“Did it still feel wrong to you, that you were in love with your friend?” Dr. Paege asked.

“Honestly… Once that moment hit, loving Gael was as natural as it was to breathe and play my bass. I knew I loved him.” I breathed, reliving the intensity of the memory.

“So when you avoided facing these feelings, it didn’t help to keep you from facing them did it?” She tapped her notebook, the pen hopping in front of that garish shirt.

“No. Not at all.”

“How did it feel to finally face your affection for Gael?”

“Like a weight, lifted from my shoulders. It was liberating, for a while.”

“For a while?” She raised an eyebrow.

“After I accepted my feelings for him, I realized that he might not reciprocate them. I told Absinthe about it, and she was completely unsurprised.” A smirk flashed across my face, remembering Absinthe’s aggravating insightfulness. The expression faded. The cold of loneliness reminded me of the old fear that still haunted me.

“I was still too afraid to bring it up with Gael,” I admitted. “I thought it might ruin everything if I tried. Not just my chances of having a romantic relationship, but the band and our friendship, too.” The old fear crept under my skin. If Gael knew, wouldn‘t he abandon me?

“So, after you had this realization, how did it affect your relationship with Gael?”

“I suppose there was so much going on… When I accepted my feelings for him, we were starting out as a new band. You know, playing wherever and whenever we could to get attention. I was awkward with him for a while, but I put my feelings away when the band got attention. Within the next year, we got a contract because of Gael and Digitalis’ childhood stardom. There wasn’t much to life outside the band. Every waking moment, we worked on our music and our image. My relationship with the band, and Gael, was changing. I didn‘t have time to confront my complicated feelings. The world just melted into the background.”

“So your crush didn‘t distract you at all?” Dr. Paege raised an eyebrow.

“I mean, I still had trouble concentrating when he was around. It’s just that band work was a good way to vent those feelings without handling them.”

“I don‘t agree that the band was enough of a distraction for you.”

“What do you mean?”

“Even just a little research about you reveals that you’ve been an avid partygoer since you were sixteen.” She had a smug look to her as though she’d cornered me. “Do you think those bottled up feelings for Gael encouraged this behavior?”

I narrowed my eyes at her, “I’d always thought parties were a staple of a rockstar lifestyle. When I drank, I was trying to live up to the image of a rockstar that I envisioned.”

“I want to talk about this ‘rockstar‘ image.” Dr. Paege summoned a photo on her computer. “One of your most famous photos is from a high school party. Tell me a little about that.” She crossed her legs again, and I looked at the image on her screen.

I remembered that photo and cringed, laughing awkwardly. On the front of all the tabloids back then was a picture of me, my azure blue hair right in the center of the image. In the photo, I laughed with a bottle of beer in one hand, my other holding me up as I knelt in front of a guy as he opened his belt buckle. The press released the photo to end my career, but somehow the band only gained popularity. Not every mistake, though, would turn out so well… That photo got me bad press even to this day.

“That photo…” I pursed my lips. “It was a rough day in recording, so Digitalis and I got hammered, and I offered a stranger a blowjob.”

“Would you agree that this is where your bad habits began?”

“Yeah. That much is obvious.”

“You thought the parties were only harmless fun?” She prodded at it with her questions and I couldn’t help but be annoyed that I hadn‘t satisfied her with the answer I‘d given.

“Yeah. I wanted to be a true rock star, so I wanted the alcohol and sex and parties.”

“You didn’t do it at all to avoid facing Gael with your feelings?”

“I mean… I don’t think I did. I think I dealt with that with all the hookups and meaningless sex. I used to imagine that they were Gael, and it gave me a little relief for a while.”

“I see…” She scribbled more notes. “Pretending your hookups were Gael… How did that help you?”

“It didn‘t help me,” I admitted. “It usually backfired.”

“How?”

“There were so many ways… The worst was when I hooked up with a fan. I was 21, and the fan met me at a bar after a concert…”

***

My head was light from liquor, the taste of it still clinging to the back of my throat. I laughed as we made out, sloppy tongues mashing together, on the way to my hotel room. His hands on me were urgent now, but they were shy only a few minutes ago. I struggled to stand up when we got to my room and he took the key card from me, his hands fluid thanks to his sobriety. He opened the door, and I stumbled inside after him. I got onto my knees in front of him, catching his attention when I undid his pants. His hands were gentle in my hair when I took him into my mouth. I was too drunk to employ much skill, but he seemed satisfied anyway.

