"You are waking up."

"Really? Wow, time goes so fast here."

"Maybe time never comes here at all."

"It is always so strange talking to you. I suppose I won't remember any of this when I wake up again?"

"You never have before. But I will, I always remember everything. So that is almost the same thing anyways."

"Well I don't consider that exactly fair."

"It is neither fair nor unfair, just like I am, and you are. It is."

Ah, I am awake. My mind is aware but my eyes are still closed. I believe I am currently under the effects of the dreaded five-more-minutes syndrome, so powerless before it. Hah. Powerless… if only. But such woes have neither time nor place here in my comfy kingdom. So let's stay here just a bit longer.

“That is why I will not get out of bed today." I concluded. Pulling my warm blanket snugly to my body I began to sneeze uncontrollably. A thick layer of dirty grey dust had settled all over my room with a few rotting leaves scattered here and there. Oh dear, the western wall fell down too. This isn’t good. Really lets in the light though...

I threw away my resolve to do nothing, snatched up my cell phone from the equally dirty bedside table, and found its battery to be very, very dead. Quickly wiping the dust from it and plugging it into its external solar battery bank, very useful, I waited for confirmation of what I sincerely hoped would not be true. As soon as the screen lit up I checked the date, it was 10 years into the future from the last time I had checked. I was covered in 10 year old dust, time for a shower. Hope it still works, the water tank should be slightly chlorinated so the water should still be usable.

“This is stupid”, I grumbled to myself while carefully climbing into the shower stall. It wasn’t too hard to figure out what had happened. Before I went to sleep I had spent a long month or so swimming to this secret cabin from the middle of the Atlantic ocean. Why was I in the middle of the Atlantic? I was dropped there in hopes that I would be trapped in its depths for eternity. Jerks, what’d I ever do to you? Anyways, I swam for a very long time and was really tired. So tired, in fact, that I thought to myself I could sleep for ten years. Huh, must have really meant it.

“Edit is being frustratingly creative about ruining my life”, I complained as I turned on the tap. Surprisingly, water came out of the nozzle and flowed around my head. I watched black water and cobwebs swirl down the drain. Oh, that dead spider just fell out of my ear. “Gyaaaaaaaaaaa!!”, unnerved by the sudden unsanitary arachnid, I scrubbed until my complexion was pinker than it had been in the last 10 years. Yay.

“Well, I guess there is only one thing to do now.” Looking for a towel, there was none to be found. Drip dry it is. Putting on my best moth-eaten clothes, not that bad considering the circumstances. I looked around for shoes but decided I didn’t really want to know what was living in them.. Besides, I didn’t actually need them. Before leaving I decided to take one last look at the cabin I had secretly built for myself in the mountains by the sea. Ten years of neglect had done no favors and time’s crippling touch, though familiar, saddened me. Solemnly, I packed my few belongings that were still usable and headed down the mountain to make my way to civilization.

The forest was very different from the last time I had walked it. The once slightly worn path was now overgrown with thorny vines. I hopefully squeezed my fist around a tendril. Nothing. After about ten miles of ragged clothes getting even more torn to shreds I came across a road that had not been there before. There, I was promptly picked up by a passing highway patrolman who thought I was a runaway. Crap. Seriously, what are the chances of that happening within the first five minutes of me seeing signs of civilization?

I hate being picked up by the police! They look down on me and try to take me to my “home”, good luck with that. Usually I can escape but my bad luck streak is continuing today, he handcuffed me and there is no reliable trick for handcuffs. Except, well, you can pick them, or break your thumbs, or steal the key. You know what I just don’t feel like it today. “{>_£|>%¥€”, I insulted the overly cautious police man in insultic, a language I invented which solely focuses on the art of expressing insults. It is one of my relatively new hobbies, I made it up on whim a mere 20 years ago. Oh, it’s around 30 years now huh? Not that anyone can understand it and thus appreciate my genius. The policeman was confused. Thank goodness because what I just said could have surely inspired even the likes of Ghandi with murderous thoughts. Ignoring my admittedly unintelligible babble, the officer silently offered me some chocolate. Falling silent, I took it.

Chocolate, God bless you good sir. I was hungry, and since I think a bear broke down my wall and made off with my food storage at the cabin, my last meal was ten years ago. I ate the chocolate with extreme efficiency. Ten years makes everyone, especially immortals, veeeery hungry. Really, only immortals can know this craving because ten years without food + water for most people usually = death. The car was silent except for a few phone calls the police man made. They sounded like the usual calls to report the apprehension of a suspected delinquent runaway.

