IX

Vow

Blood not red, it cries,

Fire cold, it heals,

The night-wind stills,

but the morning yet sings.

Excerpt from 'The Dawn of Unrest - A study of the Red Maiden.'

***

I could've slept the whole day if it wasn't for the uproar in the streets. It was already past noon when I staggered onto my feet, noticing how the mass of people hurried mindlessly into one direction. A bloodied youth was crawling on the ground beneath them, trying to escape the stampeding horde. I went to help him up.

"My thanks, brother," he dusted himself off. He should've worried more about the blood dripping from his head. "Trampling me to death, but they call him cruel. Straws for brain, I tell you, but feet like darned iron!"

"What's going on?" I looked past him. The crowd was endless.

"You didn't hear?" He studied me sceptically. "It's been all over the city before sunrise. There's a funeral in the city centre for the duke's wife or whatnot."

"...What?"

The youth continued talking, but his words faded into the distance. A chasm grew between us that no sound was able to bridge. His words didn't make any sense.

"...didn't even know he had a wife, thought that was-" I shoved him away, running past him to follow the crowd. "H-Hey, what was that for?"

Everyone pushed against each other without care. I squeezed myself through the bodies, throwing aside more than a few as I forced my way to the plaza.

"They said, it was suicide," the people talked among themselves. "A friend of mine is a guard in the manor. He said, he saw her taking poison to make it painless."

"She took it herself? No, I heard, it was a plot by the crown. So it was said at the Guild. They fear their old rivals."

"Hush, don't talk like that. What if anyone heard you spouting such foolish nonsense? It was Emperor Wang Jen's mercy that left the old crown with some dignity, why would he plot against them now?"

"And to target a young girl..." Another talked over them, "it's ludicrous, just think about it. Ay, there's no point in arguing. Anyone truly in the know says it was her own poison."

"I disagree," I felt a twinge to shut them all up, but my eyes remained fixated on the sight before me. "What about illness? Wasn't it medicine she took?"

"I heard she made a mistake in concocting her own potion. It happens all the time with amateurs who think all they need to do is to follow some recipe."

The crowd circled around the wooden platform erected in the middle of the vast plaza. An invisible line kept them from encroaching any further. They waited, passing their time with brewing rumours. It all felt incredibly far away. It was empty. White. Like my mind unable to make sense of what I saw. The language of my land became foreign to me.

"The poor girl," someone else cried, lamenting, "stolen from her home, that's what my uncle told me. He forced her to marry him. A maiden so unwilling, she'd readily take her own life to escape his grasps. Disgracing an innocent girl by force, if he's not a beast then what is?"

"Shut your trap," another hissed, "do you want to lose your head?"

"But didn't you hear about the boy? The young one that died fighting the guard captain? Was it her brother? Her lover? A tragedy, the both of them."

"Off with it! Else if someone asks, I'm not your brother anymore!"

"...What is this?" I muttered among them. The shapes made no sense to me.

"Look at her," the people continued. "We hide and scurry like cowards, afraid of unseen eyes while this happens before us! Curse the duke and his blood!"

"Shut-!"

"Yes, I said it!" The defiant roar drew everyone's attention. "Curse the crown, olden and new alike! Cursed be the nobles of Shuanhuang! Treating us like lesser, as toys for their amusement! We're trash to be discarded for the sake of their advancements! I'm sure her case was no different! The duke himself killed her!"

"You dare utter such words against our benefactors! Let the heavens smite you down where you stand!"

"But isn't it true?" A woman wailed, steadying her trembling voice. "How many of our daughters and sons until it stops? My son, he left for the north... A year ago they promised he'd come back. Last month, they sent me h-his..." She broke down crying.

"M-My father lost an eye because he refused to look the other way!" The hesitant joined, finding courage in the sea of heads. "Yet the heavens are still blinder than him! They have already forgotten the meaning of justice!"

"Complaining is all you can do!" The furious bellows sounded like distant echoes. "You cry for your sons, but who is it that keeps you safe at night? The old crown gives us the Zhanhai we know! They've protected us for generations, and now you proclaim them monsters? You ingrates!"