His fingers tightened in my hair. I closed my eyes, imagining it was Gael whose hands were in my hair, whose cock was in my mouth. Then, the fan pushed me off and his hands were on my chest as he kissed me. I took off my pants for him and he started to get me ready. I kept my mind filled with images of Gael: his face, his hands, his chest. He entered me and I let out a sound, biting my lip to suppress it. It always hurt a little at first. I endured it happily, thinking of Gael.

The fan grunted behind me, pulling my hips into him over and over. I moaned into the carpet, my hands clawing at the bed-skirts, desperate to hold on to anything.

“Ahhh, Gael!” I moaned. Loudly. The movements stopped for a moment. I turned my head, seeing the red-faced stranger behind me. I was too drunk to be embarrassed.

His hands pushed down against my back, my face and chest pressing against the carpet, and he pretended that he‘d heard nothing as he fucked me again.

At some point, I blacked out.

When I woke, the guy sat cross-legged on the bed in yesterday’s clothes, watching the TV. I groaned and sat up. He snapped to attention and grabbed a water bottle from the nightstand.

“You were pretty drunk last night. I think you should drink this.” His voice was shy and gentle like he feared I’d snap at him.

Sex with fans often ended up this way. They walked on eggshells to avoid displeasing their idol, like the intimate moments we had together had been nothing but fantasies. It made me feel a little less human.

I offered him a grateful smile, exhausted and holding my head when a hangover crept up onto me. Leaning back into the pillows, I chugged the entire bottle. I noticed how straight he sat up, like he’d shoved a stick up his own ass while I was asleep.

“Thanks for the water.”

His shoulders tensed. I could tell he wasn‘t sure what to say.

“You don’t have to be nervous. We had sex, didn’t we?” I laughed easily for him, a practiced action. He relaxed little, but there was a long way to go before he was completely at ease.

“Uh… Well… It seemed like I wasn’t on your mind last night. I worried you’d be disappointed when you woke up…” His face flushed red and I smiled.

“You’re brave to admit something like that. I like it.” I opened the nightstand drawer in search of the water I’d stashed when I checked in. I chugged another one. “Why would that disappoint me?”

“Well… You called for Gael last night when we were having sex.” He was rubbing his palm with his thumb, a nervous tick.

I put a hand on his shoulder to calm him, but he tensed beneath my fingers. I slid my hand back off.

“Did I really do that…?” I asked him gently. “I’m… I’m really sorry. That’s pretty embarrassing for me…” He shot up, his hands flying up as though he would catch something in them.

“No! Not at all! I mean, Gael’s gorgeous, so… It’s only natural!”

“Hey, don’t worry so much. It was nothing, really. It was just some stupid drunken thing, you know? Gael’s just my friend.” I lied.

He looked up at me from under his eyelashes, still nervous. I leaned towards him, offering a devilish smile.

“You were amazing, by the way.” I purred, making him blush.

I caressed his cheek, pulling him into a kiss. We had some quick morning sex, but I wasn’t much in the mood for it. We went to breakfast afterward; I gave him an autograph, and he promised not to tell anyone.

***

“After that incident, did you regret how your drinking affected you?” The therapist sat calmly, her face blank, now.

“I mean… After that specific event, I wished that I was sober. I didn’t want him to think I’d only slept with him because I was drunk. It was even worse I’d called him Gael on top of it all… I felt bad about the whole thing.”

“Isn‘t it true, though, that you only slept with him because you were drunk?”

“It’s true, but I didn’t want him to know that.

“Did you try to stop drinking after that happened?”

“Yes. Sort of… I considered it for a few hours and then I attended another party that evening. Kind of didn’t work out, honestly.”

“I can see that.” She pursed her lips, “Now, you mentioned before that you didn’t drink to bury your emotions, but obviously, it eventually ended up that way. Do you remember when it transitioned from just ‘harmless’ fun to a real dependence?”

