It has been a while since the moment happened between me and Erik. We are at a standstill with each other, it's was not hate and it is was not love either. He doesn’t look at me with scared eyes anymore but I can’t understand the look in his eyes anymore when I catch him looking at me.

I don’t want to understand it, I don’t care about how he thinks about me anymore. That a lie, you care. Why do you care still? So pathetic, you make me feel sick. Fucking useless piece of shit…

I am also dealing with the angry voice more often. The other two often show up but for some reason, the angry voice keeps showing up more often. It is often hard to tell the difference between my thoughts and their voice. What if one day I am no longer able to tell the difference anymore… I don’t want to think about it.

Life in this house usually went from getting training from Drucilla or Everette. We would either be fighting against each other, learning how to use different weapons, learning how to identify plants and what they can do, and recently getting paired up to spend a few days in the forest.

Drucilla told us it would be helpful and give us a good experience if we ever one day have to survive outside for a while. I got paired up with Eli first then Colton and now I am finally getting paired up with Merrill. I was not looking forward to this but at least I didn’t have to deal with Erik or Isaias, yet.

I was waiting outside of the entrance of the forest for Merrill to appear so we could go inside of the forest together. I had a bag filled with enough clothes for a week in a forest and supplies that will be helpful if anything happens during our time in the forest.

“Aury! I am here~ I hope I didn’t make you wait too long.” Merrill skipped his way over to me and gave me a huge smile when he finally got in front of me. I just rolled my eyes and turned to go inside of the forest.

“I can’t wait to spend a week in the forest with you. It's going to be so fun with just us alone together. I wonder what situation we will get into…” I didn’t like the smile that was on Merrill's face and I felt the urge to just kick him in the butt but I knew he wouldn’t hate that.

“Don’t do anything suspicious or else I will….” I was trying to think of what I could do to Merrill if he ever did something I dislike. He didn’t hate being hurt so I couldn’t figure out what I could do to him.

“Just don’t do anything.” I gave up figuring out what to say to him and decided to ignore him as we walked into the forest to find a good place to set up our tent. As we were walking, Merrill kept talking about whatever. He usually talks about how beautiful I looked and how he was curious if there was a good place where we could look up at the stars.

“My mom really loves stars… She knows a lot about them and has a lot of books on them as well.” I notice for some reason Merrill's expression grew a bit strange once he spoke about his mother. It seems… really familiar to me.

“Ah! This is a perfect space for us! The trees over here can clearly show us the sky so that means we will be able to see the stars!” Merrill's expression went back to normal once he spotted a place for us to set up our tent.

I decided not to bring up his weird expression when he talked about his mother, it wasn’t my place to ask him that. I just follow behind him to the place he wanted to set up our tent and started to set up my tent.

I was used to putting up a tent now but I could see that he was struggling. After I finished with my tent and realized he was still having a hard time, I let out a sigh and went over to help him with his tent. I made sure his tent wouldn’t be able to fall on him while he was sleeping or it wouldn’t get blown away while he was sleeping.

“Wow, thank you for helping me out Aury! You are such a good person.” Merrill went to put an arm around my shoulder but stopped in place once he saw the cold look I shot at him. He let out a chuckle as he pulled back his arm to his side.

“We should probably check out the area near our resting area. We should separate so it will be quicker. We will come back to this area when the sun is setting to eat. I have some food that can be cooked over a fire.” I took out the food that I packed away in my bag and they were in another bag. I went to a tree that was nearby and climbed it with the bag of food in my hold still.

I got to the branch of the tree and tied the food to it and then climbed down it. I looked up at the food that was in the tree and was satisfied to see the food was somewhere far enough that an animal couldn’t get it but easy for me to get it down from the tree.

“You looked so cool climbing that tree and tying our food on the branch! I couldn’t do that since I have never climbed a tree before. You are so good at everything, Aury!” Merrill looked at me with bright eyes as he clapped his hands. I really didn’t see what I did as something special, it was just common sense and another could have done it.

“I am heading off to the right, you can head to the left. Don’t go too far if you are sure that you will get lost in the forest. And remember to come back to this area when the sun is about to set, okay?” I looked at Merrill seriously as I said this and after he gave me a nod of understanding, I went off to the right to see what was nearby.

I found a bush filled with berries that were okay to eat but rather sour. It could get sweet if it was boiled with water so I got a few of them. After I did that I walked a bit farther and found a stream of water. This looked like a good place that we could get water from to drink. I also noticed there was fish in the water as well and realized we could also use this as a food source.

