fine, what should I do?” he asked.

The ghost laughed, after a few seconds he turned towards John and gave him a thumbs up.

“Mysterious Ghost: I dunno!”

“JohnWillStab: …”

JohnWillStab proceeded to target the ghost and use this kick ability.

John’s foot phased through the ghost, almost causing him to fall to the ground.

“Mysterious Ghost: You can’t hurt me, I’m pretty skilled with energy-control magic, so I made myself non-solid!” he laughed giving John a condescending smile of pity.

“Mysterious Ghost: Normally, ghosts like us can’t just get mana from the air like you guys, so this is also a way of conserving mine!”

John was visibly upset at the inability to kick this dead person.

As the group continued, Edgarf opened his eyes.

He looked around trying to understand the current situation.

“JohnWillStab: He’s awake!”

His eyes widened as he remembered something important, it was something he absolutely needed to tell John.

He opened his mouth.

“Edgarf: I’ve infiltrated the pala-”

SMACK!

His head was once again smashed against a tree, nature really had something against this paladin.

Though, considering this was a cursed forest, saying the trees would attack a cleric isn’t that much of a stretch.

The mysterious ghost looked at the cleric sombrely.

“Mysterious Ghost: …”

Once again, a smile manifested on his face.

“Mysterious Ghost: Anyway!”

“Mysterious Ghost: The restless spirits of the ghosts won’t rest until one of two things happen…” he began.

He held up one hand with a raised index finger.

“Mysterious Ghost: You toss Edgarf into the army of angry ghosts!”

“Mysterious Ghost: Or, you could pay a visit to Lightwarp Keep, east of here, near the mountains, you’ll need to confront their leader about what happened during the pruge!”

“JohnWillStab: If I throw Edgarf away, will the ghosts come after me?” he asked.

The ghost shook his head.

“Mysterious Ghost: Nope,” he said confidently.

JohnWillStab immediately stopped.

He turned to face the horde as he began spinning Edgarf like a weight about to be thrown by someone at the Olympics.

He tossed the unconscious human away into the distance.

The mysterious ghost’s jaw stood agape with a look of horrified shock stamped onto it.

“Mysterious Ghost: …”

The ghost grabbed JohnWillStab by the collar and began violently shaking him.

“Mysterious Ghost: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!”

“JohnWillStab: You said I could throw him away…”

“Mysterious Ghost: I DIDN’T THINK YOU’D DO IT!”

“JohnWillStab: Well, you shouldn’t have beaten around the bush!” JohnWillStab crossed his arms with a wry expression.

The ghost breathed a sigh with an uncharacteristic look of despair.

“Mysterious Ghost: W-well… I saw you spared the slimes…”

“JohnWillStab: That’s because I valued their determination!” he explained looking at the cleric land atop one of a handful thick branches.

He hung from an old tree which kept him from being devoured by the undead below, for once, a tree helped him.

The undead clawed at the base of the tree as they tried to get their decayed hands on the traitor of their village, the one who not only survived but returned wearing the clothes of a paladin.

“JohnWillStab: There’s more to one’s actions that the final result, spending years trying to get revenge isn’t admirable in and of itself,” he said with folded arms.

“JohnWillStab: Unless you’re saying I should admire the ghosts for trying to get Edgarf as well…” John continued.

He turned to face the ghost who looked down to his feet anxiously.

“Mysterious Ghost: That’s not quite right… I’m the one who got everyone killed.” He finally said.

JohnWillStab raised an eyebrow as the ghost began approaching the horde.

“Mysterious Ghost: I discovered the paladin’s secret and they came to make sure nobody survived to tell anyone else…”

A sad smile crept onto his face despite his struggle to appear confident.

“Mysterious Ghost: And my magic experiments on the animals were enough of an excuse for the paladin who were not yet fully corrupted…”

“Mysterious Ghost: I’d be a pretty shitty brother if I didn’t at least try and help Edgarf out!” he remarked before stepping into the horde of undead and quickly disappearing from JohnWillStab’s line of sight.

“HOW COME HE GETS TO SWEAR?!” John demanded.

He was about to leave and meet up with Bonifacius when the memory of their second quest struck him.

“The mushroom guy, Muschrum… I guess he did take responsibility for his screwup…”

“I guess I did start the quest…”

“And I was meant to keep an eye on the NPC but I screwed up and got distracted with my stolen crisps…”

JohnWillStab breathed a sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Damn it… I’m getting infected with these people’s try-hard tendencies!” he thought smashing the “W” key on his keyboard.

He charged into the horde of undead, unlike the ghost, John opted for the other way up; he jumped onto the tightly-packed army of undead which were for some reason solid unlike the only friendly ghost John met.

Well, friendly except for rock-throwing tendencies.

He was running across their burning skulls until he was just within reach of the cleric.