"That's true!"

"The duke's treated us right, no doubt!"

"Zhanhai thrives as prosperous as ever before!"

"You say that because it wasn't your child that's been taken! You defend him even after this?" Fingers were pointing at her. I wanted to break them.

"It was her blessing, but the silly girl was blind and couldn't see it. If your wild delusions about her demise are to be taken seriously, that is."

I felt a hand on my shoulder. "You're still here." It was Huo Lan. "I told you to leave."

"...Why? How?" I looked at her. She seemed as if asleep. As the crowd grew heated, voicing their allegiances and petty opinions, her island of wood seemed to me as if it was the last remaining peaceful place in the world. Maybe, so it was.

"I warned you, lad," Huo Lan's face was regretful. "And all of this?" He nodded towards the flowerbed. The open coffin sparkled in the sun like jewels on a crown. Inside, Mei wore a red dress, sleeping in the night that knew no morning. She seemed so whole, so innocent. It was surreal. I couldn't recognize the fact presented right in front of my eyes. I was certain that she'd awake, if I just called out to her. She'd laugh, declaring the greatness of her prank for which the entire city fell.

"Face," he said. "The duke was furious hearing of her death. If he got his way, he would have disgraced her remains to quell a fraction of his anger, but he has to do this instead."

"He has to?" My voice held no strength, and my inquiry had no meaning.

"Politics," Huo Lan shook his head. "Whatever the reason, she was his bride-to-be. It wasn't a big secret. If the people think of this incident as a village girl of common birth taking her life to refuse his hand in marriage, heedless of whatever the truth may be... It's not a good look; that's speaking lightly of it. The common folk have their own peculiar ideas about royalty, yet even them would think it strange if the duke were to take something like that lying down. So, we'll do this instead. We have to give them an explanation. A reason. An excuse. That's what it means to be the face of nobility; a ruler. I don't expect you to accept all of this, lad, neither do I think all of the duke's actions are right, but..."

He sighed, tightening his hand on my shoulder. "She was dear to you, I know. A man may cry, don't think yourself less for it. Duty calls me, so we must part. I fare you well. Don't do anything rash now, you hear?"

Huo Lan walked away, but the tears he spoke of didn't leave me. He reached the top of the platform where he stood next to Mei.

"Silence!" His voice boomed over the crowd, strengthened by his Qi. They fell quiet at once, turning their heads. "I stand before you as Huo Lan, guard captain of Zhanhai, and I will no longer listen to this blasphemy against my lord and his ancestors!"

His words created order. They turned the world into a still painting. A crowd, their necks craned. A cultivator knight, performing his righteous and loyal duty. The sleeping maiden. It was all there. Like in the picture books of history.

"This young woman you see before you, the fair maiden, Shieyin Mei, was my lord's betrothed. Born of farmers from the rural land, my lord recognized her for what she was. A woman, worthy to be honoured with the blessing of his name. She was to be Luo Mei, your duchess.

"My lord, your duke, Luo Zheng, knew of many women in his life. Queens and princesses from distant lands. Daughters and sisters from our martial sects, the guardians of our home. Yet, when he saw her, he didn't see her standing, but the love of his life. Not that which divides us in birth, but that, which unites us in life."

His voice took a stark turn, quelling over with grief.

"And yet, the jealous heavens have robbed them of their great fortunes. Last night, the Lady Shieyin fell victim to her illness. My lord had turned the heavens upside down, searching for a cure. Alas, it wasn't meant to be. He is grieve-stricken, unable to address his faithful citizen, so in his stead, I ask of you to understand his pain and honour with me the memory of Shieyin Mei. Many of you haven't had the fortune of meeting her grace, yet still, I humbly beg of you, spare this brief moment of your life, and listen, as I tell you of her valiant life."

"My prayers go to Luo Zheng and his wife," many cried into their sleeves. Their faces - honest faces - distorted with sadness and pain as if this eulogy was for one of their dearest relatives. "We argue like petty children, doubting our lord... Heavens forgive us. We know no better."

