Chapter 17

I wake up the next day lying in the good bed, robed in nothing more than my boxer shorts. I don’t remember how I got here and I have a splitting headache. The yellow sun shines through the inn room window, blinding and unbearable. Grumbling, I order Katherine to close the window curtains. It’s not until that moment that I realize that Katherine is not beside me lying in the lopsided bed. I don’t know what happened to Katherine. Overcome with panic, I spring out of bed sweating torrents.

I scream, “Katherine!”

And again, “Katherine!”

I don’t hear an answer, so right away I head for the door despite being in my underwear. Yet suddenly I hear her call out from the bathroom, “I’m over here Master.”

Apparently I had passed right by her without noticing her. In the bathroom, she leans over the tub with the recently ventilated new clothes that I got from Wilmette. “I was trying to clean the blood out of your clothes. Just let me hang them up, and then I’ll be right with you Master.”

I breathe out relieved. I still feel like crap, but at least Katherine is safe. I return to the good bed and crash down. A few moments later, Katherine comes out of the bathroom and takes a seat on the other bed.

“Master we need to talk.”

“About what?”

“Before I spend any more time with you, I need to know whether or not I’m in danger from you.”

Katherine in danger from me? How can she even think that? I would do anything to protect her. Simply hearing Katherine question my affection for her grinds my heart into powder. I hang my head and clutch at my chest. “Katherine what are you saying? You know that I would never hurt you.”

She continues speaking in an even tone of voice. “Last night you told me that you killed your girlfriend.”

My heart bleeds and I claw desperately at my chest from the pain. If it were to burst all together right now, I would be content. “What did I tell you?” I ask genuinely ignorant. I can’t remember much about last night.

Katherine continues pressing me without relenting, “Not much. Just that you killed your girlfriend by turning her into stone.”

I cover my eyes with my hands to hide my tears from Katherine. “It wasn’t me. It was the gargoyle! I jumped out of the way and its spell hit Nadine instead of me. The spell petrified her. She’s still at the top of the Forbidden Tower waiting for me to save her, but I can’t find a cure for the petrification curse. It was an accident.”

Overcome with emotion, I begin to weep bitterly. Calmly, Katherine rises to her feet. “I see,” she says. “I’m going to go out for a while. I’m taking my wand and the magic books that you bought me.”

“Take some of my money too,” I tell her.

She quietly takes the necessary inventory bags off of the room’s one dresser. She had placed them there in order to wash my clothes without ruining them.

Once I hear the sound of her opening the door to exit, I become afraid. I’m afraid that now that she’s found me out for who I really am, she won’t want anything further to do with me. “You’re not coming back are you?” I ask weakly.

“I’ll come back this evening,” she answers plainly.

“Do you promise?” I mumble pitifully.

With that, she slams the door shut and storms over to me. “Look at yourself Souladonis! You wanted to drink your pain away, but now you’ve only made it worse! I’ll promise you that I’ll come back, but you have to promise me that you won’t use drinking as a way to escape your pain anymore. Do I make myself clear?”

I nod keeping my eyes on the floor. Katherine firmly places her fingers under my chin and raises my head. “Look me in the eyes Souladonis.”

I compliantly look into her eyes.

“No more drinking.”

Those innocent brown eyes that had once shined for me now stare down at me, angry and condemning. But what’s worse is that there is pain in those eyes: pain that I put there. I want to apologize with every ounce of my being, but all that I can say is “Okay.”

She releases my chin and my head sags low again. “From now on if you’re hurting, then you come talk to me. Share your pain instead of trying to bottle it all in. I know that your past is filled with a lot of hurts Souladonis, but I’m here for you. So you get some rest. I’ll return this evening with dinner. I promise.”

Katherine exits the room. I contain myself until I’m sure that she’s out of the inn. Then I explode into a furious tantrum. I pound the bed with my fists. When that fails to make me feel better, I pound it with my face. That fails as well. I kick the mattress repeatedly. When that fails, I mash my face into my pillow and scream until my throat becomes sore. That doesn’t help either. There is nothing that I can do or say to ease my pain.

I feel so ugly, so wretched, so irredeemably worthless that I loathe myself with every fiber of my being. I’ve tried for years to undo my disgrace, but all that I’ve managed to do is to further burden the world with the abject scum that I am. Never in my life have I felt as bad about myself as I do in this moment. Even when I accidentally killed Nadine, I didn’t feel so irrevocably deplorable as I do now that I’ve disappointed Katherine. I’m so angry with myself that the only solution that I can come up with is to lay my head on my pillow and cry.