The food I brought with me would only last for at most three days so we would have to search for our own food soon after. After I was done with this I noticed the sun was setting and went to go back to the area with our tents.

When I got back I noticed that Merrill was back already and he was starting a fire. Once he got it started he put his hand to the ground and rock surrounded the fire. It became like a fireplace and I realize this would make it a bit easier for us to start a fire later on.

“You are back! I started a fire, didn’t I do a good job?” Merrill gave me a smug smile as he looked at me but I couldn’t help but notice he was waiting for me to give him some sort of reply. Did he want me to praise him or something like that?

“You did a good job at making a fire. It also was smart to build around the fire, it will be easier to just keep this area for us to start the fire in.” I didn’t see the point of not telling him that he did a good job. He was helpful so he should know that.

“...Oh, I see.” Merrill's smug smile on his face disappeared and emotions I couldn’t read appear on his face. He was quiet now so I just went to get the food from the tree and went to cook it using the fire that was built.

I shared out the cooked food and ate quietly. Merrill seemed to be lost in thought and it didn’t really bother me too much. He went back to his usual self after he finished eating and I just assume he was acting like that because he was really hungry.

I didn’t say anything to him and he told me he was going to sleep first. I just nodded my head at that and went to mush up the berries that I had on me. The berries were actually rather useful with helping out medically speaking as well. If someone were to cut themselves pretty badly or twist or break a bone it would help out with the pain and healing. I put the mashed berries in a container that I placed in my bag.

As I headed to my tent so I could sleep I heard whimpering coming from Merrill's tent. At first, I thought it was just noises from the forest but it got louder. I went over to his tent to check if he was alright but I started to hear him speak, it sounded like he was sleep talking.

“...Mom… I am sorry… I will… be a good boy…” Merrill sounded like he was in pain but after a while, he stopped talking. I waited a few minutes before heading to my tent to sleep.

‘Hm, a complicated relationship with his mother. I see he isn’t just a weirdo who likes getting hurt…’ That was the last thought I had before I went to sleep. I didn’t have a good dream at all. I was being choked by another version of myself who was looking at me coldly. The only thing they said was I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I HATE YOU!

Even though she was saying that she was crying as well. I didn’t feel like fighting against her at all and just closed my eyes. I didn’t want to look at her crying… I didn’t want to find out the reason why she was crying.

I woke up with my throat hurting but I didn’t pay that much attention to it. I got out of my tent and I saw that Merrill was already up. He looked at me with a smile on his face but it quickly disappears and I realize he was looking at my neck.

“Your neck looked bruised, how did that happen?” Merrill rubs at his own neck as he tells me this and I reach a hand up to touch my neck. I tried not to flinch once I realized that my neck hurt to touch.

“..Must have slept weird or something like that.” I tried not to think about the fact I was choked in my dream and yet when I woke up my neck was bruised… This didn’t make sense at all. Was it not a dream…?

“Oh… Well, I am going to head off to wash myself off and see if I find anything else in the forest today” Merrill didn’t believe what I told him but he just headed over in the direction he went yesterday.

I went to my bag and took out the container filled with the berries I mushed yesterday. I rub some on my neck before putting the container back in my bag. I also touch out some new clothes and grab a bucket from my bag so I could use it to pour water on myself.

I went to the place where I saw the stream from yesterday and made sure to find a private place so I could clean myself off. I couldn’t help but shiver as I cleaned myself in the cold weather. After I was done and put on my new clothes I went to look at my neck in the stream.

I saw a pretty bad bruise covering my neck and I could make out some handprints. When I put my hand over them it matches them perfectly. I didn’t like the fact it seemed like I probably choked myself in my sleep.

“How do you know it was you? You ever thought that maybe… I could just take control of this body of yours and hurt you? I hate you so much ▇▇▇▇▇. One day I will kill you.” My reflection in the stream changed from its indifferent expression to an angry one. Also, there was a gaping hole in my chest as well. My reflection reaches out to grab me but I end up tripping and falling on my butt.

‘Damn it… Why does something keep happening? I have to deal with the fact the voices can take over my body now?’ I tried to calm down my heart as I tried to ignore what happened to me.

I sat on the ground for a bit longer before getting up and heading back to my area where the tents were. Merrill was there first like yesterday and he was starting the fire like yesterday. I went to get the food like yesterday and we ate together.

It was like this for a few days. We would check out the area near our tent and bring back anything we found that would be useful to us. I would still deal with the nightmare and the occasional bruise that would appear on my body due to the angry voice that would take over my body when I was sleeping and hurt me in different ways.