Others held the bitterness in their eyes. It festered like rot. Huo Lan addressed them all, but did he see them all? I doubted it. I didn't care for it.

"Again with this," they said.

"Deceiving us," they spat.

"May her soul fly freely," they prayed, not with faith, but rage, "away from this cruel world and his filthy reaches."

I had enough of it. Whatever went through their minds, I wanted no part of it. Huo Lan's grand speech faded away behind me as I left. I walked the streets devoid of souls. I ran. My legs took me past the gates, storming through the pair of guards trying to hold me. I ran until my lungs caught up with me, ran until my face hit the ground as I tumbled down a steep hill into a riverbed. Pebbles clattered around me in ridicule. I lay on the ground. The sun was shining, and the trees were swaying. Clouds dotted the sky, blemishing its clear blue. The world kept turning.

Alone, the thought popped into my mind. She left for good, and I'm alone again. No one needs me.

It struck me like a mountain. A truth so simple, so unbearably ugly. My heart thundered in my ears, blood rushing like waves in the realization of it. At last, I understood; the feelings I held for her. I laughed.

That's the first thing I think of? After all that? Mei died, and I still think of myself?

I couldn't believe it. It wasn't the duke who was a monster, but me. Everything fell into place. The emotions that had troubled me turned into decipherable thoughts.

Wasn't I secretly happy about her misfortune? That's why she'd needed me. Hadn't I taken advantage of her? To fuel my selfish desires. I never even gave her escape serious consideration. Not because of some fear of failure - the possibilities existed. But because all I wanted was to have her around me. Like keeping a pet in my care. I didn't want to help her; just for her to need me.

What was she to me? A tool. A crutch that I used until it broke.

In the end, I never even understood her. Not herself, nor the plight she was in. What she must have felt. Nothing, not in the slightest. Because I was too focused on myself.

I screamed in derision of myself. That's the kind of person I am. There was no end to it. There was no difference from the past. I stole everything for myself, taking it for granted. Rotten. From the day I was born, raised in the sect, to this very day - I was rotten to the core. I thought I'd left it behind, but what a fool I was. There is no escape from yourself.

A gust blew across the river, taking the scattered leaves into the sky. I caught a glimpse of red flashing behind the trees. Her ribbon. The wind must've loosened it from my arm. I jumped after it, but it was out of my reach. The red edged on the tips of my fingers. I chased it until I finally grasped it, falling into the river.

The ribbon soaked within the shallow waters. I held it tightly, afraid to lose it again as my reflection stared at me; it frowned upon me.

This doesn't belong to you, it spoke with disgust and my grip loosened, you don't deserve it. That's right, 'trash,' you don't. Isn't that what you've always called him? Talk about a case of the pot calling the kettle black.

I stared at my past filled with regrets. My life at the sect, my selfish treatment of Mei, and the way I thought about her. I saw the self I hated. What was I to do now? How could I live? The wind blasted into my face uncaring. How much I had despised it. But now, my hatred for it was gone. Mei had changed that about me.

It came to me, then. The cause of it all was my past. It was set in stone; in the annals of history. Nothing could erase that. The realization of it all, that day, was my present. I loathed it. I wished to forget, to discard, but I mustn't. I couldn't deny any of it.

Thus, my future had to be...

Change...

I no longer wanted to be this person; to be myself. But... how did a person change? Was it even possible for me? Who did I even want to become? I had no answer to any of those questions. Even so, I'd seek that change even if death was what it took. They say, not even that would cure a fool, but I'd take my chances. If there was no hope for a soul as rotten as mine, I'd discard it. If my heart was too blemished, I'd squeeze it dry of all its filth.

And if another person ever came before me again, I'd treat them as they deserved.

The ribbon rested in my hand. I couldn't bring myself to discard it, so I bound it back around my arm. May it be the sole witness and reminder of the vow I make to myself.

I want to, no...

"I will to change."