《Two And A Half Deadmen》Rash Actions

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Crabs. Dozens and dozens of crabs. They were everywhere in the room, running into and climbing over one another in a roar of clicks.

Some groups just stood idle, while others fought for the best spots in the room, which seem to be the corners and edges that looked like feeding troughs.

There was a thin metal strip in the center of the room that was mostly dry and only had a few crabs on it. The rest of the room was covered in a few feet of water.

Oh, and the smallest crab in the room was the size of a German Shepherd. It was such an inherently bizarre sight that I just stood there for a couple of seconds, taking it in. At the opposite end of the room from me was another ladder, leading up about 30 feet to a trapdoor.

That side of the room also housed the largest crabs. The biggest of the group being a brown crab the size of a black bear with small spikes on its shell. I was pretty sure it was a king crab, but I wasn't an expert on crustaceans.

As I stared at the crabs, one of them took note of me. A German Shepherd sized crab with a dark red shell. It climbed up onto the metal walkway, which was a few feet wide, and seemed to stare me down. I stared back. I was starting to reach a midway point between physical and emotional exhaustion that left me feeling rather numb about the situation.

The crab took a few steps closer to me, though he was still nearly 30 feet away. Just those few steps brought the stench of the room even closer to me, and I gagged. Clifford, the big red crab, took that as a sign of weakness. Turning himself sideways, he scuttled charged straight for me, clacking his claws --which were big enough to crush limbs-- as he did. I had always found the way crabs move to be rather funny. It wasn't so funny when the crab was the size of a large dog and coming at you somewhere at the speed of 30 miles per hour.

I froze, the absurdity of the situation, of the last forty-eight hours, finally topping my meter for weirdness.

What the hell was all of this? Why was I here? I should run before I get killed by freaking crabs! I should... There was only 15 feet between the crab and me now, and he was closing the distance fast.

I should... My nerves, which had already been amped up on adrenaline, got hit with an even bigger dose as the danger rushed closer, and everything froze for a perfect instant.

I took in the ridiculous scene, the crabs thundering legs, legs that I idly noted would be worth hundreds of dollars in crab meat. The crabs' heavy torso, which stayed disturbingly level as it charged. It's waving arms that began to lower, probably readying to snap at my legs. I doubted the crab could turn faster than I could. If I backed up and ran, it would crash into the wall, and I was sure I could outpace it in the long run, even if it was faster in a sprint.

That would be the smart thing.

"You can't expect a tortured mind to act rationally, can you?"

The frozen moment shattered, and I screamed. My legs tensed, and I moved, hurling myself forward in a sprint to meet the crab.

The crab stumbled in surprise, me charging back apparently never occurring to it, but it kept coming. Charging back hadn't occurred to me either, but I kept running and screaming. When the crab was only 5 feet away, I jumped.

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Sailing forward, I planted my foot on the center of the crab's shell, then jumped again. I hit the ground and kept sprinting. More crabs poured over the metal walkway, my scream, which echoed off the metal walls and came back to me sounding warbled and desperate, was causing them to run wild.

I jumped, slid, and vaulted over everything in my way. Moving so quickly that nothing had time to take more than a single swipe at me. I made it three-quarters of the way through the room before my luck ran out.

Another red crab placed himself in my way, and I hurtled towards him, then tried to repeat my earlier trick. Leaping into the air and coming down on the things back. This crab, however, was going much slower than the previous one. And I landed on it off balance. My foot slipped off its slick back, and I tumbled forward towards the ground.

If I hit that ground and wasn't running, then hundreds of crab claws were going to descend on me and tear me apart.

My 1911, which I had never holstered, went off seemingly of its own accord, my panicked brain firing it on reflex. I kept firing, emptying the mag in random directions. I hit the metal walkway and tried to roll, but the angle was off. In the end, I just ended up sliding several feet along the slime-covered steel before coming to a stop.

And... I wasn't being torn apart. I climbed to my feet, nearly slipping again on the treacherous floor. I looked around. The crabs had backed away from me, creating a circle with at least 15 feet of space between them and me.