It had been four days since we were in the forest and it was only three more days until we had to exit the forest. I just came back to the area with our tents and I realized that Merrill wasn’t here which was strange, he usually came back before me. I didn’t pay that much attention to it and went to start a fire.

I only started to think something had happened when it was dark and Merrill was still not back. I went in the direction he usually went in and tried to find him. I used my magic to help me out with finding out where he could be, I couldn’t really use his shadow to find him since it was dark outside. I just use my magic to help me be able to see in the dark without any trouble.

After walking around for a while I finally found Merrill and he wasn’t looking okay at all. I quickly went over to him and he weakly looked at me. I sat next to him and I noticed he had a bite mark on his arm, it looked like it belonged to a snake.

“Okay, I need you to tell me this. The snake eyes, were they round or elliptical pupils?” I asked him this right away, I needed to know if it was a poisonous snake or not.

“T...The pupil… was round…” Merrill told me this and I realize he wasn’t bitten by a poisonous snake. I needed to know where the snake that bit him came from before I was able to determine what snake bit him.

“Did the snake that bit you come from the water?” I asked him this and he nodded his head. I knew what snake bit him right away, it was a watersnake. It wasn’t poisonous but if it was a cottonmouth snake then he wouldn’t be in a good place.

I needed to take him back to where our tents were so I carefully picked him up in a princess carry. I made sure not to touch the arm that was bitten and started to head back to where our resting area was. I got back to the area quickly and I placed him on the ground in front of the fire but not too close.

After I placed him down I went to look in the forest for some honey, I am pretty sure I saw it before. From what I read in a book honey was often used in the past to help draw out infection. When I found it I went back to where Merrill was and rubbed some honey near his snake bite. He flinched but didn’t try to push me away.

When I look at him more closely I notice that he would flinch in pain whenever he moved his left leg as well. I realize he must have been bitten when he was cleaning himself off. I realize I had to take off his pants…

“I need to take off your pants to rub honey on the other bite wound so don’t struggle,” I told him this and carefully went to take off his pants, making sure not to move his left leg too much. I could see he was bleeding and the bite wound was swelling as well.

I carefully clean the blood from the wound and rub honey on it. After I was done I got some bandages from my bag and wrapped them around his arm and leg, I made sure to make it tight and go as high as I could. Then I added a split on his leg and made a sling for his arm.

“This should be good but we may have to leave the forest a bit early since you were bitten by a snake after all. It wasn’t poisonous but it still needed to be checked out by someone other than me. We will leave in the morning.” I told Merrill this as I went to put his pants back on, I knew I would have to cut the left side of the pant so it wouldn’t feel uncomfortable for him.

As I was doing this I noticed some scars on his legs. They were pretty bad-looking scars, I didn’t notice them at first since I was busy taking care of his snake bite but I am surprised I didn’t see it right away since it was rather hard to miss.

It looked like someone dug something deep into his leg over and over again. Some were in areas he could reach himself but others were in places only someone else could do to him. He must have noticed I was looking because he tried to cover his scars but stop when he felt pain shot through his leg.

“I know these scars look bad but it happened to me for a good reason… I wasn’t a good boy so my mom taught me a lesson. She did it to me because she cared about me. That is the way she shows her love for me.” Merrill smiled at me but it looked like it was forced. He looked like he wanted to cover the scars on his leg from me to see it but he couldn’t move without hurting himself.

I didn’t say anything and went to continue to put his pants back on. After I did that I cut the left side of his pants so it wouldn’t be uncomfortable for it. I sat next to Merrill when I was done with putting his pants on him. It was quiet for a while before Merrill spoke up again.

“You must be thinking my mom is cruel or something like that? She isn’t… She just shows her love differently than other people. I don’t hate her for what she does to me. The only time my mom touches me or looks at me is when she hurts me… It's like she is finally looking at me instead of looking at my father.” Merrill sounds like he wanted to cry as he told me this and I still didn’t say anything to him.

“...That doesn't seem like love to me.” I finally spoke up after a long time of silence between us. Merrill looked at me with an expression he never had before, he was angry at me.

“What do you know about parent love?! Your father hates you so don’t fucking tell me whether or not what my mom does to me is love or not! You don’t know anything about love!” Merrill looked away from me as he said this and I saw that his shoulders were shaking.

“Yeah… I don’t know love at all. It is confusing and painful in my eyes. Because of the love, my old man had for my mom he hates me so much for causing her death. I don’t know what type of love a parent should give to their child but I know that what your mom does to you isn’t love. You must know that as well, I doubt you are that stupid.” I fell backward onto the ground and looked up at the sky, there were a bunch of stars tonight.

