Whatever happened to Tay calling me Jawbreaker? I actually liked that nickname. Made me seem more dangerous than I really am.

I guess it was because of what I was wearing… I kind of did look like a Jawbreaker back then, when we first met…

I looked down.

My new clothes—or old hand-me-downs, depending on your perspective—were basically all dark colors. A lot of crimson reds and blacks, or slightly loose fitting dark blue jeans and dozens of blouses in all sorts of dark shades.

You could tell Jade used to be on the straight and narrow.

They didn't fit like a glove, but if I kept growing they would eventually.

And wearing this, I'm no longer a Jawbreaker, huh?

Speaking of clothes, I was wearing underwear for once… Jade had been encouraging me to wear the right clothes on the right occasions lately.

I mean, she bought me pajamas for bed, good clothes for the weekend, even clothes to wear around the house, she taught me how to put on femine products and when… and finally, her last dying wish from the start was for me to wear underwear.

...I'm not sure how to feel about them. I haven't worn them in maybe two or three years now.

My old pairs would rub me all the wrong ways, either bunching up or rubbing and chaffing. Ugh. They were always uncomfortable. And they made me feel like I was overheating.

These aren't bad, I was afraid they looked too thick but they aren't, and they make me feel… more like a girl. Like, yeah… a woman would totally wear this. Gives me a confidence boost, so there's that.

So all in all, I'd say they're alright.

Can't wait to see what Jaz, my girlfriend, says about them.

How was that going? Great!

I wish I could make things 'move along' faster. But no, I'm being a well behaved young woman!

I can hold my head high! Not that I really want to, if it was my choice I'd never stop kissing Jaz.

I was heading to the dojo, by the way, riding on my electric longboard.

I shouldn't narrate so much while riding, I know.

Why was I on the way to the dojo?

Because ideal hands are… the devils… something. Tayler said it once, but as you can see it didn't stick fully.

I was going because I had a lot of free time that I would normally be spending right now with my hands down my pants—or worse, I might be bugging and begging Jaz to do stuff.

So I was gonna practice kendo, just like Tay and Jade told me to do when this happens. Maybe afterward I'd call Jaz and see what she was up to?

How was my fight against touching myself going? ...I definitely cut down in this past month, but it's still bad.

Some days I can go a whole day without, but the next day my mind is so far in the gutter that I can't focus on anything.

I told my therapist about it, keeping it brief, but I don't think she understands quite yet.

Kendo helped, and that's what matters.

And I was here! The traditional Japanese dojo in the middle of a residential area, looking entirely lost.

Come to think of it, there were a few buildings like that in this town, ones that didn't 'belong' where they were.

I was finally getting used to all the customs and new vocabulary around here, entirely foreign to me a month ago.

"Hey Greg!" I said as I took off my shoes at the entrance and laid my longboard on the wall next to the sliding door.

"You truly never run out of energy, I thought for certain after yesterday you'd take a day off. Are you sure you want to practice today?"

"Just until I'm tired, yeah."

"Do extra warm up stretches, you don't want to strain yourself from over exercise and… just take it easy today. Look at me, I'm worrying about you already!"

I giggled, saying, "no need to worry, I will."

I went into the women's changing room. Around this time there's usually no one else, but not this time. Jenny, a fiery redhead, was here today.

"Hi, Jenny," I called out to her with a smile and started striping in front of my locker.

"Woah, you're wearing underwear today! They're even pretty sexy, too," she said in a tease.

She was one of the people that said something about me not wearing underwear, I was hoping she wouldn't notice I am now… I'm glad she couldn't see my face, turned around from her as I was.

Boys seeing me buck naked? Couldn't care less.

Girls seeing me in underwear? Embarrassment!

You're probably wondering why they're looking at me in the first place, right? That's what I thought, too, but then I remembered my body is covered in various scars and bandages.

Earlier I said I couldn't wait for Jaz to see my new undies, but to be honest she hasn't seen my body at all yet, I won't let her…

I just don't know how to explain it to her.

I put on my robe, that's what it basically was, the Japanese name was hakama. I preferred it over a martial arts gi, it felt more free flowing when you were actually fighting.

Also, it was considerably cooler, so that I didn't overheat.

"Do you want to warm up with me?" Jenny asked, standing behind me in her gi with a hand on her hip.

"Yeah, that'd be great! Do you want to spar afterwards?"

