I don’t know what it is with trains in this world, but everytime I see one something terrible happens.

Boreas really did a number on the train. The stupid piss bird turned all the walls into hunks of burned metal, making it derail. Then to make matters worse, the train circuit overloaded because suddenly it had too much fucking go-go juice and not enough places to put it.

The result is the four mile stretch of burned grass, burnt and molten metal, and corpses that I’m going to have to call home until the princess’ backup arrives. At least I have experience with this sort of thing.

After Boreas left, I immediately went to go find my babies. It took a while, but I eventually found them. Part of me wishes I didn’t.

My bags were buried under some charred furniture from my sleeping quarters and with some effort I pulled them free. The leather bags were worse off than the furniture, some were so burned that the remains of their contents just spilled out when I held them up.

I’ll be honest, I haven’t actually taken a good look at the contents of my bags yet, I just got them free then put them on the ground behind me. I know that it’s bad, I absolutely know that it's so terribly terribly bad. I just… I don't want to look.

I don’t want to see everything I’ve worked for in blistered and burnt pieces, laid out in front of me. Again.

But, I know I have to look.

I take a deep breath.

Let's start with something positive. I still have my rock, right?

I swivel my head around to make sure that no one’s around. I don’t see anyone. Good. I take off my right boot and look at the inside heel. The smooth green shit rock is still in there, snug like the little problem maker it is.

I’ll be sure to yell at Caboose when I get to the palace. I’m sure all of this is his fault somehow anyway.

I put the boot back on.

Okay, deep breaths. In, out. In, out. In, out. Psyching myself up to bite the bullet, I turn around to look at my things.

The bag that held all my energy crystals is a tattered mess full of holes leaking a powdery sand. Because a lot of the fire was magically produced by that shit-fire griffin, the crystals reacted by popping like fucking firecrackers.

The bag that contained all my books is, guess what, burned black. The books are so charred that they’re unreadable, aside from the one book about fire magic that just so happened to be fireproof. A lotta good that did me. I can’t wait to catch up on reading about something I CAN”T FUCKING DO!

Then, there’s the many bags that held my guns. My beautiful, beautiful guns.

I pick up what's left of the rifle that I almost shot the Griffin with less than four days ago. Back then, it wasn’t the prettiest thing, but it had a beauty all its own. I had spent a little over seven months on the sword-turned-rifle.The circuitry adorning the weapon was perfect, making it reliable when it didn’t malfunction. But now, it looked more like a mangled, half-melted stick. All the little markings that I painstakingly engraved have melted into a sloppy mess of indentations and cuts. The metal making up the blade is burnt, and the handle is… I actually don’t know where the handle is.

All my other weapons are in a similar condition. Broken, busted, burnt. Nothing was spared. Not even the little laser sword I worked on from time to time.

Then finally, there was the bag with the Griffin’s feathers. I expected them to be burnt like everything else, but no. They were frozen solid. Which, considering the fact that they had just been through literal hellfire, confused me to no end. I knew that they had magic in them, but then why didn’t they just burst into dust like the energy crystals? Unfortunately, the frozen feathers are about as useful as the powderized energy crystals, that being, they’re completely useless.

Picking one up, they shatter in my hand. They’re so brittle. Many of them actually cracked and fell apart when I retrieved the bag from the rubble.

My books are burned, my guns are nonfunctional, and the Griffin’s feathers are useless. So what do I have? Well, I have the animal pelts I’ve been passing off as clothes on my back and the single bag I took with me to my meeting with the princess.

The contents of that are as follows, one or two of the griffin's feathers, a few energy crystals, my map, my journal, and what is now my only gun. Actually, I didn’t have my plasma pistol at the moment. Alice didn’t have the peace of mind to give it back to me earlier… and now I’m genuinely too afraid to go and ask for it back.

Not because Alice is scary. No, I’m too afraid to ask for it back because Alice is currently stuck next to the murder-happy Princess.

And the Princess is very murder-angry right now.

If I didn’t conveniently remind the Princess that she could always get her rock back from Boreas at a later date then Rola would have murdered Esia right as she was giving it to Boreas. Luckily for Esia, the Princess seems to understand that Esia was the only one of us who actually seems to hold up to Boreas, and that killing her would make getting her rock back that much more difficult.

Unfortunately for Esia, murder isn’t the only punishment that little demon can come up with.

I can only hope those “Royal Healers” Daddy kept saying took bribes are as good with their magic as he said they were.

After a few days of walking, we finally made it to a town. We spent two weeks there while we waited for the castle to send us a carriage so we could get to the capitol. Conveniently, two weeks was exactly how long it took the local healer to heal all the injuries Esia received from her punishment. Thankfully, they sent two carriages so Esia and I didn’t have to spend the rest of the journey in close proximity to the Princess.