“Well… Let’s see…” I leaned back and pondered the question. “I think it was when we met Tanya. She loved Gael and got her rich dad to sponsor our band, all so she could meet him. She got the label to promise her an introduction to our band. To meet Gael.“ I chewed my lip, “Eventually, they let her meet him as promised. Gael didn’t really seem to have any interest in her, but I still felt threatened. They‘d spent a lot of time together. The label wanted them to act like friends, for the press and all that. He was just doing his job.“

I rested my face in my hands while the therapist waited patiently for me to continue.

I made a frustrated sigh before I continued, “Still, knowing she was after him worried me. They kept in contact after she got her band going, which she only did to have an excuse to stick to Gael like glue. I doubted my chances with Gael since they were hanging out all the time. I partied more to deal with the loneliness and the doubt. Before Tanya, I didn’t get trashed at every party I attended. I always drank, but I usually cut myself off after a while. After Tanya, I got smashed at every party. Outside of parties, I never used to drink. After Tanya, I kept a few bottles in my trailer and my apartment and I’d drink every time I had something on my mind. I took men home more often. I’d spend my days off drinking. It quickly became a problem.”

“I can tell. And how did it feel, to drink your problems away compared to drinking for fun?”

“It was definitely different for me. It wasn’t some fun experiment, and it wasn’t something I looked forward to. I craved alcohol. It was like fast food. It was something I consumed because I didn’t want to work to fill the emptiness inside me. I needed it.”

“What if you didn’t drink soon enough?”

“I felt like… Like the loneliness would consume me. I was heavy like I was just dragging myself along, leaving more of me behind as I went until there would be nothing left. I needed that euphoria I got when I was buzzed. Everything was so bleak and meaningless. Sometimes… Sometimes it didn’t even help to get drunk. The world got darker and darker, so I kept drinking to chase the darkness away until I eventually passed out.”

“These feelings stemmed from Tanya’s involvement in Gael’s life?” She inquired, a look of concern in her eyes that didn’t belong in a rehab facility therapist’s office.

“No. They started when Gael left the band.”

***

I was twenty-two, working with Digitalis after my first year running the band without Gael. My apartment was messy with paperwork, and my kitchen was scarce excluding the bottles I filled it with. At first, Digitalis was satisfied with sitting back and soaking up attention. Out of nowhere, she pestered me to let her write songs. Exhausted and depressed, I relented.

Digitalis and I used to drink together, so I overlooked most of her antics. I was charmed by her fun side.

Now, I walked in Gael‘s shoes. Digitalis’ antics never relented. Our already tense relationship grew more strained as each day passed. I wanted to read the songs she put on my desk, but I let my whiskey tempt me. I approved them without reading a single line. Surely, I thought, the label would judge them for me.

When the press heard her songs, they went insane. It should have been obvious to see how she bashed Gael in the lyrics. The press attacked us brutally. Everything fell onto my shoulders. The label arranged press conferences and planned cover-ups, but they weren‘t enough.

Absinthe proposed to leak a lie to the press that she and I were dating. It was like magic, how quickly the tabloids stopped printing about our ‘hatred’ for former band member Gael. The media gushed about how cute a couple we were. We held hands in public, shared a few kisses in a cafe, and stayed at each other’s apartments. The kisses were unpleasant for both of us. Neither of us much liked the opposite gender and our friendship added to the weirdness. Somehow, though, it was an odd comfort to hold hands. I thought of it as a platonic gesture.

***

“Did this publicity stunt help?” Dr. Paege tilted her head curiously at me.

I nodded, “Yeah. Especially Absinthe’s plan to use our fake relationship to show our support for Gael. We told the world he’d inspired our love for each other and that we’d always be grateful to him. After that, Digitalis got the brunt of the backlash for her songs. I still felt like a failure, but at least the band was alive.”

“So you mentioned that Digitalis was a thorn in your side and that she caused a lot of drama for the group. Tell me more about your relationship with her.”

“She and I were never close. We went to the same parties and worked together, but I never went out of my way to spend time together. We goofed around together sometimes and generally got along before Gael left the band. Otherwise, I saw little of her.”

“So she didn‘t affect you at all?”

“I… wouldn‘t say that. I resented her for a long time.” I narrowed my eyes, “Gael and Digitalis had a… turbulent relationship.”

“Why do you think this was?”

“At first, it was just their dynamic. He’s serious about music, and she just uses music to get attention. But something happened between them…” I flinched. I considered the event a failure of mine, even now.

“What happened?”