"That's what I was hoping for," she replied.

We headed out to the main room of the dojo, it was basically like a fancier version of a school gym.

Jenny was a Junior in highschool, she was like a cousin to me, a part of this martial arts family I unknowingly joined when I signed up for learning kendo here.

She'd been doing this for years, and while I'd only been doing this a month I could beat her 2-1.

I was good, make no mistake. It was that natural feel and talent for the shinia, it was carrying me right now.

I was trying to hone that talent into a skill, something I own and wasn't just god given, innate talent.

I remember lying and saying 'I want to see how far I can push myself' to Greg back when he asked me why I wanted to practice martial arts, but now that'd actually become true.

I really do want to see how good I can get, that's the main reason I'm pushing so hard.

It wouldn't be an exaggeration to say I'd found my calling here in this dojo.

One of them, at least.

We were doing individual stretches when Greg came up to me.

"Were you expecting a visitor, Sophie?"

"...No. No, I wasn't at all. Who is it?"

"Strange fellow… dressed kind of like a jester," Greg starched his head. "He told me to give you this."

Greg handed me an envelope.

I quickly grabbed it, somewhat in a panic… There was only one man I'd ever met who dressed like a jester.

It was a standard white envelope for a letter… The outside said simply:

'THE HANGING MAN'

A wave of panic hit me, and I tore the envelope open, suddenly breathing heavily.

Hyperventilating.

There was a single page folded up inside, it read like this:

'HELLO DEATH, I HOPE THIS LETTER FINDS YOU. IT IS GOOD TO KNOW YOU ARE ALREADY TRAINING, YOU WILL BE NEEDING IT. I WISH I COULD LEAVE YOU ALIVE, I DO, BUT I SEEK THE POWER YOUR DISMEMBERMENT AND BURIAL WILL HAVE ON ME. HOWEVER, I STILL HAVE A MAN'S HONOR, SO I’LL GIVE YOU SIX MONTHS TIME FROM THIS DAY TO PREPARE. NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE ON THAT DAY, I WILL FIND YOU. DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME TRYING TO HIDE. —THE HANGING MAN.'

The tears didn't even have time to well up, they flowed right out. I fell to the floor, supporting myself on my hands and knees as tear drops arced from my eyes to the floor in a downpour.

Greg was saying something with his hand on my back, but I couldn't understand.

I couldn't comprehend anything, yet my mind was going so fast.

Suddenly so desperate.

"Call Tayler," I said through sobs. "Or Jade!"

I was picked up, but I couldn't see where through the tears, then laid down on a couch with Jenny there standing above me, my phone in her hand.

I took a deep, deep breath, struggling to let it back out smoothly.

I realized I'd been mumbling the same thing over and over.

I'd been calling for Tayler.

I turned on my side, hiding my face in the back of the couch and covering my ears.

- - - -

I felt someone sit down on the couch next to where the small of my back was. They put a sturdy, reassuring hand on my upper arm.

The tears never stopped, never slowed, it was as if I had lost all control over my own body.

I lost track of time, as I got lost in my thoughts.

My thoughts seemed to say, 'see, you never had a chance to be happy, you're going to be ripped limb from limb and that's what you deserve for thinking you could be happy when you're not even human anymore.'

No, the tears never stopped or slowed, they just increased.

It felt like I was sinking in them for an eternity.

- - - -

I was ripped from the couch and embraced. I kept my eyes closed, but I could smell that it was Jade.

I clung to her for dear life, but I couldn't feel her warmth. I couldn't feel anything anymore.

"Jade… I love you—Jade!" I cried over her shoulder.

She pulled me up to sit then brought my face to her chest. I could feel her hand on my head now, and the vibration of her talking with someone, but I couldn't hear it.

I opened my eyes after some time and wiped away the tears. Slowly, feeling came back to me.

She was rubbing my back and gripping my head to her breasts. She felt soft and comforting, in a sort of motherly way…

Am I going to die?

"No, Sophia, Tayler and I will protect you," I heard clearly.

I didn't realize I had said it outloud.

"It's okay, Sophie, you're okay," the sound was too clear.

I thought maybe I could feel the same things Jade was feeling, I thought I could feel her protection and love and every emotion going through her…

I backed away, looking at her in disbelief.

She held my hand and she said in her normal soft voice, "do you think you can walk to the car now?"

I just nodded my head.