After another week and a half of carriage rides, I could finally see the capital of the Ostia and the seat of the Othium Empire, Ots out the carriage window.

The capital city was surrounded by a wall that seemed almost twenty stories high with huge ballistae lining the top. I had little trouble seeing them even though we were a good half an hour away from the wall, what kind of bolts were those things supposed to fire?

I’d seen Ots on the world map. Even if the map was out of date and perhaps no longer accurate, Ots was a huge city for this backwater-primitive planet, coming in at about five square miles.

But, thinking about it, how fucking big is this wall? If it went all the way around Ots, then it would be about twenty miles long, if we pretend the city is a perfect square. If the wall really is twenty stories tall, then that would be about 160 feet which translates to fifty meters. I have no clue how thick the wall is but for the sake of it, let's say that it's… seven meters thick, about the average thickness of the Former Great Wall of China.

So, five miles is about… 8000 meters? A mile is 1600 meters... yeah, 8000 meters. So fifty meters for the height and 8000 twice for the width and length would be… um, three billion? Fuck I need paper for this.

Opened my journal to a page with a little bit of space left and started scribbling while glancing back at the wall from time to time.

“Is this your first time seeing the wall?”

Esia started looking through her luggage as she asked that.

“Yeah it is.”

I wasn’t really looking for a conversation at the moment as I had a 3,237,485,137 m^3 hunk of wall that I needed to hollow out by cutting fourteen meters from the length then multiplying all that together. God I miss calculators.

“So it’s your first time in the capital as well? What do you know about it?”

“If you’d shut up and let me do math then I’d have an approximation of how much shit it took to build that wall.”

“So nothing? Damn, if you go in there now you’ll practically be throwing yourself to the wolves.”

Her words stop me in the middle of subtracting the inner cube of wall from the outer cube of wall and I give her a questioning glare.

“What do you mean by that? I know I’ll be serving the princess, but you say it like I have other things to worry about.”

Esia pulls out a small dagger from her bag, hands it to me, then pulls one of the decorative swords from the wall. Something I’ve learned about decorative swords in the Othium empire is that they aren’t just decorative.

“You know my plasma pistol can do more damage than this metal twig right? Actually, why do I even need a weapon in the first place? We’re in a carriage with the royal crest going to our own capital city!”

Esia chuckled while she watched the wall get closer. I could make out the gate now, and the huge line of people in front of it.

“Julie, I know you're young but use that head of yours. This is a city founded by Valkyries, Berserkers, shit beer, and battle. It’s first priority is fighting, running the empire comes second. That wall would be world famous if it wasn’t for the fact that the sheer number of fight-pits in the inner-city get more attention. Not to mention the fact that the outer-city doesn’t have any fight-pits, it is a fight-pit. Well, that and a breeding ground for thieves.”

Esia pointed towards the bottom of the wall and I could vaguely see circuitry carved deeply into the bottom few feet.

“I don’t know if you can see it yet, but at the base of the wall is a series of circuits that line the entire wall. They’re supposed to keep smugglers from getting in undocumented, but as far as I remember it hasn’t even been powered in over twenty years. It’s a running joke that the scumbag Terry the Unseen had more trouble entering the capital through the gates than he did sneaking through a crack in the wall.”

The way she spat out Daddy’s title with so much venom was a little unsettling. I squirmed a bit in my seat, trying my best not to think about how less illegal murder was in this world and how much it looked like Esia wanted to murder someone right now.

“So, um, that doesn’t really explain why I need a knife…”

Esia handed me a sheath for my knife while she pulled the sword’s sheath off the carriage wall and equipped it while sheathing her sword.

“Basically, common courtesy in Ots is that if you have a visibly sheathed weapon then you aren’t looking for a fight. If the weapon’s out then some drunk guy will jump you hoping for a good time.”

“I still don’t see the point, if I don’t even have a weapon then won’t people leave me alone?”

“If people were more sane then probably. But this is Ots. If you don’t have a visible weapon then people will assume that either your fists are your weapons or that you're confident in your magic and jump you anyways. By the way, we’re almost at the gate. Put that knife in its sheath if you don’t feel like fighting till you’re unconscious.”

I look out the window to see that we were being escorted through the gates, skipping the line due to our relation to royalty. I hurried to strap the sheathed dagger around my waist as Esia chuckled at my panic.

“So, how much shit did it take to build that wall?”

“About 11 million cubic meters of wall, any other important things I should know about before they end up killing me?”

“Usually I’d say no, but because we work for that little psychopath of a princess I should probably tell you about the rules of royal succession.”