The gun, or more accurately, the noise! The sound of the gunshots in the metal-encased room was making my own ears ring. I wasn't sure how crab hearing worked, still wasn't a crustacean expert, but I was fairly certain that most animals weren't too fond of ridiculously loud noises.

A manic grin spread on my face, and I headed for the latter, firing off a few shaky shots whenever a crab started to creep closer.

I made it to the ladder and fired a few shots at the nearest crabs until the gun clicked empty. I made sure not to aim directly at any of the crabs.

I had no idea if the bullets would punch through their shells or ricochet off them. Killed by shooting at crabs would be a really humiliating way to die. And I was already taking a risk by firing in a metal room. If there hadn't been water for me to aim for, then I likely would have killed myself by ricochet before the crabs got a chance.

I holstered the gun and started climbing, praying to anything that would listen for the trap door to be unlocked. Evidently, something up there was, and I pushed open the trap door without much effort. I pulled myself through and rolled onto the floor, bringing my gun back out as I did. It was empty, but an attacker might not know that. I looked around and saw... Nothing.

Feeling a little silly, I holstered the gun after reloading it. I only had three mags left. I considered closing the trap door, the storm of clicks coming from that room was still as terrifying as it had been a second ago, but. I sighed, best to leave it open in case I need to make a fast escape. Not likely, but I knew the crabs would clear out if I started firing. Probably.

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I looked around the room I had crawled into. It was not what I had been expecting. The whole entrance guarded by giant crabs thing had made me expect something more extraordinary than... an office. A totally normal, five desk office.

Flickering strip lights on the ceiling combined with the file cabinets and boring wooden desks gave the room an incredibly ordinary feeling to it. I just stopped and stared for a second. I could still hear the clicking for a room filled with giant crabs, and now I was standing in an office.

The low hum from a heater in one corner and the smell of citrus air freshener only added the normality of the room.

I shook my head with a snarl.

I wasn't here to figure out what this place was, or who was coming after me. I was here to stop them from doing it again, and to free John, likely by making whoever had imprisoned him pay for it--or maybe wrecking the soul cage, though I already planned to do that. I could feel the thing pressing down on me stronger than before. It was like my senses had been sprayed with very weak itching powder.

Part of me wanted to explore the room, to read the files on the desks, and see just what the hell these people were doing. The rest of me didn't care. Those papers weren't the goal. A loud thump sounded from in front of me, and I threw myself to the side and drew my gun. Though I had been so hasty that I had missed the grip the first time and had to try again. There was nothing in front of me. I didn't sense anything either, though my magical senses were muffled thanks to my veil.

I looked around. The room had three doors, all of them closed. A moment later, the sound came again. Thump. My heartbeat slowed somewhat as I realized the sound was coming from the middle door. I stood up, feeling slightly foolish, and decided to check the other two doors first.

Not wanting to open a door and get my face clawed off, I pushed the left door open and jumped to the side, gun ready. Nothing. Fine by me. The room was filled with dull gray filing cabinets like you'd find in any office. Just, more of them than I'd expect from somewhere with only five desks. The other room was the same. While I was searching the other two rooms. The thumping sound repeated itself every few seconds.

Cautiously, I made my way over to the door.

Yeah, go over to the noise Alder, then why don't you ask who's there? Repeating my push and jump strategy, I confirmed that nothing was going to charge me. Then I walked through the door. And had to bite back a scream as I came face-to-face with a lobster the size of a large van.

The thing was a dark red and looked like... Well, a lobster. Two big front claws, a long body, and a bunch of legs. It's two antennae were nearly 3 feet long and tapped against the several feet thick layer of glass that separated us. Once I looked around and confirmed that there wasn't a way for the lobster to get out of there, my heart begrudgingly started to climb down from the perch it had taken in my throat. The lobster thumped his claw against the glass. I jumped slightly, but it didn't seem to be an aggressive gesture. It more reminded me of a dog pawing at the air for attention.