I sank into the memory, Absinthe’s laughter echoing over the sounds of the sea.

***

I was eighteen, and it was another day sifting through fan mail at the studio. Gael tuned his guitar while Absinthe and I sorted letters, opening a few here and there. We saved the heartfelt letters and beautiful tribute art that we liked for later, but we didn’t hesitate to pore over the items that caught our interest for other reasons. I snickered at a sketch of Absinthe in a Magical Girl style costume.

“How does anyone get the idea to draw me in that?” She asked, raising a brow as she took the picture into her hands.

“I don’t know, but it’s kind of funny, right? Imagine if you had to run away and have complicated transformations whenever trouble came.” I leaned back in my chair, looking forward as though I could see the mental image of her twirling with spirals of glitter all around until her clothes reformed into the costume the artist had designed. I covered my mouth again when laughter threatened to burst from it.

“If that’s so funny…” She trailed off, flipping through papers as I sat back up. She swiped a paper from one of the ‘save’ piles she’d arranged, a smug pull at the corner of her lip. “How about this?”

She revealed an imaginative watercolor painting of me, naked in a bed of peonies. I hissed, shielding my eyes.

“Why does it look so realistic? Why does it have to be peonies?” I peeked at it again, and it still embarrassed me.

“They must not know that you hate them, I guess. Still, it’s amazing. I want to keep it for myself.”

“No one can see that!” I bolted up to make a grab for it when she tried to shove it in her bag.

“Don’t ruin it. I want to see when I’m finished.” Gael piped in from over the sound of his guitar. I relaxed in my seat, admitting defeat with a sigh. Absinthe slid it into her bag, careful to keep it in pristine condition, practically humming from her victory.

“You’re lucky he spoke up, or I’d have it.” I whispered, chewing my lip.

“You really do let Gael have his way, don’t you.” She teased, so softly that even I could barely hear.

Again, we sorted through the loose pieces, placing a few that we seriously enjoyed into our ‘save’ piles until a humorous comic caught my gaze. We laughed together when I showed Absinthe, her hand clutching my shoulder when she started to laugh a little too hysterically. Digitalis walked by, a different piece catching her eye. She grabbed a crude drawing of Gael standing over her. It was drawn like an anime scene where the bad boy rests his fist on the wall beside the heroine as she blushes at him in awe. Digitalis snorted, a scarlet grin twitching into existence.

“How absurd! Like you’d ever take the domineering role.” She bent over from the exaggerated laughter and Gael glared at her from his seat.

“You couldn’t be the dominant one, either, since we’ll never be together.” He plucked a string in a way that exuded his annoyance, the guitar tuned and ready to go. He played a few chords experimentally.

Digitalis pretended not to hear him and sifted through the mail with us. Absinthe picked up a drawing of me making out with her. We cringed.

“They must have forgotten about my love for the female form…” Absinthe mumbled.

Digitalis snatched another one up and shoved it in her face. She’s depicted grabbing Absinthe’s breasts.

“This person didn’t forget.” Digitalis laughed wickedly when she noticed how her own bosom had been sketched: oversized and plump.

Absinthe mimed vomiting and stood up to go to her desk, mumbling something about studying our schedules. Gael worked on a new set of chords for a song, the sounds filling the background with pleasant noise. Digitalis hopped into Absinthe’s seat. We both snickered at the pictures and shared a cigarette, cringing at the handful of psychotic notes with body hair clippings included. We joked and roared with laughter when we spotted a series of absurd images. Digitalis snapped up a photo, hers and Gael’s heads photoshopped onto the bodies of porn stars in the middle of a saucy scene. She jolted up and shoved it right into his face.

“Maybe the fans are onto something, Gael. This looks pretty hot.” She purred at him and I laughed. Digitalis had always cracked jokes like that and Gael had always ignored them.

Not this time.

Gael let the guitar fall into his lap, snatching the photo and crumpling it tightly in his fist, which quivered noticeably. He tossed the guitar onto the couch beside him, snapping out of his chair to throw the photo into the trash.

“Just fuck off, Digitalis!” He shouted, raising his voice for the first time outside a concert hall. Everyone’s eyes were on them, now. Digitalis got red in the face, scowling angrily. She shouted curses after him, accusing him of overreacting while Gael stomped out of the room with his guitar.

***