We finally arrived at a convenience store and the policeman told me to behave while he was inside. I'll benevolently grant his wish, whoever says chocolate does not cultivate good behavior is wrong! They are hereby refuted!

The policeman came back with a box of doughnuts. I now love him, I would put on a pair of handcuffs for some doughnuts all eternity long. The policeman had the handlebar mustache I have always wanted to grow and he wears his uniform like a second skin. This man was a soldier, he had the air about him that said he had seen combat and survived. With the full power of the authority that his station lent him he handed me the box of doughnuts and told me to address him as “Officer Lawson.” Even his name is perfect. I don’t hate this kind of guy, my instincts tell me that he is the type that is exactly what he appears to be.

I accepted the box gratefully, reached my hand in and pulled out a long glistening maple bar. Shaking with anticipation, I took a bite. "MMMMMMMMMMMHHHHHHHHHHH!”, What? Bavarian cream filling? He spared no expense! This was enough to make an adolescent immortal cry. While I had my intimate moment with the doughnut box, Officer Lawson almost smiled at the sight of me eating slightly soggy, and salty, doughnuts. I have decided that nothing in the world was as important as savoring these doughnuts and stopped paying attention to everything else.

When I finally pulled my head out of the doughnut box, literally and figuratively, I found myself sitting in an office occupied by a smiling man waiting patiently for me to finish. Posters of smiling families lined the walls of his slightly cramped work space. He had blond hair and blue eyes. A rather unsettling combination for me, but that is all in the past. Hoping that he was indeed German, I said hello in what I thought would be his native language.

"Hallo wie geht's dir?" The smiling man maintained his expression but I noticed his eyes had glazed over a bit with a vacant expression. He definitely does not know German. English is so dang common these days that it’s not even any fun. Well, time to be magnanimous.

“Hello Mr. Social Worker, I won’t tell you my name or where I live, and I have a firm belief that you will be unable to find any such information. However, I currently have no access to monetary funds or stable shelter. Thus, I will allow you to do whatever you want with me. If I find that the accommodations you provide me are acceptable; I will owe you or your progeny a favor.”

“...”, My fun Americanized German social worker maintained his classy silence, then he spoiled it. “Um, it’s alright. I don’t think me or my progeny will be needing any favors from you, and this is my job…. Anyways, my name is Jake. So please, can you tell me your name and last address?" Jake smiled at me warmly. Hm, what name should I go by? You know what, I'll go with an old favorite.

“My name? I’ve been called a god, demon, trickster, conman, damned brat, and, one of my personal favorites, “you”. But you can call me Joshua. As for my last address, I like to think of the whole world as my home.” Because it is.

I wonder if Pact will find me if I go by Joshua? Since it has been ten years, maybe they actually still think I am stuck at the bottom of the ocean. I should be okay if I lay low, but laying low is no fun. . . How do I solve the old safety versus fun problem? Who am I kidding, I'm just going to do whatever I want. Oh, Jake the social worker is talking again, best listen.

“. . . alright Joshua, I understand, you have no home and no one to care for you. But it’s alright, I can bring you to a good home. It won’t be easy but I guarantee you can find happiness and a successful life.” My new social worker seemed to be the emotional type, judging from the passionate speech and a telltale gleaming in his eyes, not that it really matters to me. Let's hurry this along.

“Hey, you are an emotional kind of guy Jake, so you should understand. I am a good kid who just wants to get a nice dinner and a place to sleep. I am ready to start over. Besides, you have doubtlessly had a long day and are ready to return home. Lets just send me somewhere nice and you can spend the rest of your evening in peace.” I was using my ability, Edit, in its simplest form. Logic. I convince myself and thus convince the fabric of reality. I know anyone can use logic to convince people, but I have almost a hundred percent success rate. If it is a logical course of action, I can persuade anyone to do anything. Very convenient, but useless in situations where logic doesn’t apply, or when I think someone is unreasonable. Unfortunately, most people are unreasonable about things that really matter. Such an annoying ability I have.

“Okay Joshua, I know just where to send you.” I love logic.

"Thank you Mr. Jake the social worker.” So, let's see what my new home looks like.