I thumped my knuckles back against the glass. The lobster stiffened and thumped his claw back in an unmistakably excited way. I chuckled. "Yeah, you're kinda cute for something that weighs several tons and can cut me in half." The lobster thumped the glass, still excited. I stepped away. "Sorry, Thumper, but I have a job to do." I glanced around the room, taking in the details I had neglected. A giant lobster was rather attention-grabbing after all.

The ceiling was around 10 feet tall, and the room was about half that wide. To my right was another door, and to my left was a step ladder. I noticed that the tank had a 3-foot square opening that was well above the water level; you would need to have that ladder to access. It was probably a porthole to feed thumper.

The tank thumper was in was pretty big, which made sense. Thumper was huge and would need a lot of space. His water didn't look all that clean, and I could barely see through it, but I thought there was another glass wall on the far side. Maybe another observation room like this one.

Since there is nothing else in this room, I waved to Thumper and headed for the far door. I repeated my now patented push and a jump tactic, except this door was a pull. I swore, adjusted my patent to include pulling, then repeated the trick.

Once again, there was nothing. The trick only needed to save my life once for it to be worth it, though, and not having something come slavering out after me was definitely the more positive outcome.

The next room was more in line with what I would expect, considering the giant crab guards.

The room looked like a high-tech lab, with plenty of beakers filled with strange liquids and equipment I couldn't name. The room made me feel slightly vindicated for reasons I couldn't place. There were dozens of computers in the room as well as some equipment and materials that I could sense were magical. In one corner of the room was a fridge. It looked so out of place in the room that I went over and opened it, indulging my curiosity--buckets of fish. Hah, my guess would be that's what they feed thumper with.

At the opposite end of the room from where I'd entered was another door, but this one was a bit... Different from the others. It was set into the wall and was made entirely out of steel. And it had three steel bars that could be slid into the wall. Each of the bars were as thick as my wrist. I whistled as I walked over to the door, why the hell did they have something like this? A werewolf or a vampire could bend steel, but they would have trouble bending a single bar this thick. And three of them? That was far outside the capabilities of your average spook.

Whatever the monster they had lost control of was, it was dangerous enough for them to put in something like this. A monster that they had wanted me to lure out with my presence. This door was a pretty clear sign that it wasn't safe to go past it.

The first massive deadbolt slid back with a heavy thud. My hand moved to the second one, then stopped. A memory flashed into my mind without me calling for it.

The massive creature of fur and muscle moves closer, its glowing yellow eyes standing out against the dark night. Screams sounded in the distance and mixed in with them were howls. Horrible, bone-chilling howls. This thing wasn't the only one that had come to my town. There were more, far more--a Pack.

I shook my head to clear it. That was one of my older memories. I had been about ten. A ghost had drifted to me, insane with terror and grief. The man's entire town had been torn apart by a pack of rabid werewolves. It wasn't common, but when it did happen, larger supernatural powers covered it up before hunting them down. Usually, another werewolf pack would do it, they saw it as a matter of pride and duty to remove those kinds of wolves.

That memory had woken me in the middle of the night more than once. This door would hold out any normal werewolf or vampire. Whatever Cheryl was, she probably wasn't something I could hope to fight. Was I really going to go through this door? I paused for a second then undid the second deadbolt. I was still angry enough to burn away the fear, and besides, I had already walked myself into the dragon's lair, no point in getting cold feet now.

The room I had stepped into was big. Really big, like you could comfortably hold a convention in it. The far wall was lined with six massive tanks that stretched for a couple of hundred feet, to my left was a small staircase leading to a room with tinted glass windows. There were a few other doors in the room, and the ceiling was crisscrossed with catwalks. There were also some rolling staircases at one side of the room, which I guessed were used to drop food into the top of the tanks.

Quite a distance away from the other tanks, on the left side of the room, was a fourth, empty tank. I walked deeper into the room. I was beginning to get a little unnerved by the fact that I hadn't seen a single other person. All these rooms clearly had plenty of people in them at one point. It made the place feel abandoned. Except I knew that it wasn't, so what gave?

