PHASE 71 - RIKKUN’S FUNERAL

This is a brand new normal day for us.

It’s been thirty minutes after the classes ended. The afternoon sunlight is about to make orange out of the surroundings. Rikkun and I were on classroom duty, and we just finished sweeping the floors, wiping the windows, and taking out the trash can.

When we were about to leave, Rikkun held my hand. The warmth of his fingers together with the gentle smile and passionate stare made me fall in love with my boyfriend for the billionth time.

“Eh?” I cocked my head.

“You don’t have anything to do after this, right?” Rikkun awkwardly laughed.

I just shook my head slowly. Is he going to ask for… master-and-slave playhouse again!?

“That’s good! I will introduce you to the boys.” Rikkun said.

“The boys?” Rikkun’s words made me a little more confused.

“Yes. I have introduced you to my parents, so the next step would be to introduce you to my friends. My nerd weeb circle of friends. This might be the perfect time since all of them are already back… except for Heushac of course.”

That’s right. Rikkun has never introduced me to Chrisprel, Ranley, and Daughty as a girlfriend, but due to Necchan’s memories implanted in me, they already knew Rikkun’s crush back in Book One. I don’t know if the same applies in this timeline though.

“O-Okay.” I nodded.

<>

It’s already five in the afternoon, and the sun is about to set. Rikkun led me to the uphill part of the school grounds which are full of grass. There are also tall trees in this field that makes it look like a mini-forest on top of the hill. There, Rikkun’s friends are forming a circle and they are already discussing. They are quite loud so we both can hear their words.

Chrisprel, Ranley, Daughty, and the new timeline best friend John are wearing black tuxedos. They are also wearing shades and they have bouquets of flowers on their hands. They are all looking down on the ground which has the tombstone and a picture.

The tombstone has the name “Alaric Eisenhower” in it, and the picture contains the face of the arrogant king. I can’t believe Rikkun is late at his own funeral!

“The f*ck is this!?” Rikkun muttered.

All of a sudden, John laid down a bouquet of flowers in Rikkun’s grave and started his speech.

“Thank you all for coming to help us celebrate Ric’s life and share our grief in his passing. I know that you’re all been friends with the arrogant king until his tragic death a few weeks ago. When I found out, I was shocked to see his passing. There’s so much life in him, so much profanity, so much toxicity, and so much hate. That’s why we love him. But now, he’s no more.”

At this moment, John is already sobbing as he spoke.

“This is so stupid,” Rikkun said as he slowly walked towards the boys. I just stood there hidden by the trees and watched what was going on.

“I should have noticed the signs. He stopped having lunch with us. He stopped buying my anime merchandise. He stopped sharing h-nuke codes and premium xxx subscriptions. He stopped playing Warzone. He stopped coming in the public jerk-off dungeon.” Ranley said, crying. “I know something is wrong with him. Then it happened… he died.”

“Ha.Ha.Ha. Very funny guys.” Rikkun cringed.

“Shhhhhhhh!” John angrily shushed him. “Don’t you have an ounce of f*cking respect?”

“I can still remember the last thing he said to me.” It was Chrisprel’s turn to share his grief. “He said that all girls are trash. 3D girls are trash, and 2D waifus are the best. But now… but now… Huhuhu…”

Chrisprel fell into Ranley’s bulky shoulder and then hugged him for comfort. Daughty and John also came to pat his back, all sharing the sorrow of their friend.

“The last time Ric told me is that he’s going to break all girl’s kokoro. He said that all women are THOTs and every breath they make is full of AIDS. He said that he will uphold his badge and honor as the right hand in the Friendzone Club, but three days ago, I just learned that he quit. He quit the club, that bakayaro!” Daughty cried.

“WHY DID YOU QUIT, RIC!!! WHY DID YOU QUIT!!!” John hollered out loud in front of Rikkun’s portrait and grave. He’s also in all fours that made his tux and slacks covered with dead leaves.

Meanwhile, Rikkun is just there, disappointingly shaking his head.

Chrisprel, Ranley, and Daughty started to throw their bouquets on Rikkun’s grave. Then they comforted the weeping John and helped him back on his feet.

“He’s gone now. Ric is gone.” John cried.

“Enough of this shit, motherf*ckers!” Rikkun pushed John and the others away from his grave. Then he stomped on the flowers on top of the tombstone, shattering both into pieces. “I’m still alive, you morons!”