As she said that, there was a knock at the carriage door. Esia opened it and a berserker acting as a guard asked us a few questions regarding our identities, and a lot of questions regarding Esia’s availability for the fight-pit later. After Esia broke the guards fingers, and once we were clear of the gate and inside the outer city, I asked a question that had been on my mind since the town.

“Actually, speaking of the princess, how are your kneecaps? I know you saw some healers for them, but could you really heal that?”

Esia wore pants so I couldn’t get a good look at them even though we’d spent over a week in the same carriage. Based on when I last saw them though, back on earth we’d just cut off your legs and give you robot legs.

“No, they really couldn’t. I'm sure the royal healers will be able to stitch them back together though. EIther way, stop talking about it. I’m trying to forget that I’m in pain and that's really difficult since I ran out of rum.”

“Oh, um… so you were gonna tell me about royal succession?”

As I brought up the topic, there was a loud crash ahead of our carriage. I looked out the window and saw four swords brutally dismember a man who attacked the princess’s carriage with an axe. I sat back down in my seat and tried not to throw up.

“If you puke your little guts out in the carriage you’re paying for it.”

I leaned out the window again because I don’t have that kind of money.

“Good choice. As that former moron demonstrated, royal titles aren’t necessarily blood related here in Ots. It’s a ‘King of the Hill’ sort of deal. At any time, the King, Queen, or any of the princes and princesses can be challenged to a fight to the death. Winner gets the title and all the perks that go with it.”

“Hold on, the princess was just attacked by a man. So, if he killed her, then he would be princess?”

“Yep.”

That’s actually stupid. With a system like that, the governing body of the entire Othium Empire could change literally every single day. Also, if the King is King even if it’s a woman and the Queen is Queen even if it’s a man, why even have gender specific terms in the first place!

“Another thing, if the King or Queen has a child, they aren’t automatically crowned prince or princess. The birth giver has to go out and kill one of the current princes or princesses, else we’d get way too many of those.”

“So how many princes and princesses do we have?”

“Two each.”

“The others aren’t like Rola, right? You know, like with all the spontaneous homicide and all that?”

Esia looked out the window at the passing buildings. They weren’t the nicest things, but this is the poor part of the capital. The constant fights clearly aren’t helping.

Look, the front of a house just caved in because a berserker threw a valkyrie he was fighting into it. Who’s gonna pay for that?

“I honestly have no idea. Only Rola and her brother are of royal blood, the other two fought their way in. Although I’ve heard a few rumors about one of the new one’s plotting to take the throne.”

“So, you mean to tell me, that not only do I have to worry about a murderous princess who will kill me for the slightest misdemeanor, but I also have to worry about a potential regicide plot?!”

“Suck it up. You're making more money then I am.”

“That’s another thing! If all anybody does in this outlandishly deranged city is fight then who’s actually running the city?! Or the empire!? Where is the money that I’m going to be paid coming from?!”

Esia sighed like she was tired of the conversation.

“Listen, the King does his job and he’s actually kind of good at it. The King and Queen manage the country and collect taxes and all that stuff no one wants to do. That’s why everyone tries to kill the princes and princesses, because they practically have no responsibilities. I know it sounds crazy, but that’s only because the founders of this city thought about the governance after the fighting. The system does work, even if only by mistake.”

I… guess that’s true. Esia makes a good point. If the system didn’t work then the Othium empire wouldn’t encompass half the continent. Even if all they care about is fighting, at least there's one person sane enough to run an empire in this mess of a city. I don’t even have to take part in the fighting as long as I keep this knife on me.

I should be fine. Totally fine.

I should make a bigger gun just to be safe though.

The Royal Castle was huge, gargantuan even.

I was standing around in the front courtyard just looking up at the massive structure, probably looking like a complete country bumpkin. The massive towers reaching high up in the sky was a sight I wasn’t used to, despite being from Earth, a world with much better infrastructure.

Back on Earth, tall towers and skyscrapers went a little out of fashion when World War 3 started. They were great cover for artillery fire at first, then they started falling down and killing the people hiding under them. The castle wasn’t just tall either, it sprawled out so far you’d think they were launching commercial airliners here. The fact that this whole place was surrounded by a wall of its own, complete with fortified towers periodically along the wall, just made me wonder, where did all this wall come from?

They had the 11 million cubic meters of wall earlier plus however much it took to build this wall, did they hollow out Mt. Everest or something? How much did this cost?

Truly this is an empire happy with the wealth it consolidated from its conquests.