I had walked across a decent amount of the room when I froze in place. The six massive tanks weren't filled with just giant craps as I thought from a distance. Sure, two of them were, but each of those crabs was much bigger than the ones I'd seen before. The smallest of them being the size of a Volkswagen bug. And the largest the size of a small van. The other two tanks held even stranger sites.

The crab's tanks were in the middle, mostly filled with water, but with one side having a small sandy beach. To the left of the crabs were two lobsters. Just two. One for each tank. In tanks that stretched for more than 100 feet each. Each of the lobsters was the size of a semi-truck, with claws that look like they could shatter walls with little effort. In fact, they could easily shatter the tanks they were in. So why hadn't they?

I squinted; this whole situation was odd. The giant sea life was obviously strange, but the lack of people was unnerving me even more. Not to mention, I still didn't have a clue as to why these people were, presumably, making giant sea life. At least I assumed they were creating them. I'd never read about giant crabs being real. Well, not as an actual species anyway.

The tank to the right of the crabs was filled with... Things. That was the only word I could think of to describe them. Each one was around the size of the smallest crab, or a little smaller. They had long segmented bodies somewhat similar to the lobsters. But their eyes were much bigger, each one a basketball-sized sphere that was tilted at a slight angle and a little wider than they were long. And each of the weird -shrimp maybe? -- Looked like a clown had thrown up on them.

Their shells were covered in all the colors of the rainbow, and their claws were more similar to lobsters than a crab, but they were even bulkier, like bowling balls that they held perched in front of them in the same way that a praying mantis held its arms.

I think I had read about these things somewhere before, but I couldn't remember their name for the life of me. As I studied the tanks, certain that there was some magical effect stopping their inhabitants from simply breaking free, my instincts started to tell me that now is the perfect time for something to ambush me while I was in an open space intently studying something.

Without giving any warning or indication, I unveiled my aura and pushed it above me. Immediately, I sensed something large that froze as my aura covered it. I pivoted on a heel, thanking my instincts, and sprinted back towards the room I had come from. As I ran, I kept my aura on the thing, and while I couldn't make out any specific details of it, since I couldn't see it, I could still sense its motions.

I juked to one side, and something crunched where I had been. I assumed it was another crab corpse but didn't pause to check. More projectiles rained towards me, and I threw myself into desperate dodge after desperate dodge in an attempt to stay unflattened.

My aura gave me just enough for warning to stay ahead of the projectiles, and I entered the lab room at a dead sprint. Slid to a stop, turned, and slammed the door closed. Throwing the heavy steel deadbolts in place as quickly as I could. I felt the thing moving in my aura, but the sensation vanished as I re-vailed myself. Leaving my aura out would be like lighting up a taunting beacon for the thing.

I backed away from the door, waiting for something to go wrong. As I waited, my body felt like it was going to shake apart with terrified energy.

My blood was pounding through my ears, and every breath sounded like a shout. Even the reflections from the fluorescent lights overhead bouncing off the gray metal tables seemed blindingly bright. After a few ten seconds, I relaxed. Leaning down to rest my hands on my knees. That – that had been far too close. If I hadn't listened to my gut and scanned the ceiling when I did, if I had been even a second slower, if I had so much as stumbled, just once!

I took deep, slow breaths. After a few seconds, I felt my heart slow, and my nerves settle. I straightened up.

I had known that Cheryl was probably past that door, but I hadn't expected her to be right outside. I thought I'd have time to move with my aura vailed. I had misjudged and almost gotten killed for it.

Okay, how was I going to get past Cheryl and move through the building? I had no doubt that she was going to have that door camped out. So-- something slammed into the door with a loud boom. I stumbled back, falling onto my butt as I tripped over my own feet. The thing slammed the door again. "Oh, you have got to be kidding me!" The door was struck a third time, and a dent began to form in the metal. Not at the location of the deadbolts, but near the top of the door.