“Yeah, but…” Chrisprel dared to answer. “The Ric we know is dead. The Weeb Ric.”

“Just because I now have a girlfriend doesn’t mean I’m no longer a weeb like you guys!” Rikkun cried. “Just because I no longer share my h-collection, just because I’m not the right hand of the Friendzone Club, doesn’t mean that I’ve quit the club!”

“You barely have time for us, man.” Ranley reasoned out. “You always go with your girlfriend and that squeaky blonde Jeannette to have a threesome in some whatever-place! You’re no longer a virgin like us!”

“I’m still a virgin!” Rikkun admitted out loud. “I don’t do a threesome with Tiara and Jeanne! We always go out together because of work!”

“We can’t even approach you anymore because you’re surrounded by girls!” John protested. “You know that weebs like us are allergic to girls! I can’t even talk to a girl without throwing up!”

“You’re the only one with that problem. The others are fine talking to girls.” Rikkun made a side comment. “Anyway, as I said, we had work to do. I know that I’m such a ghost lately, but that doesn’t mean that I’m dead.”

Rikkun inhaled and exhaled in a troubled manner. Such action made his nerves calm down a bit. Finally, he can make words of encouragement to his friends.

“Listen, guys. You are the best circle of friends I had in my life. Tiara is just my girlfriend, and Jeanne is just my childhood friend. You guys are my best of best friends. You know how much you guys mean to me! You are my whole world! You guys are keeping me alive!”

"Hontouni?” Daughty wiped his tears. “Bros before Hoes?”

“Really! Bros before Hoes!” Rikkun said. “Except Tiara of course.”

“You still prefer 2D over 3D?” Chrisprel asked.

“All 3D girls are trash,” Rikkun said. “Except Tiara of course.”

“You still hate women?” Ranley asked.

“Yeah, if she breathes, she’s a THOT!” Rikkun laughed. “Except Tiara of course.”

“Why are you always making an exception to your girlfriend?” John’s skepticism burst out.

“It’s because I want you to meet my girlfriend. I assure you, even though she’s a girl, she’s one of us. She even beat me up in Tekken and Rainbow Six most of the time. She often uses Jojo references and she’s even brave enough to watch Boku no Pico all up to the final episode. She’s a real dream waifu material that’s why I fell in love with her.” Rikkun said.

Rikkun looked at my direction and nodded, signaling that I should come out of hiding and finally confront Rikkun’s friends.

“H-Hi…” I nervously smiled. I’m quite shy after all. But I have to summon my courage so that his friends will acknowledge me! “I-I’m sorry if Rikkun is not hanging out with you for the past days, but I assure you, he will never miss out boy’s nights from now on! I will not steal my precious boyfriend’s time with you guys, so please take care of my boyfriend!”

The four best friends of my boyfriend stood there, stunned. They seem to be eliminated by an angel’s light of some sort. Their eyes are wide and their faces are red. Did my words really reach out to their hearts?

“Ric is right. She is a keeper.” Chrisprel said. Then he bowed.

“Marry her. You must marry a girl like her, Ric!” Ranley said. Then he bowed.

“Subarashi! Kami-sama!” Daughty cried while groveling.

“Tiara Hikari… I acknowledge you as Alaric Eisenhower’s girlfriend.” John said as he bowed down.

“A-Ah...ahahaha…” I made a disgusting forced laugh. “I-I just wanted to befriend you guys.”

“Befriend?” John suddenly stood up.

“Yes, befriend.” I took John’s hand and shook it in a friendly manner. “John-Caster-dyne is my friend~ Oh I’m grateful that I’ve met him~”

As soon as the Friendship Handshake Song finished, it left John in a supreme dumbstruck. This is the first time I have made friends with this person even in the other timelines, and I can’t help but feel similar energy from Guinevere Arcaliburn’s aura.

After being a statue for ten seconds, John finally moved to the left. He held his stomach and started to throw up like there’s no tomorrow.

“Blaaaaaaaaaaaargh! She’s… She’s too kawaii…” John cried before passing out.

“M-Mister John!” I cried as I went to his side and secretly used on his stomach. I thought he ate something bad, but everything is fine on his internal organs. What’s wrong with him?

“See? Only you have a problem like that.” Rikkun said.

Chrisprel, Ranley, and Daughty nodded in affirmation.