20:01 - Kal is in his room. He spent at least an hour pacing, and the whole time I was on edge, listening for him to charge out of there and head back for the dock. But he didn’t. It’s quiet now. At least Vedod was out in the lounge, so someone would be there to stop him. I didn’t want to try to force him to do anything. Not any more than I already have today.

It’s not that I’m scared of him. It’s just… I’m scared that I would try to put my foot down and it wouldn’t make a difference. He wouldn’t listen. I can’t make him do anything, or anyone else, and I don’t usually want to anyway. I didn’t come here to boss people around; I just want to work with the books.

The others got back a while ago. Everyone’s alright, and we’ve left atmosphere. I don’t know if we’re rejoining the artship caravan, and I haven’t asked where we’re heading yet. Kind of just want to curl up in bed and be worried.

I should probably send Mom a message. It’s been awhile. But I don’t know what I’d say to her right now, other than glossing over the rough stuff and sticking with the ‘working on an Artship! Restoring lots of artifacts! Doing great!’

This job is kind of exactly what I wanted, I guess. I wanted to restore artifacts, and Artships are a good place to do that, and not just because they seek out new artifacts. They’re trying to do good with them, fighting back against the Scarships and the Heartless. This job has everything I thought I wanted, but it’s more complicated than I expected. I didn’t sign up for gunfights and revenge and carrying crewmates back to the ship after they’ve been shot.

I should specify, Kal was okay. The rayburn wasn’t too bad, and Vedod treated it quickly. We all made it out alive. But it’s scary that was even in question. Getting attacked by the Scarship was different, because that’s a bad thing that could happen to anyone. Kal and Ava and the others ran toward the fight on purpose.

21:16 - I did draft a letter to Mom. It was mostly about the artifact work, but I mentioned that I didn’t know how long this job would last, so at least if I… If I decide this isn’t a good place for me, it won’t be a total surprise to her. It would probably still be a disappointment, but at least not surprising.

07:18 - Sarge came in pretty late, but I wasn’t asleep. She changed, washed up, misted her plants, and hung up her arm for the night, and I thought that would be it. But then out of the blue, in the darkness, she said, “Things are not simple out here. Can you handle this?”

The silence felt like it stretched on forever while I tried to answer that. Eventually, I just whispered, “I’m not sure.”

“Be sure.” She rolled over. “Only thing you can control is inside you.”

It’s morning now, but I haven’t gotten out of bed yet. I’m sort of trying to understand what she meant. Did she mean my heart, or my mind? Or something else entirely? I don’t understand her, so how can I understand what she means when she speaks so abstractly?

Oh, I think I’m still just upset. They say not to go to sleep angry, but I didn’t think I was. Perhaps I am, though. Perhaps I’m angry at Kal and the others for rushing into danger and making me so scared.

I think I’ll go to work and keep thinking about it for now.