I had no idea how the thing thought it was going to fit through the very top of the door, judging by the sounds of the impact it was huge, but I definitely didn't want to be here to find out. I looked around for anything I could use to help me. Could I go back through the crab room? That wouldn't get me any closer to my goal, though, and it wasn't a guaranteed safe trip either. The crabs had backed away from the gunshots before, but that didn't necessarily mean they would again. Then what could I – my eyes landed on the fridge in the corner, and I smiled.

I dashed over, throwing the door open hard enough that it crashed into the wall, spilling small buckets of fish onto the ground. I reached in and grabbed one of the bigger buckets. The kind used to mix paint for an industrial project. I hauled it into the next room where thumper was--setting it down long enough to push the ladder against the tank. I grabbed the bucket and climbed up the ladder. The bucket wasn't light but when I could hear a monster pounding down a door, I found that I had more strength than I'd thought.

Thumper was moving around in a way I decided to interpret as excited. I hoisted the bucket into the opening in the tank, dumping fish in a small waterfall of gray scales and black fins.

Boom, boom! Suddenly a screeching noise joined with the crashes, the sound of metal tearing. With a deep breath, I hurled myself through the opening after the bucket.

I hit the water and immediately noticed that it was a lot colder than I had been expecting. My muscles all tensed, and I wanted to gasp in a breath. Of course, that breath would contain filthy water, but my body didn't seem to care. I forced myself to move, swimming through the murky water with more desperate flailing than actual technique.

I could feel thumper going to town on the fish near me. And while I didn't feel like the lobster wanted to do me any harm, having something that big move around you when you couldn't see was still terrifying.

I heard more screeching noises and swam faster. The way the murky water reduced my vision was starting to make me panic. But before I could do something too stupid, I hit the opposite wall.

I broke the surface, gasping, and searched for the opening on the other side. I found it, then to my horror, realized it was out of my reach. I would have to climb a solid

2 feet up the smooth glass to reach the opening. While panic might give you strength and speed, it wasn't known to increase your rational thought. I did my best to scale the glass like a frog but couldn't get up. More screeching. I held my breath again and dunked my head underwater, the icy cold clearing it.

I resurfaced and tried to think of a way through the opening. Could I use Thumper? Convince him to come over here and stand on him? No that was a stupid idea, I had no idea if he would listen and come in the first place, and climbing on him might piss him off.

The strap that held the shotgun case rubbed at a weird angle on my neck. True to Barry's word, the case was floating, and I was confident it was dry. I froze. The case, the strap. I tore it off my neck and got ready. The shotgun with the case wasn't light, and it was very difficult to find a position I could use to get the right leverage for the throw. I tried anyway, though, and missed both times. I aimed too high the first time, and the shotgun hit the glass above the opening, the second time I aimed too low. I was getting ready to try for a third --with the sounds of tearing metal growing more and more frequent-- When

something pushed against my back, and I screamed. It was Thumper. He was nudging me with his side. I stared at the lobster for a second, then decided that I would take any port in a storm, so to speak. If he was coming up to me, then he probably wouldn't kill me if I climbed on him.

I leaned against him, climbing a little bit onto him. It gave me a much better position for the throw. I hurled the shotgun forward, making sure to keep one hand on the strap. It sailed through the opening. Yes!

From behind me, there was a long torturous screech followed by clicking? I pulled on the strap, angling it into one of the corners. It took all the willpower I had not to jerk on it and start climbing. If I pulled the case through, I might not have time to try again.

Once I was sure I had the position right, I pulled harder. The case lit up into the corner of the opening and lodged there. Good enough. I pulled hand over hand, desperation, letting me fly up the strap. I only needed it to give me a few feet, and it did.

My hand slapped down on the edge, and I pulled myself through. Then I realized I had made a slight miscalculation. In my desperation, I had forgotten that I had to climb a ladder to reach the other opening. For some reason, well, because I didn't want to get torn apart by whatever the hell Cheryl was, I hadn't thought about the fact that the other side was likely just as high up. My brain had just enough time to conclude that I was an idiot before I began to fall.

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