“JohnWillStab: SERIOUSLY, F#*K THIS GAME!” he cried as he grabbed the NPC with the “/pickup” command and broke into a sprint east towards the mountains.

The decomposing army turned to face John who used their heads as stepping stones away from the danger.

As soon as he jumped off and hit the ground, he set his sights on the paladin’s base in the distant mountains.

The entire time he was followed by the even more pissed-off horde.

After a few minutes, the large structure built against the steep side of the mountains came into view, there were several massive terraces surrounded by walls.

Tall towers stuck out from the all around the base, they had several rows of windows and pointed rooves.

Into view came the large bridge made from solid rock, it was the only visible way to enter the paladin’s base.

Below the bridge was a massive crevice, it served almost like a moat, stopping any unwanted guests circumventing the intended entrance.

As John drew nearer, he could see the messages from some of the paladin NPCs further up on the bridge.

“Paladin Guard: Halt, undead!” exclaimed one of the armoured guards, they wore generic-looking iron armour along with the typical crusader helmet.

Upon their chest, they wore a white and yellow tabard with a yellow crusader helmet on it.

“Paladin Guard: I will put an end to you!” cried another.

Before they could finish drawing their weapons, JohnWillStab ran straight past them, causing the two humans to be knocked off the bridge by the constant stream of flaming undead following John like a swarm of ants.

“JohnWillStab SORRY!” he cried not daring to look back.

He kept travelling up the straight bridge, more guards appeared and more guards got thrown off into the abyss below.

JohnWillStab spotted a different name in the chat for once.

“Paladin Defender: We’re under attack! Draw your weapons! SHUT THE GATE!”

“Uh-oh…”

The ground trembled as JohnWillStab made if off the bridge and onto one of the massive terraces.

As soon as he got off the bridge, the gate behind him shut, keeping the undead at bay.

Before John could process the implications of the ghost-blocking gate, he noticed it begin to crack.

The vengeful spirits bashed and gnawed on the wooden gate reinforced with iron plates, slowly they decreased its durability.

John turned his camera to face the large, intimidating figure that was the “Paladin Defender”.

He was wearing oversized armour made from gold and silver, he wasn’t a human but an ogre with two massive swords in his hands and shoulder pads large enough to house a small nation.

His swords seemed like they would have each been two-handed weapons for any other race.

“Paladin Defender: You dirty this sacred ground, undead…”

JohnWillStab didn’t have time to chat with the steroid-priest and so he attempted to run past him only to have his character launched backwards by a single attack from the paladin; about a quarter of his total health was gone in a flash with only a solid kick to the torso.

What was even worse, the undead were getting closer to breaking the gate with every passing second, if he couldn’t make it past the paladin defender, he couldn’t keep Edgarf from being torn to shreds by the vengeful undead.

“Paladin Defender: Is that all, undead?!” he demanded as he broke into a sprint towards John.

JohnWillStab rolled to the side, narrowly missing an ‘x’ slash with the two massive blades.

He jumped back only to have one of the swords thrown at him mid-air.

Unable to dodge, JohnWillStab was stabbed through the gut with the oversized weapon which launched his back towards a staircase up.

“SHIT!” John looked to his health bar which flashed red, it was around the ten-percent mark.

As if to pour salt, then piss in the wound, golden chains of light manifested between the handle of the sword in John’s abdomen and the paladin’s hand as he yanked him back.

John’s body slipped off the sword mid-flight, falling to the ground with little more than five percent of his total health.

“Shit… I thought I could just run past all the strong enemies!” John thought seeing the ogre walk back to where he started.

“Paladin Defender: How did you expect this to end, undead?” he laughed.

JohnWillStab clenched every muscle in his body as he thought up a risky plan to get them out of this situation.

“HERE GOES NOTHING!”

JohnWillStab sprinted towards the ogre again.

He heard the sound of breaking wood as the ghastly horde poured in like a tidal wave of undead cockroaches.

As he drew nearer, the colossal figure pulled his blades back just in time for John to open his inventory and drop about three stacks of apple-cider slime directly onto the ground.

Both John and the paladin, as well as the incoming undead were trapped in the deluge of sticky alcohol, eating some of it, John regained a lot of his health.

And while John was immune to the slime’s alcoholic effects, the paladin wasn’t.

He gasped for air only to suddenly loosen up as his vision dropped in quality and his speech became slurred.

After only a few seconds he fell backwards, narrowly avoiding drowning thanks to the rapid rate at which the slime spilled over the edge and into the moat-like pit outside.

JohnWillStab was now trudging through the slime, Edgarf over his shoulder and undead on his tail.

When he escaped his slimy trap, JohnWillStab turned to the large staircase leading to the higher level of the base.

“The guy in charge has to be up there somewhere!” he thought heading up the stairs