I looked around, hoping that someone would tell me what to do. Esia had been taken to the Royal Healers for her kneecaps, and Rola was conversing with a maid who looked to have some kind of seniority. The maid was also purple and had a thin tail hanging behind her. I have no idea where Alice is. When we got off the carriage, everyone just kinda started doing things and forgot about me. It’s a little awkward.

So I just kinda stood around. Looking at things, trying to look like I’m not completely lost.

Suddenly, I hear an unfamiliar voice alarmingly close behind me and feel a hand on my shoulder.

“Hello you adorable little girl! Would you like some candy?”

“AHH! STRANGER DANGER!”

In total panic, I quickdraw my plasma pistol and pistol whip the creep behind me while jumping away. Daddy always told me to worry about people like this, and I’d seen enough educational videos about kidnapping in my last life to know what’s happening.

A pretty and smart little girl that was clearly new to the environment that no one was paying attention to, that's prime kidnapping material. Luckily for me, I’m packin’ heat.

I aimed my pistol at the scumbag and started charging a shot. It was another purple thing, I didn’t know the name of them yet. She had black hair like the one Rola was talking to, but she also had a small black spot on her left cheek.

Clearly not expecting the pistolwhip and being caught off-guard, she fell on the ground with a betrayed look on her face while looking curiously at the pistol in my hand. The curious look got a lot less curious real quick as she saw it start to spark with power, ready to fire.

“Julie! HEEL!”

When the Princess yelled that I threw my hands up in submission and shot harmlessly into the air, the bolt fizzled out a hundred feet high.

I did not want to be thrown out of a train again.

The Princess marched over with an angry expression, the purple maid following close behind her.

“What in Vulkria’s name is happening here?”

“This creep snuck up on me!”

I put the pistol back in it’s holster and waved at my attempted assaulter. The maid looked at the creep.

“Marzi, what happened?”

So this creep’s name is Marzi, actually now that I look at her, isn’t she wearing a maid uniform?

“Well Miss Igai, I had put the carriages in the coach house like you told me to, then I saw this child looking lost and confused, so I thought that maybe I should help her. But I had no idea how to approach her, so I thought I’d offer her candy, because everyone loves candy, then she hit me! And pointed that strange thing at me!”

This little liar is leaving out some very important information.

“She snuck up on me! And touched me! Then offered me candy! There’s no way her intentions were pure!”

The senior maid, Igai, pinched her nose and gave a heavy sigh in exasperation.

“Marzi you can’t just go and offer random children candy. It’ll get you in trouble.”

“I am not a random child!”

“But that’s how Terry the Unseen met his wife!”

What? Daddy what did you do?

“If it’s something that strange man did then you shouldn’t do it!”

“You’re not my mom!”

“All of you, QUIET!”

The Princess, clearly tired of our charade, gave an order and all of us complied.

“Igai, this is Julie, the new engineer I told you about in the letter I sent almost a month ago.”

The maid raised a brow and looked me up and down.

“You did mention she was young, but I didn’t think she would be this young. Is she really as good as you say?”

“Would you like a demonstration-”

“Julie heel.”

The Princess stopped me from drawing my pistol.

“Anyways, Julie, Marzi is new to the castle, having arrived here just two weeks ago. She’s been assigned to you as your attendant, mostly due to the fact that she’s a young Kaviar and thus has plenty of lives to burn. At least that’s the explanation I’ve been given.”

So they’re Kaviars, I have no idea what those are.

The creep Marzi expression warped in horror as she heard the Princess.

“Miss Igai you sold me to one of the Butcher’s subordinates!? How could you-”

“Excuse me what did you just call me?”

We all froze as we could taste how angry the Princess was. Our eye’s shot around at frantic speeds trying to think of an escape plan.

“U-uh-um, I’m a, I-I-I’m sorry your Majesty i-i-it was a slip of the…tongue.”

Marzi had completely shut down as she tried to stammer out some kind of apology as the Princess’s glare bore into her. It didn’t look like Her Majesty was satisfied with it if the floating knives were anything to go by.

“I had known that the servants were calling me that behind my back, but no one’s ever been so bold as to say it straight to my face. You must be quite confident in your strength, no?”

“I-I-I-I-I’m actually n-n-n-not r-r-really that strong-”

“So your just stupid then? I’m disappointed Igai, I thought you educated your maids. Perhaps I should give you a quick lesson…”

“Ah! Your name was Julie right? Has anyone shown you to your quarters yet?”

The Senior maid Igai looked at me with desperate eyes, begging that I would catch on.

“YES! Ah- yes, Miss Igai, was it? No one has shown me my room yet. Would you be kind enough to accompany me?”

Igai gave a relieved smile.

“Yes, please follow me.”

Miss Igai and I ran away as we left Marzi to die.