“I wonder if the main reason you act so weird with me is because of the way I treated you… I am sorry for being so cruel to you. I am sorry for hitting. I am sorry for making you think what I did to you was a way of showing love. Someone like me can't show anyone love.” I can't show love to anyone. I doubt I could ever fall in love, I didn’t fall in love in my past life. Liar, how dare you forget about him. I hate you for forgetting about the only person who gave a shit about us.

“...What do you think love is, Aurelia?” I could feel Merrill lay on the ground next to me as he asked me this question. I didn’t understand what he asked me at first because the angry voice in my head was talking at the moment but I thought for a moment once I realized what he said.

“Who knows. It only seems to cause pain to people. I don’t understand why anyone would do that to themselves. Love is confusing and people who fall in love are strange. Yet… I do wish I could understand the feeling of falling in love as well…” I do wonder what it would be like to fall in love. You did fall in love, he was the only person for you and yet you pushed him away. I wonder how I would react. You run away from him once you realize you love him, you always run away from things you don’t want to deal with, coward.

“...I wonder if I could try falling in love with you… Maybe I will finally understand… what love is... A love that isn’t filled with… pain…” Merrill's words got more difficult to understand before I heard him start to breathe softly. I pretend to not hear what he just told me, he just said that because he was tired. Excuses, liar, coward. I hate you.

I slowly closed my eyes as I lay next to Merrill who was breathing softly next to me. I fell asleep listening to the angry voice in my head insulting me and telling me how much she hated me.

I was sitting in the corner of the school that was hidden away from everyone. I didn’t want to deal with anyone currently so I decided to skip class today. I was having a smoke as I waited for the school bell to ring, telling me it was the end of school.

“There you are! Why did you skip class again, ▇▇▇▇▇? I know you get good grades but you should still go to your class every day.” He showed up to bother me again as I was having my smoke. I only gave him a look before going back to smoking.

“You could at least say something to me, ▇▇▇▇▇! I skip class to look for you, my parents will be so mad at me for doing this again.” He sat next to me and he couldn’t help but cough as he waved away the smoke from my cigarette.

“You don’t have to skip class, dumbass. What I do is none of your business so quit doing this already.” I tried not to let him know how fast my heart was beating as I realized how close he was sitting next to me.

“...Hey, you do know why I always seek you out. Why do you pretend not to know ▇▇▇▇▇?” Before I could understand what was happening I was pushed to the ground and I was looking up at him. He had a pout on his face and I couldn’t help but think how cute he looked.

“...Get off of me before I kick you in the dick,” I spoke harshly to him but I could never hit him. I never want to lay a hand on him at all if I had a choice in the matter.

“Then do it, I won’t stop you.” He told me this as he took my cigarette from my hand and put it out for me. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him and my heart felt like it was going to jump out of my chest.

“...I really do love you, you know that? No matter what everyone says about you, I can’t stop this feeling.” His face was getting closer to mine and I could feel my hands start to shake. I could just push him off, it wouldn’t be that hard at all.

But I didn’t do that and I only closed my eyes… I felt his lips touch mine and I couldn’t help but let out a pleased sigh. I put one of my hands on his neck and pulled him closer to me. I could feel one of his hands touch my right ear and I couldn’t help but shiver at the tingling feeling that appeared because of his touch.

“...I love you so much, Alina. I never felt this way about anyone else in my whole life. I love you and only you.” I couldn’t help but shiver as he told me this between our kisses. He loves me…

“Alina… Alina… Alina…” Oh… I love how my name sounds when it comes from him. It always sounds so pleasant and filled with love. I love it when he says my name… Please keep saying my name like that.

I woke up with a start and I realized I was sweating. My face felt hot and I could feel my heart beating so fast. I touched my lips with a shaky hand but I knew it was just a dream. Disgusting… The way you remember your name is in such an embarrassing way. You ran away from him yet you want to hear him call out your name so badly, Alina. How pathetic.

I tried not to remember how it felt to get kissed in that dream of mine. For some reason no matter how hard I tried to remember, I didn’t know who was kissing me in that dream. It was someone I knew yet I couldn’t remember them at all.

My heart felt so warm and so painful at the same time. It was a confusing feeling. Why… Why do I want to kiss that person in my dream so badly? Why does it feel like we kissed before many times? Why do I miss them so much?

I couldn’t go back to sleep so I only pulled my knees up close to myself and waited for the sun to come up. I didn’t want to sleep again and dream about getting kissed like that again. I don’t want to hear them call my name like that again… It hurts too much…